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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

In turmoil

79 replies

Jockerty · 21/07/2021 12:11

I’m booked in for a surgical termination next week. I’ll be about 8 weeks.
I already have children and I’m in a nice(albeit new) relationship with someone. He is adamant he doesn’t want this baby as the timing is all wrong for him. He wants us to start a family in the next couple of years. I’ll be 43 by then which concerns me.
My main reason for this is I had a one nighter with someone after we briefly ended things. Stupid stupid thing to do. I was upset and very drunk. The other man pulled out(I know it’s not foolproof) but I’m worried this baby could be his. I was having regular sex with my partner and he never pulled out. I was taking contraception at the time too.
What a total mess. I’m just going to have to go through with the abortion aren’t I? I’m so sad about it as I very much want to have this baby.
Any advice would be lovely

OP posts:
Original poster
Jockerty · 02/08/2021 14:56

I will regret it. I know I will. But I also could regret becoming a single mum with limited money to a man I have no way of contacting

OP posts:
3luckystars · 02/08/2021 15:01

Definite regret vs might regret

Original poster
Jockerty · 02/08/2021 15:04

I know. I was feeling quietly confident it was DPs baby until someone mentioned sperm wars or something. Now I’m freaking out all over again

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 02/08/2021 15:13

I would keep the baby and lose the man.
The likelihood of having another successful pregnancy if you terminate this one is low. The last time I managed to fall pregnant was 42. We haven’t used contraception since and the only sniff of a pregnancy after that was a chemical. Sadly I had to terminate that pregnancy due to chromosome issues. Some women do fall pregnant successfully well into their forties but it’s rare and often there are problems that lead to miscarriage.

Just really be absolutely sure you don’t want anymore before you give up on this one.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 02/08/2021 15:14

Irrespective of who provided the sperm, you clearly want this baby. I was almost forced into a termination I didn't want. My financial circumstances were difficult. It was difficult socially too. People were so kind and gave me a ton of clothes and equipment. I didn't have to buy a thing. I have never regretted standing up to my XP and continuing the pregnancy.

Rosiiiiie · 02/08/2021 15:20

What is this sperm war bs??

The chances that it’s your partners are so so high. Do you know how hard it is to get pregnant? You have to have sex during your fertile window and even then, it’s not guarantee. Pulling out isn’t 100% but compared to finishing inside everyday it pretty much is.

Have you had a dating scan? Maybe it’d help to figure out when your fertile window was.

Bexxe · 02/08/2021 15:24

i think he will come around eventually - until then just give yourself some distance. You dont need this added stress of him having a meltdown - takes 2 to create a baby and nothign annoys me more then when men act bewildered as to how a baby ended up in your uterus.

Let him have his paddy on his own, and focus on you and your new little one - congrats by the way!

Horehound · 02/08/2021 15:43

The other guy pulled out, your current giu didn't and you had much more sex with him.
It's so likely to be your current partner.
But one thing I've picked up on is you say you're in a nice albeit new relationship with him however you slept with this other guy when your current relationship ended briefly.
So it doesn't sound like your current relationship is that great when you've already broken up once so soon into it..

I'd not be making any decisions based on any of these men's input.

SudokuZebra · 02/08/2021 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jockerty · 02/08/2021 17:14

You are all so so lovely. I never expected so much support from complete strangers. So thank you.
I very much want this baby. I was definitely done with having babies but this one has happened against the odds and has so far stuck around.
Am I scared? Fucking yes!

OP posts:
SudokuZebra · 02/08/2021 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummapenguin20 · 02/08/2021 17:58

Op the choice is yours ultimately x

riromay · 02/08/2021 20:48

I think your relationship is done anyways, he has treated you appallingly so don't make your decision based on that. On the other hand, only you know if you can be a single mom, how much support you have, how much money and how's your mental health. If it was me and I could financially support myself and the baby and had some support nerby I would definitely go for it. But I understand how hard it must be for you. Sending you lots of love Thanks

Clouds78 · 02/08/2021 21:55

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now.

Sadly you don’t have a crystal ball but I’m just wondering, say 18 months from now try and imagine two scenarios. 1) you aborted 2) you have a baby you wanted and your partner has come around to the fact that this is his baby and things are ok.

No one can see into the future. The pregnancy part would be very hard, wondering ‘what if’ in terms of who the father is. However, the withdrawal method is used by many many people as a contraceptive and has worked, for my friend, for ten years (she’s also been lucky to get preg v easily when she wanted to too btw). Please ignore the sperm wars thing - what on earth!!!! So most likely, v v high percentage it will be your partners. He wants a baby eventually so would he come around in the end (maybe not during the preg or even straight after but surely it wouldn’t be too long until acceptance of fatherhood sunk in)??

If you terminate and then can’t get pregnant later with your partner - this would be devastating to you both and may end up in the relationship ending in the future depending on how much he wants a child in the future. I have friends who have delayed having a baby (career etc) and now, after trying for several years, are facing the prospect that it won’t ever happen. Devastating for them. Thinking also of another friends sister who got preg by a guy v quickly and he didn’t want anything to do with the baby during the preg but then after he was born, the father realised he wanted to be a part of the child’s life. They later lost that child to an illness. Extremely sad.

What I’m trying to do is just think of the practical scenarios which may happen. If not helpful then please ignore - it’s such a huge decision, I didn’t want to just read your post and then not give you any input/something to ponder over. At the end of the day, the other posters are right, it’s your decision but in the future, things just may work out for you. Trust your instincts, listen to your heart and know that you will be ok.

Original poster
Jockerty · 02/08/2021 22:31

Thank you so much for all your wise words.
He’s said he would be involved as he’s not going to just abandon his child(fair enough) but I doubt very much we would be together as a couple

OP posts:
SudokuZebra · 03/08/2021 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clouds78 · 03/08/2021 07:55

That sounds more positive… can you take some time out just for you to relax, get some headspace and space from him? Go see a friend etc? It might help to have some space. Definitely try and get some talking support. If you google family lives or parentline I think it’s called, they have a free support telephone number you can call just to have a chat for half an hour with a councillor. It may help x

twinningatlife · 03/08/2021 08:03

@Jockerty

Thank you so much for all your wise words. He’s said he would be involved as he’s not going to just abandon his child(fair enough) but I doubt very much we would be together as a couple
Have you been honest with him though that the child may not be his? Absolutely your choice to continue with the pregnancy or not but you are not being fair to him by not giving him all the facts
Original poster
Jockerty · 05/08/2021 14:29

I’m up and down like a yo-yo with this. I still haven’t told DP what I’m doing-as I still don’t know. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I’ve been hiding away from everyone

OP posts:
Liverbird77 · 05/08/2021 14:52

@Jockerty disclaimer: I believe women have the right to choose/it's your body etc
In your situation, I would definitely keep the baby. Your uncertainty really suggests to me that you'd regret aborting it.
I think you'll never be 100% until you've had the baby and you'll think "what if" during the pregnancy, however I think aborting will press heavily on you forever.
I'm sending you lots of good thoughts. I know this is terrifically difficult for you.

Original poster
Jockerty · 05/08/2021 15:40

Thanks @Liverbird77 it’s so hard to make a decision. Either way will be life changing.

OP posts:
Rosiiiiie · 05/08/2021 16:40

How’s your partner in all this? Is he still being standoffish about it all?

Original poster
Jockerty · 05/08/2021 22:16

Yes and no. We haven’t really talked about it the past few days. I’m assuming he hasn’t suddenly changed his mind and wants to keep the baby...

OP posts:
twinningatlife · 07/08/2021 19:07

@Jockerty

Yes and no. We haven’t really talked about it the past few days. I’m assuming he hasn’t suddenly changed his mind and wants to keep the baby...

But you haven't actually told him though that he may not be the father?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 07/08/2021 19:54

OP finding it this hard to make a choice would go heavily in the favour of you not doing the right thing for you. You obviously want this baby. Your partner is an adult who knew what he was doing could make a baby, so he's made a few choices already and doesn't get to make this one. Your relationship seems over anyway becuase even if you had an abortion you likely wont forgive him and you've slept with someone else but he thinks you're pregnant with his child when you don't even know if you are. Don't have an abortion you don't want. More so for a man who might not be the father, and who thinks he can just go about having sex and telling women he wants them to go through an abortion they don't want, just because the baby he's made isn't something he wants to be bothered with.