Should I tell my ( fairly prolife ) adult children that I've had 2 terminations?

[Ashleys63]

Firstly, I hope I have put my thread in the correct section.

I am a woman fast approaching 60 starting to look back on life assessing all the good and bad, ups and downs etc, and for the most part I've had a happy good life .( I know 60 isn't old btw and I could live another 40 years, but my 'young' life is over and two of my children have children of their own )

This is my worry.

At age 20 I terminated a pregnancy that I wasn't ready for.
Four years later I married and had three children within 5 years.
It was extremely hard work, very little money, over crowded house, but we worked hard and eventually things got a little easier and we moved into a bigger house and started to have a little bit of money to spare. All good.

Then at age 37 ( just a year after things were getting easier ) I had another accidental pregnancy which I terminated. I just didn't want to go back to struggling for money, not enough space etc, plus my marriage wasn't brilliant at that time. and quite frankly, I felt exhausted.

So here I am now at age 58 with grown up children, two of whom have children of their own, and from a few conversations we've had over the last few years they seem pretty anti-abortion.
I don't know what to do as I feel I'm not the mother they think I am.
I'm sure they'd be shocked beyond belief if they knew I'd terminated two pregnancies, as they think I'm some sort of 'mother earth' who's never made a mistake. Maybe I want them to know the real me. the me that made mistakes.
I'm just a bit unsettled about it all at the moment and could really do with some wise words.

I would tell them, but that is because I am very pro-choice, and it would be part of an ongoing discussion I would have been having with them for decades.

I would want my kids to be absolutely clear that in my opinion being an earth mother absolutely goes with making mistakes (unwanted pregnancies) and also with dealing with those mistakes in the way I thought best (abortion).

Oh just to add to my previous post: with their permission, I told my daughter that both my mum and my sister had abortions, and that is why I exist and my nephew exists (post abortion kids, who arrived at better times).

I would say I’m quite pro-life but would definitely sympathise with someone’s circumstances or decisions. If my mum told me she had an abortion for whatever reason, I wouldn’t hate her for it and would understand. I now have children of my own.

If my mum did have any abortions and she shared it with me, I would be happy that she felt comfortable in telling me anything. Of course everyone is different and will react differently.

Ursula le Guin wrote several essays/speeches about how her (illegal at the time) abortion set her life on the path which enabled her to go on to have her three much-loved children - a family that could never have existed, had she not terminated her unplanned pregnancy as a younger woman. You might find it helpful to look up her words, since it sounds as though you're reflecting on this topic quite a bit at the moment.

I can understand how you feel and I don’t think they will be as shocked as you think. However ask yourself what you want to achieving first.

You don't have to but, if you feel you want to share that information with your family I don't see why not. There shouldn't be any sort of judgement from their side.

There is absolutely no reason to share that information.

I had a termination aged 19. I have not discussed this with my adult children, nor do I intend to. What would be the point? I think one would be accepting and one would judge me for it. It's ancient history and I'd rather not resurrect it.

i would if they asked me, but otherwise its not their business. What would be the point?

I’m surprised by all the comments I’ve read so far.
I agree it is not necessarily their business and you’re more than within your rights to keep it private if you want to. I don’t think they have a right to know. But you can of course tell them if you are happy to share it with them.
I think at a certain point (probably in your twenties) people begin to see parents a little differently. They begin to understand adulthood, the ups and downs of life, the tough choices etc. and this can make people begin to see their parents in a different light.
Sharing this with them might make them see you a little differently but if your relationship is otherwise good, it should be a shock they can get over fairly easily.
I also think that although they are grown, you’re still their parent and so giving them a personal insight into a complex issue like this might well help them to develop their own thinking more, see things differently and become more accepting of others points of view.
On a more personal note, speaking to them about it might also make them choose their words more wisely in the future and discuss their own beliefs in a way that is not so judgemental or hurtful to others.

No. It's private. They don't have to know everything you have been through. The same as you won't know everything they've ever done. The reason I say that is an example of a friend who wants to know everything her teenage kids do when they go out with their friends/school/everything. I explained that they don't know everything she does during the day.There isn't anything good that can come of telling them. You made the decision at the time that was right for you. It's in the past.Leave it there. Nothing to do with them.

I wouldn't tell them - no way. I would talk about friends who'd had terminations, though - even if those friends didn't exist. I'd put my reasons forward there.

And it's very easy to be pro-life (hate that, as if anyone isn't) when you have very little life experience. Try telling a woman who's raped by her partner that she should keep his child.