Should I tell my ( fairly prolife ) adult children that I've had 2 terminations?

[Ashleys63]

Firstly, I hope I have put my thread in the correct section.

I am a woman fast approaching 60 starting to look back on life assessing all the good and bad, ups and downs etc, and for the most part I've had a happy good life .( I know 60 isn't old btw and I could live another 40 years, but my 'young' life is over and two of my children have children of their own )

This is my worry.

At age 20 I terminated a pregnancy that I wasn't ready for.
Four years later I married and had three children within 5 years.
It was extremely hard work, very little money, over crowded house, but we worked hard and eventually things got a little easier and we moved into a bigger house and started to have a little bit of money to spare. All good.

Then at age 37 ( just a year after things were getting easier ) I had another accidental pregnancy which I terminated. I just didn't want to go back to struggling for money, not enough space etc, plus my marriage wasn't brilliant at that time. and quite frankly, I felt exhausted.

So here I am now at age 58 with grown up children, two of whom have children of their own, and from a few conversations we've had over the last few years they seem pretty anti-abortion.
I don't know what to do as I feel I'm not the mother they think I am.
I'm sure they'd be shocked beyond belief if they knew I'd terminated two pregnancies, as they think I'm some sort of 'mother earth' who's never made a mistake. Maybe I want them to know the real me. the me that made mistakes.
I'm just a bit unsettled about it all at the moment and could really do with some wise words.

I wouldn't!

I'm 51 for context and I had the lap top open researching terminations when I was pregnant with dc2. Abusive relationship. Same father as dc1.

But at least I had hope and optimism and naivety and stupidity the first time around. When I peed on the stick the second time, I felt nothing but fear and dread.

I left and I've never told my dc2 my thought processes! I'd never tell dc1 either!

My relationship with my dc2 is difficult atm, he's a teenage boy! But I'll never share this with him.

My life my have been easier if I'd done it but we're all always making choices that change our futures. We can't go back over alternatives that are GONE.

Just allow yourself some privacy!!! you don't need to download your brain or your choices for them to trawl over and judge!

Don't offer them the opportunity to judge your choices. They weren't living your life! They're not even familiar with the context of the time you would have been living in.

Anything goes now. LGBTQ+/- Young people today don't know how conservative and sexist the framework for young women was.

ItPearl a thousand times yes. Protect your privacy..... but speak your mind if you want!

I’m not sure if I’d tell them or not. I’ve had a termination but I don’t have children. I would make it clear that I am very pro-choice though. Abortion is not a happy topic, and I don’t think there is a woman alive who doesn’t think very carefully about the decision she makes. I’m a feminist and I think it’s necessary. I think all my friends know my stance on it, because it’s something I feel so strongly about.

@Moancup

If you are inclined to tell them then I would.

People with strong views rarely push them unadulterated when they see the human face behind their opposition. If you are comfortable talking about your experiences then I think it would be healthy for them to understand the complexity and range of what it means to be a woman. Discovering more about your parents is also one of the upsides of adulthood, in my view.

I had an abortion in my early 20s. No regrets. My parents don’t know but otherwise I will discuss it with people if it feels right to (which is rare I must say). If I have children I can’t imagine not telling them one day.

People with strong views rarely push them unadulterated when they see the human face behind their opposition

This. Its easy to condem faceless women for their choices, but when it's someone you love, then it's a whole new ball game.

My dm had a termination between my sibling and me. I don't think any differently about her, she's still the same person.

I'm staunchly "early as possible, late as necessary " though, which may have bearing on why it makes no difference

Just to add, it is difficult to stay silent on an issue so close to your heart. I am guessing in a way you think that by not speaking out you are somehow judging/betraying your younger self.

If you're having this discussion with your own children, they might have a simplistic notion that ''that was my sibling that you deprived me of'' but of course, it's a ten million to one chance that any of us made it here. So if OP had gone ahead with the first pregnancy, then her first child would almost certainly have been a different ovum, a different sperm. So the whole ''you deprived me of a sibling'' sentiment is understandable but absolute nonsense biologically.

Absolutely not. It's not about knowing the real you, it's about sharing something that may make them think less of you based on their prejudice against abortion. If one of them was in a similar situation to you and had a need to terminate, then sharing your experience to help them is reasonable. They already know you for who you are, a loving caring mother and grandmother. They will gain nothing and may feel differently and negatively about you. Does that benefit them or you?

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Yes, I'll keep the past where it belongs and my private life private, as you say, what good will it do off loading on them. I just needed to hear that.

But of course if it ever comes up in the future ( maybe one of my daughters confides in me about an unwanted pregnancy ) then I'll offer my advice, with empathy, understanding, and experience.

Thanks again.

I don’t think I would tell my children - unless there was a specific situation where it would help them.
On the point about reactions from those not in support of abortion - I use the term pro-Life please don’t assume you will be meet with condemnation and harsh words.
Personally if someone told me they had has an abortion (s) (and they have) I would be compassionate and kind. I don’t see the helpful end in reacting with anger.
Maybe Councelling would help you

@SudokuZebra

I must have missed the bit where OP said she regretted the terminations?

Not everyone does.

I know I felt nothing but blessed relief.

But OP I won't tell my child, not due to shame but because I don't know how they'd feel about it.

You can have a conversation challenging your children's views without mentioning your experiences although I agree it would probably make them think about the issue differently. I'm just not sure it would be fair.

No I think that would be a very bad idea. But I agree with saying you are pro-choice.

Yeh, if your daughter ever comes to you with a difficult decision to make, you'll let her know you support her in making her decision - EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY NOT HAVE RECEIVED THE SAME UNDERSTANDING
xx

I disagree with the majority here. I’m not saying you definitely should tell them, but I don’t think it would be awful if you did. I’d be more disappointed they were anti-abortion if I were you, where did they get such views from?

I’ve had an abortion (no regrets and no negative feelings about it) and my mum supported me through it and told me, pretty casually, that she’d had one too. She didn’t make it a big deal, she presented it as just something she did that was necessary for her, it wasn’t a big bombshell and at no point was I shocked or saddened. It made me feel less alone, and also helped me appreciate that my mum is a person with a life outside of motherhood.

If I were you I’d present it very casually and matter of fact the next time one of them airs any anti-abortion views, such as: ‘Actually, it’s a necessary medical procedure that some women need. When I got pregnant at 20 I wasn’t in a position to have a child so I had a termination’ or something. Hopefully it might make them question why they’re against women having bodily autonomy.

yeh, maybe a bit of faux insouciance when you ask them, ''so do you think a woman bears the brunt of the financial responsibility for an unplanned pregnancy?''.. Are there any measures in place to protect her from that unfair impact? Does it impact on her loss of freedom more than impacts on a father-to-be's loss of freedom? Are there any measures in place to protect a mother-to-be from bearing all of the loss of freedom? no is the answer to that one. If you get nowhere just accept it. So....... if a woman gets pregnant,that's the price she pays, loss of freedom, loss of opportunity, financial hits left, right and centre. We must accept this as a society.

I would find it very hard myself and have stopped trying to get through to pro life people. You get nowhere and it's upsetting.

@ItPearl

All of that plus the physical stress and actual mortal danger that comes with pregnancy and birth.

I’m surprised that the majority of responses are from people aghast at the idea of the OP even considering telling her children.

Should you tell them? Only you can decide that. However, I see no problem with you telling them just as I would see no problem with you telling them you’d had literally any other medical procedure. Abortion is healthcare, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. In the US (where I am from) the pro-life community love to act as if only “bad” women have abortions but the statistics don’t bear this out. In the US 1 in 4 women has had an abortion.

So, share it or don’t that’s your choice but dont keep quiet out of a sense of propriety or shame. You sought medical care to keep yourself emotionally healthy. There is nothing wrong with that.

My mother told me about her termination when I was having mine and it helped at that time. I don’t think there is any other time it would have been necessary to disclose though. Like others said it is a necessary medical procedure that s of no concern to others.

Good grief, NO. FGS. If you need to talk about it, find a therapist.

My lovely mum told me she had an abortion in between having my sister and I - there are 16 years between us. I can’t remember when she told me but years later she spoke of having regrets at what she had done and I tried to reassure her that she did what she felt was right for her at that time and I think that made her feel better at the time (she passed away so I cannot ask her now). I would never judge my mum for making what I know would have been an incredibly difficult decision. She was an amazing mum and I know she would have thought long and hard before not progressing with a pregnancy. And that, whatever her reasons, they would have been relevant for her at that time. I have no right to judge her on that. I suppose I am “pro choice”.

Not that this thread is about pro life versus pro choice but, I think it is easy to be anti abortion if you haven’t ever been faced with a situation where you can’t see a way forward when pregnant. OP I would hope that your children would show you the compassion and understanding that you deserve if you ever do decide to tell them.

Just to say - years after my mum told me, when we were in a&e one night we were handed paperwork that contained a list of her medical history - the abortion was within that even though it was 45 years before. It was literally a list of conditions on a bit of paper. We were incredibly close and we thought nothing of me standing holding her paperwork and reading it together. I knew everything there was to know, so it wasn’t a shock. All I felt was a little sadness that she had to go through that as I know she would have loved to have kept the baby if her circumstances were different. But I guess it is something that might come to light down the line. Although none of your confidential info should ever be shared I’m just giving an example of a situation where it could come out into the open.

My mum fell pregnant with me in quite difficult circumstances too - our dad was never very supportive of her (understatement of the century) and I know she discussed having a termination with her GP. Again, I have never been shocked or hurt at knowing this. As I said we were incredibly close and she absolutely adored me and was so happy that she went on to have me, and I am so happy that she was my mum.

Just to add OP, had my mum not told me and I had found out years later I wouldn’t have been angry in any way. It was her private business, something that chose to do for a number of valid reasons. I wouldn’t have felt I had any right to know either. There are things in my life that I didn’t share with her, and vice versa, and that’s how normal healthy parent / child relationships work.

You've nothing to be ashamed of, there's nothing to hide.
I don't know why everyone is acting so outraged, if you want to tell people, tell people! It's your life experience, and your right to talk about it

@Ashleys63 - I agree with those who say don't tell them. At least not without first talking your feelings through with a therapist.

As for Maybe I want them to know the real me. the me that made mistakes....... You didn't make mistakes. You did what was right for you at the time. Stop blaming yourself. Another reason to see a counsellor.

No
I'm
In the same position as you although I only have one adult son.
I know he's judge me and I see absolutely no reason to inform of it. It'll be horrible and no good can come of it.

I'd seriously advise you to do the same