Antenatal Depression and Termination

[JulietPF]

Hi everyone. I am 10+5 with my first pregnancy with my husband. This was a 100% planned pregnancy and I fell pregnant at the first try. Since about day two of finding out, I have been anxious, depressed, panicked and sleep deprived through insomnia.

I have been in such a bad place that I have been 'hoping' for a miscarriage to get me out of this state. I have reached out to counsellors and doctors, doing mediation, going for walks, yoga - basically all the things you're told to do to help yourself but with no noticeable improvement.

I finally got my doctor to put me on antidepressants. (I have been on and off some form of medication for 10+ years but was off it when falling pregnant). I have been taking it a week - I know it's not long but I'm getting desperate to feeling better.

After yet another horrific insomnia-filled night, I broke down and we discussed a termination to get me out of this situation. Things escalated from there and yesterday afternoon/evening, I went through the whole process to get ready for a surgical abortion. I was told that they would likely get me in within a couple of days.

Now I don't think I can go through with it. I'm thinking that maybe I have just associated the depression with being pregnant and that the only way to stop feeling depressed is to stop the pregnancy. But is this really the answer?! Are there people out there who have come out the other end feeling happy/content whilst continuing with their pregnancy. The ideal situation is for me to be both happy AND pregnant. Is this possible for someone like me who is experiencing antenatal depression?

Please be kind.
Juliet xx

Oh wow. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds terrible.

I felt like you in February this year. From the day I got the positive result from a planned pregnancy I was fearful, regretted being pregnant, was anxious, wished for a miscarriage and couldn’t sleep or concentrate.

I left it one month. And then I actually had a termination in March - medical. Was it right? At the time, I felt yes. Now, I’m not sure? Was I just scared shi*less? Or was the reality of being pregnant very different from the though and I didn’t actually want to have a baby after all? I panicked about how my life would change and how I liked it the way it was.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever know. I felt relief after the termination but it was short lived. I’ felt low, anxious after that brief respite. I’m pro choice but my goodness I never thought in a million years I’d be in those shoes.

Have you had counselling? What does your partner say?

Sending you a comforting hug this evening. I know how tough this is.xx

I think given you came off meds to fall pregnant, you really need to talk to your GP again.

I can see what you're thinking, but that's a lot to live with afterwards when you're already feeling shit.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

I'm glad you've gone back onto your tablets, I know it probably feels a lifetime but they might just take a bit longer to kick in . Please reach out to your GP again if you are struggling, or even if you haven't had your booking in app yet, phone the midwives as they will have a perinatal mental health service, and it sounds like you should at least give it a go before making any decisions. It sounds like you are in a very difficult position through no fault of your own, but you shouldn't feel like you need to make a choice like that just to stop how you feel, when there should be support and help available to you.

Hi ED81. Thank you so much for responding and I’m terribly sorry you went through this. The way you describe your experience is almost as if I had written it myself through my own experience.

When I think about a termination today, my blood runs cold which I think is the answer I need. I guess I just thought that in order for me to be happy, I needed to not be pregnant. But I think there is a risk that I could experience what you did - an initial relief but then low mood once the reality had set in.

I am meeting with a different gp tomorrow, meeting my counsellor and have another appointment with my original gp Friday. I guess what I’m looking for is the assurance that I will get out of this hole eventually with the medication I’m on whilst continuing with the pregnancy.

My husband is supportive and wants me to be happy although admittedly, he showed some different emotions to this when we were going through the process of booking a termination which was hard to see.

Thank you. Means a lot. Can feel pretty lonely at night when you’re staring at the ceiling for the 50th night in a row xx

Hi randomkey. You’re right - the medication i was on was 75mg which I weaned myself off. Fell pregnant straight away and now the medication is 20mg. My next scheduled appointment with my GP is to double check that he thinks this is the right level dosage for me. X

@Beannag thank you for responding. I completely agree - I need to allow more time for these meds to work. It’s hard to be patient when feeling so low.

I was referred to the perinatal mental health clinic weeks back and my appointment isn’t until 7 July. 😔

You’re right. I need the right kind of support and meds to get me where I need to be and terminating is not the ‘easy way out’. Not that terminating ever comes easy to anyone xx

I have been in this situation before and I had a termination. All I can tell you is that for me I felt relief initially and immediately felt better, more like myself. The black cloud lifted. I did my best to block out the thought of what I’d done and that worked for a while but not for long. I fell into a weird depression where I just felt completely lost and like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I did things that were out of character for me, self destructive things. I lost the plot a bit basically. A lot of counselling and time helped me out of it, but it was a very dark period. It was so strange as I wanted to be pregnant, but when I was I couldn’t remotely identify with the person who had wanted this. Then later I couldn’t remotely identify with the person who had terminated it. I felt a huge amount of guilt and self loathing. It’s a really hard thing to go through OP and I feel for you. My advice would be that if you planned and wanted the pregnancy then stick it out and seek more help and know that this feeling WILL end. When your baby is here you’ll love them more than life. A lot of people say that antenatal depression lifts in the second trimester. Its not quite the same but with my other pregnancies I didn’t have depression but I had horrendous nausea and I thought the hell would never end and regretted getting pregnancy. It did end and I’m SO glad I had those babies. They are my world.

I hope you get through it

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this OP. I had absolutely horrendous prenatal depression, it came out of nowhere and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just feel an all-consuming sense of dread, I couldn't see a way out of it. I felt utterly trapped, and I was suicidal at times. It was, hands down, the worst experience of my life.

I also considered a termination but I think I knew in my gut that it would make me feel worse. I had to work very hard to remind myself of all the reasons I had been desperate to become a mother. I'm so glad I stuck it out - I got remarkably better in my second trimester and although some anxiety remained, the rest of my pregnancy was basically fine.

Please try to hang on in there. God knows, it's the hardest and most exhausting thing in the world. But give yourself some time and get every shred of help and support you can. I'm rooting for you. You won't always feel like this. Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

@JulietPF. You sound like you are doing the correct thing by getting all the support you need. Give it more time.

I didn’t access anything - some post abortion counselling which was good but supplied by an abortion organisation. I was oblivious to these feelings being quite common! And getting an termination was easy. I had the medication before I knew it.

I’m having weekly counselling now which is helpful.

My mental health took a significant dip after the termination. However I’m much better now. Think that is to do with time passing though. It is a healer.

Plus I can’t turn back time. It’s done now.

Go easy on yourself.xx

When I was pregnant with my second child, I felt low and incredibly flat. I was sure that I wouldn't love the baby and I wasn't excited at all. It felt like a black cloud hanging over me. It passed by the end of the first trimester but there were episodes where I felt very low throughout. From 7 months onwards, I cried every day although there were some other circumstances that were upsetting me too. In many ways I just saw the baby as a problem. I spent the most part of the pregnancy not excited or looking forward to having her. I had had a traumatic birth with my first child and think this seriously affected my mental health.

As soon as she was born, everything changed and she has been such a ray of light in our lives ever since! I have a vivid memory from when she was a few days old when we were in the hospital. She had had a bath and her hair was all fluffy, she was in a pink babygro with little bunnies on it and she smelt of baby shampoo. I remember snuggling into her and thinking 'what was I worrying about! I love you so much!' If your blood ran cold at the thought of having a termination while you are feeling low and desperate, it doesnt bode well for how you would feel afterwards, once the dust had begun to settle, if you did go through with a termination. Thinking of you.

So it’ seems having these feelings relatively common. It’s a frightening and overwhelming time. I know I was incredibly fearful.

I can identify with you @Hadenough21. It is like a weird depression afterwards. I too felt horrified with myself for what I’d chosen to do. Although I’m pro choice - just wish I’d not had to make the decision for myself.

Even now 3 months on I find myself saying. “Fu*k what have I done”. I’m almost bewildered by it. Like an out of body experience. Anxiety is horrible. I look at babies, young children and teenagers differently now. And find pregnant women a bit odd to be around.

Please make this decision as wisely as you can. It still might be the case you decide for termination if that is right for you and your husband.

Thinking of you.x

I wish I had known that antenatal depression was even a thing and that’s what was happening to me. I knew nothing about it and just felt completely confused and tormented. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the guilt.

@Hadenough21. I hope over time it gets easier.xx

@ED81 thank you, it has become easier with time and counselling helped a lot. I just don’t know if that guilt inside will ever go. Will I still look back in 20 years and feel a pang of hatred for myself? Possibly. It’s hard to live with.

@JulietPF.
How are you feeling today?x

Ante-natal depression is really quite common, and my personal feeling is that termination is not the answer - as others have said, it can leave you feeling even worse after the initial relief.

Ante-natal depression is also an absolute misery and I truly do understand how you just want it to stop at any cost. My DD had this and we were all so worried about her - she was a very sick young woman. But she did get through it, and the resulting child is so loved by us all.

I know it is hard and I am sending you a handhold......hang on in there..........it will stop.

@ED81Hi! Thanks for checking in on me. I am feeling ‘ok’ today which is an improvement on other days so I am thankful for that. I am confident in my decision to continue the pregnancy and have the baby. I just need to get myself to a happy place during pregnancy and I’m doing all the right things to get me there. It’s just a case of being patient and ‘riding it out’ xx

@JulietPF. No problem. I’m glad things are feeling a bit better today and you have made a choice to continue with your pregnancy.

Congratulations!

You are maybe right….that you have to ride it out.xx

@Zebra13 thank you. I think I will call them today as I had another bad night last night and now feeling incredibly anxious x

I had exactly this about 2 years ago. I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed or even try to look after my DD.
My dr put me on antidepressants and within about a month it was like a switch had been flicked and I felt so much better!
Hang in there and things will get better. X

@JulietPF. Sorry to hear you are feeling anxious this morning. It really is the worst isn’t it.

Is there anything specific you are anxious about? Or is it the pregnancy/being pregnant in general?

We are here for you if needed.xx

I had this earlier in the year. I was so sick and it really affected my mental health, the gps were rubbish , I cried down the phone telling them I couldn't take being so sick anymore and I was going to have to have an abortion before my mental health got any worse, gp sat on the phone in silence. I knew that had I aborted, it would have weighed heavier on my soul than how sick I was. So I just focused on getting through an hour at a time and slowly I did start to feel better and I'm 20 weeks now and so glad I made the decision to keep going but very angry at how badly the gp failed me. I think feeling depressed in the first trimester especially is so common but just not spoken about.

@romdowa thank you for sharing. Would you say you are ‘happy’ now at 20 weeks? X