Hi @JulietPF, I just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to what you are saying and you are not alone. I am 16 weeks pregnant with a planned pregnancy and since about 6 weeks, I have been suffering with the worst anxiety and depression I have had (I have had previous episodes but none like this). This is my first pregnancy also. My anxiety, like yours, came out of nowhere and is centred around life changing, not enjoying being a mum, not loving my baby - all very distressing and unexpected, so I know how hard it is for you. I find it hard/impossible to even remember why I wanted a baby in the first place. I have seriously considered termination of the pregnancy since then and discussed it with my partner, who initially said he would support me whatever my decision and just wanted me to be ok, but more recently has been trying to deter me as he is sure these feelings are due to anxiety, knowing how much I wanted a baby before this. I am also pro-choice but never in a million years thought I'd be the one thinking about making the decision. I am sorry if this post seems about me, but, as I said, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Just to let you know what has helped me a little:
When the anxiety first hit, I spoke to my GP straight away and asked to be put back on antidepressants (I had stopped taking them before TTC). They put me on sertraline and that really helped to take the edge of things but most importantly helped me to sleep better (take them in the morning, not at night) and regain my appetite (which I had totally lost due to anxiety). You have to be patient as they do take time to kick in but after about 2 weeks I felt a bit better so, in my opinion, they are worth trying. I was worried about how meds would affect the baby, but after reading up on it and speaking to my GP, I realised that anxiety has equally negative effects on the baby and I knew that I needed to take care of myself so that I could take care of the person growing inside me.
The GP also tried to organise some counselling through the perinatal mental health team but they wouldn't see me as I wasn't 12 weeks yet. Luckily, I was in a position to organise my own private counselling otherwise I'm sure that I wouldn't still be pregnant (or maybe not even here myself). I have been having counselling (CBT) with someone who specialises in perinatal mental health, which has helped me to see my thoughts as intrusive, predictive of the future and also catastrophising, but that doesn't make them feel less real a lot of the time (I'm hoping this will change). It has also made me start thinking about what regret really is (as regretting having a baby is a huge worry of mine) and realise that it's just predicting the past (which we can not do). If you can afford it, I would suggest this route (take a look at the website HelloSelf who have specialised antenatal mental health psychologists). If you can't afford this, push push push for some help. If you don't feel strong enough then ask someone else to speak to the GP for you (I'm lucky that my sister is very forceful and has often got me help when I was refused it at first).
Where are you based? Where I am (in Bristol), we have a few organisations that provide free support for pregnant women with mental health difficulties. The one I use (called mothers for mothers) has weekly zoom calls where you can talk openly about how you are feeling, see you are not alone and talk about approaches to help you get through. I have only done one session with them but it is just so helpful to feel that you can talk openly with people who do understand. They also have a helpline for support and do meet in person, although I haven't had the courage to do this yet.
Another thing to do is to make sure you are very open with the people you are closest too and you build up a support scaffold around you (people you can talk to who will be able to help you during and after pregnancy). I think one of my issues is feeling like the responsibility of this child is on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. Even having a partner who I know will be very hands on does not feel enough. I have spoken to my mum about the possibility of her staying with me/being around for the first 2 weeks after birth and my sister also. The midwife also said they can visit every day for the first month if I feel it's needed. Just knowing this helps a little.
Saying all this, I don't want to give any false pretences. I am still struggling with the concept of having a baby, I still have really down days where I feel like I can't carry on with the pregnancy and I am still terrified that I will hate being a mum and not love my baby. BUT I am having more good days and have had the odd moments where I feel OK. I'm just staying hopeful and I'll stay hopeful for you too. It is a slow process but I think we can do it. If you want to chat more, feel free to PM me x
P.S. sorry about the essay!