Dear everyone,
Please be gentle on me, but I need to tell my story and I would love some advice - as I’m simply at my wit’s end. I’ve been reading all the threads on here looking for some advice, but none of the situations really resemble mine. I hope there’s maybe someone who can relate…it’s a long story - please bear with me..
Two years ago I had just gotten together with my new partner, been through a terrible divorce, and fell pregnant. It was wanted, but once I was pregnant, I had a horrible antenatal depression, which brought up past trauma, and I wasn’t ready. I was in total anguish and even went to the hospital, but no one could help me. I couldn’t even imagine having wanted to be pregnant, and felt completely estranged and alienated from myself. My partner really wanted the child. He resented me after, a lot. And I regretted my decision. The grief was unbearable. And he made sure I felt like a perpetrator, which made the grief process much worse. He wanted to be a dad so much, and just couldn’t get around the fact that we had wanted this, and then I terminated. I think I put up with his blaming and accusations, and general inconsistent treatment (he was barely loving, generous or kind for a long time, while I tried to reach him, tried to grieve together, but it didn’t work) because I felt so guilty and bad. For months I was deeply grieving, as the moment the hormones left my body, I reconnected with the wish to be a mother, and the love I felt for what was now gone. I sometimes thought I did not want to live anymore.
About half a year later I fell pregnant by accident again, birth control failed. Initially I was so happy, and really wanted to keep it. But I noticed my partner wasn’t in it, he wasn’t willing to take the care he felt the first time, and I was afraid I wasn’t going to make it mentally without his support, and decided to terminate again. Seeing the difference between the first and the second in terms of his happiness (the first time he had been over the moon), made me just so sad, and I wanted the kid to be wanted and desired… it was really tough, and even though my partner promised it would be different this time, and he would be there for me emotionally afterwards, he wasn’t.
Fasts forward to 8 months later - now. Again my birth control failed me, and I found out I’m pregnant again. It happened after my partner broke up with me after a horrible fight, where he called me the most horrible word one can use towards a woman, and we didn’t see each other for 4 weeks. When we saw each other we had sex and that’s when it must have happened. I’m happy and sad that I’m pregnant again. I know he would take care of the child, and I love him a lot, but there is so much resentment between us from the past years - I feel hurt by how he blamed me and resented me after the abortion, and he is still resentful about the fact that I didn’t have the first child. Over time, the chain of hurt has caused us both to feel like having any serious talk is a minefield. He feels and says he is the victim of our relationship, and I am just not sure any relationship can work if one person feels like that’s and therefore thinks his behavior is legitimized (blocking me out, getting mad at me, silent treatments, inconsistency in care and love, etc). Since the abortion, he has centered his feelings and anger and grief, and I feel like there has been no space for me. I know this is by far the most ideal situation to raise a kid. I have hopes that things will fall into place somehow if I go through with it, but I also know I can’t put that kind of weight on an innocent child. I feel love for the baby and I deeply desire to be a mother, but I’m also scared of being bound to this man, who has made me feel unsafe and deeply unhappy, forever. I’m scared that I’m setting myself up for a miserable life with a man who is deeply hurt and therefore careless with my feelings. At the same time, I’m horrified at the thought of having another abortion, and the grief and guilt that may come with it. I don’t know what I should focus on: the desire to be a mother, the love I feel for this growing life, or the situation. I’m scared I won’t get another chance at children - that I’ve somehow said “no” to the gifts of the universe too many times and I’ll be undeserving. At the same time I can see how this may be a turning point in my life, and I would be able to work towards the conditions that I and a future child would deserve in life..
Im sorry for all this rambling, but I’m hoping someone might be able to relate or have some advice to share. It’s really tough to share this story, and I know it’s far from “usual”, but thank you for reading and/or responding :)