Abortion regret

[Vikimichelle]

Hi please please no grief as I can’t take anymore hopefully il explain the best I can..
I have a son with special needs he’s 2 Ive also had a late miscarriage I pined the baby I lost so badly I needed to get pregnant ASAP it happend within 6 weeks and my now one year old was born perfectly healthy and he was the only thing that eased my pain. My relationship hit rock bottom few months back and I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant I was devestated I was on the pill but a few times didn’t take it at the correct time due to all the stress of the relationship I moved out and moved into a women’s refuge with my babies.
I kept booking a termination and walking out sobbing saying it didn’t feel the right thing to do. Then last week at 11 weeks pregnant went ahead it’s literally the worst thing I have ever done. Ive now moved in with family and feel I never gave me baby a chance my ex wants to work on our relationship said it wasn’t the right tome but I can’t help but hate eveyone for not dragging me out that clinic .. I am having nightmares I can’t eat can’t sleep dreaming of the baby and just want to get pregnant Ive made a massive massive mistake people say times a healer and I made the right dicision for my living children at the time but I can’t see a way out of feeling like this I’m struggling looking at my children thinking iv took there sibling but the thought of me bringing up 3 babies potintially on my own one with needs seemed impossible ! now I think all the little things I worried about seems so small. I worry I shud be punished for what Ive done and il never get pregnant again. I had surgical treatment and worry I’ve damaged my womb. Times not really on my side I’m 32 and I just hate myself I don’t even want to be here anymore but I’d never ever leave my kids I love them too much. I’m a good mum and do my best but I genuinely cb I have done this when I’ve always been so against them. Has anyone else felt like this please no hate I hate myself I know I deserve to feel like this but I can’t genuinely live with this pain it’s horrible… thanks for reading so far and I’m really sorry if I upset anyone I thought I was doing the best for my family but now I just want my baby back!! Ps I am on contraception again now just incase anyone thinks I’m going to purposely get pregnant I’m not in the right frame of mind but I wasn’t when I made the dicision and don’t no how no one could see I was mentally struggling to dicide. 💔💔😭 Xx

All I can think about is getting pregnant ASAP but I know it’s probably not the wises thing to do. I have bad anxiety and the fear of the unknown frightens me to death please be kind xx

@Zebra13

Also just wanted to add, if you find it easier to text than talk, you can text Shout via 85258 at any time, ( 24 hours a day, 365 a year). It's a free service for anybody who is distressed, ( you do not have to be suicidal), and you can text a volunteer about your situation. I have used it on dark days when I couldn't get out of bed, that may be an option for you. It can be good, ( especially at2/ 3 am in the morning), if you need someone to talk to.

Also please feel free to private message me if you want to chat. Take care.

This helps so much I know I'm not alone but I'm struggling so bad to carry on my maternal instincts are just thinking about a baby. How long has it been for you I'm so sorry xx

@Zebra13

Ten weeks yesterday, i've had a lot of very, very , very dark days tbh. I get as well, that wanting to be pregnant afterwards, the feeling is / was overwhelming for me

It really is horrible I wouldn't wish it on anyone I will never ever do this again, do you think you will try to concieve again in the future or are you not thinking about it as much now. I know ideally it isn't the right thing to do but I feel I need to fill The hole it's too painful xxx

I just want to hug you and say please don't blame yourself.
You were brave for the children you have to do what you had to do, being a mum sometimes means that the only way forward is not the one you really want, and so you fight like a lioness for the safety of the children you hold in your arms.
Rather than having another child to fill your void, you need to heal a bit and regroup. Give yourself time to love you for the wonderful mother you are right now.

@Zebra13

You can also use this link to self-refer to NHS counselling/ therapy if you think it will be helpful

www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

Basically , you type in your postcode/ GP address, and they will direct you to an NHS counselling service in your area. Please be aware, there will likely be a relatively long wait for assessment/ NHS therapy, ( which is disgraceful in itself), but if you refer yourself now, you will hopefully get stuff in place to get some help as soon as possible.

You have obviously been through a tough time, and you may want to speak to your GP about whether antidepressants may help, ( although this is a personal choice, you may not wish to take them).

Look after yourselfxx Are you still staying in the refuge, or are you back home ?

Also, if you need to talk before NHS counselling starts, BPAS and Marie Stopes, ( if you had the termination with either ), both provide free, post-abortive phone counselling, which is normally organised quickly.

You may want to phone them and ask for counselling.

Ive just been reading some of your posts you've been through a hell of a lot !! I really do feel for you. Pregnancy hormones and your emotions are so much to deal with .. I hope in time we can forgive ourself !! Sending you a big hug xx

@Zebra13 I'm living with family the kids are ally more settled and happy and I'm now talking to my ex etc and he wants us to work which is why he's saying I'm feeling the way I am about the abortion it's all just an absolute mess I went on anti depressants after loosing my daughter and I feel exact same pain again the other thing that helped me was I was lucky enough to have my youngest but I've never grieved I can't handle emotions well and my councilling says I replace the grief with pregnancy's I so wish I was stronger I feel so bad it's really effecting my day to day life .. xxxx
Thankyou so much for all your help and although I wish you never felt like this I find some comfort in that we can relate .. Thankyou so much xx

OP, you were in an impossible situation and you did something very hard for you for the benefit of your children. You are not a bad mother, quite the opposite.

I think you need to focus on taking care of yourself and your children, away from your ex. It sounds like you’re downplaying the abuse to yourself and this is very common - it’s hard to see things clearly for anyone, let alone in such a difficult set of circumstances.

I have twins who are both disabled and I have no idea how I would manage another child - I think I would make the same decision in your place and I am happily married, stable home etc.

Nobody reasonable would blame you but most importantly you need to stop blaming yourself. You did what you felt needed to be done. Please forgive yourself.

I think you have a lot of things going on in your life at the moment and it sounds as though you don’t have much control over what is happening to you. Deciding to go ahead with the abortion , however hard that decision has turned out to be , was in some ways a measure of you regaining control over your life, and the life of your children. With a third child I think it would have been incredibly hard for you to rebuild your life , to provide a secure home for your existing children and think about your own future.

I wonder if some part of you recognised this and took that decision because , hard as it was, it will provide the best opportunity for you and your little family to move on and succeed. I understand that you feel the unfairness of having to make this decision, in better circumstances you would not have had to, but you put your two childrens needs before your personal wishes. They are lucky to have such a brave strong mama.

@SinkGirl

OP, you were in an impossible situation and you did something very hard for you for the benefit of your children. You are not a bad mother, quite the opposite.

I think you need to focus on taking care of yourself and your children, away from your ex. It sounds like you’re downplaying the abuse to yourself and this is very common - it’s hard to see things clearly for anyone, let alone in such a difficult set of circumstances.

I have twins who are both disabled and I have no idea how I would manage another child - I think I would make the same decision in your place and I am happily married, stable home etc.

Nobody reasonable would blame you but most importantly you need to stop blaming yourself. You did what you felt needed to be done. Please forgive yourself.

Hello hun I feel I was so stressed both my kids was crying all the time in the refuge I couldn't cope now I'm with family they are so happy and it kills me. My ex is saying all the usual things he will fix this dosent care how long it takes etc ... He's narcissistic all my family don't like him he's never supported me and tbh I don't know why I'm trying to force myself to make it work .. he knows the dream I want the house the kids the big family etc but I don't feel the same through cheating etc I do deep down want it to work but I think the abortion maybe the end for us .. he says bringing a child into this would of been the end I think it's the fact I've gone through it. He says he will change :/ god knows I've never left before I'm not saying what he's done is right but I've always allowed his behaviour never put my foot down let him go and go etc life's so hard I really hope this makes me a stronger person xxx

@SinkGirl

OP, you were in an impossible situation and you did something very hard for you for the benefit of your children. You are not a bad mother, quite the opposite.

I think you need to focus on taking care of yourself and your children, away from your ex. It sounds like you’re downplaying the abuse to yourself and this is very common - it’s hard to see things clearly for anyone, let alone in such a difficult set of circumstances.

I have twins who are both disabled and I have no idea how I would manage another child - I think I would make the same decision in your place and I am happily married, stable home etc.

Nobody reasonable would blame you but most importantly you need to stop blaming yourself. You did what you felt needed to be done. Please forgive yourself.

I'm sure your twins will overcome every obstacle in life .. your a strong mama ❤️ Thankyou so much for your comfort xx

@viques

I think you have a lot of things going on in your life at the moment and it sounds as though you don’t have much control over what is happening to you. Deciding to go ahead with the abortion , however hard that decision has turned out to be , was in some ways a measure of you regaining control over your life, and the life of your children. With a third child I think it would have been incredibly hard for you to rebuild your life , to provide a secure home for your existing children and think about your own future.

I wonder if some part of you recognised this and took that decision because , hard as it was, it will provide the best opportunity for you and your little family to move on and succeed. I understand that you feel the unfairness of having to make this decision, in better circumstances you would not have had to, but you put your two childrens needs before your personal wishes. They are lucky to have such a brave strong mama.

This does make a lot of sence !! I think there's defo some truth to what you said I just wish I'd of took the harder way because I know we'd of made it work .. I'm a believer evehthing happens for a reason although I can't understand myself because I can't understand why I made this choice xxx My head is so confused xx

Maybe this is your heart telling you the babies you have deserve better.
That the lioness inside is awake and willing to fight, and leave a bad relationship.
You are strong, you can walk away from the abuse and show your babies their best mum.
Sometimes it really does all happen for a reason.

@Whythesadface

Maybe this is your heart telling you the babies you have deserve better. That the lioness inside is awake and willing to fight, and leave a bad relationship. You are strong, you can walk away from the abuse and show your babies their best mum. Sometimes it really does all happen for a reason.

I do agree but then I feel like why did my unborn baby have to suffer I just really want to fix my mistakes it's awful .. thankyou for your comment xx