Hi please please no grief as I can’t take anymore hopefully il explain the best I can..
I have a son with special needs he’s 2 Ive also had a late miscarriage I pined the baby I lost so badly I needed to get pregnant ASAP it happend within 6 weeks and my now one year old was born perfectly healthy and he was the only thing that eased my pain. My relationship hit rock bottom few months back and I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant I was devestated I was on the pill but a few times didn’t take it at the correct time due to all the stress of the relationship I moved out and moved into a women’s refuge with my babies.
I kept booking a termination and walking out sobbing saying it didn’t feel the right thing to do. Then last week at 11 weeks pregnant went ahead it’s literally the worst thing I have ever done. Ive now moved in with family and feel I never gave me baby a chance my ex wants to work on our relationship said it wasn’t the right tome but I can’t help but hate eveyone for not dragging me out that clinic .. I am having nightmares I can’t eat can’t sleep dreaming of the baby and just want to get pregnant Ive made a massive massive mistake people say times a healer and I made the right dicision for my living children at the time but I can’t see a way out of feeling like this I’m struggling looking at my children thinking iv took there sibling but the thought of me bringing up 3 babies potintially on my own one with needs seemed impossible ! now I think all the little things I worried about seems so small. I worry I shud be punished for what Ive done and il never get pregnant again. I had surgical treatment and worry I’ve damaged my womb. Times not really on my side I’m 32 and I just hate myself I don’t even want to be here anymore but I’d never ever leave my kids I love them too much. I’m a good mum and do my best but I genuinely cb I have done this when I’ve always been so against them. Has anyone else felt like this please no hate I hate myself I know I deserve to feel like this but I can’t genuinely live with this pain it’s horrible… thanks for reading so far and I’m really sorry if I upset anyone I thought I was doing the best for my family but now I just want my baby back!! Ps I am on contraception again now just incase anyone thinks I’m going to purposely get pregnant I’m not in the right frame of mind but I wasn’t when I made the dicision and don’t no how no one could see I was mentally struggling to dicide. 💔💔😭 Xx
All I can think about is getting pregnant ASAP but I know it’s probably not the wises thing to do. I have bad anxiety and the fear of the unknown frightens me to death please be kind xx