Had a termination but lied and said it was a miscarriage. Feel rotten

[mrskelbel]

Not going to bore you, just want to give you the facts. I've been carrying this horrible secret for 20 years and I just need to get it off my chest.

Facts are - age 19, in a physically abusive relationship of 3 years, cheated on him one night with a work colleague (I know I know and I'm sorry). Ended up pregnant and my bf wanted me to abort the baby immediately. I did not, My mum is against abortions so that wasn't an option as if I did, she told me she would disown me and I would have to move out.

Ended up having the termination as I was hounded into it by my ex, felt I had no option - He was beating me in the stomach to bring it on himself.....

Told my mum it was a miscarriage and to this day she still does not know. She tells me she thinks about the baby all the time on what would be due dates etc and I feel so guilty.

I'm married with children now and my DH fully accepts what I did. I was up to my eyeballs in debt at the time and suffered from some mental health issues at the time, but not making excuses, just stating facts.

I hate I lied to my mum but I felt at the time I had no choice. I now know I did and I made the wrong choice....

I just wanted to get this off my chest as I've only ever told my DH. :(

Your mum having had a hysterectomy is absolutely no reason for her to have spoken to you as she did about disowning you if you had an abortion. It’s no wonder you were thrown into the path of a serious abuser with that kind of message. You did nothing wrong, not by having an abortion, not by lying about it and not by cheating on that vile man.

My mum couldn't have any more children after me - she had to have a full hysterectomy due to complications so I do understand her not wanting me to terminate if she can't have any more children of her own
your mother had to have her womb removed, of course that is a loss for her if she wanted to have more children.
It doesnt mean that she can tell you what you should do with your womb!!

How incredibly brave of you but how incredibly sad that you are still suffering with this secret
You have absolutely nothing to feel awful about , you did the right thing for you at that time
Sending you a hug 🤗