Had a termination but lied and said it was a miscarriage. Feel rotten

[mrskelbel]

Not going to bore you, just want to give you the facts. I've been carrying this horrible secret for 20 years and I just need to get it off my chest.

Facts are - age 19, in a physically abusive relationship of 3 years, cheated on him one night with a work colleague (I know I know and I'm sorry). Ended up pregnant and my bf wanted me to abort the baby immediately. I did not, My mum is against abortions so that wasn't an option as if I did, she told me she would disown me and I would have to move out.

Ended up having the termination as I was hounded into it by my ex, felt I had no option - He was beating me in the stomach to bring it on himself.....

Told my mum it was a miscarriage and to this day she still does not know. She tells me she thinks about the baby all the time on what would be due dates etc and I feel so guilty.

I'm married with children now and my DH fully accepts what I did. I was up to my eyeballs in debt at the time and suffered from some mental health issues at the time, but not making excuses, just stating facts.

I hate I lied to my mum but I felt at the time I had no choice. I now know I did and I made the wrong choice....

I just wanted to get this off my chest as I've only ever told my DH. :(

No need to feel guilty - does your mum know the extent of the abuse? Most mothers absolutely would not want you tied to a physically abusive man for life, nor for your child to be exposed to that too. Big hugs - sounds as if you have a good DH and family situation now.

But you are allowed to feel sad and conflicted about it

Yes, she knows, she still said I could do it alone. She doesn't know I cheated on my bf and that the baby was 99% not going to be his.......

Your mum doesn't sound like a reasonable or kind person and because of that you did the right thing in not confiding in her.
She is not someone who can be trusted to be supportive and kind, you were vulnerable and had experienced a lot of trauma, not telling your mum was your way of protecting yourself at the time.
Next time your mum mentions the pregnancy which was terminated just shut her down and tell her you don't want to talk about it.

I had a friend who did this. I was the only one who knew it was a termination. I don't blame her for it at all. She was in an awful relationship, from a religious family and completely stuck.

Your mum should let this go.

You should drop the guilt. You've done nothing wrong.

It doesn't matter that you 'lied' to your mum, she has no right information about your private life, you are an adult and you have no obligation to disclose any of this to anyone else.

You’re allowed to feel sad about this.

But you’re also allowed to forgive yourself

It was a necessary lie, by the sounds of things. Sometimes that’s better. I’d have made the same decision as you.

It’s simplistic to say that you could leave a man so abusive that he beat you in the stomach, and expect that to be the end of it. And it would have been really, really hard to raise a child, alone, at 19, and with debt and mental heath issues...

If you’re still feeling really guilty, could you consider talking it over with someone professional? A therapist might be really useful in letting you explain it all; and finding some techniques to help you accept what happened and forgive yourself.

Why do you feel it's wrong to keep things private from your mother?

Oh honey that's so awful for you. You made absolutely the best decisions about everything that you could have possibly made at the time. What a damn shame your mother could not just have helped, supported, loved and believed you.
You did nothing wrong. I mean even the cheating - you were being abused when you cheated, what do you think you owed the bastard any loyalty?

You owed yourself to make the best of it all - and you did. Now you need to completely forgive yourself for everything, the whole kit and caboodle.

But it was a miscarriage of sorts, you were coerced and beaten into a termination against your will, all factors outside of your control. Nobody with an ounce of humanity would judge you for that. I really hope you can heal from this, you deserve to be happy.

What kind of 'mother' is it who threatens to disown her traumatised 19 year old daughter?

Given how incredibly insensitive your mum is being with her comments over your 'miscarriage' she's be a bloody nightmare if she knew the reality.
You don't owe anybody anything other than you and your own happiness.
Stop feeling guilty.

DH fully accepts what I did
There is nothing to accept, you did nothing wrong, you were the victim in this situation, controlled and coerced by your abusive mother and your abusive partner

You’re allowed to feel sad about this

But you’re also allowed to forgive yourself

This ^^. And I would say the same if you’d had a termination with a supportive loving boyfriend but just didn’t want a baby.

Be kind to yourself @mrskelbel. This isn’t your mother’s business, and I understand why you didn’t tell her.

Agree with PPs you don’t need to share something so private with anyone and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You wanted the pregnancy but things were taken out of your hands, very similar to a miscarriage. If your mum wouldn’t understand that then she doesn’t deserve your confidence.

Even people who terminate voluntarily can have complex feelings about it and those feelings are very valid. You have every right to feel sad about it but please don’t regret your decision as you have no idea what ex would’ve done if you had continued the pregnancy. If he’s capable of kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach he capable of anything.

You were 19 and pregnant the father of the baby was behaving violently towards you with the stated intention of inducing a miscarriage
This is horrifying
you poor poor girl, you had been reduced to the state of a frightened animal, if my daughter had experienced such awful trauma ....my god the last thing I would do is threaten to disown her!!!
I would wrap my arms around her, love and support and help her.... that's what a proper mother does.
Your mother was kicking you when you were down, of course you didn't confide in her, your natural self-protecting instincts were to distance yourself and not trust her

You made what sounds like the only choice you had at the time. Your mum didn't create the kind if environment you needed to tell her what was happening. That is on her not on you. The fact she is still talking about this is so awful and shows she has absolutely no empathy or compassion still. So no dont feel guilty, I feel so sad and angry for you. I imagine this isn't the only way she causes you upset and I would try to reduce contact.

I think you did the sensible thing in the circumstances. I dont think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your mum sounds really extreme. Why on earth would she still be thinking about her teenage daughters miscarriage many years later? Does she always make everything about her?
How dare she threaten to disown you over a termination. What an awful position you were in. You did the only thing you could at the time, and whether it was doctor assisted or not, you still lost a pregnancy that you actually wanted. You actually didnt really have any agency or choice in the matter at all. You were being emotionally and physically manipulated by your boyfriend and your mother.
I want to give teenage you a big hug tbh. You do not have to admit this to her as if its a dirty secret. Someone had to look out for you and they didnt, so you looked after yourself. Noone elses business my darling x

Thank you all so much for the kind messages. I was honestly expecting to be told I done the wrong thing etc.

My mum couldn't have any more children after me - she had to have a full hysterectomy due to complications so I do understand her not wanting me to terminate if she can't have any more children of her own.

We are super close now but this secret will be one I take to my grave. As I said though, my DH supports me and agrees I did the right thing, even when I was 99.9999% sure the baby was the other guys. I feel rotten for cheating and I'd never do it again.

you were only 19. I cheated as a teenager but its just not in my nature as an adult. We do all sorts of stuff when young and immature. Thats when we are still learning about who we are and who we want to be. Then we grow up a bit.
I also had an abortion as a teenager btw. You sound so hard on yourself

You did what you had to do under awful circumstances, it's not really any one else's business.

You did the right thing, self-preservation is a powerful instinct and you were protecting yourself x

You did the best you could do at the time op, you were only 19 and in an awful situation. You’ve no reason to feel bad at all. 🌸

Good lord, you did the RIGHT thing.

Your mum sounds like she projecting onto you, that's not necessary or right from a parent. 20 years on she needs to let go.

FWIW, I had a termination at 19, I know the year, certainly don't remember due dates. I also had a MMC later on and don't remember the due dates 20 years down the line. I know when it happened but only because we were on a particular holiday at the time.

I just want to say OP, I have done the same for reasons less severe than yours. Please don't beat yourself up about this.

I had severe hyperemesis from week 5 of pregnancy, i'm pretty close to my family and they knew I was in hospital from week 6, on a drip and with IV sickness meds. They were so happy.

I couldn't cope with how ill I felt and I terminated, I told them I miscarried.

Sometimes we have to do these things to protect ourselves.