Pregnancy regret..

[lostandconfused1988]

9 weeks with a planned pregnancy and to be honest I'm feeling like I made a huge mistake, the nausea and tiredness is overwhelming I feel so guilty for my partner and little boy. I'm now feeling like we're out of the baby phase and why would I want to go back to sleepless nights and nappies again. I don't know what on earth possessed me to want to try for another. I just want the old me and my body and mind back. Also thinking I won't even be able to have the COVID jab and everyone will be out enjoying life again and I won't be able to. I keep wishing I would miscarry. GP said to let her know by the end of the week if I want referring for an abortion.
Has anyone else ever felt this way?

I really struggled when pregnant with my second. My eldest took 2+ years to conceive with investigations and MC along the way. We always wanted another so we stopped all contraception just before she turned 1, thinking it would take just as long for another. We conceived as soon as my periods started.

I felt overwhelming guilt and sadness for her when I found out - I was so guilty that I was making her grow up quickly, taking away her baby time. I was very sick and absolutely exhausted from the time I found out so even more guilty I could not care for her properly and do activities with her. Guilty I could not make the most of the time when it was just her. I can't even begin to describe how much guilt I felt over it all. As one point, I remember thinking I wouldn't be so upset if I miscarried this time compared to when it happened before.

It was all hormones that caused me to feel that way, it improved as time went on and now they are 2 and 4. There have been difficult points, sleep deprivation with my second is certainly one and has put me off having any more but I couldn't love them both more if I tried and the bond between them is incredible.

I don't want to influence your decision - just saying how you feel right now is not unusual

Hi all, i posted om here about 6 weeks ago.

Planned pregnancy, very excited about having 3rd. 6 weeks hit and sickness, fatigue and hormones i had complete worry and regret. Never did i imagine i would feel that way. I felt so sad about deciding to have another. My dh was very supportive and tried to reassure but i couldnt believe the shit in how i was feeling and i really did wish i wasnt pregnant.

Im now 12weeks. Im getting energy back and although i dont feel excited there still a feeling ive maybe not made best decision but I know the hormones have a part to play in it.

Anyone whos feeling similar its normal. Im trying to remember reasons i wanted a baby.

@ED81
You have made a really brave decision and i can relate.

@Summersun12 - thankyou.

It was without doubt the hardest thing I’ve done but it was right for us to not continue. Not sure where it stemmed from apart from the reality of actually being pregnant being different to the thought of it. I’m very mindful about hormones being mad but my feeling of dread appeared at the exact same time as the positive result.

I feel light and brighter once again. Like I’ve said I don’t agree with what I’ve done but it was the best decision. I do feel sad at times but that’is ok. As long as I acknowledge that but allow myself to move forward.

I hope things continue to improve for you. 🙂

@ED81 you know when youve made best decision for you. Your terminoloy of "feeling light and brighter" completely resonates because when i was considering termintation thats exactly how i wanted to feel, back to my non pregnant self.

Wishing you all the best x

@Summersun12. It’s so difficult isn’t it. I think you are brave for moving forward and sticking with the choice to have your baby. I wish you all the best.

I perhaps took the easier way out. Trying to not feel guilty. That’ is a natural reaction though I suppose.

Counselling is an absolute godsend. Certainly some of the best money I’ve spent. I’d recommend it.

I'm right there with you. We had a planned pregnancy. We have 2 kids already. We were happy but so scared how to make it work. All of the fears got us, and we let the stats and normalization of abortion make us think it was the right choice for us and our family. But as soon as it was done, even during the procedure, I was losing it and crying. Worst decision of my life. Kids are hard, but bring so much to your life. And the hugs and snuggles are so worth it. I am so heartbroken over it. There's a point where the "ball of cells" is no longer a ball, ours had arms and legs and a defined head. I can't justify it, and it's not right. I respect everyone's choices rights, but there's got to be more to it. All of our fears and considerations no longer mean as much to us, and we are desperate to get to a point where we do have our third baby. But that seems so wrong now. I hope you find comfort in what life brings you next.

@MrsOV.
I’m so sorry that this is your experience. But you did what you thought was right at that time for you and your family. It’s easier said than done to be kind yourself but take some time to process what has happened and to move forward. Even consider some post abortion counselling to help make some sense of this?
We all make choices and decisions based on our thoughts at the time. We can’t always get that right.xx

@ED81 , yep, started counselling right away. It hit me even harder the next day, and couldn't sleep without medication. Thanks.

@lostandconfused1988

9 weeks with a planned pregnancy and to be honest I'm feeling like I made a huge mistake, the nausea and tiredness is overwhelming I feel so guilty for my partner and little boy. I'm now feeling like we're out of the baby phase and why would I want to go back to sleepless nights and nappies again. I don't know what on earth possessed me to want to try for another. I just want the old me and my body and mind back. Also thinking I won't even be able to have the COVID jab and everyone will be out enjoying life again and I won't be able to. I keep wishing I would miscarry. GP said to let her know by the end of the week if I want referring for an abortion. Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. The bad nausea and tiredness is a horrific side effect to pregnancy. I had it with both mine (pregnant with my second) and it was worse with my second pregnancy but I got through it and you will too. Can you take some sick leave to help you through this really tricky part? I took two weeks sick leave (my employer was really supportive) and it really helped. That might help you if you can do it. It sounds like you are struggling a lot and it is horrid but there are so many people out there that can help. Have you talked to your GP about how you are feeling? I got meds at the peak of my morning sickness and they helped me through. The ones I took were Buccastem, Ondasetron and another one which I can remember the name of. You will get through this and at the end of it all you will have a beautiful baby in your arms. I hope you are OK. Here's a virtual hug for you 🤗🤗

@MrsOV.
Just one day at a time. Even one hour at a time. I feel for you that you regret your choice. It’s a critical way of thinking that all do at some point but can prevent us from moving forward again. I hope this eases over time.x

@disconnecteddrifter. I hope you are feeling better about everything. It really is overwhelming isn’t it. Seems to be a lot of us in the same boat which is comforting to know.

This is definitely something that took me by surprise!! And something that isn’t talked about.

@ED81 thank you. I have been feeling pretty desperate now I'm just very depressed. I cant see the benefit of having the baby or not having it. I cant reapply see the point of anything right now. I have until tuesday to make a decision.
How are you coping? What kind of counselling are you getting? I'm looking for some but have tried so many and it's hard as I dont really see the point but I know it's the depression talking.

Sorry you are feeling so low. It’s a horrible place to be. I had counselling via Marie Stopes. They were wonderful and nothing but nice and considerate towards me.
Are you swaying in any particular direction re the pregnancy? Have you spoken to your GP? Is your mood usually low or is this different?x

[quote disconnecteddrifter]@ED81 thank you. I have been feeling pretty desperate now I'm just very depressed. I cant see the benefit of having the baby or not having it. I cant reapply see the point of anything right now. I have until tuesday to make a decision.
How are you coping? What kind of counselling are you getting? I'm looking for some but have tried so many and it's hard as I dont really see the point but I know it's the depression talking.[/quote]
Hi have you thought about going to your GP and asking for a referral to a Perinatal Mental Health service? I'm under them in my area and they are fantastic. They do an assessment and then you have a care coordinator who looks after you pre and post birth. It might be worth looking into as they provide lots of support. I've had them early with this pregnancy but had their support after I had my first born. Both times it was for severe birth anxiety.

@HappyMummy82. That’s a great idea.

Lots of woman seem to struggle with pregnancy. The thought of life changing etc is so very overwhelming. Mumsnet has really brought this to the forefront for myself. Mental health is really effected.

@disconnecteddrifter - what is concerning/worrying you so much? Have you got a supportive partner?x

[quote ED81]@HappyMummy82. That’s a great idea.

Lots of woman seem to struggle with pregnancy. The thought of life changing etc is so very overwhelming. Mumsnet has really brought this to the forefront for myself. Mental health is really effected.

@disconnecteddrifter - what is concerning/worrying you so much? Have you got a supportive partner?x[/quote]
Thank you. I want to support other women going through anxiety in the same way I did. I thought with my first pregnancy that there was no support and I only realised there was when I asked and admitted I was struggling after I had had baby. I had some pretty dark thoughts the day after I had my firstborn and I thought if I admitted them my baby would be taken away and it only took a doctor and midwife at the hospital to ask me and I said I wasn't feeling OK to get all the support I needed and now my first born son and I have an amazing bond.

I'm having counselling with Marie Stopes and it's really helpful. I know ill need more than the six sessions and reluctant to go for perinatal in case I abort. I havent even got a midwife.
Partner supportive in some ways (makes dinner and looks after the kids) and not others. He accused me of deliberately avoiding the family because I cant eat or be around food cooking. I just get home from work and vomit and pass out. His 10 year old is refusing to stay overnight recently (we have her 4 nights) s she is scared of sleeping and her mother is supporting that but its stressful for him and until the other day hes made no allowances for me being pregnant and working 60hr plus week being sick and exhausted. I broke down at the weekend and he gets it now. I have low mood but when pregnant I cant see any hope. I just feel time is running out as I'm 12 weeks (even though not quite 11 from last period). Just dont know what to do. I think about not being pregnant and having my mind back to be able to not panic about how I dont want to live but know also if I had the baby i would get that in 5 months and a much wanted child. How will i cope if i regret my choice? Sorry rambled on only two people know I'm pregnant- my partner and one friend.

@lostandconfused1988

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Your OP was me 28 weeks ago. I have a 2.5 year old and for a long time, despite always hoping to have two children, couldn't get my head round having a second as I struggled a lot mental health wise in the first year - 18 months with my first. After a lot of soul searching with my partner we did both end up in a place of very much wanting and planning for a second. Miscarriage followed which seemed to cement even more how much I did want a second... And then 6-7 weeks into this pregnancy I started having all these doubts because I felt so horrendous. Ended up with hyperemesis and signed off work for nearly 3 months. Was completely useless, physically and then increasingly so mentally. I know a lot of people are saying things will get better in the next couple of weeks but it is also possible that you struggle for longer than that. I don't say this to sway your decision negatively, more just to try and be honest. I'm at 36 weeks now and still really struggle with the guilt of feeling like I failed so badly with this pregnancy, have been useless, have questioned my choices so many times, have struggled to enjoy any of it (which makes me v sad as I definitely don't plan to do it again!) I started some counselling a couple months back which I would recommend you to do if you can, to help you process your feelings and come to a decision. And I would also really really encourage you to get some time signed off work sick if you haven't done so already. With how you are feeling (both physically and mentally) now is not the time to 'push through' or 'suck it up'.

@disconnecteddrifter.
Wow. That is a lot to be contending with. You have a lot on your plate. Working 60 hours alone is a lot!

It’s good that you acknowledge that your mood is low at times but this worsens when pregnant. But that it improves when baby arrives! I suppose it now depends it you can go through another 6 months potentially feeling like this? And if the risk is worth it?

You sound like termination doesn’t sit well with you and you might regret it?

@lostandconfused1988

Sorry, I've just seen the date on your OP being a few weeks ago, I hope you've since been able to come to terms with a decision either way. X

when we were still in our deliberation phase, i said to my husband "i don't want things to change, but i can't do an abortion. i don't want to have an abortion" that was how i felt even before, and everything got to me, and now it's so tough, and no baby to snuggle with in sept. i can't comment on if the feelings will get better, i know i was worried it would continue through my entire pregnancy, and that ate me up. but now i have no baby to look forward to, just the procedure to reexperience over and over.

either way you go, it's going to be mentally tough for a long while. i would undo it if i could, but that's my situation. everyone's situation is different. my husband was concerned with how i'd handle 3, since most of it is on me due to his long shifts. it made me feel worse, because i felt that i had no patience, and so many times thought and said to my kids that i was done and can't do it. it crushed me. it broke me down thinking i was failing my two wonderful kids, and how i'd fail even worse with 3. that was definitely a big factor in our decision. i don't know if i'd have felt better eventually, but i continuously think i would have. you know, go to the appt, have some eureka moment, walk out and be 100% confident in myself... but who knows. would it have been the rest of my pregnancy worrying and then blaming the baby for any stress?

there are unknowns either way. and i'm sure everything you read is just a "that's nice, thats you and you're not me" type of thing for you. that's all the posts i read before hand were. they rolled right off me, and i didn't consider them.

it may be tough, but having that baby, and giving it and you and your family the chance is worth something. good luck.

@disconnecteddrifter I hope you don't mind, I've just seen your post and am in a very similar position to you. Could you take a look at my thread on this page please?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy_choices/4209157-Miscarriage-Now-pregnant-again-Not-ready?msgid=106137214#106137214