Support for going through a medical abortion completely alone

[Georgie371]

I am just here for some support and hand holding. I am almost 38 and on Sunday I had a positive pregnancy test. I am single and have never been pregnant before. I have a scan today to get my pills for a medical abortion at home. I am terrified.
I know the abortion is the right thing to do (for many different reasons) but I am overwhelmed with guilt - I am terrified that I'll see a heartbeat at the scan. I know it sounds silly but I worry that the 'baby' will feel pain. On the phone consultation on Monday the nurse said I was exactly 5 weeks so I am hoping thats too soon for a heart beat?
I will be taking the meds at home all alone which is frightening, I don't know what I'll do if I see anything in the sanitary pad, I think it will haunt me forever.
I have not told ANYONE about the pregnancy, hence why I'm here hoping for a virtual hug. The only person I could tell is my best friend but she is literally today losing her 3rd attempt at a much wanted IVF baby so there is absolutely no way I could put this on her with the trauma she is already suffering, so I am just going to do this alone in secret. The guilt of aborting a baby when there are so many women out there desperate to conceive is almost unbearable.
Waiting has been the hardest part and I just want it all over now and to carry on with my normal life, I guess I just wanted to come here and speak to women who have done this already and selfishly I want someone to tell me I'm not a bad person and I'm doing the right thing and it won't be horrendous going through this process alone!
X

Hi Georgie,

Virtual hugs

I had a medical abortion a few weeks ago. Like you I was single and in my 30s. I was about 6/7 weeks. I was a lot more undecided than you and I chose not to have a scan as I was worried I would get too “attached”. There may be cardio activity at 5 weeks but I’m guessing you may have already had your scan by now? How was it?

Is there anyone else you can talk to about this? Were you offered counselling at your appt today? I’ve had counselling and I really recommend it. You can also talk to me of course

I totally empathise with wanting everything to just get back to normal.

I took the first tablet one day, then the second lot the next. I opted to insert them vaginally and then I began cramping about 2-3 hours later. The cramps were really bad for me and I felt extremely weak and lethargic. I was so faint I couldn’t even sit up to reach for my water on my shelf! But they only lasted about 4 hours and then I began to get better quite drastically quickly.

I never felt the urge to run to the loo as some other people have said. I never to my knowledge saw me passing the pregnancy, just two or maybe three clots in sanitary pads. And I was further gone than you. I didn’t bleed massively heavily either, I went through one heavy duty pad every 3-4 hours and then this dramatically decreased each day until I stopped bleeding completely after about 10 days or so.

Please don’t feel guilty. I posted a thread at the time about feeling guilty post abortion and it may be worth reading some of the replies as they basically helped reinforced that I’d done the right thing, like im sure you have too. Not wanting a pregnancy is reason enough to terminate it safely and you are really extremely early on and I doubt a foetus could feel pain at that stage.

I still struggle with the guilt of knowing I aborted a baby when there are so many other women out there that can’t conceive, but I’m in counselling to help me manage this. Ultimately it doesn’t mean it’s wrong for you to have an abortion just because other people are struggling.

I hope this helps, I’m happy to chat to you on here as you’re going through this so you have company! Make sure you have a hot water bottle ready, some favourite snacks and your favourite film ready. Lots of TLC required

Hi April9888,

Thank you so much for responding. I literally just got in from the hospital about 15 mins ago. I had conflicting advice from the nurse who said I should take my first pill exactly 24 hours before the second lot and no later.....I wanted to take the second lot early Saturday morning so that I'd have the day to deal with whatever happens, but I can't wait until tomorrow morning to take the first pill so I just swallowed it now, bawled for 10 mins and now I feel ok - kinda like its done now (no going back) so its a relief and I feel calm writing this. I was really surprised they didn't make me take it there in the hospital as I thought that was protocol but maybe she thought my crying meant I needed a little more time to consider if I wanted to go ahead and was being sensitive to that.

May I ask what time of day you took your second lot of pills? I wonder if there is an advantage to taking them in the evening (so maybe you can sleep through the end part of it) but I haven't seen anyone say anything about that.

How did you manage not to have a scan - they won't let you proceed with the treatment here without a confirmation scan of pregnancy. I had an internal scan and it took her a while to find anything (for a couple of minutes I was wishing and wishing that perhaps the pregnancy test had been wrong and my period was just super later for the first time ever and this was all not happening) but then she found it. I cried a lot and asked if there was a heartbeat and she said she could not say for definite but she did not see one on the scan so she didn't think so. I asked to see the scan and bring a copy home which I didn't think I'd want to do, but in the moment it felt right and I am glad that I did.

They did offer counselling but I don't think I need it, what I really felt I needed was to come somewhere like this and hear from women who have been though it, like your lovely self. I didn't have a Mumsnet account until today as I was googling for advice. I will go and read your post that you mentioned as soon as I work out how.

Thank you so much for reaching out, you have no idea how much it means. I really don't want to bother any of my friends or family with this, I was worried that talking to them would make my decision harder when I'd already made up my mind and they all have so much of their own stuff to deal with at the moment, I don't want to burden them. I don't think my best friend would be able to forgive me for this, with what she is going through but at the same time, would she forgive me for going through with it too? When she was always the one who should have been a mummy and I was always the one who never wanted to? She loves me but it would be natural for her not to be able to cope with that, at least not right now anyway.

I do not feel too worried about anything else now, this might sound super weird but I feel like the pain/blood will be what I deserve for letting myself get into this situation in the first place and also will bring me some closure. (I've been having sex for over 20 years and never once let myself be at risk like this). I guess the waiting really was the worst part (so far). I will be up and down I'm sure but the decision is done now and I am looking forward to a new start (and boobs that aren't sore).
April9888 thank you so so much for reaching out and sharing your experience with me, it has meant so much and I am so glad you are having the counselling to find the peace you deserve. We must be kind to ourselves now. You're a star, thank you x

@April9888 sorry, not sure if I had to @ you in order for you to see this reply. Trying to work out how to view your post that you mentioned - any help much appreciated x

Hi @georgie371 - virtual hand hold 💕

I had a medical abortion a couple of months ago. I too was also 5 weeks.
I will share my experience with you so that I can give you some peace of mind (hopefully :-) )

I also opted for the evening as I could just relax and not have to be anywhere.
I took the 2nd lot of pills around 4pm.
Cramping began at 5pm.
Bleeding began shortly after, pain was at it's peak around 6.30/7pm (although I didn't feel the need to take the codeine, paracetamol and ibuprofen worked well for me but it is personal preference of course) - I was informed that the pain and bleeding would be at it's most severe upon passing the pregnancy, which tallied up perfectly with the timing of which things were happening. I went to the loo for a wee around 8pm where I passed what I can only describe as a raspberry?? And I would imagine that was the pregnancy. It didn't hurt, it just came out with the urine as any small clot would when you're on your period.

The bleeding eased up from that moment, although I was bleeding for the best part of 2 weeks post-procedure. Nothing crazy and nothing more than a period.

I did feel feverish that evening though, so maybe take the tablets early evening as opposed to just before bed - even though I slept well after 8pm, I certainly wouldn't have been able to "sleep through it" as I would have needed to get up for the couple of times to change my pad, take medication, refill my hot water bottle etc.

If you need any advice at all please just shout. Having gone through this myself very recently at the exact same dates as you I want to be able to make this as easy and reassuring for you as possible xx

@Georgie371

Hi April9888,

Thank you so much for responding. I literally just got in from the hospital about 15 mins ago. I had conflicting advice from the nurse who said I should take my first pill exactly 24 hours before the second lot and no later.....I wanted to take the second lot early Saturday morning so that I'd have the day to deal with whatever happens, but I can't wait until tomorrow morning to take the first pill so I just swallowed it now, bawled for 10 mins and now I feel ok - kinda like its done now (no going back) so its a relief and I feel calm writing this. I was really surprised they didn't make me take it there in the hospital as I thought that was protocol but maybe she thought my crying meant I needed a little more time to consider if I wanted to go ahead and was being sensitive to that.

May I ask what time of day you took your second lot of pills? I wonder if there is an advantage to taking them in the evening (so maybe you can sleep through the end part of it) but I haven't seen anyone say anything about that.

How did you manage not to have a scan - they won't let you proceed with the treatment here without a confirmation scan of pregnancy. I had an internal scan and it took her a while to find anything (for a couple of minutes I was wishing and wishing that perhaps the pregnancy test had been wrong and my period was just super later for the first time ever and this was all not happening) but then she found it. I cried a lot and asked if there was a heartbeat and she said she could not say for definite but she did not see one on the scan so she didn't think so. I asked to see the scan and bring a copy home which I didn't think I'd want to do, but in the moment it felt right and I am glad that I did.

They did offer counselling but I don't think I need it, what I really felt I needed was to come somewhere like this and hear from women who have been though it, like your lovely self. I didn't have a Mumsnet account until today as I was googling for advice. I will go and read your post that you mentioned as soon as I work out how.

Thank you so much for reaching out, you have no idea how much it means. I really don't want to bother any of my friends or family with this, I was worried that talking to them would make my decision harder when I'd already made up my mind and they all have so much of their own stuff to deal with at the moment, I don't want to burden them. I don't think my best friend would be able to forgive me for this, with what she is going through but at the same time, would she forgive me for going through with it too? When she was always the one who should have been a mummy and I was always the one who never wanted to? She loves me but it would be natural for her not to be able to cope with that, at least not right now anyway.

I do not feel too worried about anything else now, this might sound super weird but I feel like the pain/blood will be what I deserve for letting myself get into this situation in the first place and also will bring me some closure. (I've been having sex for over 20 years and never once let myself be at risk like this). I guess the waiting really was the worst part (so far). I will be up and down I'm sure but the decision is done now and I am looking forward to a new start (and boobs that aren't sore).
April9888 thank you so so much for reaching out and sharing your experience with me, it has meant so much and I am so glad you are having the counselling to find the peace you deserve. We must be kind to ourselves now. You're a star, thank you x

Hi Georgie, well done on getting through the appt!! I had tears rolling down my cheek in mine too.

I was exactly the same! I took my tablets 3pm ish when I got home (I cried too!) so I took the second lot 24 hours later. The pain kicked in 6pmish and I was okay by 10pm.

They did used to make you take the first pill at home pre covid I think!

I’m not sure how I got away without a scan. I would have been the same for you though, I would have wanted a picture and I’ve read about a lot of women on here doing the same.

I wouldn’t bother your best friend if you don’t think that’s the right thing to do, it doesn’t sound like she’d be able to emotionally support you?

When I felt pain I felt like that too “I’m being punished” and “this is karma” I do really feel like everything you’ve said sounds normal and really common!

I couldn’t WAIT for my boobs to get less sore and flatten down!

No problem. I’ll check back here tomorrow just in case you want any support for when it happens

@hillarypcof thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I know everyone is different but it is a relief to hear an experience that went 'well' if you know what I mean - of course none of this is easy.
I am off work today so I don't need to worry - but I was going to take the second pills tomorrow morning (Saturday) as I don't know how I would sleep through - as you've mentioned, having to get up for pad changes/meds etc. However, now that I've already taken the first pill, I don't think I can wait until tomorrow to take them so I am going to take them early evening today. May I ask how you are feeling emotionally now that 2 months have passed? I hope you are feeling ok, your message has meant so much to me, thank you.

@April9888 thank you for coming back to me again. I thought they strictly 'administered' the drug under their supervision so I was surprised. I've seen some people can get the pills sent straight to them at home without going in at all, but I was there for the scan anyway so it was weird they didn't watch me take it.

I am glad I got the scan to take home. I looked at it last night and felt extremely wobbly - I don't want children but I guess its only natural to dream about 'what if.... could I do this....how could I make it work...wouldn't it be wonderful to hold a tiny baby that I made/looked like me' but thats not a good enough reason to have a baby. I grew up without a dad and although my mum was great, it was hard! Also I've already taken the first pill, so no going back and honestly mentally I have been so much better since I swallowed it because the decision is gone then, isn't it. It cannot be undone now. I can only move forward.

I have not felt any different since taking the pill. I feel a tiny bit crampy and slightly hot and queasy but I have felt that way the past 2 weeks anyway. My heart keeps racing but it has been that way since I took the pregnancy test so I think its anxiety (I do not normally suffer from anxiety). I have not had an upset stomach and I managed to sleep ok.

While I feel at peace with my decision and desperate to get cracking with the 'hard part' with the second pills, I am also feeling extremely scared about what is going to happen later. I guess it is the fear of the unknown. I wish I was not here alone but it has to be done. I've got everything I need and Amazon just delivered my hot water bottle.

I may take a walk to get some of my fave snacks today and I think I'll keep myself busy with a good clean of the flat as the hours tick down.

@hillarypcof @April9888 thank you so much all your support. It has really meant so much to be to be able to talk to someone about this and I appreciate both of you taking the time to write your messages to a stranger on the internet. I am so sorry for putting this on you, but I literally had nowhere else to turn.

I am really scared but I am sure I will be ok. x

@April9888 how can I view the post you wrote previously? I think it will help me but I cannot work out how to view your posts?

Sorry, I forgot to reply to that bit - if you look on the Pregnancy Choices forum and scroll down a bit, my post is called something like “Huge regret.......” and some more words after it. It wasn’t that long ago so it’s easy to find!

You should be fine to take them early afternoon today if you don’t want to wait, it also gives you more recovery time over the weekend. I was done by 10pm and I had a normal nights sleep afterwards, didn’t soak through my pad or anything like that.

The anxiety sounds normal. Pregnancy messes with your emotions at the best of times!

I did and still do have those thoughts like “it would be so nice to have a baby I made”, and I do wonder what it would have looked like etc but I think I always will wonder that.

I felt like a new woman the day after my abortion. But my emotions began crashing a few days later. I could feel they were really very unstable and swinging about the shop just like they were doing when I was pregnant, but even worse. I basically spiralled into a very dark place where I was extremely low. I think this is quite rare though Georgie and I always really wanted to have children (just not in fatherless circumstances) so I imagine this is why things were worse for me.

I can’t say I’m doing brilliantly emotionally but I am much much better. My emotions are calmer. I’m going back to work on Monday and feel ready for the distraction! I just keep telling myself there’s no reason why I can’t have children in the future if I wanted to.

It sounds like you are very sure about your decision and youve made it for good reasons. You know first hand how hard it would be to be a single mum. One of the most helpful things someone said to me was even being uncertain and not 100% sure about having a baby is good enough reason not to have one

Thanks @April9888 I get where you are coming from. I managed to find your posts from earlier.

I did always want children but only in the right circumstances and unfortunately I have not been lucky enough to meet someone special. I had resigned myself to being almost 38 now and so its not happening for me as I thought it would be really difficult to have a first pregnancy after the age of 35 even if I met someone special which is probably why I was lax this time around with not getting the morning after pill. Silly.

I have been more up and down today than I thought with a few uncontrollable sobbing moments which I was not expecting. I kinda wish I could call my mum but she will be upset as this could have been my only chance to have a baby and I've thrown it away (I know thats what she will think).

I think I will do the 2nd pills a little earlier than planned as I think this waiting part is the worst bit and I hope that like you, I will feel brand new tomorrow. Maybe it will hit me more later too (I'm so sorry for you) but I feel that once this bit is done and over I can go back to planning all of the things I was planning before this, and throw myself into those plans again. One of my plans, ironically, was to adopt a child once I'd bought my own home (about a year away) as I always thought there were so many kids out there who needed someone to love them, and I now feel like that might be some sort of repentance for what I have done here. So much guilt flowing through me right now.

I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am disgusted with myself.

I took the first pill yesterday at 5pm, do you reckon I'll be ok to take the 2nd ones at 3pm or 4pm today...... an hour or two should not make too much difference should it. x

Hi @Georgie371, I'm so glad I could help somebody out. I felt so alone when I was going through it, so if I can be that person for you that I was looking for a couple of months ago then I take that as a positive! :-)

I have felt fine emotionally about the termination. It was never the right time for a number of reasons, and my boyfriend has been so loving and supportive throughout the entire thing. He also agreed it wasn't the right time, so from that respect it was "easy" (hope that doesn't sound awful!). His support definitely made things easier. He was very attentive. My next period came pretty much 4 weeks to the day that I took the pills, so it didn't seem to mess with my body or my hormones too much. The 2 periods that I have had since the termination have been a bit heavier than usual, but nothing catastrophic. They say that's quite common.

I felt REALLY tired for about a month after, I would say that I'm only just feeling like myself in that respect. Also my skin was AWFUL (spotty), but I have really bad acne anyway so it was hard to tell if it was related to the procedure or not. It most likely was due to the hormones, but I'll never know for definite!

All I would say is that when I took the 2nd lot of pills it truly was like contractions, they would get quite intense and then I would have some relief. I would say they came every 5 minutes for about an hour, and whilst they were happening I couldn't even hold a conversation, I just wanted to focus on getting through the pain. But again it wasn't HORRIFIC, just quite uncomfortable (I have not had children so I'm sure for the women who have given birth, this pain is a walk in the park 😅)

Overall it is absolutely nothing to be scared about. And I will keep checking here to be on hand with any questions you may have or if you just want a chat and a hand-hold 💕 x

Also @georgie371 please don't feel "disgusted" with yourself. I told the Nurse that I felt that way too, and she said don't, some women use abortions as their form of contraception!!!! Basically these things happen, and we are lucky to live in a country where the support and the procedure is there for us, when we need it, without judgement and all for free 💕

All of mine was over the phone too. Didn't even go for a scan. The nurse felt so confident with my dates of last period/when I DTD etc that it all tallied up to be 5 weeks without a doubt. Had the telephone appt on a Tuesday morning and the pills arrived in the post by the Thursday afternoon xx

@hillarypcof thank you! Being alone is making this whole thing super hard - I am so glad you had a loving partner to help you through as much as possible.

I really do feel very lucky that we live in a country which is pro-choice! I have always been pro-choice but I also thought it it ever happened to me, I'd probably keep it but I knew I wouldn't know for sure unless I was actually in that situation myself. I keep trying to tell myself what I would tell my best friend if it was her in my situation, and I would definitely tell her not to be hard on herself and that it is ok.

This afternoon has been really dreadful as I'm just watching the clock tick down and wanting to do it so that its over with. I am going to do the second pills at 4pm. I have everything ready, including a towel under my bedsheets etc in case I didn't feel physically able to do that later. I have a sick bucket next to the couch, lots of snacks etc. I popped a codeine half an hour ago. I am good to go. Just waiting now, still scared but its so helpful knowing I have you ladies here to reach out to as well. I don't expect you to spend your Friday nights checking in here though, please don't feel that you must!

These messages have made me feel so much stronger, I can't even tell you how good they've been for my mental health, I honestly cannot thank you enough. I'm sure I'll having a massive cry once the pills are in and once I've passed something, but I hope I feel better after too.

Perhaps one day I can do the same for someone else x

@hillarypcof also guess I'm quite lucky that we've just started lock down so if I do feel tired for the next month like you did, I don't have to leave my flat at all as I'm working from home so the timing is at least the best I could ask for, I am thankful for that x

If you feel a bit faint, run your wrists under really cold water, helped me

@QueenPaws thank you so much! Great tip, I'll be sure to try. I am planning on spending most of my time laying on the couch with some Starburst. Hope you're doing ok and fully recovered now x

@georgie371 I know, I never thought it would happen to me either. My partner and I were always absolutely bang on with our contraception... but it was a long 4 months of lockdown (we don't live together) and the night we reunited we were VERY complacent which just so happened to be the day that I ovulated 😂😭

You are a strong woman, physically and emotionally, you've totally got this 💪🏻
That is a good idea about taking some pain relief beforehand, I wish I had thought of that! And also a good idea about putting a towel down too. I used some super absorbent sanitary towels (Tesco ones, nothing super expensive) and they were great, I didn't leak at all, but it's always good to play it safe.

I took my pills at 4pm on my day too!
I started cramping about 4.45pm/5pm, bleeding by about 6pm, pain was peak between 630 and 7 and I didn't really have an appetite that night at all - but it is all totally normal.

I really wanted to have a bath the next day, however they advise that you don't do that for a few days as you are more susceptible to infections. So just a heads up on that one!!!

How is it going? Xx

@hillarypcof well it's an easy mistake to make - I read one in three women have a termination, yet none of my friends have ever told me they have so I guess I'm not the only one with a secret.

I'm ok. I did the second pills. I feel calm but it might be the Codeine (I was hoping to feel high right now but I don't unfortunately) I hope my timeline is similar to yours!

How did you feel the next day, after the 'worst' part was over?

I am feeling strange in that I can't believe a few little pills taken at home alone can stop a pregnancy. It's really that simple physically. It seems to be the emotional pain that is unbearable for a lot of women. The whole situation just feels so surreal right now, I don't know what I'm feeling. Just hope it starts soon x

@georgie371 how you are feeling is totally normal, and yes I would agree that the pain from this experience comes more from emotionally than physically. I admire you for going through this on your own 💕
I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when the pregnancy passed, but when it happened I felt this huge relief and a real physical weight off my shoulders. That also probably contributed to me sleeping so well that night, because I knew it had worked and that it was just a case of riding it out now. The next day I felt brand new - again i think that was because i felt so relieved. I had psyched myself up to prepare for this huge physical trauma, when in reality it was text book. If I had known it was going to be as smooth sailing as it was I definitely wouldn't have been as nervous.
I remember taking paracetamol/ibuprofen for the couple of days afterwards, but nothing was awful and I could go about my day to day life as normal. In fact, I helped my best friend move house the next day, so that might show how fine I felt afterwards!
I never looked in the toilet when I passed it, but it felt like nothing more than a large clot. There definitely wouldn't have been a heartbeat or any obvious features, so don't worry about that. Be kind to yourself and take it easy over the weekend x

Thank you @hillarypcof
I've literally been laying here for the past hour and just this minute got quite a severe cramp that lasted 10 seconds then stopped so I guess things are starting now. I'm a bit shivery even with thick pjs and heating on but I read that's quite common. Or maybe I'm just scared. Either way, here we go......
Head feeling quite clear, think I'm going into survival mode....

Sounds like you’re ready to go! Having everything to hand is a great idea as you really will feel super lethargic. You’ve got this!

@Georgie371

Thank you *@hillarypcof* I've literally been laying here for the past hour and just this minute got quite a severe cramp that lasted 10 seconds then stopped so I guess things are starting now. I'm a bit shivery even with thick pjs and heating on but I read that's quite common. Or maybe I'm just scared. Either way, here we go...... Head feeling quite clear, think I'm going into survival mode....

Sounds like things may be starting up. I remember feeling very shivery too and then very warm and back and forth!

Thanks @April9888 I'm cramping bad now so we're definitely getting into it. Shaking bad too, I think it's nerves..... but I'm going get through this. It's a good sign that it's going like clockwork so far. Time to get the hot water bottle x

You've got this @georgie371... I felt quite shivery too, a bit feverish/chills. It is all totally normal x

Thank you @hillarypcof I've just started bleeding. Felt a whoosh and went to the bathroom. The cramps had stopped (the hot water bottle feels so good) so I was worried but clearly things are still happening.

When I saw the blood, I felt sad but mainly I just felt relieved. So am feeling positive that I can cope with what is yet to come. Fingers crossed. I feel like I'm in sensible mode right now and if I break down it will be later when it's all over.

I'm so pleased it's happening quickly, I read so many stories of women where it took hours to work and they weren't sure if it was working or not.

It's such a relief being able to come here and speak to you ladies! I'm sorry for projecting all this on you. I hope you're actually enjoying your Friday evenings and this isn't triggering you or making you feel sad x

That’s great!!! It seems like things are going absolutely as they should. My cramps were SO bad before I bled.... you’ve started bleeding already so that’s a great sign! It’s working :)