I don’t know how to decide pls help

[vrycncrnd]

Hello everyone,
I am new here and I am looking for advice. I am around 7 weeks pregnant. I am married, married in January of this year. We were using contraceptives, so this pregnancy is a shock. I guess the details don’t really matter.

We had discussed trying for a family sometime next year. Meaning we’d likely give birth in 2022 if all went well. This pregnancy is way too early for us both. But...this is where I’m conflicted...I’m 35. And I fear if I don’t keep this baby we may struggle to get pregnant later. But, as we’ve both discussed we really are not ready to have one yet.

It all sounds so selfish. I know lots of women get pregnant before they’d like or at inconvenient times. Is that a reason to get an abortion? I have no idea what to do. I cried for days on end when I first found out. I don’t cry as much now. But I do not know if I should keep this baby or not.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like a terrible person contemplating this.

You plan on trying to conceive at 36/37? I really wouldn't terminate this one and rely on being able to conceive again later. Your fertility is declining every year. Given that you're married and want to have children I think it would be cavalier to end this pregnancy on the assumption that you'll be able to have a baby in a couple of years. You might, but then again you might not.
I'm sorry if that sounds compassionless, it's not meant to. Unplanned pregnancy is stressful. But this isn't the worst circumstance to have an unexpected baby come into.

I agree with CodenameVillanelle.

We are having an unplanned pregnancy. We're both now excited for it after two birth already. It all works out. I couldn't go through an abortion; it would have haunted me after I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks previously.

Your situation sounds great for a baby, I do not understand why you are not celebrating. It's earlier than planned but adjust your mindset and enjoy.

I would suggest you both get some counselling before taking such a big decision.
As others have said you might struggle to conceive again when you are ready. Although if this pregnancy is essentially unwanted it wouldn't be fair to have the baby.
I don't envy your decision but be careful you don't have huge regrets.

Any reason is a good enough reason to have an abortion. If you don’t want a baby now don’t feel guilty about that. You don’t have to ‘adjust’ to this and celebrate or have the baby if you don’t want to, it is as simple as that

I agree with @CodenameVillanelle
There's no guarantee that you will fall pregnant after this. It took me and my husband 2.5 years ttc from the age of 27 and that was unexplained infertility (aka nothing was found wrong). Fertility does decrease after the age of 35.
You and your husband need to discuss this at length.

@dodgeballchamp

Any reason is a good enough reason to have an abortion. If you don’t want a baby now don’t feel guilty about that. You don’t have to ‘adjust’ to this and celebrate or have the baby if you don’t want to, it is as simple as that

Thank you. It’s really difficult because of my age, I realize people think I’m crazy. But, I just feel like this would cause a huge strain on our marriage right now. The first six months have been very hard already, I won’t go into detail here. But it’s hard not to feel guilty. Especially when most people just don’t understand.

vrycncrnd for you as this is clearly a very difficult decision and I’m sorry you’re facing it.

When you say the past 6 months have been very hard already, and that being pregnant/having a baby would cause strain on your marriage - have to say I’m thinking lots of things here. And sorry if I’m reaching, and please forgive me for playing devil’s advocate for a second. Are you saying your marriage isn’t very stable right now? And is that one of your concerns about having a baby is that you need time to fix your marriage first? But say you did have an abortion, and say your marriage didn’t survive anyway, then where does that leave you? Out of interest, are you feeling pressured by your DH to have an abortion? Is one of you more on the side of “have the baby now”, or do you both equally feel that it is the wrong time for a baby.
Lots of questions, don’t need to answer any. Good luck with this.

I agree with CodenameVillanelle as well.

By the time your baby is born you would have been trying to conceive anyway, or be about to start.

At 35 you really can’t take your fertility for granted and as you are intending to have children anyway I would consider the pregnancy a happy accident.

That said, you obviously don’t wish to share the details of what has been going on for the last few months so it is difficult to say whether that would change things or not.

Obviously if you don't want to say why it's been hard already, then that's up to you, but it's hard to give the best advice with only a few of the facts.

However, I'd sooner have a baby at 35, and end up raising it alone than risk not being able to have a baby at all.

I agree too. Sent you a private message xx

I guess it depends how badly do you want a child.
If your marriage isn't good and there is a chance it will end then you may find you don't have a child in 2 years or at all. If that's worth the risk then by all means don't have a baby now. Only you know how important it is.
However if you desperately want a child and would take the risk of being a single parent then that's another thing.
Of course if he's abusive to you then that's different again. You need to consider whether you want to raise a child with him even separated and whether that would be harmful for the child.

Agree with above posters. What changes in a year to make you ready?

This is absolutely crazy to me and it’s probably pretty awful for people struggling to conceive to read. Unless there is a massive backstory here this is terrible. You’ve just got married, you’re 35 and you want a baby yet you would abort because one year later would be more convenient? Maybe you shouldn’t be a parent at all.

I tried for a 3rd child at 35, it took 3 years to conceive again. Honestly I think you would be mad to terminate as you know you do intend TTC in a years time. However, you have the right to terminate for any reason.

I had an earlier-than-planned baby so I understand the shock, but honestly, if you know you want a baby in the near-future, I'd personally keep this pregnancy. Life throws all sorts of curveballs our way, we have much less control over our lives than we think we do. Good luck, whatever you choose.

imtootired that’s a horrible thing to say. One woman’s desire NOT to be pregnant at this moment in time doesn’t invalidate another woman’s struggle to conceive. Nobody should have a baby out of guilt or obligation because someone else would like one. There aren’t any right or wrong feelings about being pregnant - every feeling is valid, including negative ones.

OP, only you know how much you want kids, but there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting one right now. Don’t listen to the guilt-trippers, it’s your life and your body and you don’t have to martyr that for anyone. As I said before, any reason is valid for wanting an abortion providing it’s your choice - yes, there is a chance you might find it harder to conceive in a year or two but equally you might not, and you’re the only person who knows how much you’re willing to take that risk and how much you want to be a mother. FWIW I’ve had an abortion (albeit when younger than 30) and I’ve never once regretted it in the years since.

@dodgeballchamp I am all for a woman’s choice to end a pregnancy but this really seems to be taking the piss. Maybe there is much more to the story and if that is the case maybe the the OP should let us know what it is before asking for advice. If it’s simply a case of convenience and what she would prefer, it seems pretty cold and heartless. I was in a similar situation myself in that I got pregnant at an inconvenient time but wanted another baby at some stage and thought I would be tempting fate and would blame myself if I couldn’t have one in one or two years time. I also don’t really understand the mentality of wanting a baby but not the one you’re currently pregnant with. So many people leave it too late to start trying for children in the first place thinking they’ll have all the time in the world and it doesn’t work out that way.

This isn’t a baby. It’s a bundle of cells which is offering you the possibility of a baby.

It’s a hard choice and I’m sure not one you’re taking lightly but please think about how you would feel if having ended this pregnancy you were unable to have another.

It’s absolutely your right to choose, I was very naive about how difficult it can be to fall pregnant with a healthy baby after 35 and knowing what I do now I would have worried less about timing being perfect.

Good luck OP. x

In taking your decision, given your age and relationship problems would consider the scenarios that you may find it difficult to have a biological DC in the future with your DH, or a new partner.

If the relationship problems are due to your DH’s behaviour, would also consider whether you want to have a DC with him, since that’s a huge tie, even if you break up.

I’mtootired: unkind post. Abortion is available to women, thank goodness, no one judges whether reasons are valid or “taking the piss” (whatever you mean by that).

And ‘tempting fate’ is woo.

In your circumstances no way would I consider termination. If I wanted a baby in a year or two at your age.

OP says that the first 6 months of her marriage have been ‘very hard’: we don’t know why. Most likely explanation is relationship problems, in which case OP is being sensible to reflect on her options.

@dozer by taking the piss I mean that although women should be legally able to have an abortion for any reason this would be an actual example of someone doing it for an extremely entitled, ridiculous and selfish reason. Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s a decision that should be taken lightly. And I don’t necessarily believe in tempting fate, I meant that you might feel you had done if you couldn’t get pregnant later. I’m not trying to be horrible I’m just commenting on how I see the situation and like I said before if the OP would like better insight and advice she should give more information.