7 month old baby and pregnant again. Going to terminate

[Maggi20]

Please can I have advice... so I just found out I’m pregnant, about 4 weeks gone, I also have a baby who’s only 7 months old. I’m still on maternity leave for another month! I’m having a phone consultation tomorrow in order to terminate the pregnancy. I’ve always said/thought I would never have an abortion, but we’re just not ready for another baby just yet. I don’t want to go through being pregnant again so soon and then having to do the newborn phase all over again. Our little girl has only just gone to her own room and we are in such a nice stage with her now.
I want to start a new routine with going back to work and spending time as a family out of this lockdown together and really enjoy and spend quality time with her. If I continue to be pregnant I won’t have much energy for her and I won’t have as much time for her when baby came. She’s my world and I don’t want to let her down. I don’t think I’d manage with 2 so young same time. We weren’t planning on having another until she’s around 3...I’ve been feeling so ill this week and exhausted I’ve not been able to do much with her it’s not fair.
So we’ve decided terminating is the best option right now, but I can’t help from feeling so guilty and feeling like I’m killing a baby and I’m terrified incase I regret it and never get over it. But I know it’s the best thing for us now.
Has anyone else been in this situation and can give me advice? Were you ok after an abortion? Hopefully if I go through with it I’ll feel relieved.

I fell pregnant with my LO was 8mo. I had an abortion for the exact same reasons you did. 2 years down the line I have no regrets. Good luck whatever you choose xx

Sorry that should say “the exact same reasons why you are considering”

Sending you strength and calm decision making OP. My feeling is by posting this question, you have enough doubts about termination that you’re willing to be convinced of the alternatives. As someone with a 13 month gap between me and my sibling, I can honestly say it was an incredible childhood. I’m sure my parents were beyond exhausted at times, but I’m not sure this exhaustion is much different than having a 2+ yr age gap between the kids. There are so many ‘what ifs...’ to keeping or terminating the pregnancy, irrevocable choices, they are exhausting in themselves.

There is a wonderful poem by Tomas Tranströmer called “The Blue House”. It describes an old man standing in the woods looking at his house from a new angle, feeling joy for the life he had, but also deep sadness for the lives he didn’t lead. Every life, Tranströmer writes, “has a sister ship”, one that follows “quite another route” than the one we are ended up taking.

Obviously you want clarity on which course to take. But perhaps if you take a step back and look at your blue house, you’ll see that there will likely be no clarity, at least at the outset; there will only be the choice you make and the sure knowledge that either one will contain some loss.

I encourage you to look at this scenario from the stance of your future self, perhaps this will help balance your immediate desires against your fears. Think about what you’d regret more. The path with the greater regret (because they will both likely involve regret) is the one to avoid. Write a list, examine it deeply, “same life” vs “life with closely aged children”. Would the temporary loss of energy, sleep, sanity be outweighed by the experience of achieving your dream of having two children? Would the chance of not conceiving again cause too much mental anguish? Would the exhaustion of being stretched too thin between two kids cause you resentment?

Your lists will be your life and your sister life. One is the life you’ll have, the other is the one you won’t. Switch them around in your head and see how it feels. Which is ruled by fear? Which is ruled by desire? Which makes you want to close your eyes and jump? Which makes you want to turn and run?

I got pregnant with DC3 when DC2 was 8mo. In my case it was planned (well- it was the first month of trying, I didn’t expect it to be quite so quick but there you go).

I have also had terminations in the past so no judgement here.

The cons of the small age gap are that you often feel you’re giving enough to either child. It’s intense for the first year and still very hard work after that.

Pros- in my case anyway- are that my boys (4&5) are amazing friends and playmates. They adore each other.

I got pregnant when DD was 5 month old and she's now almost 9 month old. My initial reaction was "oh shit" but my husband was over the moon. We always planned more than 1 baby but thought we would wait until DD was in school. If I'm being honest I did think it wasn't what I wanted until I was about 10 weeks pregnant. I was really sick for about 7 weeks and honestly it was the best age for DD to be cause I could just plop her in front of little baby bum and lie down/spew all day and not worry about having to entertain her as I would if she was a toddler.

Yes the newborn stage will be hard but I'm just thinking of it as extending the current newborn period. It's going to be hard with a second regardless of timing. I honestly think for me it would be worse if DD was 3/4yo and was starting to have a little independence & sleeping well to take a step back to the newborn phase.

Financially, all we need for the new baby is milk & nappies, especially if we have another girl. Both babies will be the same season so in the same clothes and my maternity clothes will be the same season too.

Up to you how you feel though and I would completely understand your reasoning for wanting to terminate. If you think you may feel guilty then I'd give yourself another week or so to get over the initial shock and see how you feel. If you feel it's the best decision for your family though you shouldn't feel guilty about that.

You could regret the termination for the rest of your life.
One might argue that regretting having a child for the rest of your life might be a bit worse.

Thank you so much to everyone who have replied. I feel better knowing there have been others in my situation who have come out of it ok. I’ve spoken to the consultant today and have decided to go ahead with the termination. It’s what’s best for us as a family. I need some normality back and am looking forward a little to going back to work and starting a new routine. I also want to spend as much time as I can with my daughter doing fun things. This last week I’ve been in bed or on the sofa a lot, morning sickness is much worse this time around and I’m only 5 weeks in. I feel awful for not spending this time with her and it won’t get any better.
Me and my partner are one day looking forward to hopefully give her a little brother or sister, maybe when she’s around 3, I’m looking forward to seeing her help me out and joining in looking after her little sibling. Hats off to anyone who have two babies so close in age, but it’s not for me, personally I couldn’t think of anything worse than looking after a baby and being pregnant (I could barely roll out of bed towards the end of the last one) and also looking after both. It’s a mission getting out of the house with just one.
And I’ve also been told by my sister in law who’s a midwife that it’s risky for mum and baby to become pregnant again so close to the last one so I’m not really willing to take that risk amongst everything else.
So for now we’re really going to enjoy our first baby until it’s the right time for the next to come along. Thank you all for your advice.

I had a termination when my baby was 7 months too. I’ve never regretted it for a second. You know if you’re not physically and mentally ready for another baby, and I definitely wasn’t. It was the best decision for my family. Good luck with whatever you do decide.

Wishing you all the very best, op , you sound secure in your choice and I'm glad you've been able to make one that is right for you.

I don’t regret my termination at all - not for a second. I am so glad and thankful that I was able to get one. From the moment I took the pregnancy test I knew that’s what I wanted to do and I didn’t waver for a second.

But I think about it occasionally. Not with any guilt or sadness, but just like curiously looking another life - you know? (But that other life makes me shudder.)

Go with your gut and good luck

10.5 months between my two. Very tough as they're still very little!
Do what's right for your and your family, everyone's circumstances are different and it is hard decision.

Wishing you all the best, but just a word of caution. I had 2 under 2. Now they are 1 and 3. I thank my lucky stars that I had a smaller gap because my child from 1-2 (so pregnancy and immediate post partum) was far easier to deal with than the 2-3 age. They are more energetic, more boisterous, and (for me anyway) far less content to watch cbeebies whilst I lay on the sofa trying not to throw up.

You'd get morning sickness out if the way whilst your baby can only (at most) cruise or crawl around. There's no dragging your vomitting knackered backside round a park. There's no carrying out of a shop a kicking child in the throes of the terrible twos, whilst having a bump, or SPD.

Every age gap is different, but I'd have a small one rather than a 3 year (so pregnant at just over 2) gap a thousand times over.

Don't presume that it will be easier in a couple of years. In some ways it will be, in other ways it'll be harder.

I had a termination back in April when my baby was also 7 months old - It was a horrible decision to make but for me and my family it was the best decision for us. I’ve never looked back .

Wishing you the best OP.

I was only going to add, that although I have never been in your position, my two DD's are 6 years apart, and planned that way. I was able to give both all my attention, and in between go back to work, get fit, travel (with only the one, easy), and have a pretty relaxed life. Along came number two, and then you are ready, the older one can help, and you know what, they are still the best of friends, and later in life, it is really lovely to have one who can genuinely help the second through all the trials and tribulations of teenage hood, exams, university applications etc etc.

Glad you have made a decision OP. Personally I could not have coped with having a second baby with a close age gap. I waited til DC1 was almost 4 but even then wondered if I should have waited longer. This way feels right for many, and having them close together is right for others. If I had had DC2 first I might have felt equipped to have another quickly but DC1 was and is the worst sleeper ever so I was on my knees!

Wishing you