7 month old baby and pregnant again. Going to terminate

[Maggi20]

Please can I have advice... so I just found out I’m pregnant, about 4 weeks gone, I also have a baby who’s only 7 months old. I’m still on maternity leave for another month! I’m having a phone consultation tomorrow in order to terminate the pregnancy. I’ve always said/thought I would never have an abortion, but we’re just not ready for another baby just yet. I don’t want to go through being pregnant again so soon and then having to do the newborn phase all over again. Our little girl has only just gone to her own room and we are in such a nice stage with her now.
I want to start a new routine with going back to work and spending time as a family out of this lockdown together and really enjoy and spend quality time with her. If I continue to be pregnant I won’t have much energy for her and I won’t have as much time for her when baby came. She’s my world and I don’t want to let her down. I don’t think I’d manage with 2 so young same time. We weren’t planning on having another until she’s around 3...I’ve been feeling so ill this week and exhausted I’ve not been able to do much with her it’s not fair.
So we’ve decided terminating is the best option right now, but I can’t help from feeling so guilty and feeling like I’m killing a baby and I’m terrified incase I regret it and never get over it. But I know it’s the best thing for us now.
Has anyone else been in this situation and can give me advice? Were you ok after an abortion? Hopefully if I go through with it I’ll feel relieved.

I fell pregnant again when my dd was 6mo. Was a bit off a shock to have it happen so soon. Dd is 26mo now and ds is going to be 1 this week.

There have been days when I wanted to pull my hair out but on the whole I actually think this has been easier to get the baby phase out the way in one go. We originally would have had a 2 or 3 year gap but that would mean 5/6 years of sleep deprivation instead of just 2 or 3 like we're going through now so silver linings. Practical things like already having baby equipment have probably saved us money from starting again in a couple of years.

I was worried I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as dd, but honestly it's exactly the same with ds. You just do. It's like your heart gets bigger.

I don't want to seem like this is anti abortion or to make you feel bad it's just my experience of having 2 together with a small age gap. It's definitely possible and enjoyable.

You should do what feels right for you x

I had a termination 11yrs ago when I was 19, completely different circumstances to you though. I have to be honest and say that I found it tough mentally/emotionally but it was the right decision for me at the time and I have never ever regretted it. The difference now that I am pregnant with a pregnancy that was much wanted is massive. You have to do what is best for you, and I know people will have different views but at 4 weeks gestation I don’t think it’s a baby yet. The earlier you have a termination the better in my view. Best of luck whatever your decision x

Take your time and think it through. If you want another child I'd personally have it now, but my judgement might be clouded because then we waited and now we are struggling TTC so may not be able to have a second.

It’s completely your decision and nobody can tell you how you will feel if you terminate
However, in your position I think I might do the same. You say you don’t feel ready for another baby and for me that gap would be far too small so terminating May we’ll be the right thing for your family.
It’s very early days so if you want to terminate then it’s quite a minor procedure and shouldn’t impact your health or future fertility
Good luck whatever you decide x

I do know what you're going through, both because I had a termination and regretted it (and have sort of come to terms with but never got over it) and because I also went through exactly the same as you in finding out I was pregnant after having my first with a very similar gap. I thought I couldn't do it either. In my case I did go ahead with the pregnancy and can honestly say it was the best decision we ever made. Like the above poster it actually made things easier - being close in age they play together all the time, can do the same things at the park, go on play dates together etc all because they're so close in age. It also meant we could get to the fun stage of doing awesome things with them without having to worry that we would have to go through the newborn phase again, like camping, bike riding etc. We had a surprise third with a bigger age gap and quite honestly I hate the gap between the two eldest and the youngest. The longer you leave it the harder it is to go through the baby phase again and I'm struggling to do things with the older two, at a time when they need it more, because I'm juggling a baby at the same time.

Everyone is different though and you need to figure out what's best for you and your family with all the information to hand. If you think there's a chance you might regret it please do see if you can find some kind of counseling first because I don't want you to go what I have, and if you do go ahead then please don't worry, you will cope far better than you think. There are so many benefits to having two close in age, just go have a look at the many threads on here discussing the 'perfect' age gap. That might help you think it through thoroughly so you can be confident in your decision. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would do the same OP.
The gap is too small and I wouldn’t feel like I could give each baby the love and attention they deserve.

Give yourself another week to think about it. If your plan is to have another child one day then getting all the hard work over and done with in one go won't be so bad when you can reap the rewards later on. You won't regret your second child but you might regret the abortion.

I don’t regret my termination one bit, and it’s not even something I really think about. If you’re sure then absolutely go for it.

What I would say is that you might find getting all he baby stuff out of the way in one go is actually not a bad thing. I found out I was pregnant with DC2 when DS was 16 months. I hadn’t planned to have another one until he was about 4. We decided to go with the flow though and actually I’m now quite glad I’ll be done with having babies before I’m 30, and in a few years time I’ll be able to put the baby and toddler years behind me (turns out I am not a fan).

There’s 13mths between my children. It was exhausting and overwhelming at times, but I decided if I was going to be sick from morning sickness again, constantly changing nappies and having milk stains on my jumpers I’d get it over with quickly. I really admire people who have bigger gaps as they are the people who can do school run, nursery drop off and have a newborn whereas we thought we’d had a good day if we were all showered, bathed and back in clean pyjamas. They are also the people who can meet the needs of say a 13yr old and a 9yr old - normal to most people I know - but again we did the baby stage, then toddler stage then school super quick (one academic year apart) and so I never felt I was meeting the needs of different stages children. This is just a different perspective - the most important thing is for you to do what is right for you and your family. If ending the pregnancy is what is right for you then I totally respect that decision as I appreciate everything I’ve said might be not for you at this moment. The decision you make will be the one that’s best for you. Wishing you well.

Another perspective to think about is the strain on your body having another pregnancy quite so soon. I was under the impression that a gap of less than about 18 months/ 2 years is very tough on your body. I think in your situation I would be considering a termination too - as others have said it’s really not a baby yet, just some cells, and you have to look after the people who are already here, especially you! Sending hugs x

Of course you will feel guilty, it's a normal reaction, but you will be able to balance that with the good that comes out of your action. Your body isn't ready yet for another pregnancy. Mentally you're not ready, and you will have the difficulty of caring for a very active toddler and a tiring pregnancy. I'm not sure of the impact on work and finances, but these are also things you need to take into account.

Human emotions are very complex, especially around pregnancy. You need to make the right decision for you and just come to terms with the inevitable negative feelings. The important thing is to own your decision and not dwell on the negatives. Not everyone who terminates drowns in feelings of guilt and regret. The vast majority know they've done the right thing for themselves and their family

I'm 8 months pregnant and I have a 12 month old, so I'm on track to have a 13 month age gap.

Physically it's been hard on my body because I run after DS all day, and my stomach muscles didn't reattach after birth so I think I will have issues there (can already feel a hernia).

But like the other poster said I'm glad I will get the baby stage all over with in one sweep, as we only plan to have 2 children. DS still isn't the best sleeper so maybe it helps that I've not got used to a proper night sleep yet and going back to square 1 with a newborn.

I can see both sides for your decision and I did a lot of thinking about it myself before deciding I would continue with this one.

Don't rush your decision op. I have had 2 terminations (one whilst I was very young and one whilst I was very ill) and seriously considered terminating 2 other pregnancies for financial and coping reasons including my current one (I'm 37 weeks, this is my 5th baby). I even booked the termination for my now 5 year old and it took a lot of persuasion from my husband that we would manage and it would be fine. 2 of my children are very close together indeed and whilst the baby stage is very difficult you are also in the swing of things and mine have a very close bond. I'm not anti abortion at all but when you have a surprise pregnancy I do think it is possible to have a knee jerk reaction because it is not what you planned. I very much regret the termination I had whilst married and my husband and I both feel that we are missing a child even though it would have been very difficult for me to have carried that child. I don't regret the one from my youth though. It is a very personal decision and no one can advise you but do take the time to think it through properly. I hope this doesn't come across as righteous- it's really not meant to and ultimately whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

I'm sorry to hear you are facing such a tough decision.

I haven't had a termination in those circumstances, but I did when I was in my mid-20s and not in a stable relationship and wasn't ready. It was the best decision for me at the time, and I don't regret it. I felt low for a few weeks, and of course think about it from time to time. But being so certain it was the fright thing, made me never look back.

I now have a 22 MO and am 5 months pregnant. I really struggled to conceive my first due to endometriosis, and at one point I really thought I wouldn't have a child. And I can honestly say, that the termination never entered my head as a regret.

Of course, you should 100% do what feels right for you, and your family.

I was in your situation last year. My baby was 4 months old when I found out I was pregnant. My head was such a mess and I didn't know what to do or how I would cope!
Well fast forward to this year I now have a 12 week old and a 15 month old. Their is a year and 10 days between my 2 girls.
It really isn't as hard as I thought it would be, don't get me wrong some days are tough but it's all worth it and we're all doing just fine. Both my babies get the love and attention they need.
I'm so glad I didn't terminate and I can't wait to see them grow up together.

Good luck in whatever you decide xx

Dd is 7m and if i was in the same situation, i would probably be making the same decision and thats nothing to feel guilty about. Theres a 6yr gap between dd and ds and 2 very close in age would be my worst nightmare. You know whats right for you and that decision is a very hard one to make either way

I have had an abortion in the past, it made me sad in many ways, I am very glad I did it though.

It's not my only unplanned pregnancy and I made a different choice another time, but the point is, I made my choice. You do what is right for you. Your wellbeing matters. Physically, emotionally, mentally- it matters. You matter.

People will come out with utter crap masquerading as concern for your emotional wellbeing. Please try to ignore them. If you have to regret something, it is better to regret an abortion than to regret a child, and anyone who says it is not possible to regret a child is either wilfully ignorant or a liar. And no one says you have to regret anything. Abortion is a perfectly valid choice and nothing to feel guilty about.

Yes it will be tough, but it,s not unusual and the children may end up being better pals being close together. 15 months is not an unusual age gap. (Thinking about your dates and when baby will be born.)

I had a termination when I was 20 (so five nearly six years ago now) they were different reasons to you but I've never regretted my decision, I had to
do what was best for me and so you should, if you don't think it's the right time to have a baby then no one should force you too, you're very early on like I was so the procedure isn't too traumatic, it's like having a period (a bit worse) do what's best for you and your family, much love xx

If you do plan to have another baby in future, think about how you would feel if it didn’t happen and you’d had a termination now. No judgement here, just trying to point out all considerations. My two are less than two years apart and yes it’s hard but only for a short time and there are lots of advantages of two close in age. Mine are 3.5 and 20 months now and the fog is lifting and I’m so excited for the next phase of our family life. I couldn’t begin to imagine going back to pregnancy and an newborn once I have one almost in school. Different things work for different families though. But personally I do feel there’s a big difference between terminating a teen pregnancy, for example, and a poorly timed one conceived within a happy marriage when another baby is planned at some point. The main difference being I think you are far, far more likely to regret the latter so just think hard and be 100% sure. Take all the counselling you can get. And remember also that there are 8 months between now and the baby being born, so things for you and your Dd will look quite different by then.

I really don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to dissuade you, just pointing out some things that spring to mind. Good luck whatever you decide.

I fell pregnant with DS when DD was 5 months old...I had all the same emotions that have been talked about here.
The first year was tough but they are best friends and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have been TTC a third child for the past 8 years and nothing,zero, nada! I am about to turn 46 so let's face it it's not happening!
If I'd decided to not have my son and then suffered secondary infertility it doesn't bear thinking about.....

My two younger daughters are 14 months apart - they are very different people, but have always been tremendously close as sisters - you need to do what’s right for you, but do give it plenty of thought.

I would keep the baby.
You could regret the termination for the rest of your life.
Please don’t do anything quickly, take your time to decide what is best for YOU.

I was in the same situation with the same gap. It was a terrible shock and my first reaction was complete distress. My partner was also horrified- worried about me, our family etc.

I am now 25 weeks and we are both feeling really happy about the pregnancy and excited about the new baby. Of course there will be challenges to having two so small together (we have had have 2 under 2 before so we know!) but we are feel up to those challenges now and are also excited about the positives - like “getting the baby stage out of the way” and having siblings close in age, playing together etc.

Also, I would say that if your 7mo is your first child, it can be really hard to imagine loving a second as much/having time for it etc. You never have the undivided attention that you can give the first one again whatever gap you have, but you will love any further children and there are benefits to being a 2nd child too, like the fact that you are a more experienced parent, they have a sibling to play with/talk to them etc.

You must obviously make the decision that is right for you of course, and you have your own unique situation that is not the same as mine or anyone else’s, but I am just saying that my personal shocked reaction when I was first in that situation has changed completely.