Booked for an abortion tomorrow but freaking out!

[jazz12318]

I found out I was pregnant on Friday despite taking the morning after pill after an incident with a broken condom and have booked in to have an abortion tomorrow. Although in my mind I know it’s the right decision my heart is torn & I feel incredibly guilty and sad about the whole situation & am now panicking about tomorrow. I’m 27 and my boyfriend of over 2 years is 29. We are in the happiest most loving relationship. Although unplanned he was happy about the pregnancy as he has always been vocal about wanting to start a family earlier rather than later and so, although he is supporting me, he said he wants to keep it. The problem is he is a lot more secure in life than me. He has recently purchased his first home & works for his dad in a successful line of business so is financially stable for the most part (he has a few debts). He’s also been married before. I on the other hand have just finished university & have no money whatsoever, I’m in debt & have no job prospects given the current climate. I live between my mums & his so I don’t feel truly ‘settled’. I always said I wanted to get married, get a job, be a bit more financially stable & move into a house together (his current property is a flat) before having children. I also wanted to wait a few years as I have suffered with anxiety since being a teenager and feel I’ve missed out on a lot of life as I was isolated by myself for many years and so I’m worried about giving up my freedom, especially since I have such a strong desire to travel. Given my anxiety I am also terrified about keeping it and being pregnant/giving birth during a pandemic. I worry there’ll be a lack of support both medically and from family if we have to isolate again. I worry about a second wave & giving birth alone if nobody is allowed into the delivery suite. But now the time has come for my appointment I’m worried if I’ll regret it or feel guilty about it for the rest of my life. Equally, if I kept it I’m worried that I would be resentful of missing out on things. I just don’t know what to do I’ve been so up and down & emotional since finding out. Deep down I feel like keeping it would be very difficult and stressful for me right now but I just can’t stop feeling badly and thinking about the ‘what ifs’. What if everything was ok & we have end up with something so special? I don’t really know why I’m writing this, I know ultimately it’s my decision and nobody can advise me but despite discussing it with my boyfriend I feel quite alone and feel like I need a different perspective other than his but I don’t want to tell anyone close to me through fear of causing unnecessary upset. I just don’t know what to do for the best.

@argueifnecessary

You will ultimately have to make the decision but I just wanted to say I was in a very similar situation at the same age except my boyfriend was also unemployed. I had also just graduated and hadn't started working yet. We had to move in with my mother-in-law and sleep on a mattress in a spare room all through my pregnancy. It was a bit grim but we had a wonderful little daughter and now, 5 years later we have another baby and my now DH has a very good job. So it can work out. Good luck with everything whatever you decide to do.

Wow! I definitely wouldn’t have managed well in that situation I worry too much! I’m glad everything worked out for you thank you for sharing this

Hi, I’m another who says that if you are unsure there’s no harm in postponing tomorrow’s appointment to give yourself more time to consider.

Remember, there’s no right or wrong answer - you just need to make the decision that’s right for you

Why has he not asked you to marry him ,and asked you to move in his house permanently
Would you want to keep the baby if you got married ASAP and moved in with him ?
If so have a chat and discuss before tomorrow

Maybe you should take a bit more time before you make your decision. It's such a tough one, and it's made even tougher by thinking you have to have it all worked out by tomorrow. A surgical abortion is not bad at all, and if it's gives you a bit more head space to come to terms with your decision (whatever that may be) then perhaps it's a course of action worth considering.

No one can tell you what to do, and no one can read the future. But you do have options, and it doesn't have to be either terminate or do it your BFs way. You could do it your way too.. you don't have to move, nothing has to be done with any sense of urgency.

Good luck, I hope you find a way to feel at peace with the difficult situation you're facing.

I had children really young ,and now they are grown up I’m having lots of time to do what I please ,while my friends still have children in school .
I still did all the things I wanted to do ,I just took the small people along with me

Only you can decide but just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation but I was 20. It was scary and I obviously wasn’t ready financially or mentally if I’m honest but everything worked out for the best. We are still together with our now 13 & 10 year old and we own a beautiful house and have travelled to so many amazing places with our children they are so lucky! We have also made sure we have had weekend breaks away without the children just for us. Just wanted to let you know you don’t have to stop living or having fun when you have children.
Hope everything goes well for you whatever you decide x

It doesn't seem like you are sure enough of your decision to go ahead tomorrow. I agree with those suggesting to postpone tomorrow and take more time to think things over. All the best with however it goes OP.

Ok here’s how I make decisions. It’s a bit more than a pros and cons list. It helps to separate out all the different types of thoughts

Get a pen and paper. Draw a table 2 columns wide and 6 rows.

Column on left is: Abortion tomorrow.
Column on right is: Continue pregnancy

Do one colume at a time.
First tie you just write facts. So say you started with left column you’d write down the facts about choosing the abortion. No emotion cold facts.
So cost of appointment. Chance of success.
If you were doing the continuing pregnancy column you’d write facts about finances, living situation, maternity leave etc

Second row: You write you feelings. No facts. Just what does your heart say about making that choice? If you flipped a coin what would you be hoping it said?

Third row you write down all the positives that of this decision.

Forth row: write down all potential negatives.

Fifth row write opportunities for growth that could come out of it.

Last row; read through all the rows and summarise way forward.

You could also do sane exercise with other column headings. E.g delay abortion for a week. What are facts, feelings, positives, negatives and potential growth for that.

Or you could consider other ideas like giving baby up for adoption. Not saying you should but it’s good to consider all options even if only to rule them out.

Once you’ve gone through sorting out your thoughts you should find it easier to see the best way forward for you more clearly.

Sorry about all the typos. It’s late and I’m on my phone.
Write it all down.
Did the clinic offer any counselling?

Op, I could have wrote your post. I was in this situation post uni and similar boyfriend set up. I chose to have the baby. We ve been married many years now and very happy. It's the best decision I made. We made it work somehow, we sorted the house set up. I too desired the whole young, free and travel. We did some travel bits, weekends away on our own, hols to unusual places as a family. We even worked things out to take a year travelling as a family. Such amazing memories, just a different gap year, and I wouldn't have had it any other way looking back!

Your worries about pregnancy and delivery during Covid, my friend has just had her baby and the hospital and midwife was super geared up and it all went really well.

There is also adoption as an option?

Much love.

I read part of the thread and picked up your concerns.

When I was younger I didn't get just how amazing it is to have a really happy relationship with a guy who is sorted financially and has good career prospects and wants to build a solid life for us.

You have all this - trust me, it's amazing to have that. It's a dream.

You are worried that you'll regret having the baby as you'll lose some 'freedom'. Omg. I know it's not fashionable on here to say don't have an abortion, but I really really think you shouldn't. You've come here for advice as you haven't been through this before. I have. I was just 22. I too thought my life would be somehow compromised if I went ahead with having the baby. But I was so wrong. Nothing, and I mean nothing, on Earth could have prepared me for the grief, and regret (and PTSD), of going through with the abortion.

It ruined my life, in a way I don't believe having the baby could possibly have done.

Don't think about now - think about the future. When you're 30,40, 50, 60, 70, 80. When you watch your other babies grow up (if you have them). When you're pregnant and track the pregnancy through the weeks, always thinking in the back of your mind about your first child.

People jump into abortions because they think money or job or the right house is too hard to sort. These things are sooooo easy. Getting your child back if and when the regret hits you? Impossible.

You have everything. Have the guy. Have the love. Have the stability. How do you think you and him will cope with the grief? You won't have your child, and this grief will spoil your lives.

You can never go back to the life and options you had before getting pregnant. Even if you have the abortion, it won't ever go away in your mind. Your life will be changed, is changed, forever.

So in my humble opinion, better to have the life you have enhanced by the joy and live of your first child, than to have it overcast with grief and the most painful, devastating regret.

And I haven't even touched the physical reality of how they actually get rid of the pregnancy.

Some will attack me for saying all this, but I'm telling you the truth, as I've lived it, felt it, and known it. The least we can do here is tell you out truths.

Given what you've said, I think abortion would be a terrible choice and ruin your life.

Some will

See how happy Ragtaggirl is? Would you rather feel like her, or me? 😥😞

Sorry for typos.

Meant have your life plus the joy and LOVE of your first child 💕

In your situation, I would not go ahead with the termination.

@jazz12318 how are you feeling today? Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide.

@mellowww I'm sorry you're suffering so much. Have you looked into counselling? I think you need to find a way to forgive yourself.

'Don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance, and so are everybody else's.'

• Baz Luhrmann

Did u make a decision

It sounds like you would want to go ahead with the pregnancy if only you were in a stronger financial situation. Could you arrange a quick registry office wedding (maybe have a big church blessing and family party at a later date) and this will give you the financial protection you need of your partner's assets then being marital assets which you'd be entitled to a share of in case of a divorce to help with the costs of having the child?

OP, wishing you all the best. I hope you get all the support you need to make your decision. Do remember that you can ask about independent counselling and it might be beneficial to postpone the abortion for a short time to think things through with a professional counsellor.

Hi everyone, I wanted to thank you all for your replies they have really helped hearing from other people’s experiences & helped me to not feel so alone in all this, I can’t thank you all enough. I ended up going to my appointment today as I knew they would be giving me a scan first so I was in the mindset that I would at least get the scan then I could always ask for more time to decide/ask to speak to a counsellor if I was still unsure on what to do. They scanned my stomach however they couldn’t find anything for a while at first & were concerned I may have an ectopic pregnancy. Of course this made my anxiety skyrocket! I had to take another pregnancy test (my 4th!) which was also a very faint positive so they offered me the option to have a vaginal scan or come back in a weeks time & to go to A&E if I experienced any ectopic pregnancy symptoms in the meantime. Needless to say I opted for the vaginal scan! After a while of searching they finally got visual confirmation & it turns out I’m only 4 weeks not almost 8 weeks as I was told on the phone. I think this is due to the fact I have irregular periods & so probably ovulated later. Knowing I’m only 4 weeks has provided some relief in the fact that I can now take a bit more time to decide and if I do decide to go ahead I feel a bit more relief at being so early on in the pregnancy (I think a lot of my upset came from the fact I was envisioning a tiny, almost formed baby). I would never wish to be in this situation & it’s still a difficult decision regardless of how far along I am but I feel it’s a bit easier to think of the pregnancy of still ‘a bunch of cells’ - is this terrible of me?

Hello. Oh dear, what a day. Of course it's not terrible to think of things that way, you do whatever works for you. Did you manage to perhaps sort any counselling out or is that not available to you?

I have no regrets, I feel sadness and loss but can separate that. You can’t live your life based on if, what and but. You’re not sure NOW. You don’t know how you’ll feel a year or three years from now. Do what is right for you NOW. If this situation can work for you now then that’s wonderful, if not you’re in a lucky enough position to have choice.

My experience is my own and I knew it wasn’t right for me at that point in my life. I look at my family now and believe with all my heart this is where I was meant to be. I’ve had many miscarriages and wondered if I was being punished but the rational part of me knew it wasn’t the case. They ripped me apart but I now think that the right ones came along, at the right time.

I hope you do the best for you, and that you feel as I do either way in the future.

It’s absolutely fine to think of it as a bunch of cells. That’s what it is at this stage. It must be such a relief to have a bit of breathing space.
I’d recommend speaking to a counsellor if you can. Marie Stopes should be able to provide that option.

It is not terrible not at all.
X

It's not terrible at all, and I'm glad you've been given more time to make a decision. I hope you find clarity. Please be gentle with yourself xx