4-5 weeks pregnant partner demands termination

[tara35]

Hi everyone, I have discovered about 10 days ago that I'm pregnant. This would be my 3rd, I have a 3 and 5 year old. It happened very unexpectedly, I was taking the mini pill so when I started feeling a little "off", I only took a preg test for the hell of it not expecting a pos line. I'm 35 love being a mum and in a long term relationship with the father of my children. I told him as soon as I found out and wish I never had. He has been adamant that I terminate the pregnancy. I let it sink for last few days but he hasn't changed his mind at all and I am really torn. I feel like everything has already changed, I don't really want to terminate but if I won't, I worry he will resent me for it. Equally, I feel that if I terminate, I will resent him for it. His reasons are valid and I do understand. He is an older dad and doesn't want anymore children, it wouldn't fit into our current plans for the future. I know I could make it work but he doesn't want to hear about it. So right now I feel pretty upset, he's really drilling it in how he does not want me to carry on the pregnancy and brings up all sorts of things from his previous marriage ect. which makes me even more upset and angry. I told him I don't think I could go through with having a termination and he asked me why, it's a simple procedure and afterwards I will forget about it.
I realize that legally it is my decision but I do sometimes wonder why I am making a big deal about this? Why can't I just have a termination and be over and done with it? I wasn't expecting to get pregnant but yet, now that I know, I just can't bear to think about going through with it. Thinking about my children and my family, I probably will although I don't want to. Everything in me tells me I don't want to. I have spent most of today devastated, trying to prepare myself and say goodbye to my baby. I feel guilty, sad, angry and I know that I won't just forget about it. I know it will stay with me forever. I feel so hopeless and so envious of everyone who is enjoying their pregnancy. Things already feel different and a part of me already resents him.

I am completely pro choice but it is not a simple procedure which you forget about afterwards unless you, the person undergoing the procedure, judge it to be so. For many women it is a very emotionally difficult procedure which they remember for the rest of their lives. If you want to keep this baby having a termination will be incredibly traumatic for you.

He is behaving really badly, almost trying to bully you into doing things this way and grossly minimizing the impact this could have on you.

How are today OP?

@AnotherBoredOne thank you for asking... I'm hanging in there, constantly thinking...

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously I work freelance between 15 and 20 hours around the children, mostly when they're at school. So while I have some income, it's nowhere near enough to support myself and children. I would work full-time if I was on my own. I've tried to point out that it matters a lot to me and he thinks I'm only turning it into a big deal when really it isn't. His reasoning is that I took the pill, ergo didn't want to get pregnant so it shouldn't upset me and be an easy decision to make.

@WhenPushComesToShove I'm really sorry you had to go through something like this... it's a horrible situation to find yourself in, especially when it should be a happy time in your life.

@Soontobe60 it's been a back and forth in my mind, constantly. Because I do feel very guilty for wanting to carry on this pregnancy, forcing it upon someone who doesn't want it and he really is a great father. It weighs heavily on me that I would almost condemn him to another 18, 19, 20 or more years of caring for a child until he or she leaves home. And he is right when he says he wouldn't have a retirement and I know it's not fair at all. I find myself second guessing my reasons and think, am I just being too dramatic? Why can't I just to it and be over with... and tbh, I can't find a rock solid reason. It's not really reasoning either, it's just how it makes me feel the thought of having a termination against the potential of having a baby and how each would affect me for the rest of my life. My first reaction or instinct to finding out wasn't get rid of it. So it's difficult to even explain why it means a lot to me to someone else I guess.

@Cattenberg I just keep thinking if I didn't tell him straight away and waited, he would have reacted differently. I know that makes me sound horribly deceiving now. Just because he is totally against later term abortions. I feel almost as though I have sentenced this baby to die by telling him straight away.
I will reach out to BPAS for sure and see what they say. I guess no treatment would be sent out unless I consent to it.

@Booboostwo I never would have imagined to find myself contemplating a termination and I know I won't be able to shake it off. I would never judge anyone choosing a termination, I very much believe in pro choice but I can't find it in me. I don't know, I just don't see it as a bit of tissue even though I guess that is what it is very early on.

again, thanks everyone for your input x

No, you didn’t sound deceiving. I meant I found it worrying that his reaction made you regret telling him.