4-5 weeks pregnant partner demands termination

[tara35]

Hi everyone, I have discovered about 10 days ago that I'm pregnant. This would be my 3rd, I have a 3 and 5 year old. It happened very unexpectedly, I was taking the mini pill so when I started feeling a little "off", I only took a preg test for the hell of it not expecting a pos line. I'm 35 love being a mum and in a long term relationship with the father of my children. I told him as soon as I found out and wish I never had. He has been adamant that I terminate the pregnancy. I let it sink for last few days but he hasn't changed his mind at all and I am really torn. I feel like everything has already changed, I don't really want to terminate but if I won't, I worry he will resent me for it. Equally, I feel that if I terminate, I will resent him for it. His reasons are valid and I do understand. He is an older dad and doesn't want anymore children, it wouldn't fit into our current plans for the future. I know I could make it work but he doesn't want to hear about it. So right now I feel pretty upset, he's really drilling it in how he does not want me to carry on the pregnancy and brings up all sorts of things from his previous marriage ect. which makes me even more upset and angry. I told him I don't think I could go through with having a termination and he asked me why, it's a simple procedure and afterwards I will forget about it.
I realize that legally it is my decision but I do sometimes wonder why I am making a big deal about this? Why can't I just have a termination and be over and done with it? I wasn't expecting to get pregnant but yet, now that I know, I just can't bear to think about going through with it. Thinking about my children and my family, I probably will although I don't want to. Everything in me tells me I don't want to. I have spent most of today devastated, trying to prepare myself and say goodbye to my baby. I feel guilty, sad, angry and I know that I won't just forget about it. I know it will stay with me forever. I feel so hopeless and so envious of everyone who is enjoying their pregnancy. Things already feel different and a part of me already resents him.

How much older is an older dad? Financially can you afford it? I don’t understand why he’s being so hard on you?

Ultimately, your body, your choice. But I totally understand it’s not easy. My sisters DH threatened to leave her if she didn’t terminate their first (she didn’t and he didn’t leave). A surprise pregnancy can bring up really strong emotions.

Try to be kind to yourself/ your OH and give it some time? Maybe don’t try to convince him, just drop the subject for a few days. It’s early days in the pregnancy yet.

He just turned 50, there’s 15 years between us. He has a teenager from previous marriage who lives with us. Financially it would not be an issue. We have / had plans to change our work, namely build our own business in the near future. He basically told me he feels too old, doesn’t want another child because of it, wants the whole baby thing to be done with and would resent the baby if something were to happen to him like having a health issue. He’s not unhealthy but has let himself go in the past few years and had a couple of heart scares, which turned out to be nothing. I don’t think he would leave but I know things would be different. I feel betrayed and guilty at feeling this way because I do understand. I was surprised to find out but not in a this is worst possible thing kind of way and his reaction has completely thrown me. He was very happy with previous 2 and while not exactly ideal, I expected it to be similar this time but now wish I hadn’t even said anything but then I would have felt even more guilty. He is a fantastic dad, I couldn’t fault him but this time there seems to be no way he will change his mind. I don’t try to convince if I say anything he just gets more adamant and angry.
Thank you foR your response, I don’t really have anyone to talk to. We don’t have any family close by either so feel very alone in this

Hi, I have four amazing boys and I wouldn’t be without them for the world. You’re a mummy now and terminating you’re child is not something that will feel right. I understand that he doesn’t want anymore children but he needs to understand that even on the pill or using contraception, babies can come along. He really needs a bit of sex education and it goes like this; sex equals babies! And no matter how much protection you both take, it doesn’t always work. So, if both of you don’t want children after this I baby, he needs to have the snip, simple! If he threatens to leave, show him the door. If he is a great dad, then he’ll be to this baby too. Just because things didn’t work out for him with his ex doesn’t mean you and your family have to pay the price. That’s in the past and the here and now is what matters.
You love your children and that’s all that matters, everything else is white noise. Don’t be bullied into doing something that feels instinctively wrong especially when it’s your maternal instincts. Best of luck my lovely. X

Why on earth didn't he have the snip years ago? It's a simple procedure, and afterwards he would have forgotten about it.

My OH bullied me into a termination and it changed our relationship forever. I see him differently now for his bullying, selfishness and lack of consideration for me. My advice would be to listen to your instincts and do what YOU feel is right for YOU. Good luck OP

Thank you all for your replies.
I feel exactly the same way already. I feel like this has already changed things. I don’t think he would leave but there would be resentment and anger. I would be the one to leave, we are living in his house. He doesn’t understand why I can’t just get it over and done with. He has a lot of resentment and hatred towards the ex, bitter custody battle and other reasons I completely understand. He told me He is happy now but if I went through with the pregnancy, he would feel like back to square one.
He’s been asking me nearly everyday since finding out, what are we going to do.... but he doesn’t really ask me. He wants me to just agree the sooner the better.
We have never discussed the snip. We don’t have sex that often and either use condoms or now the pill. The biggest issue for him is his age and I don’t want to just disregard his feelings. But like you said, it feels wrong to me. I don’t see it as this horrible thing that has happened. I haven’t contacted anyone yet about this pregnancy, GP etc.. don’t have a clue what my next step should be.

The mini pill is notorious for being unreliable he should be using a condom regardless

I cannot feel sympathy for a man who wont bear responsibility

Can you live with termination? Can you live with how its changed between you both

As I was very ill both pregnancies, my husband had a vasectomy. We both knew I would never abort if I got pregnant again. It was done at a local doctors.

I would want to pack my kids up and go just yo get some space from it all and think without him pressuring you

You will need to be strong and hold out against him if you want the baby, and it sounds as if you do. He's not happy about it, obviously, but once he sees that you are going to do it, it's his decision then to make about what he's doing. Don't let him bully you into doing something you don't want to do, you make your decision about the baby.

It sounds like your relationship is over either way. You keep the baby, he leaves or is an arse. You abort, you resent him and the trust is gone.
So then you need to decide what's best for you not just practically but also emotionally. 3 children on your own or your existing 2 on your own.
That's the choice you need to make, he's now irrelevant due to his behaviour.

Everything seems stacked in his favour - he owns the house, he thinks he has a right to dictate what you do with your body, he has never considered vasectomy even though he doesn't want more children.
I think there is an imbalance of power here that you need to address.

An abortion isn't 'nothing' for many people - it isn't a small medical procedure of no consequence and it isn't something you just do in order to fix a problem. This is a potential baby growing inside your body and what matters most is how you feel about it. In this instance his opinion is secondary. I don't like that he is subjecting you to pressure - it comes across as abusive.

Unfortunately whatever happens now, the feeling about this relationship has changed. I don't think you should move out - is he your husband? If so that's your house too, even if your name is not on the deeds. If you aren't married then I think you need to get some legal advice about your rights because I can't see this relationship lasting regardless of what you do wrt the pg.

I'd certainly be telling him that if he wants no more kids then he needs to sort the vasectomy and not pass responsibility onto you and then complain if contraception fails.
I think you have to do what you can live with but in your shoes I couldn't terminate a pg unless I was totally certain that I didn't want the baby. I'd rather lose the man.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to. We don’t have any family close by either so feel very alone in this

Could you speak to a counsellor? BPAS offer pregnancy options counselling. You can talk to them face-to-face or by phone. I think you need space to think and talk about this away from your partner.

Do not let him force you into anything. This is a very big decision and if you feel a termination is not the right decision for you, then don't do it.

I told him I don't think I could go through with having a termination and he asked me why, it's a simple procedure and afterwards I will forget about it.

This proves he has no idea what he is talking about, and sounds as if you won't have much support from him if you do go through with it because he will just expect you to get over it xx

Don't let him demand anything. Don't let him bully you.
Resentment will happen if you terminate and I don't think your relationship would recover.
Let's hope a few days/weeks and he will come around.

You poor thing OP, you must feel so upset. I can see both sides, and I agree whatever decision you make will change things between you, do what’s right for you, don’t be pressured you need time to think.

Thank you all for your nice messages Andy input. We’ve been together for about 8 years, not married he absolutely didn’t want to due to his ex and I never pushed for marriage. I’m just so taken aback by his reaction, I really wish I had not said anything... but that would have only delayed it. I will phone up BPAS and just see what they say.
I don’t think he will change his mind or come around, I was hoping that would happen but he seems more adamant especially since finding out that you can have the abortion pills sent to your home. Now he wants me to do that.

Sorry OP.

I agree, it is your choice.

What conversations did you have before? Did he want to have more children before he met you? Did he have children with you because he loved you and knew it was the only way to be with you as a much younger partner with no kids? Could he be in shock about it and just need time?

It is a huge thing to think of becoming elderly whilst still having responsibilities you thought would be long gone/ changed. For instance, if he married and became a dad at 25 his retirement would be so so different to a dad at 50. Having a 50 year age gap means this baby could well not have long to know their dad before dementia hits etc or go through many milestones with you and not their dad.

I'm not trying to make you feel any particular way, just thinking aloud really in case it helps to talk some of this through and understand each other.

He sounds horrible. Definitely got everything set up to suit himself hasn't he? You are good enough to live with and have 2 children with, but not be offered the security of marriage. He's stacked all the odds in his favour and we'll and truly screwed you over.

Can you afford to move out Tara? I think this relationship is done. He's treating the idea of abortion pills like it's as easy as taking a bloody tic tac!

There are 15 years of an age gap between us. I’m 35, he’s just turned 50. Been together for about 8 years and we have a 5 and 3 year old. We both wanted children, he already had a child from previous marriage and went through difficult divorce / custody battle and ended up not seeing his child for several years due to the mother being very difficult. He was about 42 when we met and very happy when I fell pregnant. Equally very happy with 2nd child at 46. His child from previous marriage then also decided to live with us. We honestly never specifically discussed not having anymore children I think we both just considered the family to be complete. I’ve had issue with endometriosis after having my 2nd and subsequently also had an ovary removed. I was recommended the mirena coil recently but haven’t been able to have it fitted. So GP gave me the mini pill, desogestrel in the meantime. I took it before for a period of about six months last year. Then stopped, used condoms for a while and then recently was recommended the coil. I should also say that I routinely monitor ovulation with ovulation tests to be on the safe side and I didn’t read a spike. My periods have pretty much gone i only ever so often have spotting so i am only estimating gestation. I have religiously been taking the pill and really never expected this. Initially thought pregnancy test line was an evaporation line after reading up online. Re-tested a couple days later and it was a bright solid positive. Like an idiot I told him straight away, which I really regret now. Even though I didn’t plan this to happen, I feel like it has against all odds and I personally don’t like the idea of abortions and cannot NOT think of it as life. And here I am in this predicament. He did want more children before / when we met but he is also a person who is very decisive about things. Prior to meeting me, he was dating another lady who already had a child from previous relationship and he told me that he couldn’t get serious with her because he had no interest in her child. That again was I guess down to his own experience with ex wife bringing a child into marriage and that relationship with step child also turned completely sour.
He is talking about retirement at 65 ish and hates the idea of then having a teenage child. Basically it getting in the way of enjoying life and he possibly resenting it for it. I can understand his feelings about this but at the same time I will be 15 years younger and can see myself with a teenage child. I do have times where I feel selfish for wanting this baby.. .

You are not selfish. It's not like you deliberately set out to get Pg and deceived him. He's not being at all fair here. I think you have to spell it out for him - everything you are thinking and feeling. Ultimately this is not his decision and he needs to see things from your pov too instead of sticking his fingers in his ears and going la la la until you give in! You must stress how big a deal this is to you. It seems like you are paying a lot for his previous bad marriage,which is very unfair and is leaving you vulnerable on all fronts.
Do you have a job and therefore an independent income?

I got 'worn down' like your OH is trying to do to you and in the end I couldn't stand the pressure and thought I'd be on my own with 3 whereas if I just had the op as my OH wanted, it would all be over and I wouldn't be spoiling the lives of my other 2 who would have to go without because I was being so selfish according to OH. My sadness following the op was overwhelming and it took years before I could talk about it without crying.

Because of my previously mentioned regrets (earlier post) I did say to a friend in a similar position, please do what feels right for you. She had her baby and he is now the apple of his ageing father's eye. Your body, your choice - dont let him bully you.

You're not being selfish, it neither is he. You want this pregnancy to continue, he doesn't. We can all say that it takes two and if he hadn't have wanted another child he should have had a vasectomy to be certain, but that's not at all helpful in your situation.
You need to tell him to back off constantly going on about it because you need time to make your own decision. Once you've decided what to do, just tell him. If you continue with the pregnancy he may well leave, and that is his right. TBH, my DH wouldn't have wanted a child at 50 either!
You'll get quite opppsite opinions on this, some posters will be vehemently against abortion for any reason, some will tell you that he wontbreally leave you once he sees his baby, some will say that he's a total bastard for not wanting this pregnancy to continue. The only truthful thing is that it's totally your choice.

With regards to him retiring, if this pregnancy continues, he could potentially be 72 by the time the potential child leaves university and becomes financially independent.

I’m concerned that if you had the abortion pills sent to your home, your partner might keep pressuring you to take them in front of him. And no one should be put in that position.

Like an idiot I told him straight away, which I really regret now.

This sentence jumped out at me for some reason. I think it’s worrying that your partner isn’t trying to understand your point of view and is dismissing your feelings, pressuring you and getting angry. He has valid reasons for not wanting another child, but your reasons for not wanting a termination are perfectly valid too.

I hope you get good counselling and support from BPAS. Their counselling is supposed to be impartial, so it should give you a safe space to explore your options.