I want the baby but partner doesn't

[dontthinksoman]

I've posted on miscarriage as I'm not sure if the baby is viable or not but I just needed to talk this through.

I've only been with my partner since February- we are stable and live together and discussed babies but decided it's not yet the right time.

Last week, after experiencing sickness and other symptoms we did a test together and found I was pregnant.

Long story short- he doesn't want the baby yet but I do. He asked me to book a termination which I did for him, thinking I could always cancel.

He has said he is sorry he just can't do it. I don't feel strong enough to be a single parent. And now I've probably lost the baby.

I have to decide how I feel about my partner now too. And really try not to be angry or think he's glad.

At the TOP clinic you will have the chance to talk. The legal form can only be signed if the Dr thinks you are not being coerced.

Personally I would say your relationship is over and do what you feel is best taking into account this may be your last chance.

You both need to realistic that in your 40s this is most likely your only chance to have a baby

This relationship sounds like it's over anyway. Have you thought about moving out of his house whilst you think this through? You've brought up children before so you can do it again. Don't let him push you into this if it's not what you want. It sounds like a termination isn't what you want. Spend some time on your own and figure out what you can do to make this work on your own. At his age he will never be ready for children. I think he only said he would think about it just to keep you quiet and happy. He's panicking now that it's really happening!

Whatever happens your relationship is over.

He's abusive to try and force you into a termination due not being able to deal with the consequences of his actions. He is a man of 40 not a boy of 17.

Please *do not" have a termination of you do not want one, as you may never fully mentally recover.
While no one wants to be a single parent people manage.

If this pregnancy continues please ensure you inform all your healthcare practitioners of his abusive nature. Make sure you ask for help from your family including your adult children, and stay away from him until well after the baby is born.

I am so grateful for the advice here. I'm feeling really sick already And having pregnancy symptoms.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that yes our relationship is probably over. He is refusing to make love to me now, he says he doesn't want to as he doesn't want a baby. I am switching between thinking about holding the baby in my arms and having a termination as it's the best thing to do.

I'm wondering if I book another appointment at the clinic I will be able to talk it through. My adult children are lovely, I don't want them involved though. I will be homeless if I leave him, I gave up everything for this man and put my trust in him.

Now he is being super nice to me in the hope that I will choose him over the baby.

I'm seeing the GP Friday so I'll come back and update.

I agree there's no going back from this it's just hard to let go as I really did adore this man and invested so much into him. His reasoning that it's not the right time, I don't know if I can get my head around that.

if you become homeless, then you will need to go to the council for emergency housing and deal with that then. Its up to you though. I didnt realise you already had adult children, which tbh, makes a difference imo. You should never be pressured into terminating a pregnancy against your will though. Termination is a valuable option to stop women from having to have babies they cant cope with. Its not a get out clause for a man to be able to have unprotected sex and then fuck with his partners head and coerce her into abortion.
He can choose to fuck off, but he cant choose what you do with your own body. Please dont forget that.

If you're in your 40s this is likely to be a last chance saloon if you want another child.

Your relationship is likely to be over irrespective of what decision you make - he shouldn't be forcing you, and if you go ahead with it your opinion of him will rightly change. If you don't, he's likely to leave you high and dry. To be honest, he doesn't sound like a great loss.

No man can force you to have a termination if you don't want to. You've not been together long, he committed into TTC-ing with you whether he's backtracked on it or not. He won't want children in future, he's in his 40s - he's telling you he doesn't want children.

If you feel you can cope on your own, proceed and be happy. Don't let this man sway your decision. And get checked out

What were you thinking making yourself so vulnerable to someone you've only been with 8 months?!

Did HE know you weren't using contraception regularly? Yes he has responsibility for his own fertility but if he believed you were properly taking responsibility for contraception I can understand a shocked response.

At your (BOTH of you) age you should know better than to approach contraception/family planning half heartedly/without proper discussion, which is what it sounds like has happened here

You're both far too old to have rushed into things so irresponsibly!

But yes at this point the damage to the relationship is now done, probably irrevocably. Either you keep the pregnancy and split because that's not what he wants or you terminate against your wishes which will most likely lead to you resenting him and you'll end up splitting anyway.

So do what feels right for you - BUT also for the baby given you're likely to become homeless keeping the pregnancy may not be in your or babies best interests. Do you work?

Can you move in with any of your adult children? At least temporarily?

This is such a mess!

You need to get information in real life about housing, income, health of pregnancy etc in order to make a sensible decision.

Don’t do anything that you don’t want to do OP, your options are really to terminate and stay with your partner or to keep the baby but be a single mum (based on what your partner has said). You have to make the decision on what is the best for you.

Is your partner in his forties too? Has he had children before? I’m not trying to give you false hope, but could it be the shock of finding out that you are pregnant and the fear of the total life changes that it would mean to him? It seems strange that he was telling you that he did want to have children, and has now had such a turn about when he finds out that you’re actually pregnant. When I first became pregnant I was in my early 20s (unplanned baby) and my partner was horrified. Once we had talked things through, he was less fearful and became much more positive about the idea. However this did take time. Little baby is now 24. I guess though, you would have to prepare yourself for the scenario of being a single parent, as that could end up being your reality.

Thank you for the hone truths Graphista. Believe me I have beaten myself up about this. It's a long story, I was extremely vulnerable. I still don't know what to do.

My partner told me last night that if I had the baby and moved away from him he would go to court and fight to see the baby or even have the baby.

He's bluffing to try and get you to abort. Why would he fight to see a baby he doesn't want? Disgusting.

He has basically said that if I had the baby he would take parenthood seriously but he doesn't want the baby with me.

No one can force you to have a termination, but equally do think about the full implications of having a child in this scenario. For example you've said you've got other adult children (who a PP has asked if you could move in with) - I'm sure their DM having another child after knowing someone 8 months and then separating will be a big enough shock. It may not be fair to expect any support/housing from them, for example. It's harder to just stay with a friend/family when you have a small baby as you would impact their routine and sleep too, however as you sound vulnerable and pregnant you may get council help. It may be worth talking with CAB before you make a decision about what position you would be in if you went ahead so you could fully understand your housing options, your financial situation etc.

He's an arsehole. If he didn't want a baby he should have used a condom or had the snip.

If you have an abortion do you think you'll want to stay with him anyway?

If you dont put him on the BC then he will have a hard job proving anything. Plus a lot of men say they will fight for residency. It really never actually happens

You need to move out of his house. This relationship is over. He will certainly kick you out after a termination anyway. Unless you are a danger to the baby then the courts will not just give him full custody.

You need to find out what support you may be entitled to from your local authority. Terminating the pregnancy won't keep hold of this man. Only do it if it's the right decision for you. Don't let his threats cloud your judgement.

Don’t let his threats make you do something you don’t want. DC’s dad said he would fight for custody and he hasn’t seen either of the DC in over a year

He really isn’t kind is he? He wants you to terminate but if you don’t he’ll try to take the baby, which he doesn’t want, away from you. What a peach!

You need to find a home of your own because your relationship is over whatever you do. I’m so sorry x

He can't just take the child off you! He's all over the place isn't he?

I think take things one step at a time.

Firstly get any medical support you need, meet with as impartial a pregnancy counsellor as possible to help you explore and discuss all your options so you can make the right decision FOR YOU.

Then speak to shelter about your housing options and support, I've found them extremely helpful and knowledgeable, I've been homeless 3 times myself and I've also had great advice from them when I've been supporting others with housing issues when I had a volunteer role supporting a certain vulnerable group.

Also speak to a welfare rights advisor especially if you're not currently working to get support for an income for yourself if you don't have one.

Inform yourself on the law regarding residency of children, if possible speak with a lawyer, if only to reassure yourself that he CANNOT simply take your child if you keep the pregnancy.

Speak to your adult children, I am sure they will help if they possibly can.

I know you must be feeling panicked and with loads of thoughts swirling around your head and I apologise if I was overly blunt in my earlier response.

But the fact is there's a timescale to consider here too. So you need to get organised. I know you might not feel like doing that but you really do, otherwise you'll end up with fewer options and more pressure.

I hope you find an outcome you're happy with.

Move out because you can't be with him anymore after this. Then all the balls are in your court. Don't believe him when he says he wants a baby with you but 'not right now'- it's a bare-faced lie.

Also- before conception, the one who doesn't want children always takes precedent. After conception, it's entirely up to the mother, so you don't need his permission (and you don't have to tell him what you've decided until it's too late for him to nag you into a different course of action either).

He sounds immature for a man in his forties, how long does he expect to wait to have a child? I'm assuming he doesn't have any from previous.

You, on the other hand, do have grown children and have been through all that already - in your place I wouldn't want another and especially not with someone who really doesn't want one.

However the decision is yours alone, dontthinksoman. No one can make your mind up for you. You did say you might have miscarried so check that out first, that would certainly take the burden of decision away from you. Then get fixed up with good contraception.

I do feel a bit concerned that you said if you break up with the boyfriend, you'd be homeless. You seem to have given up a home to move in with him, after not very long, was it really worth it?

Think about everything people have said on here.
All the very best whatever happens.

Well one thing can be said here

You can see his true colours

He’s told you he doesn’t want the baby but should you go through with it, he will try and make life hard.

Lucky for you it doesn’t work that way.

I think you can throw his wants out of the equation now. It’s about you. He won’t be around, there isnt a relationship here, and he’s willing to treat you like shit.