Please be kind as I feel so, so low and that I'm unravelling. I feel utterly depleted in my brain and am having flashes of extreme paranoia and suicidal thoughts like I am unravelling, sorry if this is triggering for anyone.
I had a termination in April last year - at the time I felt nothing but relief, and I still do not regret this termination. I was unemployed at the time and did not feel ready and for me those felt like good enough reasons, and my partner also wasn't sure either way so I felt I had his support.
Unfortunately I have got into the same position again, I had been on the pill but stupidly came off it with the intention of getting the coil fitted, and bam - positive pregnancy test. Partner was happy this time round, but I was not. I had really thought when I was still in the suspecting stage that I might be happy - after all I have a job now, we have just moved somewhere bigger, 'on paper' everything would be OK. But I have been totally plagued with a sense of doom and seeing those two lines made me feel like I had been diagnosed with something terminal and I had 8 months left to live.
I had my scan yesterday at Marie Stopes and been to see a counsellor today and termination booked for Friday. I am more sure after chat with counsellor that it is the right thing for me to do, but I still feel seriously like I am going to spiral. This whole thing has made me feel like an evil person, I am judging myself a lot, and feel I can't speak to anybody as so ashamed. I also feel like it's made me doubt my whole relationship and my whole future... another pregnancy any time soon would be absolutely ridiculous and I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent it, double contraception if need be, but I'm feeling like a future with children is bleak and so is a future without them.
I just feel terribly, terribly low and like an awful person, the women at Marie Stopes were lovely but of course it's their job to be. Don't feel able to speak to anyone in real life hence coming here. I don't know if I can cope, just feel I want to take some sleeping pills and disappear for a bit.