About to have second termination in space of a year and half and I feel like utter shit

[avachops]

Please be kind as I feel so, so low and that I'm unravelling. I feel utterly depleted in my brain and am having flashes of extreme paranoia and suicidal thoughts like I am unravelling, sorry if this is triggering for anyone.

I had a termination in April last year - at the time I felt nothing but relief, and I still do not regret this termination. I was unemployed at the time and did not feel ready and for me those felt like good enough reasons, and my partner also wasn't sure either way so I felt I had his support.

Unfortunately I have got into the same position again, I had been on the pill but stupidly came off it with the intention of getting the coil fitted, and bam - positive pregnancy test. Partner was happy this time round, but I was not. I had really thought when I was still in the suspecting stage that I might be happy - after all I have a job now, we have just moved somewhere bigger, 'on paper' everything would be OK. But I have been totally plagued with a sense of doom and seeing those two lines made me feel like I had been diagnosed with something terminal and I had 8 months left to live.

I had my scan yesterday at Marie Stopes and been to see a counsellor today and termination booked for Friday. I am more sure after chat with counsellor that it is the right thing for me to do, but I still feel seriously like I am going to spiral. This whole thing has made me feel like an evil person, I am judging myself a lot, and feel I can't speak to anybody as so ashamed. I also feel like it's made me doubt my whole relationship and my whole future... another pregnancy any time soon would be absolutely ridiculous and I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent it, double contraception if need be, but I'm feeling like a future with children is bleak and so is a future without them.

I just feel terribly, terribly low and like an awful person, the women at Marie Stopes were lovely but of course it's their job to be. Don't feel able to speak to anyone in real life hence coming here. I don't know if I can cope, just feel I want to take some sleeping pills and disappear for a bit.

I've got no advice, but you arent evil - its your life and you know what you can cope with, good luck

Don’t listen to scare stories of may not get pregnant a third time! Such crap!

OP you aren’t a bad person, you weigh up what’s best for you. Don’t keep a pregnancy because you think you should, keep a pregnancy if you want to have a child! No decision is wrong, it’s what’s best for you.

This reads like you have mental health issues, I don't mean that in any kind of derogatory way. If that's the case you need to speak to someone about that and about how you feel having will impact you.

You don't need to feel bad, you only get one life, if a child isn't what you want then that's ok. Good luck x

Please don't do anything to harm yourself you must be going through hell. Please ring Samaritans xxxxxxxx

@sweatyyeti but I feel like if I'm not lucky enough in future that won't be the fault of my terminations, that'll just be what was meant to happen at that age. I think going ahead will tip me over the edge mentally - I forgot to mention above (stupidly as it's important) I have been feeling very mentally unwell for a while now with panic disorder and possible PTSD from something that happened when I was younger. I just don't feel equipped to deal with something so emotionally taxing as motherhood

Ah well that context also explains things Xxx you know what's best for you

This is your life and you do what you have to do. You won’t be the first person doing this and definitely not the last.
It’s a difficult thing to talk about but please do talk to your partner.
At the moment, you’re probably experiencing a whole load of emotions and hormones so you need to know that you’re making the best decision for you.
Talk it through, express all your fears and worries, write things down, tell us here is if it helps.

If you walk into your appointment on Friday, do it knowing you’ve made the best possible decision for yourself.
You don’t need to feel guilty about it.

Hello avachops, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We very much hope things look a lot brighter for you soon.

With your health problems, you're probably making a wise choice. If you've been for counselling and are satisfied with your choice, have the termination asap.

I could cry at how nice you're all being as I feel when I walk past people in the street who smile at me or make casual conversation on the bus that if they knew 'the truth' about me they'd flinch.

I absolutely am not judging anyone else whose been through similar but bloody hard not to judge myself.

OP, you are not a bad person. Falling pregnant does not in any way mean you are obliged to keep being pregnant, or have a baby.

You sound like you have made this decision sensibly and after consideration. You are doing the responsible thing, the right thing for you. You aren't doing anything bad or wrong.

I hope it goes ok and that your health improves

You are absolutely not evil! You’re making the right decision for you in a difficult situation. Be kind to yourself and please seek help in real life, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

OP it's fine for you to have a 2nd termination. If you know you don't want to continue then it wouldn't be right to go ahead with the pregnancy.
Don't judge yourself. There is no point beating yourself up.

There's no need to judge yourself but do get yourself onto contraception that agrees with you or use condoms as I think you know any more terminations would be a bit too much (mentally and physically)

Hey op, don't be hard on yourself. Many women have two terminations. Ive had 1 and my doctor told me terminations have no risk to your fertility unless a major problem occurs during one which is rare.
You have to do what you feel is right and what you want. The only right answer is the one you choose for yourself. Things like this happen and you just have to deal with the cards life hands you.
I would definitely seek some counselling post-abortion, just to help you process and overcome the last year of your life. You can and you will move forward from this. It doesn't define you as a person and doesn't define your future either. You deserve to go on and have a baby when the time is right for you. Sending love and support your way x

You’re not a bad person. There are too many unwanted children on the planet as it is. Please take more care with contraception though but I’m sure you already know that!

Goodness me. As women we don’t get given a quota of terminations (and even if there was one, I haven’t had an abortion so you can have mine).

That’s what the service is there for - if you need it once, or 10 times. Don’t worry about others, just focus on you.

Big hug and

You’ve told us the truth and we’re not judging you. You are clearly really struggling and this is horrible for you. Nothing but sympathy and empathy here.
I do hope you have RL support (especially for the panic disorder. MH issues are bloody hard to deal with and you shouldn’t have to do so alone.)

Hey, how are you now? Two years on.. I’m in a similar situation but feeling the EXACT same way..

Sending a handhold, OP. I know how it feels to have to make this decision. It’s pure hell xx

Zombie thread, I wish MN would lock them!