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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Abortion at 43 years old

52 replies

Katarina43 · 07/12/2018 11:14

This is very hard for me to write and I am still in shock.
I am 43, have 3 grown up children 21, 18 and 16. On Wednesday I was late for my period and did a positive pregnancy test.
I had a coil removed a couple of years ago after having treatment for pre-cancerous cells and have used the natural method ever since.
I don't live with my partner and we have been on and off for quite a while now. We had sex shortly after my last period which I presumed was a safe time and way before ovulation. Clearly not.
I am in utter shock. I have a friend the same age as me who is desperate for a child and has struggled to conceive for years, going through multiple rounds of IVF, completely taking care of her body and nurturing herself yet she cant get pregnant. I am angry with myself and angry with my body. I couldn't think of anything worse to have a child at my age and it is not an option or a desire. I have a hundred percent made up my mind that I cannot continue and booked an appointment immediately at BPAS to take the pill a few days before Christmas. I am sorry if I sound cruel but I absolutely do not want and can not go through a pregnancy at my age. I thought the chances of conceiving naturally at my age 43 were really rare.
I had coils for 14 years following the birth of my daughter and did everything possible to avoid this.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation?
I feel terrible, but my decision is firmly made. I would be grateful for any advice. I'm angry with myself....

OP posts:

Rogueone · 07/12/2018 11:53

Katarina43 you do what is right for you. I had an unplanned baby just before I was 45. My older DC were 18,11,8 however I had been with my OH for 20yrs and was stable and even though we were shocked and not sure we should proceed once we found out he was fine following all the tests we went for it. However if I was in your position I would be doing the same as you. Stay strong......

Melamin · 07/12/2018 11:53

It is harder to get pregnant after 40 but not always impossible - I know a couple of 46 year olds. 54 was the record, until a 59 year old beat that!

Perimenopause messes up your cycles so that you do not ovulate sometimes and sometimes have several eggs ripening at once so get oestrogen surges, and the timing of your lining is building up and after ovulation go to pot too. This can all make you infertile - or the reverse!

Please don't beat yourself up about it. It happens. That's why these services exist.

Iforgotthisevening · 07/12/2018 11:54

Please don’t beat yourself up. You’re perfectly entitled to feel how you are feeling and I expect you’re still slightly in shock.

Fwiw, I suffer with infertility but there is no way on earth I would begrudge or judge someone for terminating a pregnancy they don’t wish to continue with.

ChristmasRaven · 07/12/2018 11:55

I was in the same situation as you and thought I was facing a very difficult decision. Then I started spotting and I knew something wasn't right. Mine turned out to be ectopic. I was lucky in that I didn't need any treatment and it resolved itself but it took any decision out of my hands. I honestly think my age was the reason it was ectopic. I remember I read up on the statistics and yes conceiving is hard after 40, but many more women do conceive but it doesn't result in a live birth.

Having said all that. Had it not been ectopic, I think I would have ultimately decided on abortion. It would have broken my heart to do it but bringing a child into the world at that point wouldn't have been fair on me or the child. Don't be angry with yourself. You didn't do anything "wrong". You were just unlucky.

shearwater · 07/12/2018 11:55

All the sympathy in the world, OP. Understandable in the circumstances. I'm the same age with younger children and am not entirely sure what I would do if I found myself pregnant.

gendercritter · 07/12/2018 11:57

I can't have children and would absolutely kill to have a child but I would still say go ahead and don't feel a moment's guilt. It isn't your fault and your body and any pregnancies have nothing to do with anyone else. At all. People abort pregnancies all the time when their nearest and dearest are desperate for children. That's just life.

The only way in which a situation like this has any relevance for your friend is in how you talk to her (or not!) about what you're doing. I'd say the kindest thing is not to bring it up, as you're already planning. You sound very considerate of her situation but her grief and her life is her own.

bigKiteFlying · 07/12/2018 11:59

I know quite a few mothers caught this way - though I only know ones who had children met them through groups and school gates.

I knew one two had the children in three cases with coils - two with them still in place third had missed it coming out. They were very shocked as it is supposed to be better than sterilisation.

I'm a similar age with younger children but I can't say I’d be keen to start again with a baby.

I think be nice to yourself - and talk to your GP later about what contraception is best going forward.

Transpeaked · 07/12/2018 12:00

Yes you have nothing to be angry with yourself about. People make mistakes, life happens - getting accidentally pregnant isn’t the marker of ineptitude.

I’m sorry your friend has struggled but your fertility is nothing to do with hers.

Be kinder to yourself.

HoustonBess · 07/12/2018 12:03

Wait until the shock dies down before making a final decision about it.

Use pencil and paper to write out the options (abortion, keeping it, adoption etc) and the pros and cons of each. Even if some of the options seem obviously unsuitable then it'll stop the different arguments whirling around inside your head and you'll be able to rule out certain things.

Don't feel bad whatever you decide, you having a baby or not won't make any difference to someone struggling with infertility. You don't need to feel grateful to be pregnant or guilty that you're not happy about it.

MadeForThis · 07/12/2018 12:06

Make the decision that's right for you. Nothing to feel guilty about.

MatildaTheCat · 07/12/2018 12:07

Women in their forties form a large percentage of women seeking to terminate pregnancy for all the reasons you describe. Do what is right for you, try not to feel guilt- these things happen and we are very fortunate to have choice now.

When you are through the other side get some effective contraception in place.

mortifiedmama · 07/12/2018 12:14

You have to do what is right for you. DH and I had this discussion recently. We've had 2 contraceptive failures and he refuses to get vasectomy. I've told him if it happens again, I cannot and will not be going through another pregnancy.

Don't let your friends predicament sway you. You are not her, her circumstances are not yours.

chibsortig · 07/12/2018 12:22

Stop being angry with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You have made your choice no need to beat yourself up over it, thats not productive.
Be kind to yourself please.
Sending hugs.

Hogtini · 07/12/2018 12:22

Don't be so hard on yourself You can't compare to others and their struggles, you have to do what's best for you.

tildaMa · 07/12/2018 12:24

I have a hundred percent made up my mind that I cannot continue

And that's all there is to it.
You had a choice, you made a decision that is best for you. No need to feel sorry or angry about it. It's not relevant to your friend.

akerman · 07/12/2018 12:24

I was in a similar situation, except I got pregnant with a Mirena still in place. I'd always been sure that I would never have an abortion, right up until the moment I needed one. It was a very hard decision, especially as I was in Ireland at the time. After a week I miscarried and didn't have to go through with it. But I absolutely would have done, so completely empathise with the guilt and shock. Be gentle with yourself.

YeahCorvid · 07/12/2018 12:24

Don't beat yourself up. Do what you need to do.

I think the "aged women never conceive" trope is massively exaggerated by a misogynist culture that likes to froth disapprovingly about women doing things other than / before having children. It's misleading (and it caught me out too, more happily in my case)

Justgivemeasoddingname · 07/12/2018 12:26

I would do the same as you in the same circumstances, and would hope I would have the same strength as you as it would be the right decision for me.
We have 3 children from 14 down to 7 and dh has had a vasectomy. I know of 2 people who became pg after a vasectomy, one's youngest was 10 and the other's youngest child was 22. I just couldn't do it.

Please be at peace with yourself, if it's the right decision do not bring any unwanted ill feeling to yourself. Stay strong and love your self. Good luck xx

Tinkobell · 07/12/2018 12:31

So sorry to hear this OP. My kids are older and a baby at this stage would sadly be the last thing in the world that I'd want. Try not to muddle up yours and your friends situation......they are somewhat different circumstances; though I wouldn't tell her your situation or intentions. 43 by the way isn't terribly old! I know many women who've started their families in their forties .....I only make that point as you assumed a much lessened fertility at 43. I hope things go smoothly; share the info v v carefully (my teens are vehement pro-lifers so I wouldn't tell them in the same situation). 💐💐💐

Original poster

Katarina43 · 07/12/2018 13:03

THANK YOU. Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I will reply to you all personally when I get the chance.
Ive taken on board all of your comments and I'm grateful to each and every one of you.
It wasn't a difficult decision to make, but I still wish this had happened to my friend and life seems very unfair sometimes. I will never tell her and following this, I will look at getting sterilised. I think that would be the best decision and not to presume that my age and avoiding certain times of the month wont result in conception.
I really hope the pregnancy naturally ends in one way or another like some of you have mentioned.

OP posts:

Birdie6 · 07/12/2018 13:17

I agree with the other posters - you need to do what is best for you. Don't get your thoughts mixed up with your friend's situation - the two are not connected and you shouldn't feel bad for her.

I had two terminations - one in my teens and one in my late 30's - and have never had any negative feelings about them. I made my decisions and moved on.

Best wishes to you - look after yourself . And don't discus this with your friend.

Smarties01 · 27/02/2019 13:32

How are you OP? Xx

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2019 13:38

Do you have a different friend to confide in? Preferably one who doesn't know your other friend so there's no issue with keeping 'secrets'?

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2019 13:39

Just realised you must be at least ten weeks now, please make an appointment for a termination don't wait for anything to happen naturally!

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2019 13:39

Argh ignore me I am so so sorry. I thought your last post was recent

I'll get my coat!

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