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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Don't want termination, partner does

71 replies

Syslik · 16/11/2018 09:07

Hello.Looking for some advice.I have been with my partner for 12years.He has 2children from previous relationship(16y, 18y)and we have a 2.5y old boy together.
He always knew I wanted to have 2children but after our boy was born he made clear he didn't want any more despite me wanting another one.
I was on a mini pill and missed a few whilst on holiday(i know my mistake!)and got pregnant(now around 6-7weeks).
Took me ages to tell him as I knew he will go absolutely mad.He eventually made me to call the clinic to make appointment for termination which wasn't for another week.Every day a spent crying and couldn't believe I would ever find myself reading pages about termination and people's experience.I went to the appointment and had a scan but broke down in tears again when the consultant and a nurse asked me if I was sure about it.I know I would always regret it and not sure if I could ever get over it.
The only reason why I was considering the termination was that it was my fault that I got pregnant and it is not fair to my partner as I never wanted to have another child against his will.He just feels too old(he is 46, I am 38) and too tired to have another baby and can only see the limitations on his life/lifestyle the baby would cause for another 10years.Mind I pretty much do all the care for our little boy anyway.
He keeps pushing me to go back to the clinic and I don't know what to do.He feels it would finish us off when he is happy with the life we have now.I am so depressed about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Syslik · 20/11/2018 09:01

Thank you all for your comments.I really appreciate it.It is good to see the situation through somebody else's eyes.To make the situation even more difficult his 18y old son told him yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant!So my partner's stress levels are through the roof :(

OP posts:
TeapotFairy · 20/11/2018 12:26

OP- His DS’s situation shouldn’t impact on the choice you make about your pregnancy.

No doubt his concerns about his son as (at least in part) financial but whether you keep your child or not has nothing to do with his DS and any prospective grand child

sollyfromsurrey · 20/11/2018 21:45

So you are in a situation where either way, one of you will be resentful. Him because he doesn't want another child, you because you don't want to kill the unborn child inside of you. One if you will need to deal with their issue. It's fairly obvious which one has the biggest burden. For him to think his need for no more kids is bigger than your future full of pain and regret for terminating a life is ridiculous. I am totally pro choice but if you don't want to abort, it will cause you a lifetime of grief.

Original poster
Syslik · 21/11/2018 09:20

Yeah exactly, the problem is that he can't see it as a baby yet and easy 'thing' to sort out.He doesn't seem to understand or realise what a massive impact it will probably have on my mental health even though I have no history of any issues in that area.He can't sleep with the stress now and I am worried about him doing something to himself.Total trap 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Syslik · 27/11/2018 10:18

Just a little update. I have decided to keep my baby and had a booking appointment with the midwife yesterday.
Thanks for everyone's input in my story and your advice.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 27/11/2018 10:28

OP I'm glad you've made the right decision for you, that was so important in all this. Now please bear in mind your partner has choices of his own, he can either get on board or not but please see that for what it is - his choice. Don't allow him to blame you.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/11/2018 10:31

Yay! Keep your baby. If he didn't want any more kids ever he should have had a vasectomy.

GemmeFatale · 27/11/2018 10:47

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I know this is a hard road but it seems obvious it’s the right one. I hope it all goes as well as humanly possible

Pearson8 · 27/11/2018 11:12

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llangennith · 27/11/2018 11:24

Glad you've made the decision that works for you and your peace of mind. Congratulations on your pregnancy😊

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2018 11:31

Great news. I wonder why the pill exists though if anything short of vasectomy is seen by women as not real contraception.

The op forgot her pills, that's user error. I often wonder how posters would feel about men insisting on watching their partner take their pill every day. I suspect he'd be called many nasty things and the woman urged to leave the relationship.

Nesssie · 27/11/2018 11:40

MorrisZapp Agree. And if the man forgot a condom that lead to pregnancy?
Feel sorry for both parties in this.

Bigonesmallone3 · 27/11/2018 11:43

U can't be forced into doin anything u don't want to do!
It's always been ur wish to have two.. now it's happened and u will forever regret it..
What happens if u decide to keep it?

lovetherisingsun · 27/11/2018 12:00

As pp said, if he absolutely didn't want another baby, contraception should not have been solely your responsibility. It takes sperm to make a baby - just because men love sex without condoms doesn't mean they get to absolve themselves of any and all responsibility in the event contraception fails. Yes, you should be had a deeper conversation when he made his feelings on the matter clear "Well then, we're not having sex unless we both wear protection/you get the snip/you understand if it's down to me it's still not 100% effective" etc etc.

lovetherisingsun · 27/11/2018 12:00

But you shouldn't be made to.terminate of you don't want to.

sue51 · 27/11/2018 12:05

Hope all goes well for you.

Sethis · 27/11/2018 12:10

doesn't mean they get to absolve themselves of any and all responsibility in the event contraception fails.

Except in situations where the explicit, stated, agreed position is that if contraception fails, an abortion will be the result.

If that is the agreed position of both people, then suddenly changing your mind at the last minute to keep an accidental pregnancy is 100% on the woman. Not the man. The man has acted in good faith, and trusted his partner to keep her word, and she hasn't. That's not his responsibility. That's babytrapping and equivalent to stealthing - the man promises to use a condom and doesn't. The woman has promised to use the pill and hasn't.

OP, what has your husband said about your decision?

brookshelley · 27/11/2018 12:11

Glad you’ve come to a decision you’re happy with OP.

As a general point - if I knew my partner was dead set against a baby the minipill is the last method I’d choose. Go for coil or implant next time!

fieryginger · 27/11/2018 12:14

Obviously it's up to you. If he desperately didn't want any more children, you should've left contraception up to him and told him "I'm not ever having a termination, if a pregnancy occurs, then it's down to your incompetence". But that didn't happen. I think, it's always best to be honest regarding a lapse in taking the pill, with the partner you're having sex with. They can chose not to sleep with you or to use condoms.

However, again, this didn't happen. And doesn't help you now. I am totally pro choice, in your case, it sounds like you would deeply regret a termination, it maybe as much of a detriment to your marriage as a baby would be. If I were you, I'd keep the baby and see what happens. He can leave you though, it is a possibility.

Whatever happens, you won't be the first woman in this predicament and you certainly won't be the last.

Good luck op. Hope it works out for you 💐

Starlight345 · 27/11/2018 12:25

Glad this is your decision . I think you will of regretted it for ever if you hadn’t.

Good luck for the pregnancy.

Hope he gets on board

Pebblesandfriends · 27/11/2018 12:30

Congratulations op. I hope your partner steps up and you can forgive him for pressuring you. If you can't it's his own fault, I am furious on your behalf that he treated you like that. Absolutely unacceptable.

lovetherisingsun · 27/11/2018 12:38

The man has acted in good faith, and trusted his partner to keep her word, and she hasn't. That's not his responsibility. That's babytrapping and equivalent to stealthing

In this case OP and partner did not make any promises it seems about abortion. She says she "missed" the pill, not "deliberately didn't take the pill". But yes, accuse of of stealthing. Better report her to the police then, seeing as stealthing is now a criminal offence.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/11/2018 12:42

Your body your call. End of. Please don't terminate if you don't want to. You will end up hating him - and possibly yourself. He may well come around to it.

iLevictoiChete · 27/11/2018 20:38

Great news that you have taken this decision for yourself. Well done.

Tinkerbell08 · 02/12/2018 14:40

I’m in the same situation right now I found out Im pregnant 7 days ago and I’ve been trying to keep it quiet my husband is adamant he does not want any more children we have two who are 12 and 7.Weve had lots of stresses over money and other things as he suffers with depression I’ve had a terminaton before and we split up not long after as I was so resentful and depressed after but we got back together and rebuilt our life having a baby 3 years later,but now I’m terrified and so scared and don’t know what to do