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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Pregnant but don't want to be

100 replies

Reachforthestars18 · 02/04/2018 15:27

Hi, I'm 31 and eight weeks pregnant, no other children. I've made the mistake of telling everyone my news hoping it would feel better but after two weeks I still feel awful. I have never looked at myself as being the maternal type, I don't really like children if I'm honest. I had a strange childhood and although I'm past it I still feel that having children isn't for me. My bf is in shock and he's being very supportive, honestly he couldn't do more. I've done everything I can so far to make sure the unborn child is well but I'm struggling, I've hoped id see some good in all this but I don't. I'm in limbo and I'm so desperate now for something to help change my mind. This is my last resort. Any help will do.

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/04/2018 15:31

Is it in part practical worries about raising a child, eg.. money/ living situation or solely the emotional side of not wanting kids at all?

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 15:33

It comes across as if you think you should be feeling some immense joy and excitement. Not everyone feels like that. What you are feeling is fairly normal when there is an unplanned pregnancy.

Your relationship with your own children will be completely different to any relationship you have with any other children so don't worry about not being 'maternal' or liking any other children because you honestly don't need to.

ethelfleda · 02/04/2018 15:42

When I was pregnant with DS in the first trimester I felt like I had made a huge mistake and he was planned! I even (dare I say it) secretly hoped I would miscarry. I can't even believe I've just said that as I never admitted that to anyone.
Now he is here I can't imagine life without him. I know that's a huge cliche but it's true. I figured that it is perfectly normal to freak out over such a huge life changing event and to wonder if you're making a huge mistake.
I also think if you decide to end the pregnancy that is totally your decision and no business of anyone else's.
What I will say is that in the first trimester, your hormones are all over the place and it can have a massive impact on your mood (some people suffer prenatal depression as well) in my case, I was much happier once in the second trimester and I had energy and felt more like myself.
to you though. It's not an easy situation to be in.

ethelfleda · 02/04/2018 15:43

Also to add - I was never maternal and still can't stand other people's children! But feel very maternal towards DS so don't worry about that!

TheGruffalosArse · 02/04/2018 15:45

We tried for DS for years and I still spent quite a bit of my pregnancy wondering what the fuck I'd done. Thrilled we did it now he's here of course.

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 15:46

Agree with all the above but op it’s your call. It doesn’t matter you have told anyone else about the pregnancy it’s still your total right to choose to continue or not as you see fit.

AssignedLazyAtBirth · 02/04/2018 15:49

You say you don't want to be pregnant. Do you want this child? Assuming you are in the UK, you are very lucky to have options. I'm somewhere abortion is a criminal offense and last year I had to see a collegue try and try to miscarry by going against all her doctor's orders (the child was born healthy).

If you do want the child, try to organize things. Childcare, mat leave...

mimibunz · 02/04/2018 15:50

Abortion or adoption?

specialsubject · 02/04/2018 15:54

Every child a wanted child. If you don't want one, that's fine and abortion is the better choice. Never a happy choice but sometimes the better one.

You do not have to have a baby. There are people who regret having them. There are also many who don't.

The best in whatever you decide.

Tainbri · 02/04/2018 15:56

I felt "numb" when I found out I was pg. like a PP says, felt no joy or excitement and then felt guilty that I didn't feel that way because I thought that was expected. Actually I felt really low and depressed. How you're feeling isn't abnormal. The first baby I ever held (and the last one) was mine. Now of course DS brings great joy but I really hated the being pregnant thing, especially the fear of the unknown. Hope all goes well for you op

PeacefulBlessing · 02/04/2018 16:01

You don't have to continue with the pregnancy.

Tartsamazeballs · 02/04/2018 16:04

I don't think you're alone, although we planned to have a child once we conceived there was an overwhelming feeling of stepping onto a rollercoaster and not being able to get off. If that's what a planned pregnancy feels like then no wonder you're struggling with an unplanned one.

I'm not going to patronise you by telling you it's the best thing you'll ever do, but I think you do need to unpack your feelings around it all to get to the point of understanding what you really want. Have you got any IRL friends who would be open minded? If not, maybe some private counselling (I assume NHS would be too slow). If you do want to terminate the pregnancy you'll want to move sooner rather than later.

I too had a shitty childhood- you aren't destined to repeat those mistakes, and being abused doesn't turn you into an abuser. Those are fallacies.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 16:04

OP,
Listen to your gut feeling

Your life and your choice.

Mydoghatesthebath · 02/04/2018 16:08

tarts

The last paragraph in your post isn’t said enough is it.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 02/04/2018 16:09

Go and see your GP about an abortion.

Original poster

Reachforthestars18 · 02/04/2018 16:10

Hi everyone, thank you for all your time and advice. I am in the uk, financially very stable. I guess its just everything that comes with it and saying goodbye life for the next twenty years... its a huge commitment. I feel so sorry for my partner who has big dreams and he's more than happy to put them on hold for us. My mum says it will be the making of me but I just don't see how. I feel numb also. Been praying things would change but I can't see any good. I honestly just don't know.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 02/04/2018 16:11

If you don't want a baby, don't have a baby. I wanted mine desperately - tried for 2.5 years, had a miscarriage, arranged my whole life around having her. Now she's here and I love her fiercely but it is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and while I don't regret having her, I DO miss my old life and I can't imagine doing this for a baby I didn't really want in the first place or wasn't ready for.

In your situation I would have an abortion. If you don't feel you can tell everyone you've done that, you can make out that you miscarried. I wouldn't normally advocate lying but in this instance I think it's warranted, simply because society involves itself in a woman's reproductive decisions in such an invasive and intrusive way that sometimes deceit is the only way of preserving your sanity.

That said, if you DO decide to go ahead, you have a long time to come to terms with things and prepare yourself for having a baby, and at 31 although you are still young there is a chance (as there always is) that you may not get this opportunity again, so you should take that into consideration.

I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever you decide - and remember that it is your decision alone.

DrWhy · 02/04/2018 16:15

You really don’t have to say goodbye to your life for 20 years! It changes but it doesn’t cease to exist! I have an 18 month old DS, I still get out at least one evening a week to exercise or socialise, often two, I still have a career, we still travel overseas and in the UK for long weekends and holidays. What are you most concerned about loosing? You also don’t have to continue the pregnancy if you don’t want to.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 16:17

saying goodbye life for the next twenty years

I know this is the perception but honestly it's not the reality for everyone. I have three children and have a great life. Yes some things aren't possible anymore and many things are different e.g. holidays/going out/work but I do other things instead like having friends round for dinner/ meeting in the day for barbecues etc. And we have great holidays just different ones. What are your OH's plans that he has to put on hold?

If your mum is local will she be a support for you?

Gemini69 · 02/04/2018 16:18

you have plenty options still available to you.. Termination being one of them.. you go quietly discreetly and privately.. then you come home and say whatever you choose to say about the matter ...

ConciseandNice · 02/04/2018 16:19

Firstly your life doesn’t stop; i travelled the world, got two degrees, ran many marathons and climbed a mountain when I had kids in my twenties. It can slow you down if you let it sure, but it’s not a life sentence or imprisonment- that’s ignorance and fear talking. You want to do something, you can do. If you don’t manage it, that’s on you, not motherhood. But...you’re in the U.K. there’s absolutely no reason why any woman should have a baby she doesn’t want- get to a gp and get referred for a termination. They actually prefer to do this in most clinics after 8 weeks because it’s easier to know that it is complete and less risk of failure. Do what is best for you, but make a decision and go with it 100%. Don’t second guess yourself. It’ll be ok either way. I promise.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 16:20

In your situation I would have an abortion

society involves itself in a woman's reproductive decisions in such an invasive and intrusive way

That's literally exactly what you've done. Surely we are here to tell the OP our experiences (as she has asked) and let her decide

niceupthedance · 02/04/2018 16:23

Don't let anyone persuade you to have a child, a lifetime commitment, that you are having doubts over keeping. Being a parent is very hard and there are no guarantees everything will turn out the way you planned.

If you're worried about having told people then have a termination and tell people the pregnancy wasn't viable.

StormcloakNord · 02/04/2018 16:23

A couple of things to add to this!

You don't have to follow through with the pregnancy. If you really don't want to, get a termination and you can tell the family whatever you like about it. You don't necessarily have to tell your family you had a termination if you don't want to.

Also, life goes on hold for about 4/5 years in all honesty, definitely not 20. I've spent the last 5 years raising DD and struggling with the usually struggles and not much has happened for me personally, but now she's in school and I'm away back to college and things are picking up again.

I was the same as you, really didn't want to carry on with the PG but I did, and it's worked out alright.

At the end of the day, it's your body and your choice don't let outside influences sway you.

RoadToRivendell · 02/04/2018 16:24

In your shoes, I'd have an abortion. No one needs to know, you can call it a miscarriage.

You don't sound happy about this at all.

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