Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be struggling so much to make this decision about whether or not to terminate pregnancy

67 replies

Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 21:35

There are a thousand good reasons not to go ahead with this pregnancy, impact on other DCs and marriage, finances (recently had a big change where DH lost his job, he is working again but on a day by day basis.

DH is strongly against abortion. If I tell him, I'm as good as conceding that I am havjng the child.

My head is a mess.

OP posts:
MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 01/10/2017 22:39

Hi OP, we've moved this thread to Pregnancy Choices, as it's a bit less robust than AIBU. We hope you continue to get support from this thread Flowers

Original poster
Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 22:40

I thimk i could too emerald

Sometimes, secrets protect people. Thanks for the thread move.

OP posts:
Motherwell91 · 01/10/2017 22:41

I agree it is completely your choice your body. But do you felt it's sensible to hide this from dh ? I get that you know his reaction but if he found out another way that would cause distrust in your relationship.

I hope whatever you choose to all works out okay OP XFlowers

EmeraldIsle100 · 01/10/2017 22:45

How do you think your DH would react to the news?

Original poster
Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 22:46

If I tell DH, then I will end up continuing with the pregnancy. And I just don't know if that's best. Dh means well but the lions share of everything will fall to me.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/10/2017 22:54

Hi OP, just wanted to confirm that in most areas you can self refer directly to Marie Stopes or BPAS and they bill the NHS so you would have no costs. They can also offer free counselling over the phone if you want to talk it through with someone neutral.

When you say you have horrible pregnancies, would your health be jeopardised by continuing the pregnancy?

wonderwoo · 01/10/2017 22:58

OP I really think you need some help with this. A professional to talk to who is completely impartial. I am pretty sure pregnancy choices clinics provide counselling prior to any decision being made and maybe it would be wise to access this ASAP to help you decide.

I agree that not telling your DH is a completely valid choice at this point because it would put you under an awful lot of pressure. You need to work out what is right for you first.

As an aside (and this is entirely my personal thoughts) but if I felt I couldn't confide in my DH something like this, without the kind of pressure you describe, to do what HE thinks is right, then I am afraid I would be re-evaluating my relationship. It's fair enough he has those views but it's not fair for him to impose them on you.

Original poster
Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 23:01

He isn't perfect, but there is no way I could manage without him. (Or him me.)

When I went to Marie Stopes before there was no counselling. It was very much assumed I wanted to end the pregnancy.

OP posts:
TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 01/10/2017 23:33

I wouldn't carry a secret like that in my marriage, and telling him after the fact (given that he will view this as the death of his child) would be incredibly cruel. I think you need to have a conversation with him.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/10/2017 04:22

I could carry the secret too. It's not a case of not being a blabbermouth.

It doesn't mean it won't erode your relationship. Every single day you'll be lying to your DH. Every single time abortion comes up in conversation & on the television etc you'll be hiding yours. There's something about keeping secrets that changes who you are & how you think of them - it reduces them to someone who doesn't even know when you've lied to them, making them seem gullible & stupid and that reduces your respect for them. The research around this this is actually very interesting.

Does he know about your previous termination? Was that before you got together?

Loopytiles · 02/10/2017 07:47

If you really fear he might snoop into your medical records, and that should you tell him he would make it very difficult for you to do what you seem to wish to do and end the pregnancy, then he seems likely to be controlling/abusive.

Original poster
Headoverheart11 · 02/10/2017 08:27

If I told him that I wanted to end the pregnancy, he would ultimately have to give way.

However, he would be very upset about it and it is very difficult to stand firm against someone else's very strong view.

I would never think DH stupid or gullible for not knowing something I chose not to tell him.

OP posts:
EmeraldIsle100 · 02/10/2017 13:33

Is there any chance that he would be pleased and undertake to do everything necessary to support you emotionally and financially?

I only say this as you mentioned that you had been wistfully thinking about babies. If you can't face the pregnancy and don't want a baby don't have it. You dont actually have to tell anyone.

I did this and 18 years later I am still certain that it was the best decision. Nobody else knows and I am 100% fine with that.

greentea4me · 02/10/2017 18:29

I agree that you don't need to tell him. Let us know what you decide.

SquidgeyMidgey · 02/10/2017 18:46

OP I hope you're feeling calmer or more settled today? We're here if you need us and have no vested interest other than your happiness Flowers

specialsubject · 05/10/2017 19:37

Unfortunately sex always risks an unwanted pregnancy, despite all precautions. Your husband knew this.

Forcing you to be pregnant and give birth is not loving behaviour, especially if he doesnt pull his weight. Would he really do this?

Whatever you decide, if he won't accept abortion then he should get sterilised.

PerfectlyPooPoo · 05/10/2017 20:21

I hope you have made or are coming to decision soon OP Flowers

It sounds like it's a secret you could live with and I think you don't want another dc.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page