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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

To be struggling so much to make this decision about whether or not to terminate pregnancy

67 replies

Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 21:35

There are a thousand good reasons not to go ahead with this pregnancy, impact on other DCs and marriage, finances (recently had a big change where DH lost his job, he is working again but on a day by day basis.

DH is strongly against abortion. If I tell him, I'm as good as conceding that I am havjng the child.

My head is a mess.

OP posts:

PetraDelphiki · 01/10/2017 22:05

You don't have to go via your gp...call bpas or Marie stopes and they can arrange it on the nhs too.

Not saying do or don't just letting you know that you have the option without it going on your record.

Loopytiles · 01/10/2017 22:06

If you think men get to decide what happens to womens bodies then you are not pro choice!

Original poster

Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 22:06

The thing with DH is that he believes life starts at conception. He doesn't want to see women punished for having sex, but he does believe that abortion is murder. Effectively asking him to be okay with me terminating is therefore unfair.

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 01/10/2017 22:06

You're both adults and he should surely be able to share these concerns and shoulder this burden with you? You both got into this situation and so he can't just be let off as it's "an impossible situation" as you're already in it...
If he is so adamant about not ever considering abortion and adamant you don't want any more children he should have had the snip.

thegreylady · 01/10/2017 22:06

It should be a joint discussion but if you can't agree then I guess it is the mother's choice.

Original poster

Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 22:07

Are you sure petra? That didn't used to be the case?

OP posts:

Threenme · 01/10/2017 22:07

Head over please talk to dh. You can't decide this alone especially if you're thinking of names. If I'm completely honest I wouldn't terminate unless there was a medical issue, I couldn't. If you're in two minds I don't think that you'll find it easy after if you decide to do plesdr make sure you have support in place.

Original poster

Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 22:09

There is no way I can talk to DH unless I have decided not to terminate.

Asking him to support me while, according to his beliefs, I end his child's life, is unfair.

OP posts:

category12 · 01/10/2017 22:10

Your medical records are confidential anyway?

Loopytiles · 01/10/2017 22:10

Thing is, if OP tells her H then decides to terminate it's likely he would put pressure on and judge. That would be entirely his fault though.

SquidgeyMidgey · 01/10/2017 22:11

Names and prams aren't the reality though, and you know that. Do you want the baby even though it means tough times, or do you not actually want to start over and actually have another? It's your body and your choice, and at the moment it's not a baby, it's just some cells. Be honest with yourself, and I'm sorry but stuff your DH's sentimentality. Do you want another child, yes or no?

BewareOfDragons · 01/10/2017 22:16

chitoff, how can it be anything other than her body her choice, even if you include the father in the discussion. In the event that they disagree, someone has to have the final vote, and that someone has to be the person carrying the potential baby.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/10/2017 22:16

I think you risk losing your marriage if you don't tell him. It's a bloody big secret to keep for the rest of your life & bloody big secrets between couples erode relationships.

formerbabe · 01/10/2017 22:19

A quick look online seems to indicate what another poster said, you can contact a clinic direct and have a termination on the NHS ..I also didn't think that was possible but it appears it is. So, first of all, don't worry about the actual practicalities.

I agree it's ultimately your decision. In an ideal world, you'd discuss it with your dh. No one can tell you what to do though irl or on here.

Original poster

Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 22:21

They are confidential, but some lines of work have access to them.

That is interesting re getting one on the nhs.

OP posts:

SquidgeyMidgey · 01/10/2017 22:24

Ok it doesn't automatically go on your record unless you go through your GP. Are you worried about your DH snooping on your file?

SquidgeyMidgey · 01/10/2017 22:24

op not ok

Original poster

Headoverheart11 · 01/10/2017 22:25

The possibility has crossed my mind.

OP posts:

Logans · 01/10/2017 22:27

My only reasons to have this baby are that I think I'd feel bad foe terminating. And also, the logistics of getting to the clinic and paying for the termination without DH knowing would be tricky.

I'm sorry, but neither of the above sound like good reasons to have a baby IMHO.

RedastheRose · 01/10/2017 22:28

This is your decision and your reasoning for not telling your dh are very valid. You can get a termination on the NHS through a clinic without going via your own gp but really you need to talk to someone to help you decide what you want to do first. It is not an easy thing to do and you may feel guilty you may also always feel that you made the right choice whichever way you decide to go. You may have heavy period type bleeding for several days afterwards and need to rest so you have to work that into the logistics (depending upon how far along you are). Good luck whatever you decide.

SquidgeyMidgey · 01/10/2017 22:29

Is he a doctor/nurse? That's awful in so many different ways. If you decide to terminate and go straight to a private clinic they advise you to let them pass notes to your gp in case of complications but you can absolutely refuse and they can't tell anyone, ever. I'm sorry you're in this position. Do what is right for you, not your DH

chitofftheshovel · 01/10/2017 22:32

Just to clarify what I meant in my previous post as it seems to have been taken in a way I did not intend (I fully accept that was bad wording on my part).

Yes, ultimately it is OP's choice, but it is a pretty massive family decision which ideally should involve both people.

OP you seem to be between a rock and a hard place. But could you really live with yourself if you had an abortion without discussing it with your DH? If you think you can then do whatever you think is right.

I think it's simplistic to say you are allowing a man to dictate what happens to a woman's body.

EmeraldIsle100 · 01/10/2017 22:33

If you want to have this baby have it. Unless you are penniless there is a chance your finances can improve. You will probably have to work but you can do it. Your DH will have to try to get more stable work but again that's not impossible.

You are bound to be in shock but things can and do get better.

If you really don't want another baby and can't face the pregnancy don't have it. You can make arrangements to get to the clinic without him knowing. It might be tricky but you can do it.

I hope you reach a decision soon. It's a very tough decision. Good luck.

cluelessnewmum · 01/10/2017 22:34

Do you feel you would regret it more if you did terminate or if you had the baby?

Do you really feel you can keep a secret that big from your dh for the rest of your life?

Hard as it is I think you really need to visualise each scenario, now and in a few years time.

But if it were me, that big a secret would damage my marriage whether or not I told my dh.

EmeraldIsle100 · 01/10/2017 22:38

To be honest I could carry that secret if I really believed that having another child would put it immense pressure on my family. I would know I did it for the good of my family.

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