please help- absolute agony over decision

[silverbgirl]

I am pregnant with #4. Baby #3 was already unplanned, it was a hell pregnancy my husband didnt want it at all. I tried to have an abortion and couldnt do it. Baby #3 has been a delight and we all love her to bits and its all worked out...until now. She is only 9 months old, we were using protection...I have no idea how this is possible.... but here I am.

Husband and mother are insisting I terminate. I will have no help, (my mother is abroad) We cant afford it, I am so stressed already with 3 I dont know how to cope with two small babies, its like twins. I was let go from my job while pregnant with #3, we are being evicted, my husband is not making enough to support us. In so many ways I agree we cannot cope with 4. I also feel cruel to make my 3 suffer more than we already are.

But I also dont feel I can go through with the termination. It makes me feel sick just thinking about the appointment that is booked for this friday. I cry every day, my husband says it will be fine, but I know I wont be fine either way, baby or no baby I feel my life is over. He might leave us if I dont terminate. I might leave if I do, as I cant seem to cope with either outcome. I have been having suicidal thoughts...I dont want a fourth baby to ruin our family and I dont want to regret and never forgive myself and go into depression over the termination.

I cant sleep, I cant eat as I am so nauseous at 8 weeks.
any and all past experiences or advice so welcome!

As a PP has said, whatever you do, you are likely to regret. Please remember that when you are second guessing yourself in the dark moments that follow - whether you keep the baby or terminate, it will be a hard choice. And it won't be wrong - it will just be hard.

We can only ever try to make the decision that we think is the right one and be kind to ourselves afterwards.

The decision has to be entirely your own. I was pressured into a termination in my late teens. A baby that I absolutely wanted and already loved. I have never forgiven either myself or the person that pressured me, even 16 years later it haunts me. If you want a termination then have one. It just has to be YOUR decision!
As for having 4 young children, it is doable! With support is obviously easier but even on your own you can do it if you want to do it!

You are not a terrible mother at all. You are in an impossible situation. So v sorry that you are having to go through all this.sending a huge hug of support x

What about giving the baby up for adoption? Nobody seems to mention this option. You won't have to have a termination and your family can stay the same. Yes it will be traumatic but not as the bad as the other two options maybe?

cheesy, it's been mentioned a few times if you RTFT. And OP has said it's not an option for her.

I am so sorry Silver your not an awful Mum your a Mum that's been stretched as fas as she can and is still trying to what is best for her family

This is so right. I am sorry you are going through this. FWIW I would do what you are doing. I have had a termination without any regrets but you, I think, will have regrets. That's not to say it's the wrong thing to do - it is a way of saying this is a very sad situation for you and you are doing all the sacrificing here.

If you do go ahead down this route I would take that as my source of strength - that you were prepared to do this to protect the family you have and that is the very essence of a good mother and an adult and a strong person. You are carrying the pain and sorrow and sometimes that is what a parent has to do.

I hope that doesn't sound trite - you have all my respect.

I had the abortion. It's been the worst days of my life. I am having nightmares. I hate my husband for making me do it. I cry 4 x a day and I am finding it extraordinarily difficult to function. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am trying to plan how to divorce but I have no money and no where to go so I don't want to do that to my kids. So I am sleeping on the sofa and it's making them worry. I feel guilty for making them upset too.

Can I ask any of you with children... what do I tell them? They are worried about me and keep asking what's wrong? They keep asking my why and am crying? I just tell them don't worry, mummy is sad....but I can't keep on like this.

My friends are asking me out and I am cancelling all plans.... I can't fathom the idea of seeing anyone.

Do I get on anti depressants? Will they be strong enough to numb me ? I was always against them as I have had friends who became addicted and found it hard to come off. Does anyone have experience with this?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Please go and see your GP. I was in antidepressants for a year for different reasons and they really really helped. You can't sit and suffer on your own. Have you been offered any counselling or support at all?

OP I am sorry things are so tough for you.

I was not in the same situation at all but I just wanted to share that when I had a tfmr at 16 weeks I couldn't stop crying for a month. I didn't even try. I just let it all wash through me. Obviously it's harder with children around but I just wanted to tell you how it was for me. It's a huge deal physically let alone emotionally plus you have all the other sorrows you are facing too.

Tell the children you are poorly. They understand illness - mine do anyway. Tell them you need some time to get better but you will get better. Then let your husband worry about them and you focus on you. And yes, go to the GP asap. Everything else can wait - don't rush into anything. But go to the GP and get some support.

Hi silverbgirl I'm recently back on here and your post has made very upsetting to read. Thank you for being brave enough to share it with us. The pressure you were put under, especially by your husband, was disgraceful, and he isn't worthy of you wasting any of your love and efforts on. Concentrate on you and your children, and I wish you all the very best while you recover from your situation xx

Husband is not helping at all.
He simply reminded me again that he would have 100% left if I didn't do it. It just hurts me even more.

He tried comforting me the first day and since then had just ignored me. We don't even speak... he rushes out to work, comes home, eats and goes to bed.

I want to help my kids but I have no where to go. I feel I am letting them down too as I can barely stop crying long enough to feed them dinner etc

I had low self esteem before all this and now I hate myself beyond belief. My family is ruined and I don't know what to do

I really hope your husband has booked a vasectomy - no way should he risk putting you through this again. And if you do split up he'd be an utter bastard to have further children with someone else.

Yeah. It's booked. October 4th

Am I wrong to be blaming him? I think I am more angry at myself for giving in to his threats and pressure.

It's just I don't see us ever getting past this. I can't even look at him.

Thanks 'brand new'

I do need to sleep, but it's so hard with a splitting headache.

silverbgirl us blokes are not all the same and I think he is to blame. Putting pressure on someone for something like this is bullying and manipulative . And as for you sleeping on the sofa that's appalling.

Silver, u need to talk with someone. I was the same after mine and no one forced me crying, nightmares nit eating, not sleeping, I was sent home from work, ecr, many reasons for mine, one was my relationship, firstly, u cant blame anyone, its not ur fault, its not ur husbands, dont hate yourself, ur a great mother, a caring person, which is why your so upset, your hormones are all over the place, you need to give yourself time to let them get back to normal. Mine are just getting there its been four weeks. I dont think any woman has a termination and feels nothing, I think its very normal to be upset, some people are more sensative than.others, I thought I could handle it, but I was so upset, let your emotions out. my partner is not very supportive, he told me to basically shut up when I told him how I felt, but I dont hate him, dont hate anyone, it wont help, forgive yourself, forgive others, ur living children need their mum, many many women make this hard choice, ur not alone, ur doing your best. I wish u the best. Xxx u can get over this. X

thinking on divorce ect is not healthy for you atm, men are more logical than emotional, I am sure he only is doing what he thinks is best, and wasnt trying to hurt you, u need support, try not to push him away. I think a big part of forgiving yourself is forgiving others, remember all your reasons for doing it and move forward. Start eating little bits u need your strength. X