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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

please help- absolute agony over decision

70 replies

silverbgirl · 03/09/2017 16:09

I am pregnant with #4. Baby #3 was already unplanned, it was a hell pregnancy my husband didnt want it at all. I tried to have an abortion and couldnt do it. Baby #3 has been a delight and we all love her to bits and its all worked out...until now. She is only 9 months old, we were using protection...I have no idea how this is possible.... but here I am.

Husband and mother are insisting I terminate. I will have no help, (my mother is abroad) We cant afford it, I am so stressed already with 3 I dont know how to cope with two small babies, its like twins. I was let go from my job while pregnant with #3, we are being evicted, my husband is not making enough to support us. In so many ways I agree we cannot cope with 4. I also feel cruel to make my 3 suffer more than we already are.

But I also dont feel I can go through with the termination. It makes me feel sick just thinking about the appointment that is booked for this friday. I cry every day, my husband says it will be fine, but I know I wont be fine either way, baby or no baby I feel my life is over. He might leave us if I dont terminate. I might leave if I do, as I cant seem to cope with either outcome. I have been having suicidal thoughts...I dont want a fourth baby to ruin our family and I dont want to regret and never forgive myself and go into depression over the termination.

I cant sleep, I cant eat as I am so nauseous at 8 weeks.
any and all past experiences or advice so welcome!

OP posts:

misslost · 04/09/2017 09:36

To think and someone good to talk to. I think you need to find that. You need this choice to come from the clear thinking you, and you need support. xx you are in a very hard place, no denying that, I really feel for u. Dunno where u live but id be more than willing to help u out with ur kids! xx good luck xxx what ever choice u make just be 100% sure its right for you.

SparklyMagpie · 04/09/2017 09:39

Agree with misslost would you be willing to say or send a PM roughly with where you are. If you're not too far I'd be happy to meet with you for someone to talk to x

misslost · 04/09/2017 10:21

Also you need to ask yourself what your own moral cutt off point is?

Original poster

silverbgirl · 04/09/2017 12:32

Matters have gotten worse. Husband saying the baby will destroy us and he will leave.
And yes it matters if I have my mothers support as I may not have my husband and have no brothers or sisters and no family to help me other than my mother.

On top of that I realised I got a 'free scan' to date the pregnancy from an anti abortion clinic and I now am thinking that may have even lied about the dates. I have no clue how far along I am and won't know till the actual appointment Friday.

And praying that it's less 8 weeks, but freaking out if its much more!!!!

I know many people will just say my husband is a horrible person for threatening to leave but it's just how strongly he feels we can't cope with 4 and I agree! And he is going to the doctor this week to arrange the snip. He had been considering it for years but I have no idea why he didn't. I guess we just trusted pills and condoms.

I also know I can't give the baby up for adoption. No way. I can't keep 3 and tell my 8 year old I just didn't want #4. Plus the bond is too strong.

And what if I am a single mum of two kids and two babies and unemployed with no savings and no family to help me!?!?!? I can't do that to the 3 I have. I feel I have to save what little I have to protect them.

But I also feel this abortion will destroy me as a person. I guess I have to take that burden instead of put it on my kids. 😢 This is so horrible, I can't get out of bed today.

OP posts:

Boatmistress17 · 04/09/2017 13:47

Being a single parent with 4 isn't the end of the world.
If your dh guilts you into an abortion the resentment you will feel towards him will end your relationship anyway.
I would rather have 4dc than 3 and a twat dh. .
In fact did finish dh and had 4 dc on my own. . .

Branleuse · 04/09/2017 13:51

I would have a termination in your shoes. DOnt punish yourself. Another baby will split up your family and risk your mental health which already sounds fragile. A termination will be sad, but its not the end of the world. I had one and never regretted it. Most people dont regret it. Its not a sentient being yet. Your existing family, you and your partner are

Blossomdeary · 04/09/2017 14:24

" I also feel this abortion will destroy me as a person" - that is a very powerful statement OP.

misslost · 04/09/2017 14:39

Silver, I do feel very sad for you. My situation wasnt even as bad as yours, I just freaked out over a third. Im abit of an older mother and since the birth of my second I have had health issues and no support with the ones I have, I am also on my own with them much of the time as my husband works away often. I had a medical termination, I was roughly 7 weeks, I didnt see any fetus pass, the pain wasnt bad, I didnt take pain killers, the physical side was not bad. Emotionally I was quite upset, I am getting help, I do feel regret, I wont lie, I am starting to get back to normal. I see a lot of babies and pregnant women at work, I have been fine with them. If you go a head with a termination you really need to make sure you have the help and support you need to recover. I was also told that if you are being pressured they wont go ahead with the termination, and they see you alone. You just need to be 100% sure, its a choice you live with forever, as I will, but yes, life goes on, I have to carry on for my family. I just worry because you seem forced into this, mine was my choice, as mad as I was at the time no one forced me. If your partner forces you, you could end up resenting him, ur in a rock and a hard place, but you need to do what is best for you, its your mind, your body.

Branleuse · 04/09/2017 14:54

why would an abortion destroy you as a person?? You just wouldnt be pregnant anymore. The same as a few weeks ago. It sounds like youre overwhelmed and catastrophising.

misslost · 04/09/2017 15:26

Bran, abortion isnt as simple as "im not pregnant anymore" its a loss, there are many intense emotions, its a very very difficult choice for any woman to make.

Original poster

silverbgirl · 04/09/2017 15:38

Destroy me- well. It's just not something that sits well with me. I will fill my head with self hatred, I will resent my husband for not just saying 'we will find a way to manage'...
I already feel so depressed and not able to function just leading up to it, I am afraid I will be worse after.
I think it may destroy our marriage and I will never forgive him or myself and I will be on my own with nothing but mouths to feed and no job. I have no idea how benefits even work in London but I know my borough has 3 year waiting lists for suitable housing.... I guess I just see such a negative future and I think 3 is already too much to manage on my own, 4 only makes it more desperate.

I can hope that everything turns around and my family stays as is and we manage to pull out of the financial hole and we are happy. But if that happens then I will only feel even more regret that we are on our feet again and we could have some how managed.

The what ifs are killing me. I know logically I need to live in the present but it seems impossible now.

OP posts:

Backingvocals · 04/09/2017 15:48

I think you are going to have regrets whatever you do so in a way you can factor that out. You really don't want a termination and you really don't want 4 children on your own. So there isn't a perfect outcome. I know that's obvious in a way but you need to work out which way you could live with more easily.

I'd be having a termination and living with the sadness over the child that wasn't to be in order to give the other three a better life. But you may come to a different conclusion.

I think you need to work through which of these less than ideal for you outcomes you want. Not sure if that's helpful but it just strikes me that the talk of regret is not helping you - this is a sad situation and either outcome is not what you want so there will be sorrow attached but which way can you build from?

Backingvocals · 04/09/2017 15:50

Sorry you are going through this by the way. I should have said that too.

misslost · 04/09/2017 16:05

I dont live that far from London. Your very different to my frame of mind before mine. I was very much im not doing this" ie having a baby, and the emotions after were intense. I am better now but there arr good days and bad

flapjackfairy · 04/09/2017 18:55

To be honest if my husband wanted to leave me because i wouldnt have an abortion i would hold the door for him and usher him out.
I could never feel the same about him again. The fact that he has already said that would be the end of the line for me. After all he was on the other end of the baby making process !
Not helpful to you i know. So sorry for your pain xxx

Original poster

silverbgirl · 04/09/2017 20:09

Yes. We may indeed be breaking up- that's why I don't think 4 is good for me- as a possible single mum

He also said this with #3... but calmed down and things are ok.

OP posts:

Boatmistress17 · 04/09/2017 20:14

Babies aren't babies for long and you would have 4 dc to love you unconditionally.
Unlike your dh.

notapizzaeater · 04/09/2017 20:16

Nothing constructive to say, you're damned whichever why you go :-(

Backingvocals · 04/09/2017 20:26

I don't think that's right pizza

You are going to feel sad about all the options but you do have a future beyond this juncture. As I've said, there's sadness either way because of how you feel about it but you need to focus on which route you think you can build from.

LynetteScavo · 04/09/2017 20:29

OP, imagine yourself as an 80 year old...which decision would you be happiest looking back on?

Goodasgoldilox · 04/09/2017 20:44

This is a very tough place for you to be in OP - you seem so unsupported and at a difficult time too.

If you are already so distressed by abortion - I'd say that this isn't going to be a solution for you. Like your friend it might be very very difficult for you to get over. It isn't something to go in for when you are already so fragile.

Adoption would also be very distressing - and hard to get over- but at least you could have the comfort of knowing that you had done your best for the baby - and for a childless couple. There are so few babies for adoption and so many desperate couples.

I agree with poster above - think about which you can look back on best in future years.

ohtheholidays · 04/09/2017 21:14

I was a single Mum to 4DC and one was a newborn baby but I'd made the choice to be on my own because my partner at the time was an arse!

Being a single Mum to 4DC for me was enjoyable but I know that feeling is very rare and you have a DH that you obviously love.

I've also had an abortion,I had to at the time and it was bloody hard and soul destroying and I am a Christian but if I hadn't had the abortion mine and my DC's lifes would have been so so much harder.
I was very early on like you,I was at the earliest you could be(and I was using protection)and I'd taken the morning after pill just to be on the safe side,although it was really hard I know it was the only choice I could make for my family.

I really feel for you and I wish there was some way I could help you but just know what ever decision you make will be the right decision for you and there will always be support on here no matter what path you chose to take

Original poster

silverbgirl · 04/09/2017 23:31

Just an update.
Trying to talk to husband is only making matters worse.
We are now 100% divorcing. So his threats worked anyway...

I can't honestly manage a break up and 4 kids on my own. Especially since my mom is not supportive. I am going through with the termination in order to make the three I have suffer a little less.

My heart and soul are broken. I am a terrible mother anyway, I can't even provide for my kids, I shouldn't have another one.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and offerings of sympathy. I guess I am off now to a different message board - money benefits and how to survive as a single parent without a job.

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 05/09/2017 00:31

I am so sorry Silver your not an awful Mum your a Mum that's been stretched as fas as she can and is still trying to what is best for her family.

Your DH is being ridiculous,I've been where you are and I do know how hard it is but you don't just up and leave when the shit hits the fan he needs to grow up and be there to support and help you and his DC.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 05/09/2017 00:37

Not everyone who has an abortion regrets it forever and burns in hell for it. Many people think it is a solution to a problem that they took steps to avoid.

I wish you well,

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