How can I decide whether to have an abortion or a baby?

[Flora87]

I have just found out I am pregnant and cannot decide the best thing to do. One second I am completely sure I should have a termination and the next second I want to have the baby. I only found out two days ago and wondered how anyone ever makes this kind of decision. I'm worried that whichever way I chose I will regret it and wish I had chosen the other option.

For some background me and my boyfriend are both 28. I have a good job and we have been together almost 5 years. I've never been pregnant before. On paper it seems like the usual time to have a baby together. However, our relationship can be quite rocky, we have often broken up and got back together over the last five years, we also do not live together. We used to live together but I now live with my friends as my boyfriend used to become too aggressive and unpredictable when he was drunk and I didn't feel completely safe. This was quite a few years ago though and I don't think he would act like this again (smashing my phone and screaming at me over minor things).

When I found out I was pregnant I was in complete shock. Having a baby together is not something we have ever discussed or thought of doing together. When I told my boyfriend, his first reaction was "I'm not ready for a baby, we can't have it" and he has said he is 100% sure he does not want to have a baby. While I know it is my decision, I wouldn't feel right about forcing him into something he is so against. And I'm not even sure that I want the baby either. But everytime I think I have completely decided on the termination I start thinking about having it again.

My biggest reason for not having it is I'm not sure I want to be tied to him for the next 20 years, share a baby with him and I'm not sure I'm still completely in love with him. He thinks I am having the termination so I don't know what his reaction would be if I told him I was having it. If I do have it I would feel bad that it is such a negative start and it wasn't happy news. If anyone has been in a similar situation and can tell me how they ended up making the final decision that would be so helpful. I've never been this conflicted about anything in my life and the worry is exhausting.

[JollyRodger]

monravaI just wanted to say that I had an unplanned pregnancy and had separated from my dp when I found out. I went on to have a beautiful baby and I wouldn't change a thing for the world! All situations are different but I wanted to share my happy ending. Hoping everything works out for you whichever you decide

[stillvicarinatutu]

i lost a baby t 15 weeks. i found that very hard - seeing her. i suppose qasurgical is different. just be sure. be sure its the right thing for you.

[Monrava]

Thank you everyone. I went to the appointment but couldn't even get myself to go inside, i panicked. I was speaking with my partner, he wants whats best for me, of course he wants the baby but not for the cost of my mental health and he sees what a mess i am in. It would make it easier if any decision we make would be our common decision, but its not an easy one. I made another appointment in 10 days...i will use this time to think. I know noone is able to decide for me, but hearing your stories might offer some insight.
Thank you for being here

[stillvicarinatutu]

sweetie - go get some counselling before you decide. call marie stopes. x

[Monrava]

I did already. The lady was lovely, listened to everything that is going on in my head.
The thing is that im completelt torn : i know my situation is not stable, and i don't want to bring a child to a world where i can't give it a full family...on the other hand i want it anyway and years of living in a country where abortion is illegal and considered a worst possible sin has taken their toll as well and that makes me feel guilty for even considering that.
I guess i will ask for some more counselling, as i still have time.
And on Monday i will have my first visit with midwife and possibly a scan, maybe that would clear my head a bit.

[thezappa]

Hi, what did you end up doing?

I am pregnant for the second time. I got an abortion back in 2014 which was hard to get over but I did.

Now I am pregnant again with the same man, we are now married but we can't afford a baby. I just moved to be with him in another country and am still not allowed to work. I would probably get my work permit about 4 months into the pregnancy but no one would hire me.

I just don't know what to do. I have the appointment booked in over 2 weeks time and I keep changing my mind. I don't know what to do. What do others do when they can't afford it and can't work?!

[Solasum]

Thezappa babies don't have to be expensive. Had you ever discussed children with your husband before you married?

[Monrava]

Thezappa,dear, the past few months have been very emotionally exhausting for me.
I was fighting my thoughts for a lond time. I had abortion booked, which i didnt tell my partner about. It was horrible having to make that decision on my own. I drove to Marie Stopes...but i could't do it. I was crying so heavy, and wasn't sure if its stress because of such a deciosn or maybe because part of me didnt want to do that. I also felt i have to tell my partner that this is what im planning to do, because after all it was his decision as well. I got back home, waited for him to get back home and gathered all my courage to tell him that i was considering terminating this pregnancy. I was anticipating him getting angry...but he didnt. He told me he understands - he doesnt want me to do that but understands. That he is convinced we will make it work, and thought of having a baby with me makes him really happy. That he is also scared, its a huge step,but we could make it work. But he also told me that my happiness and well being is more important than all that and he will support me no matter what. It calmed me a lot.
I decided i will think about it more,but i made clear that im.going to make another appointment( i was supposed to be 18 weeks for the second one) and will give us some time to think it through. ( it was three weeks after my firts attepmt).
We then talked countless times about it. In the end...i didnt do it.
I started to feel baby moving around 16 weeks and it made it more real. But mostly i decided that the fear of how would it make me feel means that i would not cope with the guilt. Plus to bo honest...my boyfriend convinced me that all will be well.
Fast forward to today - i am 24 weeks now, expecting a baby girl, still stressed about a new role,but we are trying to get a mortgage and planning to get married. Our families are helping a lot even though they are far away. Everything is slowly working out, at least i hope !;)
I know how overwhelming it is emotionally to be in a position that you have to make that decision. For me it felt as whatevsr we decide will be both good and bad for us. But once you decide ( whatevwr decision it will be) you can start acting not only worring and it turns out that most of the fears can somehow be sorted. Small steps. You just need to decide on a direction - and then it get easier with every step.
I dont know if that will help you at all. I a still stressed about money, how will we cope, if i will be able to go back to work, and most of all if i am grown up enough to rise a kid. But we decided that instea of worrying about everything at once we will just deal with one problem at the time. And it works!
All the best for you,i will keep you in my thoughts, and if you need to talk more I am here.

[thezappa]

Thank you for your replies.

We had discussed kids and both decided we wouldn't have any.

I just feel so torn. Already I'm nauseous, tired and sore with cramps and I'm only 5 weeks pregnant. I have an abortion booked in 3 weeks time which gives me time to think of what I want to do.

One minute I want the baby and the next I don't. We only have his salary to live off of and its not enough to pay for medical care here in America. Because of my visa we cannot apply for any government help as we sworn his salary could provide for us and I would not become a burden to the State. I am on his work Medical but it only covers 50% of hospital bills so we need at least $10k just for that.

I feel drained and I could sleep all the time.

[RsMomma1413]

I'm in the same situation. I'm 9 weeks pregnant. During those 9 weeks my bf has already busted my nose and thrown me around in several occasions. I know this is the right decision for me. My appointment is tomorrow. I am just so worried I will regret my decision.

[LoveThemWhileTheyreSmall]

This is so similar to my situation 5 years ago I'd be so interested to hear what happened.
For anyone reading this who might be going through the same thing; you absolutely do not need your partner to have a child. I'm shocked that some people have suggested not to have the baby because the dad has been abusive. Does that not undermine her abilities? You as the mother can take measures to protect your child and ensure that it is safe.

Rocky relationships are probably more common than stable ones. Being stuck in this decision is the most harrowing thing I have been through and eventhough I kept the pregnancy and have had an unsavoury relationship with the father; nothing has been any where near as difficult as the deciding. If you feel heavy in your decision my guess is that abortion isn't the right decision. It's healthy to feel fear and it may be the first step in mentally preparing yourself for what will unfold.

I've been there and my advise is; to let it be. You don't have to have the answers now. You don't have to know what will happen with your relationship or if you will be ok. The answers will come. Just keep going one day at a time; you are in a transition period.

My son is 4.5 now and has brought me more joy than anything else ever could have. I can't believe I nearly traded him in for travelling the world and a few more years partying. Believe me when I say; nothing compares. He/she is your life lesson waiting to unfold.

I have brought him to craniosacral therapy where he told his story of feeling rejected in the womb. He couldn't find his way out until I went and freed him out of the 'hole he fell in'.

They are connected to you right from the get go❤ keep going. Love to you.

[huggy1982]

Not true. I used them after the loss of two of my babies through miscarriage and they were the most, caring and compassionate people I have ever met. NO judgement. They also do non-directive, person-centred counselling which means they cannot give direction on abortion either way.

[stillvicarinatutu]

Op
It
Doesn't matter what anyone else would do - this is you're decision.

You've only had 2 days to let it sink in - ring a Marie stopes and get some urgent counselling. Talk and talk and talk until you're sure what's right for you .

[stillvicarinatutu]

Just seen the age of this
Thread - sorry .