How can I decide whether to have an abortion or a baby?

[Flora87]

I have just found out I am pregnant and cannot decide the best thing to do. One second I am completely sure I should have a termination and the next second I want to have the baby. I only found out two days ago and wondered how anyone ever makes this kind of decision. I'm worried that whichever way I chose I will regret it and wish I had chosen the other option.

For some background me and my boyfriend are both 28. I have a good job and we have been together almost 5 years. I've never been pregnant before. On paper it seems like the usual time to have a baby together. However, our relationship can be quite rocky, we have often broken up and got back together over the last five years, we also do not live together. We used to live together but I now live with my friends as my boyfriend used to become too aggressive and unpredictable when he was drunk and I didn't feel completely safe. This was quite a few years ago though and I don't think he would act like this again (smashing my phone and screaming at me over minor things).

When I found out I was pregnant I was in complete shock. Having a baby together is not something we have ever discussed or thought of doing together. When I told my boyfriend, his first reaction was "I'm not ready for a baby, we can't have it" and he has said he is 100% sure he does not want to have a baby. While I know it is my decision, I wouldn't feel right about forcing him into something he is so against. And I'm not even sure that I want the baby either. But everytime I think I have completely decided on the termination I start thinking about having it again.

My biggest reason for not having it is I'm not sure I want to be tied to him for the next 20 years, share a baby with him and I'm not sure I'm still completely in love with him. He thinks I am having the termination so I don't know what his reaction would be if I told him I was having it. If I do have it I would feel bad that it is such a negative start and it wasn't happy news. If anyone has been in a similar situation and can tell me how they ended up making the final decision that would be so helpful. I've never been this conflicted about anything in my life and the worry is exhausting.

[stillvicarinatutu]

Just seen the age of this
Thread - sorry .

[stillvicarinatutu]

Op
It
Doesn't matter what anyone else would do - this is you're decision.

You've only had 2 days to let it sink in - ring a Marie stopes and get some urgent counselling. Talk and talk and talk until you're sure what's right for you .

[huggy1982]

Not true. I used them after the loss of two of my babies through miscarriage and they were the most, caring and compassionate people I have ever met. NO judgement. They also do non-directive, person-centred counselling which means they cannot give direction on abortion either way.

[LoveThemWhileTheyreSmall]

This is so similar to my situation 5 years ago I'd be so interested to hear what happened.
For anyone reading this who might be going through the same thing; you absolutely do not need your partner to have a child. I'm shocked that some people have suggested not to have the baby because the dad has been abusive. Does that not undermine her abilities? You as the mother can take measures to protect your child and ensure that it is safe.

Rocky relationships are probably more common than stable ones. Being stuck in this decision is the most harrowing thing I have been through and eventhough I kept the pregnancy and have had an unsavoury relationship with the father; nothing has been any where near as difficult as the deciding. If you feel heavy in your decision my guess is that abortion isn't the right decision. It's healthy to feel fear and it may be the first step in mentally preparing yourself for what will unfold.

I've been there and my advise is; to let it be. You don't have to have the answers now. You don't have to know what will happen with your relationship or if you will be ok. The answers will come. Just keep going one day at a time; you are in a transition period.

My son is 4.5 now and has brought me more joy than anything else ever could have. I can't believe I nearly traded him in for travelling the world and a few more years partying. Believe me when I say; nothing compares. He/she is your life lesson waiting to unfold.

I have brought him to craniosacral therapy where he told his story of feeling rejected in the womb. He couldn't find his way out until I went and freed him out of the 'hole he fell in'.

They are connected to you right from the get go❤ keep going. Love to you.

[RsMomma1413]

I'm in the same situation. I'm 9 weeks pregnant. During those 9 weeks my bf has already busted my nose and thrown me around in several occasions. I know this is the right decision for me. My appointment is tomorrow. I am just so worried I will regret my decision.

[thezappa]

Thank you for your replies.

We had discussed kids and both decided we wouldn't have any.

I just feel so torn. Already I'm nauseous, tired and sore with cramps and I'm only 5 weeks pregnant. I have an abortion booked in 3 weeks time which gives me time to think of what I want to do.

One minute I want the baby and the next I don't. We only have his salary to live off of and its not enough to pay for medical care here in America. Because of my visa we cannot apply for any government help as we sworn his salary could provide for us and I would not become a burden to the State. I am on his work Medical but it only covers 50% of hospital bills so we need at least $10k just for that.

I feel drained and I could sleep all the time.

[Monrava]

Thezappa,dear, the past few months have been very emotionally exhausting for me.
I was fighting my thoughts for a lond time. I had abortion booked, which i didnt tell my partner about. It was horrible having to make that decision on my own. I drove to Marie Stopes...but i could't do it. I was crying so heavy, and wasn't sure if its stress because of such a deciosn or maybe because part of me didnt want to do that. I also felt i have to tell my partner that this is what im planning to do, because after all it was his decision as well. I got back home, waited for him to get back home and gathered all my courage to tell him that i was considering terminating this pregnancy. I was anticipating him getting angry...but he didnt. He told me he understands - he doesnt want me to do that but understands. That he is convinced we will make it work, and thought of having a baby with me makes him really happy. That he is also scared, its a huge step,but we could make it work. But he also told me that my happiness and well being is more important than all that and he will support me no matter what. It calmed me a lot.
I decided i will think about it more,but i made clear that im.going to make another appointment( i was supposed to be 18 weeks for the second one) and will give us some time to think it through. ( it was three weeks after my firts attepmt).
We then talked countless times about it. In the end...i didnt do it.
I started to feel baby moving around 16 weeks and it made it more real. But mostly i decided that the fear of how would it make me feel means that i would not cope with the guilt. Plus to bo honest...my boyfriend convinced me that all will be well.
Fast forward to today - i am 24 weeks now, expecting a baby girl, still stressed about a new role,but we are trying to get a mortgage and planning to get married. Our families are helping a lot even though they are far away. Everything is slowly working out, at least i hope !;)
I know how overwhelming it is emotionally to be in a position that you have to make that decision. For me it felt as whatevsr we decide will be both good and bad for us. But once you decide ( whatevwr decision it will be) you can start acting not only worring and it turns out that most of the fears can somehow be sorted. Small steps. You just need to decide on a direction - and then it get easier with every step.
I dont know if that will help you at all. I a still stressed about money, how will we cope, if i will be able to go back to work, and most of all if i am grown up enough to rise a kid. But we decided that instea of worrying about everything at once we will just deal with one problem at the time. And it works!
All the best for you,i will keep you in my thoughts, and if you need to talk more I am here.

[Solasum]

Thezappa babies don't have to be expensive. Had you ever discussed children with your husband before you married?

[thezappa]

Hi, what did you end up doing?

I am pregnant for the second time. I got an abortion back in 2014 which was hard to get over but I did.

Now I am pregnant again with the same man, we are now married but we can't afford a baby. I just moved to be with him in another country and am still not allowed to work. I would probably get my work permit about 4 months into the pregnancy but no one would hire me.

I just don't know what to do. I have the appointment booked in over 2 weeks time and I keep changing my mind. I don't know what to do. What do others do when they can't afford it and can't work?!

[Monrava]

I did already. The lady was lovely, listened to everything that is going on in my head.
The thing is that im completelt torn : i know my situation is not stable, and i don't want to bring a child to a world where i can't give it a full family...on the other hand i want it anyway and years of living in a country where abortion is illegal and considered a worst possible sin has taken their toll as well and that makes me feel guilty for even considering that.
I guess i will ask for some more counselling, as i still have time.
And on Monday i will have my first visit with midwife and possibly a scan, maybe that would clear my head a bit.

[stillvicarinatutu]

sweetie - go get some counselling before you decide. call marie stopes. x

[Monrava]

Thank you everyone. I went to the appointment but couldn't even get myself to go inside, i panicked. I was speaking with my partner, he wants whats best for me, of course he wants the baby but not for the cost of my mental health and he sees what a mess i am in. It would make it easier if any decision we make would be our common decision, but its not an easy one. I made another appointment in 10 days...i will use this time to think. I know noone is able to decide for me, but hearing your stories might offer some insight.
Thank you for being here

[stillvicarinatutu]

i lost a baby t 15 weeks. i found that very hard - seeing her. i suppose qasurgical is different. just be sure. be sure its the right thing for you.

[JollyRodger]

monravaI just wanted to say that I had an unplanned pregnancy and had separated from my dp when I found out. I went on to have a beautiful baby and I wouldn't change a thing for the world! All situations are different but I wanted to share my happy ending. Hoping everything works out for you whichever you decide

[peepholepringle]

monrava, I don't have any experience I can share but giving you a little bump up in the hopes that someone who does will see this

[Monrava]

I don't know if anyone is still here, but i am facing the same decision and i don't know what to do. I am 29yo, 15 weeks pregnant with my boyfriend of 6 months who only just recently moved in with me. It wasn't planned, it is too early for me, this relationship only just started and i don't knoe if i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and to be completely honest im not over my past one of few years.
I am booked for a surgical abortion at Marie Stopes on Friday and i cant make a decision. When i first found out im pregnant i was shocked but also kind of happy especially that my boyfried was ( and is) over the moon. Then i went on holidays and only when i came back, he moved in and life kicked in the reality of it sunk in anf i realized that om scared. I dont feel ready, im terrified. I was just about to apply to Uni ( late i know, but i just straighten out my life and was finally ready for it) . For the time being we are living in a share house, only few weeks of being together. I cant really talk to him about that because he doesnt understand my fears, doubts and concerns...but nit much is changibg for him, the hige change is fir me really.
I had three weeks since i bookes the appointment till the surgery. First week i was sure im going to go through with it. Last week i was thinking about keeping the baby, that somehow it will be ok. Now again om back to square one and lean more into abortion. Im afraid i will regret it if u do it, especially that i cant tell him that this is what happening. In the other hand i dont frel ready and im not sure if i love him so spending the rest of my life with him and raising a baby together is something i cant imagine at the moment.
I will add that we are both from abroad so we dont have our families here, so no help here.
If someone is still visiting this thread, maybe will be able to look at the situation from outside and offer some wisdom.
Many thanks

[mygorgeousboys]

Flora87 - I hope you are feeling better. I am aware that this thread was a year ago but I am concerned to hear how you are now. I have experience with many girls who have had abortions and regretted it if you would like to pm me.

[SunshineAgain]

I think the finality of it all is hard, I guess it will just take time. I'm surprised you weren't asked about being sure, I was asked this at least once at every appointment. I really hope you continue to feel gradually better and in time can come to terms with your decision. When you said you didn't even consider termination when you first found out I felt so sad for you, I'm sorry you've ended up here and feeling like this.

Breaking up with your boyfriend just now seems like a tough decision but a sensible choice bssed on what you've said. The only positive thing in this whole situation for me has been that my boyfriend and I are closer than ever, he has really stepped up, taken such good care of me and made an unbearable situation bearable, I couldn't love him any more right now. I'm sure sure you can have a happy pregnancy in the future with the right person.

[Flora87]

Thank you for your replies, I don't know why but it does make me feel a bit better. I have been talking to close friends, my mum and my boyfriend but as none of them have been through anything similar it's hard. Physically I'm fine, just a bit crampy but that's it. I keep questioning why no-one asked me if I was sure, even though it might have made no difference but no-one at the clinic asked and my boyfriend who came with me on the day didn't ask either. When I was in the waiting room it was like I completely disassociated myself from what I was doing and didn't think about it. And I just keep going over and over and over those few hours wishing I had done things differently. I know it's pointless to think like that now because it's done but my mind keeps going there.

Thank you MidnightVelvettheSixth for showing how the other path could have turned out and for your advice. I think I will break up with him if only so that there is a reason for having had the abortion. I just feel like I wasn't true to my own feelings and didn't even admit them to myself because he didn't want me to have the baby although I keep thinking back to those two hours when I was the only person who knew I was pregnant and having an abortion did not cross my mind. Maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me but I think now that all the stress and sadness before I made the decision was actually not because I couldn't decide but because my heart didn't really want to have the abortion.

Thank you for all being so kind to my ramblings and I am just going to try and accept that this is happened and there is nothing I can do about it now.

[MidnightVelvettheSixth]

I took the other path to you Flora, I was in an unhappy relationship, considered the options as you did & I went ahead & had the baby. Four months after the birth it got so bad that I left him. I moved away with a 3 year old & a 4 month old & was a single parents for a while & it was the hardest time of my life. The ex still has access to the DC so he will not be out of my life until DS2 (now 6) turns 18. I still have to see him & be civil to him & pretend to the children that all is good. Its exhausting & every second weekend I rehash all the bitterness & resentment & wishing he were dead. I would not wish this on anyone & I think if you had gone ahead then your future would be similar.

You made your decision & your reasons were good and valid, you are just having a kneejerk reaction to the trauma & yes it will get better. Your response is totally normal to the position you were in. There were no signs from the universe that 'it shouldn't have been' it was just poor staffing or lots of people being ill at once, things that happen every day all over the globe. You are looking for reasons to punish & blame yourself & when no reasonable options are there, you are making them up out of normal events as people do when they wish to find reasons. You may as well say the moon was in the wrong position or that the butterfly in the garden was a sign. Be kind to yourself sweetheart, you are an intelligent rational woman who had an impossible decision yet you had to make a choice. You made it & the natural reaction is to think it was wrong. If you had taken the other way then you would also be thinking it was the wrong decision as well. Be patient & kind to yourself.

And when you feel better ditch the prick of a boyfriend & go and find someone else who you wish to raise to family with & who is fit to be a father. Make some changes, you are young & this bloke really doesn't sound good, you cannot live with him for fear of personal harm & you can't envisage a future with him. Once you feel stronger then make this a turning point in your life, a point when you steered for calmer waters and lived your life how you wanted to

[mellowyellow1]

Flora I felt the same afterwards. I was so low and distraught, I thought I would never recover but I did and went on to have a baby 2 years later.

What you are going through is so hard but it will get better with time I promise.

[SunshineAgain]

Flora I'm sorry you're finding it so tough. I also had my abortion on Saturday and although I was always sure of my decision it's still a difficult and confusing time so I can only imagine how much more you must have going on in your head.

One thing I can be sure of is that there is an adjustment period. You've spent weeks knowing you are pregnant and feeling pregnant and experiencing all the physical changes and now all of a sudden you are not and it's a lot to deal with. I also think it's human nature to want what we can't have. When you weighed up the options you made the best decision you could, now that it's more hypothetical it's easier to wear the rose tinted glasses. I really hope you feel better as time goes on. Have you got someone with you? How are you feeling physically?

[Flora87]

I had the abortion on Saturday and now feel so distraught and like I've made a terrible mistake. My original appointment was cancelled on the day as Marie Stopes said they didn't have enough staff so I rebooked for the following week. I now feel like that was some sort of sign that I shouldn't have done it. On the day while I was waiting I didn't think about what I was doing and I just forced myself to go there and do it and now I wish I would have really thought it through and thought about how I might feel afterwards. I never expected this crashing low I thought I would feel like I did before I found out I was pregnant.

The people I have spoken to say it's just all the hormones and the experience of being in a surgical/hospital environment and that I will feel better soon but I just feel like I'm never going to recover and be ok again. I don't understand because I had three weeks of thinking about it and I still did it. It wasn't a rush decision but now all my reasons for having the abortion seem so stupid and meaningless.

I don't mean to put anyone off if they are also thinking about it. The actual procedure is very quick, everyone at the clinic is extremely supportive and once I had the sedation I don't remember anything. Everyones situation is different but I now just feel so strongly that in my situation I should have continued with the pregnancy. Even if I have children in the future it's like they will never be this one and I just don't know how to get over it. To anyone who has had an abortion in the past, did you feel like this and do you ever feel better?

[missybct]

Ditto Emma, I'm glad you've got in touch and are seeking counselling prior to making the decision (although provisionally booked).

I've had a surgical termination, am expecting my first and am a stepmum, so I kind of tick all boxes I guess

[NameChange30]

Thanks for updating us, I'm so glad you have been in touch with Marie Stopes and will be getting counselling with them.

FWIW I haven't had an abortion but I did support a close friend who had one, we talked about it a lot and I went with her when she had the procedure. She didn't find the decision easy but she doesn't regret it.

Good luck with your decision and we will be here to support you either way.