Abortion at 17 weeks

[Thelittleredhead]

Apologies for what I'm sure will be the rambley nature of this, I haven't slept for 2 days.

I fell pregnant by my ex. We were together 4 years, towards the end of last year we were trying to work things out after he told me he didn't know if he was in love with me any more. We were "dating" and trying to work it out, I had a feeling might be seeing someone else but he denied it. Until i found out that he had been on holiday with her- told me he was going away alone to "do some thinking". We broke up just after that, in the new year. In February - at which point I didn't think he was still seeing the OW- we got drunk and had sex, and I ended up pregnant.

At first I was devastated because I thought I would either be a single mother or have to have an abortion. He told me neither of those things would happen and he would support me. Over time things got worse. He got angry, tried to convince me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. I got as far as the clinic, when I was 8 weeks, and had to leave as I was so distressed. He has called me a few days before and told me I didn't have to do it, he didn't think I should, he didn't want me to, etc. but when I didn't, he was apoplectic and said some really terrible things.

One of his big objections has been that he will want to have a relationship with someone new, and that having a baby with his ex will make that impossible. Turns out "someone new" was this OW who, quite rightly, he assumed wouldn't want to know him after she found out he was still sleeping with me after we had broken up, and that he has had weeks to tell her I am pregnant but hasn't done so.

The last few weeks have been really nice between us and I have finally felt good about the pregnancy, and excited, and supported. However he told her this weekend and, after flying off the handle, she said he could "tell that fucking bitch I'm not going anywhere so she can get used to me being a secondary carer to her child". It also came out lastnight that he slept with her, in my home, way back in July when I was back in the UK (we live abroad) as we thought a bit of space might help us work things out.

I feel betrayed all over again. He lied to me for months and months and months. Called me crazy when I asked if there was something going on. But to find out he had sex with her in my bed, while I was away, sobbing every day and changing in all the ways I thought he wanted...that really hurts. When I yelled at him about it he told me he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so fucking fat and a crap girlfriend (I gained some weight but less than a stone and was never bigger than a size 12, after I had had an abortion and got depressed about it). When I screamed at him he called me a fucking psycho. He has no sympathy for the fact that this is a new bombshell and the home we continue to share now feels completely violated. I didn't sleep all night, I feel sick and awful.

I thought we were going to coparent, and do it well. Now he is being awful to me, has said I have 2 weeks to move out, and that he is going to have a relationship with this OW (for the record, I knew at some point he would be with someone else, which hurt because I still love him, but I can't bear the thought of it being her. She took my partner away from me, to hand my baby over as well would be awful).

I would have no job and no benefits entitlement if I moved back home to the UK, so I feel like if I have the baby I am stuck here, in this awful situation, heartbroken and unable to forgive. I forgave everything else for the sake of the baby but sleeping with someone in my bed and making me feel crazy for even suspecting is unforgivable in my eyes.

I feel panicky and lost and resentful of the baby. I so desperately wanted children, and I'm scared that if I don't have this one I might never have any. I'm 32, single and completely broken. I have had almost a year of heartbreak and pain and it will take a long time to get over. But I am scared that that is a selfish reason to have a baby and that it will be an extremely damaging environment to bring it into.

So, I am considering abortion. I would be around 17+3 at the earliest I am able to do so. I know that is horrific and awful but I don't see any other way. I have a history of depression and I don't believe I can rely on him. I am isolated and every time I think of the OW and of the relationship he and I had it physically hurts.

What should I do?

If you moved back to the UK, you would only have to wait 3 months before you could claim:

• Income-based JSA (before the baby is born)
• Income support, child benefit and child tax credits (after the baby is born)

And if you got your own place (rather than living with your parents) you would probably be able to claim Housing Benefit after 3 months as well.

The one thing you must do is get back to the UK asap. Jobs, plans, income can be sorted at a later date. You can pick up some sort of agency work in the short term if you plan to have the baby. If you do decide to terminate then that will be the first thing to do.
If you have the baby you have at least 5 months before you have to make decisions about his involvement or otherwise.
Get home to your mum. Pack up important stuff, get on a plane.

I think the OP already is home actually, for a friend's wedding. OP, you could just stay!

Ah I think you're right Emma if she travelled yesterday.
In which case, yes, stay. Can you get stuff shipped back if there's anything you need? Get yourself down to the GP and register today.

Run run run run. You will get your heart broken again and again. Up sticks and come to UK , I am not sure why you think you're not entitled to benefits , but I'm sure with family support everything will be ok. It's YOUR choose, forget him. Thankfully you didn't marry so he would have to firstly prove the child was his before he would even have a leg to stand on. I recently helped a girl flee from Europe her abusive ex and we got prohibited steps etc put in place etc so he can't accuse her of kidnap. (He was on birth certificate though) . Leave this ass in the past and move forward. I know easier said than done but staying isn't an option

What country (or area) are you in?

Good work from your mum, she sounds fab. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of about taking help from people who offer it. This is a relatively short time compared to the whole of your life, you will have plenty of time to be independent once you have got beyond this awful time.

You've been treated appallingly, don't underestimate that, you're not being weak.

If it were a best friend offering help and comfort and a place to stay I'm sure you'd consider it, it's no different that it's your parents, it just feels that way. At the end of the day someone who cares about you has it in their power to make you feel better in a shitty situation, and that's worth a lot.

Redhead. My H also couldn't bear people he admired to think badly of him. He had kept the flaunting mainly for the eyes of other junior muppets, to whom he had bad mouthed me (said I was mad, had meltdowns, was a bad wife etc) just to make sure they didn't blame him in any way. I was (still am) MD of the firm and the ultimate boss of all these people so obviously pretty disgusting behaviour. Cruel and spiteful, even.

It was only when his drinking got out of hand in December that he got sloppy and was seen by a couple of senior folk, who immediately tipped me off. Twat. I think his suicide was in part because he couldn't bear the embarrassment of it. Nothing to do with hurting me and the kids, just his image and reputation, sadly. I talked to people he saw in his last week (just after it had all come out) and he didn't talk about the children once apparently; it was all about his job and how i had 'bullied' him for years and was out to 'destroy' him. Actually I had saved him from the bullet because I needed the maintenance and had been trying to get him to leave for months

Your parents and esp your mum sound tremendous Redhead. X

good luck your mum sounds very supportive remember it's all small steps to your ultimate goal x

I wanted to share my experience.

I found out I was pregnant at 23 weeks. With my partner of 3 years. He wanted me t abort dd.
I didn't know what to do, he turned his parents against me and they pressured me. He threw me out, his name was on the tenancy.
I lost my home and my job and drove three hours to my parents with the dog.
They supported me.

Dd was born at 36 weeks, he had moved OW a girl I knew in at 24 weeks.

I ended up getting our own house, I went back to college, I'm a student nurse and I work too.

I took him to court about contact as he and his family harass and bully me. I obtained a court order- he hasn't seen dd now for nearly 18 months his choice. It was about winding me up.

He gets his maintaince deducted from his wages as he was non compliant.

It's been tough, there are times when I've wondered if he was right. He's moved on to another girl now. All I know is that in four years (dd is 4 nearly) I have come so far and none of that would be without dd.

It's been hard being a single mum, but me dd and our dog are a family. W I see my parents once a week. I work hard and we play hard. We have a lovely life and I truly am happy.

I am happy on my own.

I guess the point of my post is to say you have the choices- it's not easy no, but it's not as hard as I thought it would be.
Life has turned out okay, we want for nothing. Dd is a fantastic little girl, happy and everything. If her father did want to see her I would sort it. It's not amicable and I never want to see him again, but dd- she's worth everything!

most of the time

Norfolk, your story is lovely.

It's been hard but not as hard as I thought, I guess I wanted to let OP know that anything is possible

Which part of the world do you livr in? Could he take the child or insist you stay there? If so, all the more reason to come back to the uk before birth. Really look into this as some countries are very restrictive.

Hi everyone, sorry for the silence, was caught up in the wedding etc. It was really tough but I made it through. People kept congratulating me and asking how the pregnancy is going (people who know I'm pregnant but don't know me well and therefore don't know the circumstances) and I just wanted to scream. But I took myself off for a private cry once or twice, fixed on my smile and just put on a show.

My mum is indeed fantastic, as is my dad. They have supported me through so much though, and they are not young. I feel like they deserve a much easier life than I have given them. That said, mum's always said I worry far too much about other people and now it's time to stop.

To those of you who've asked- I live in Germany at the moment. The laws are still just about in favor of the mother but they do encourage involvement of the father as well. If I were to have the baby in Germany I would need his permission to move away, assuming he pursued having his name out on the birth certificate. It's tragic really- I didn't want it to come to this, I wanted us to do this as friends. But he has been so vile and has the capacity to be so cruel- I feel like he will compromise my ability to be a good mother if I stick around, as I will be constantly and repeatedly heartbroken :(.

I just helped a girl come from Germany with her DC, Germany from what I can make out is quite pro-dads. She left a very abusive man and he still hounded her to different countries and now in UK she is safe. If you stay here, have the baby here and don't put him on the birth certificate, there is little he can do.
She is entitled to benefits after 3 months I think, but she got an NI number fast and is able to work here.
Please don't get trapped.

I urge you to go and try and speak to a medical professional before you do anything, with you having depression I'm worried about how you will cope If you abort (I'm pro choice not judging) can't you go and stay with your mum a while? Get some space? Why wouldent you get benefits in the uk? And I assure you that u can find someone new. I suffer with ocd and depression I have a 5 year old and I've met the man of my dreams...you can get through this whatever direction you take

Hi everyone, just a little update.

I have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, just try to forget about the OW and how much it hurts every time I think of how much my exP betrayed me, and do the best I can for my baby. I don't know exactly what that means yet in terms of where I will live, where I will give birth, etc, but I know I need to make the baby, and my own health, the priority, and nothing else.

I have an appointment with a family law specialist next week so hopefully I'll get some answers to a lot of my questions.

Thanks again for all your stories, advice and support. I really needed it!

Brilliant news op glad you made the right choice for you Congratulations and best of luck

Go home to your mum, that's what mums are for.

Have the baby, accept your families support and you will be able to build a solid life for yourself and your child.

Nothing about this man, his family or his country is worth staying for.

Glad you've come to a decision. It'll be much easier to make the other decisions now that one's made. All the best with the rest of your lives

OP, so happy for you.