Abortion at 17 weeks

[Thelittleredhead]

Apologies for what I'm sure will be the rambley nature of this, I haven't slept for 2 days.

I fell pregnant by my ex. We were together 4 years, towards the end of last year we were trying to work things out after he told me he didn't know if he was in love with me any more. We were "dating" and trying to work it out, I had a feeling might be seeing someone else but he denied it. Until i found out that he had been on holiday with her- told me he was going away alone to "do some thinking". We broke up just after that, in the new year. In February - at which point I didn't think he was still seeing the OW- we got drunk and had sex, and I ended up pregnant.

At first I was devastated because I thought I would either be a single mother or have to have an abortion. He told me neither of those things would happen and he would support me. Over time things got worse. He got angry, tried to convince me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. I got as far as the clinic, when I was 8 weeks, and had to leave as I was so distressed. He has called me a few days before and told me I didn't have to do it, he didn't think I should, he didn't want me to, etc. but when I didn't, he was apoplectic and said some really terrible things.

One of his big objections has been that he will want to have a relationship with someone new, and that having a baby with his ex will make that impossible. Turns out "someone new" was this OW who, quite rightly, he assumed wouldn't want to know him after she found out he was still sleeping with me after we had broken up, and that he has had weeks to tell her I am pregnant but hasn't done so.

The last few weeks have been really nice between us and I have finally felt good about the pregnancy, and excited, and supported. However he told her this weekend and, after flying off the handle, she said he could "tell that fucking bitch I'm not going anywhere so she can get used to me being a secondary carer to her child". It also came out lastnight that he slept with her, in my home, way back in July when I was back in the UK (we live abroad) as we thought a bit of space might help us work things out.

I feel betrayed all over again. He lied to me for months and months and months. Called me crazy when I asked if there was something going on. But to find out he had sex with her in my bed, while I was away, sobbing every day and changing in all the ways I thought he wanted...that really hurts. When I yelled at him about it he told me he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so fucking fat and a crap girlfriend (I gained some weight but less than a stone and was never bigger than a size 12, after I had had an abortion and got depressed about it). When I screamed at him he called me a fucking psycho. He has no sympathy for the fact that this is a new bombshell and the home we continue to share now feels completely violated. I didn't sleep all night, I feel sick and awful.

I thought we were going to coparent, and do it well. Now he is being awful to me, has said I have 2 weeks to move out, and that he is going to have a relationship with this OW (for the record, I knew at some point he would be with someone else, which hurt because I still love him, but I can't bear the thought of it being her. She took my partner away from me, to hand my baby over as well would be awful).

I would have no job and no benefits entitlement if I moved back home to the UK, so I feel like if I have the baby I am stuck here, in this awful situation, heartbroken and unable to forgive. I forgave everything else for the sake of the baby but sleeping with someone in my bed and making me feel crazy for even suspecting is unforgivable in my eyes.

I feel panicky and lost and resentful of the baby. I so desperately wanted children, and I'm scared that if I don't have this one I might never have any. I'm 32, single and completely broken. I have had almost a year of heartbreak and pain and it will take a long time to get over. But I am scared that that is a selfish reason to have a baby and that it will be an extremely damaging environment to bring it into.

So, I am considering abortion. I would be around 17+3 at the earliest I am able to do so. I know that is horrific and awful but I don't see any other way. I have a history of depression and I don't believe I can rely on him. I am isolated and every time I think of the OW and of the relationship he and I had it physically hurts.

What should I do?

My family could help, but they couldn't help to fix me. I would still be a single mother, heartbroken and with no prospect of meeting someone new, because let's face it, who wants to be with a stressed, overtired, mother of a young child who hasn't ever properly got over her ex?

You met him right after coming out of an abusive marriage. That's a recipe for disaster in itself. Now you are in the middle of breaking up with him and trying to decide upon another relationship (a baby). Don't do that again. You are hardly in a situation to make such a big decision all alone right now. Talk to family and friends. And attend the wedding with your head high. Afterall, you are facing this for so long and now have decided to come out strong. Take one step a time. Baby first, bonding with baby and enjoying time with your own newborn will heal you if you have been looking so much forward to becoming a mother. Men can come and go. Babies are there for mending your heart always.

It sounds like you do not want to have an abortion. I had one at 8 weeks over ten years ago as a teen and it was horrific.I couldn't imagine having it was 17 weeks or so. If you really don't want the baby (although I think you do) have you thought about adoption? There are lots of families who would love a child.

I think you should go and be with your parents. They sound like they are very supportive and excited about the baby and I am sure they would help you.

A big big hug from me. What a hard time you are facing. And how happy you will be once you are done with this twat and have had the baby.

And I also wanted to say that you will get over your.broke heart in time(especially when you realise what a "catch" he was!) if you want to find someone else in the future then you will. You need to give yourself time to heal and mend first.

And I should have said this: you need to go NC with him essentially. He is having a massive ego boost by having two women fight for him and he I'll try and stop you. But if you ever want to have your sanity back, just go NC and focus on baby. Talk to people you trust in real life. You will come out fine on the other end soon.

I'm a single mum with a twat of an ex. Don't tell him, don't put him on the birth certificate. Tell him you've had an abortion. Keep the child.

You get one good thing from the prick that way.

"Whatever you do, don't choose abortion."

Valentine (and others who have said similar) who on earth do you think you are?!

None of us have the right to tell the OP whether she should get an abortion or continue with the pregnancy. That's her decision and it's wrong to pressure her.

Let's encourage the OP to get support and make her own decision.

"Babies are there for mending your heart always."

This is a load of rubbish. What a burden to place on a child, to expect it to "mend your heart". The OP has to do that herself, through counselling and self-help. If she wants to be a mother, she owes it to her child to look after herself.

As the child of a mother who has had many bouts of depression and been unhappily married, I feel strongly that it is extremely unfair for a mother to place the burden of her happiness on her children.

You poor thing. He sounds awful and I agree that NC sounds very wise. This will hurt for a long time but you will get over it.

I have had a termination at 16 weeks (for medical reasons). I am also a single parent to two DCs. Both were great decisions. I don't regret the termination. I don't regret my DCs. I have a good life. Whichever route you choose you must commit to it wholeheartedly and move on with your life. That can mean a termination if you just can't think how to get to be at peace and have time to heal if you are also being a single parent. Or it can mean becoming a single parent and making that your future path. Either can work, as long as you want it to and are strong enough to put yourself in control of your life.

Hope your path becomes clearer to you.

I totally agree with both of anotheremma's posts. Babies aren't there to fix lives.

Op you need to take some time (maybe with an impartial counsellor who won't try and influence you in any direction) to figure out what you want. If you want to keep the baby there are ways of making it work. If you don't, that's an absolutely valid choice to make too.

Make the decision about whether you want the baby or not first and sort out the details after that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you, thank you to every single one of you. I am sat here in floods of tears reading all your lovely kind messages. Part of me expected to get a load of abuse for even considering abortion at 17 weeks. He has spent the last 24 hours telling me this latest revelation, about the sex at my home, doesn't change anything and I am being pathetic by focusing on it. And that I am being pathetic by focusing on how hurt I am, and that he didn't actually really do anything wrong (oh and nor did she). It's good to know there are people who sympathize and understand that I am in a really painful situation.
And thanks for not sugar coating how difficult either choice will be. I know I need to pull myself together and just make a decision and get on with it, but sleep depravation is making that difficult right now.

I'm frightened that if I go back to the UK to have the baby, he will sue me - he has threatened as much. But if I have it here he can and probably will stop me leaving. I can't just tell him I've had an abortion and have the kid anyway- we have too many mutual friends, and I would want his family involved...they are good people and I wouldn't want to deny my child a relationship with them.

I guess it comes down to whether or not I can bear the idea of handing my baby over every other weekend to the woman who helped him so thoroughly destroy me. Feeling like she has won. And whether I will be able to move on from him if I have his baby.

If you go back to the UK and give birth there it won't be every other weekend though. He'll have to do the visiting and it'll be few and far between. I highly doubt the OW will move countries and set up in the UK just to follow this blokes kid!

And he can't sue you whilst the baby is still in utero as it's your bodily tissue and so is yours. And if you give birth in the UK it is immediately a UK and EU citizen with its own legal rights. If you further choose to leave his name off the birth certificate then he has no parental responsibility and cannot take the child out of the UK. He would legally be the same as a stranger abducting it.

So should you decide to go ahead, having it the UK would be wise. And you very well may get some council accommodation and financial assistance anyway. Coming back penniless and pregnant will get you much more help than just coming back penniless if you know what I mean.

OP, this man is clearly abusive and you need to get as far away from him as possible, physically and emotionally.

I think the best outcome for your mental health would be to move back to the UK, where you have the support of family and friends, and cut all contact with him. If keeping the baby means keeping him in your life, you should think very very carefully about that. FWIW I think no father is better than a father who is abusive towards the mother.

He wont sue you if you move while pregnant. He can only stop you if you do it when baby is actually here I think, and if hes on the birth certificate. Do your research and do everything you can to make it so he cant control you. It doesnt matter if your friends know. What matters is the legal stuff. You can do this. Put on your big girl pants and make your plans. You cant have this guy fucking you over anymore. He will threaten all sorts of shit, but his actual rights can be very very few to non existent here.

How can he sue you though for moving back to the UK? If you mean for the baby then I don't think anything like that could happen. If you are in the UK and he is where you are now then contact would not be every other weekend. Your family are in the UK?

My God, you poor thing.

FWIW, I am a single mum of three under sevens (twat husband had an affair right under my nose at our workplace - which he flaunted whenever I wasn't around - and then killed himself when he thought he might lose his job over it. For lots of other reasons he was a total abusive and quite sadistic bellend; not least because he was a pretty shit parent).

The only good thing about him was his role in producing my lovely kids.

If you are worried about doing it on your own (aside from the emotional stuff), don't be. You can do it on your own. It will be fine. It will be more than fine. Your child sounds like he or she would be deeply loved. You are clearly decent and loving.

Whether you want to do it given all you've been through is another matter. Anyone would understand why you might not want to.

FWIW, I loathe my H but this does not impact at all on my feelings for the kids. He basically vomited on every area of my life (family, work, friends) and then fucked off, leaving me and DC stinking of his sick (my counsellor's analogy, but it's apt). But my children are amazing and I totally forget they are part of him. In many ways it would have been better if he had never been around.

I'm frightened that if I go back to the UK to have the baby, he will sue me - he has threatened as much.

I'd post on legal about that. They were lovely, incredibly sensitive, kind and really helpful when I posted there in a complete emotional wreck moment. Possibly that board (along with the cooking one) is one of the nicest places on MN.

My gut reaction is that as a resident/citizen of Britian (and your child would be too) any legal recourse he has would be subject to British law. And I can't think of any way he could sue you for going home pregnant under that legal system.

But you'll likely feel much better and more secure about that aspect if you hear it from experts in the field rather than lay people who are doing their best guess.

I'll go dig up the link to the board in case you think they might be able to help with that aspect.

Here you go

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters

Ipost, sounds like you've had a thoroughly hideous time as well, I'm so glad you've come out the other side. And all the rest of you who have shared similar experiences.

I spent the evening sobbing on my deeply sympathetic and increasingly angry (with him, not me!) parents. I feel so sorry for them, they have had to watch from the sidelines as he breaks my heart over and over for months now. They have been amazing.

Mum and I had a good chat this morning, she gently but firmly told me I need to start bonding with my baby. Start thinking of names, and chatting to it. And realizing that whatever they do, I can't change it, but I need to be there for my baby, who is relying on me. She said I need to keep a record of all the things he says to me, and get the police involved if I need to, because he is abusing me (I think the bit where he told a pregnant woman who'd had no sleep that she has 2 weeks to move out, just before she set out on a long journey part of which was being driven, really stood out for mum!). She said I can move back home and it doesn't matter that I won't have any income, they will look after both of us, for as long as I need. All, of course, while saying that if I really don't want to go ahead with it, they will support that too.

I don't want to move back home, I want to be independent and provide for my child. i still don't know how I'm going to make this work but, having had a good cry and a long sleep, I have realized I don't think I can go through another abortion and make it out in one piece.

I will never forget all the kind words and judgement-free support and encouragement I got on this board during one of the darkest days of my entire life. Thank you to all of you. It's a tough road ahead but it's one I have to face.

Ps dyls4trevor...my God!! That is awful. I'm so glad you found your strength and have a lovely relationship with your children.

At least I haven't had to put up with him flaunting this. He can't bear the idea of people thinking badly of him so he hides things like this away and lies to his family and friends (none of who even know she exists, or that I'm pregnant). But flaunting it in your workplace?? That's....well, I don't have words for it. Well done on coming out the other side X

Good luck thelittleredhead. There's loads of support on here for anything that comes up on your journey. Relationships is great for advice and support on how to leave an abusive partner.

It's really great your mum is so supportive. Even if you want to be more independent in the long run it's good to know you've got help there now if you want it.

Families are there to help you out when things go wrong so let them. In terms of independence you can get a job for the next few months through an agency surely so you will have income potentially that might help a bit in terms of self respect?

As you say its going to be tough but you will manage.

Good luck OP. You can do this. One kid isnt even that hard. You need to rely on your parents for a while while you get back on your feet. Theres no shame at all x

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
My his is going to be a difficult choice whichever way you go. But the key thing is, it's your body and your choice. Not your mother's, not your horrible ex's, yours.

Choosing to terminate is not something anyone can do for you but there are strong arguments for ensuring you have no ties to this awful man. Equally only you can know how that decision would affect you.

Your body, your choice. Stay strong and do what's right for you.

I'm so glad your mum has been supportive.
I don't see why you can't move in with your parents as a temporary measure while you find your feet?
Do you plan to move back to the UK at all or are you staying in the same country as your abusive ex?
The sooner you move back to the UK the sooner you will be entitled to benefits. And there's nothing to stop you looking for a job (legally you don't have to tell recruiters or employers that you're pregnant before a certain point).