GP appointment this afternoon

[thequickbrownfox]

So, discovered I am pregnant again two days ago. I have a DD (7) and baby of 10months, plus two stepchildren who are regularly with us. Live in a three bed house. The practicalities of another baby are impossible, in terms of space and financially. We're managing nicely as we are, really enjoying our baby and I'm frightened to plunge us into a world of overstretched stress. There are the inevitable challenges of blended families, and I think we are (broadly speaking) on top of those.

The more I think about it, the more I just want this not to have happened.... I'm pro-choice but deeply uncomfortable with the idea of a termination. Yet I think that is what I have to do. I don't think we can cope with another baby and we certainly don't have space for one.

I've been wondering how you are doing, what a lot on your plate.

Chemo, are you serious? I'm so sorry it hasn't been straightforward for you, you have enough to cope with at the moment without that.

I've been so busy this weekend I've barely thought about tomorrow. I think things are fairly rapid though, after the form filling I just take the pill and go home. I have to take baby DD with me and I'll go on my own to this one, dp will come with me on Wednesday which is good. I've bought a book for Wednesday just to try and keep my mind off what's happening if possible. It's strange, I don't feel pregnant at all now, as though in my head it's already over.

I had to go back into hospital today - they are worried it's either an ectopic or a molar pregnancy which means the abortion I had wouldn't have worked as with ectopic, the foetus is not in the womb, and with molar, it's more like the wrong division of cells which go awol in your body and can end up causing havoc... which is why I'd need methotrexate. Path results back on Weds, so will know then if I am a-ok and can go south to see mum or postpone that and get tmt myself.

Good that you are so busy -keep busy! Look after yourself and drink lots of tea and you will be fine. You are doing the right thing for you and that's really the most important thing.

to you both

Thank you srsly, that's so kind. It's bonkers but it's helping to know that people understand. I had a wobbler in the consultation room today but the woman administering the pill was so kind - I expect she sees lots of people in all sorts of states. There were two women who were at the clinic I went to last week who were also at the hospital today. Grim faces - it's hard not to wonder what everyone's story is. I said hello but it's such a strange situation. One woman there alone and one with her husband.

Nothing's happened yet, but I'm feeling a bit off colour, off food - been feeling like that for days though, so possibly nothing to do with the pill.

Ohdear I'll be thinking of you and sending loads of good wishes on Wednesday, I hope you can go on your journey hassle free and see your mum . If it's either thing they suspect, have they filled you in on scenarios and given you an idea of how long it'd take for them to sort things out for you? I really feel for you, you've been through enough without this latest news.

Hope that you're both okay Sounds like you've had a tough time of it ohdear

Ohdear, how did you get on today? Hoping it was good news for you. Very tough day here and emotional house this evening.

Sorry to hear that thequick. You wouldn't be human if this wasn't hard, emotional and deeply shit :( it will get easier, give the dc a cuddle and remember you made this decision for the sake of all your family, you did it for them. Hard decision: right decision. Sending best wishes.

Yep deeply shit is about right. I'm feeling absolutely guilt ridden today. Naively wasn't expecting to be able to see anything and am just feeling heartbroken about it all.

Oh I am so sorry to hear that :( its a really awful thing to go through. Don't go adding guilt or blame into an already crap crap crap situation. You guys made your decision for your family and you must let them support you now, don't carry this alone. It's not your fault and you've done nothing wrong.
It will get better.

quick how are you today? How is your heartbreak? I am down south visiting my mother - unbelievably upsetting to see her like this and of course I'm now wishing I had some 'good news' to tell her that she could look forward to.

Thanks for asking how I was - the hospital managed to find the aborted tissue (I had assumed they cremated it straight away but they leave it for 6 weeks which is v lucky). Very sadly I found out it was a totally normal foetus and so my own heartbreak has been massive as I had hoped that it was an unviable pg (lack of pg symptoms / they didn't see a yolk sack in the bed pan etc). However the good news is that my ongoing high hcg levels are not due to a molar pg or an ectopic (or are 'super unlikely' to be). So I was allowed to head south to find mum and give her some support. I've got to go back for more bloods tomorrow. My bleeding still hasn't stopped (5 weeks now!) and is in fact v watery and yuk. I would welcome a pill to stop the bleeding to be honest. I went into Glasgow Central to get the train on Thurs and went straight into Boots to buy some panty liners as I could feel a gush of blood soaking my pants (tmi?) and of course there was a bomb scare so we were all ushered out and I was a mix between freaked out that I was about to be blown to smithereens and really fucked off that I couldn't get any pantyliners and was bleeding everywhere. 21st century life - not easy.
Anyhow, I know how awful the guilt and grief is and if anyone can give us any advice on how to get over this when we made a 'rational' decision not to have more children that would be incredibly helpful.

Ohdear sorry to hear you're still struggling. Sounds like you're having a right time of it. I hope you're not punishing yourself or feeling guilty as you really need to look after yourself.

The only thing that will make it easier is time and that is really annoying when you want to feel better now.

I really hope the bleeding stops soon and you can put it all behind you

Ohdear, what a nightmare to be caught up in that - we went to Stirling directly after I cam out of the infirmary last Wednesday and I also had a massive flood - luckily I had spare jeans with me but I had to do some immediate jiggery pokery in the car park which wasn't terribly dignified.

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through with your mum, and now to find out the pg was viable. You are right, it is like grief, and I hadn't prepared myself for how profoundly guilty I am feeling. I saw it, too, and am haunted by it. I don't know what I was expecting really, certainly not for it to have arms and legs :(. It's ok most of the time but then the whole thing hits me like a train, what I've done. All the pragmatic reasons for not having gone ahead with it are still there, but at the bottom if it all, I have basically terminated our baby - which is just devastating.

I'm still bleeding too, feeling headachey and very hormonal. I think that's probably just normal but on a couple of occasions I've felt quite overwhelmed by it.

quick it is a small world - I was seen at Larbert. We must both be driving about in our post-abortion hazes seeing the same scenery and shopping at the same supermarkets.
mellow you are right - the only healer is time and one day we will look back and know we did the right thing for us and our families although I cannot believe I will ever lose the regret I feel or the guilt I feel.

My HCG levels are now down to 300 (from initial reading of 1765 at first test which was 3 weeks post procedure). How awful to see what you did - I'm so sorry you went through that. I think it's normal to have these hit by train moments. I am normally ok (superficially) and then it hits me that we had a perfectly normal foetus which we killed. None of our reasons for not having another baby seems good enough to have terminated this one. I have decided to make a little 'memorial' garden for both the baby and in due course, for mum. Somewhere I can sit and think and be peaceful. Maybe in the spring.

All the pragmatic reasons for not having gone ahead with it are still there, but at the bottom if it all, I have basically terminated our baby - which is just devastating.

I totally understand what you are saying as I feel the same. When I terminated on 31st October, it was just so horrific. I believe it was the best decision under the circumstances and was actually more worried about the physical effects than the emotional - I was so unaware as to how up and down I would feel and it's so much worse (from an emotional perspective) than I thought it would be.

Not a single person in 'real life' has said anything negative to me - Everyone - from the medical professionals, to my friends and family who know, to my partner.... they've all been understanding and non-judge mental. It's ME who can't get over the fact that I feel, deep down.. I've terminated our baby.

If I hadn't have gone through this, I would have 'trotted out' (not meant to be insulting) the usual line - It wasn't a baby, it was a collection of cells and being strongly, strongly pro-choice, I still believe a woman should always have the right to choose. However despite knowing I've made the right decision, I feel such guilt and am still finding certain things triggering.

Ohdeargawd - It's interesting you say your HGC levels were still high 3 weeks post-procedure... I 'assumed' my hormones would go back to normal very quickly, however maybe that's not the case.

To both of you guys... You're not alone - It's just such a crappy position to be in and I am hoping for all of us that day by day, we'll stop blaming ourselves or feeling so down and feel more normal and more 'us' :)

Thank you so much, you're right - and I was exactly the same in expecting to be able to handle this rationally and unemotionally, but I'm really struggling with it to be honest. My brothers baby was born during the night last night, and I was very emotional hearing his wife had gone into labour. I'm going to see the baby tomorrow, so just hoping I can hold it all together - welling up just thinking about it. I'm really going to have to try hard to just focus on them and not let my own messy feelings get in the way.

Ohdear we are just east of Edinburgh - so not too far away. That is a lovely idea, to have a little garden for your baby and your mum. It made me very tearful hearing that and also made me think we should do something similar. The date will forever be etched on my mind as its a calendar month prior to dd2's first birthday. I'm now even wondering whether we should plan for another baby - mad, I know.

quick your desire to have another baby is completely normal and has been written about a lot -it's called the 'atonement baby' and it must be a rational way we feel we can make up for what we have done...but in most cases, our original reasons (lack of space etc) will remain unchanged. Give it time before you make that decision! Your little one is not even 1 yet. Good luck with your visit to your nephew or neice tomorrow - that will be tough and I'm not sure I could do it.

I'm having a good day today for once - feeling like I'm here for my 3 wonderful children and can give them all my time and energy and devote myself to them, precisely why I felt I couldn't have a 4th. Not easy though that they are learning about growing families at school and they keep coming home and saying 'mum, we want a baby sister for Christmas!' and I have to think, 'OMG I have just killed her', but smile and say, 'yes, wouldn't that be lovely'. Fucking schools.

Fluffy - sorry - I mean to say, I must be the minority - one of those whose hormones take ages to get back to normal, but I'd say by 6 weeks post event, all hormones should be gone. Feeling emotional and hormonal certainly does not make the post termination recovery any better does it! 6 weeks next week for me...bloods on Monday...fingers X no more HCG / HGC or whatever it's called.

Bloody school indeed, they must realise there's often a lot of heartache attached to having / not having babies.

I've been up since 2am with dd2 today, feeling like a zombie! Was going to try and sleep but ended up catching up on paperwork and then wrapping the older kids presents which I managed to get in Glasgow yesterday. Still a bit to do, but feels good to have at least started! Normally I do it all in a Very Bad Mood the day or two before. They're all at an age where they want from up things all of a sudden...tricky. Dd2 will be lovely and easy though the wee pet.

Heading off to see my brother's tiny new baby now - she is 6lb. Feeling ok so far and managed to have a whole conversation about her this morning with no tears, good sign! Wish me luck.

Hope you've had another good day today Ohdear, and there is light at the end of the tunnel for you.

quick we must be twins. DC3 was up from 3am-6am this morning absolutely howling, and I suspect all because she went to bed with a balloon in her room and I removed it thinking if she woke and could see it she'd want it and would howl. She howled because it wasn't there, and didn't stop howling until she got out of her cot and saw the balloon outside her room. Nursery gave it to her yesterday. Fucking nurseries.

Oh, and do let us know how your gorgeous new neice is.

Well I typed out a whole long response yesterday while DD1 was at gymnastics, and the screen refreshed itself just as I was finishing so I lost everything! So sorry for the slow reply.

I must have roughly a thousand balloon-related tales to tell from DD1's younger years. the problem with the bloody things is that they POP and float away, causing untold grief and mayhem in their wake. There's no greater spite at that age than to pop another kid's balloon !

DN was absolutely lovely -teeny tiny! AND I managed to get through the whole visit with no tears (tufty badge for me!). Made me very envious going to see them. They have a very straightforward family situation though, it's not complicated/blended like ours.

I am feeing ok-ish. Met my sister and old friend yesterday afternoon for a while which was lovely and relaxed. Good to get out of the house as my DSC are here this weekend. They are pretty challenging (to say the least) so I am getting through the weekend, just. I'm just not in the frame of mind for the sprawling mess and bad attitude. DP is probably getting some comfort from them being here and I know it is awful to say so, but I'm feeling the opposite.

We are having a complete disconnect over how I am feeling about the termination, I think my sadness is almost irritating to him. So I am literally just staying out of the house (luckily I have a busy weekend anyway) and headed to bed early with a book last night. I'm feeling pretty antisocial and tearful at points, not chatty and just generally a bit shit!

Yesterday we were chatting about kids, just in the context of my brother's new baby and my friend was saying she is having to have IVF. Then there was a whole conversation about how they can't see me being finished having kids yet, I am so natural with babies, blah blah. I've had the same conversation about three or four times this week, it's really difficult to know how to handle that. Just makes me feel pretty wretched.

Thank heavens DD2 has let me sleep for the last few nights and in fact she wasn't up until 7.45 this morning! So at least I'm well rested which does help!

Good to hear your news Quick, glad the visit went well. I totally know what you mean about heightened awareness about inappropriate conversations. When I was pg with this one, I must have had five or six people ask if I was pg, or commenting that I should be, including my children begging for a new baby sister. I don't know what it was, but a random collection of people just seemed to think (rightly) that I was. I wasn't giving off any 'I'm pregnant' vibes or comments, as I knew we were going to terminate. Dh thinks I was just being sensitive.
I have had two major melt downs on dh now, both times unfairly blaming him for 'making me terminate' but we have worked through that now and what I do blame him for is that he didn't get the snip after dc3 was born, despite being sure he didn't want more kids. (I grow ectropians if on any hormonal contraceptive and had a coil but it migrated and had to be removed under a GA, so I feel I have explored all my options). I also had a pg scare in May and asked if he would get one and he said he would think about it, but didn't do anything about it. So my anger and hurt is wrapped up in his irresponsible shitty male attitude in not protecting against this situation, more than him being 100% for aborting this one. I can only say that being in such an emotional state about mum (who is really not doing well) has driven me so down that I have felt I have nothing to lose by telling him exactly how I feel and how let down I have felt. He accepts full responsibility for not getting the snip and feels appalling that our marriage has been so compromised by this, which could have been easily avoided. I would encourage you to talk, yell, cry, throw plates at the floor, scream, get it off your chest. Avoiding him or the topic of how you feel isn't going to magically make things better and could drive a rift between you.
Did you see in the news yesterday that a pro life lunatic went into an abortion clinic in America (Colorado?) and killed five people, injuring nine more. I had bloods taken again today, last reading (from last Monday) I was down to 300. Pg tests are positive over 5, so I have a fair way to go, but heading in the right direction. My poor arm though! Keep strong and have a good fight discussion with your dh and you will feel better.

Ohdear great news that your readings are improving - how long do they think it'll be until you're back to normal?

I'm feeling a lot better today - bleeding diminishing and headache less awful. Had a major Vesuvius moment on Monday morning, which probably did help release some tension tbh! Seems to have cleared my head a bit.

And yeah, I did hear that in the news - bloody awful, all those poor people who will have been in pieces and stressed out of their minds anyway. You can't turn the news on these days without hearing something along the same lines - world's gone crazy it seems.

Is your DH going for the snip now, after watching you go through all of this?

He is yes...is yours?
My readings are now down to 135 (yay) but still bleeding, now heavily again. I'm so tired of wearing blood soaked panty liners. Has now been 6 weeks. I'm being monitored by the hospital and they know about it.
Once the bleeding and blood tests stop I'll feel I can draw a line under it. Really do regret not having the surgical option though.