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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

I don't know where to turn

101 replies

dirtyfabulous · 26/07/2015 19:22

I don't know what to write. I found out today I'm pregnant. I have 4 young children, recently started having panic attacks & am not long over pneumonia which I was hospitalized for. My mental state is so bad lately I was considering medication.
I'm a mess.

I did a digital test. 3+ weeks. Last period mid June. I'm living in Ireland. It makes it all harder.
I know I cannot endure pregnancy birth and newborn with 4 other children. I hate myself for being so stupid.
I'm do frightened. I looked at Marie Stopes website, medical abortion available in Belfast. I will call them tomorrow.

I'm so unbelievably terrified. Terrified of how this will change me afterwards.
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from posting here, my DH is not speaking to me really. He's in shock I suppose. I can't talk to anyone about this IRL. It's only been hours since I did the rest but ive been concerned about my lack of AF but was putting it down to the fact my mental state has never been so bad.
Thanks for reading

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ImperialBlether · 26/07/2015 19:26

I'm so sorry. I would just accept I was going have a horrible week ahead, grit my teeth, make the phone call, go to the clinic then rest assured I'd done what was best for my family.

Flowers

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YeOldeTrout · 26/07/2015 19:28

Sorry that you are going thru this. Flowers

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Peppasmate · 26/07/2015 19:32

What's your DH views on another pregnancy?

I think the most important thing is for you to be able to talk to someone who is totallyimpartial.

Sending u hugs.Flowers

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Thurlow · 26/07/2015 19:41

Flowers for you. And possibly Cake too

It is terrifying. And what makes it so hard is that it is rarely an easy decision to make. So it's normal to be scared, and normal to feel how you are feeling now.

You weren't stupid to get into this situation. It happens to thousands of women every year. Please don't beat yourself up about this having happened.

Marie Stopes will be able to help you. Please do call them tomorrow, they can talk through the options available to you and help you make sure that you are as comfortable as you can be with the decision you make. And remember that it is ok to be not happy with the decision you make; in this situation, often it is the least worst choice and as Imperial says, it is sadly going to be a tough few weeks.

But there are plenty of people here to listen to anything you want to so, and to hold your hand through whatever decision you make.

If you need help from Irish MNetters there is an ongoing thread on this board, and someone there should be able to give you some practical advice.

Lots of virtual hugs for you. Please keep talking to us if you want to x

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dirtyfabulous · 26/07/2015 19:59

Oh thank you all. I feel like I don't deserve such kindness.
My heart is broken Sad

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dirtyfabulous · 26/07/2015 20:04

Peppasmate we haven't had a conversation about it, aside from what the hell are we going to do be hasn't said much. I know he doesn't want another child though. The truth is I don't think we could cope either.

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Thurlow · 26/07/2015 20:10

Of course you deserve kindness. Shitty things happen. They're horrible, but they happen and they're not just immediately someone's fault.

Try and take a step back, if you can, and imagine if you were reading your story from someone else. Would you be calling them stupid? I doubt it.

From experience, I think it can be harder for men to say what they honestly feel. As in, a decent man who loves his partner knows that if he gives an opinion that's the opposite to hers, it could be very painful for everyone. You are the one who is pregnant and has to go through something, after all. He could be scared of what feels like asking you to go through an abortion. He could be waiting for you to say what you feel first - which is awkward, because you want to know what he feels too.

This is day one. There is plenty of time. Today you're going to be scared and confused. You have the time to try and stop and think and talk about this.

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UrethraFranklin1 · 26/07/2015 20:17

Contact the abortion support network on 0044 7897 611593. Its a uk number but they will call you back to save you the cost of the call. They will provide you with all the info you need about travelling, as well as listen and give non judgemental advice. They can even support you with accomodation or help with costs if you have financial trouble accessing services.
There are options for you and there are people who can help. Give yourself a couple of days to absorb and start breathing again. Give himself the same,its a shock for him too. It will be ok, promise.

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Enormouse · 26/07/2015 20:39

Hi dirty, first of all my love to you.

I am a poster from northern Ireland who travelled to Liverpool for an abortion.

If you need any help with the practicalities or just a sympathetic ear, I'm here.

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dirtyfabulous · 26/07/2015 23:10

Thank you all. It really helps to have the support on here.
We had a long talk. I will be calling the clinic in Belfast tomorrow morning.
I know that this is the right decision for my family, my youngest is 20 mths & such hard work. I already feel guilty about not giving everyone enough time& attention. My children are at the forefront of my mind when making this horrible decision. But there's that voice in my head telling me that this one is my child too and why am I doing this. I'm sorry if this is inappropriate.. These are the thoughts whirling around my head between the tears, through the tears.

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Enormouse · 27/07/2015 07:28

dirty it's possible to feel guilty and sad about the decision and still have it be the right one for you and your family.

Marie Stopes Belfast. Hopefully, making the call will stop things whirling through your head so quickly and give you some options going forward.

Good luck and all my love Flowers. You can pm me if you need to.

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dirtyfabulous · 27/07/2015 09:23

I called Marie Stopes this morning. The call centre I was put through to informed me it would be next to impossible to obtain a medical abortion in Belfast. I would need to prove the pregnancy was a danger to my health or is making me suicidal. Then a doctor will get back to me at some point to tell me if I'm deemed an acceptable case for treatment in Belfast.
I'm devastated at this phone call.
I'll need to look at travelling to UK. How long would I need to stay? Overnight or can I get home the same day?
I feel broken

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UrethraFranklin1 · 27/07/2015 10:27

Call the number I gave you above. They can tell you the entire procedure and help you to arrange the travel etc. Belfast is generally not an option from Ireland.

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MayoforSam · 27/07/2015 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thurlow · 27/07/2015 10:38

Yes, call the Abortion Support Network. There are charities and individuals who can support you to come over to mainland UK.

I'm sorry this is what the situation is for you.

Fwiw, in case it helps, my DD was 20 months when I made the same decision. Sometimes you have to focus on the family you already have and what is best for your children x

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dirtyfabulous · 27/07/2015 12:15

Thank you all.

I phoned BPAS this morning. I have a telephone consultation booked for Monday 3rd& provisional appt booked for Wed 5th August. I feel like I'm in a bad dream I can't wake up from. It feels like so long away.

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Enormouse · 27/07/2015 12:54

It's going to be ok. Flowers

I used asn, they are fantastic and helped me when I was at my lowest. If you need financial or travel assistance call them first.

When I travelled I went on the 6am flight and came back on the last flight of the day. And I had a surgical abortion with GA. I didn't need to stay over and was fit to travel.

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dirtyfabulous · 27/07/2015 13:07

Thank you Enormouse. I was wondering about the timings afterwards with regard to coming home. I'm worried about there being a problem at home with excessive bleeding for example. What happens then? I suppose I can ask the nurse next Monday

How are you doing now? Do you ever get over something like this? I'm sorry if that's an intrusive question.

I read the E booklet the clinic sent. It's very distressing. I need to appear normal for the DC. My DS is 6 tomorrow & so excited. This is so hard

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Enormouse · 27/07/2015 13:21

I didn't bleed very much straight away, like a heavy period really and passed clots a few days later. They'll give you numbers for aftercare and they won't send you home till you're ready. The nurses at Liverpool were lovely and they have a lot of women coming in from ROI and NI. I recognised about 4 at the airport.

I'm ok now, my procedure was in January. I found the days leading up to booking the appointment and evaluating my options the hardest. I just felt blind panic and fear. But I had a 3yo with additional needs and an almost 1yo and once the worry about the practicalities had faded away and I started to feel calmer the decision felt more right. At least for me. At the airport on the way back I felt nothing but relief.

I felt like a zombie. But I rang asn on new years eve and then went out and celebrated with my boys. It felt like a weight had been lifted. Take a deep breath and do whatever you feel able to do. Enjoy your dses birthday if you can. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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Thurlow · 27/07/2015 14:15

I also found the waiting for the appointments much harder than anything afterwards. For me, making the decision and getting booked it was hardest; once the decision was made, the procedure itself seemed less difficult.

I didn't bleed too much during the first 24 hours. Big thick pads and plenty of ibuprofen. Dark trousers if you are worried, with something to change in too, I imagine. But the first few hours were not too bad.

It is hard Flowers Right now, put the telly on for the kids, and spoil them with cake and chocolate to keep them amused if you want to. Take some time.

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dirtyfabulous · 27/07/2015 14:25

Thank you for sharing that with me. Blind panic & fear is exactly what I'm feeling at the moment.
My appt is provisionally booked in Liverpool as well.
I know that this really is the best thing to do. I simply would not cope at all with another baby. I'm struggling as it is to be honest.I hope I feel that same relief afterwards, I suppose I'm fearful I will think I've made a mistake. I'm all over the place.
Posting on here is helping me to get my feelings out.

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Saltedcaramel2014 · 27/07/2015 14:33

I am sorry to hear all that you are going through - and that you will have to travel to the UK. For what it's worth you sound like a good, kind and caring woman and mother who has her whole family's interests at heart. Talk as much as you want here, it's what we are here for.

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Saltedcaramel2014 · 27/07/2015 14:36

I don't know if this is helpful or not, and I certainly hope it's not upsetting. A recent study showed that 95% of women don't regret making this choice. So if it feels like the right decision now, hopefully you will not be affected by regret later.

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Thurlow · 27/07/2015 14:37

We're all listening. Most of us have been through this, one way or another, and I can promise you that nothing you are feeling or thinking will sound silly or strange to us

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dirtyfabulous · 27/07/2015 14:42

Thank you Thurlow.
I'm trying to take it easy on myself so we've had a bit more TV than usual.
Bringing a change of clothes is a good idea,not something I would have thought about. The flight home I am dreading, I don't know how the bleeding will be..
I'm so angry I have to travel to another country, it makes a frightening prospect all the worse.

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