Daughter is having medical abortion today... I need help :'(

[mamala1970]

Hi. I'm not sure if I will get any help or support, this is after all supposed to be a happy site about becoming a parent :( But I feel so poorly and nervous and sick, I don't know where else to go. My 16 year old daughter is booked in to have a medical abortion today. We discovered she was pregnant 2 weeks ago. She was using contraceptive and was in a relationship for 18 months albeit a one-sided one where she was constantly being cheated on. Being the sweetest, forgiving and wonderful girl, she always took him back. Now he's dumped her. She is trying to be brave and strong but this is huge for her. She made the decision to have the abortion and I promised I'd support her either way. So did her dad. But I've read all the horror stories about it and I keep looking at her thinking 'you are so young to go through this'. We went to the clinic on Tuesday and she had all the tests and checks. She's no longer anaemic but has low blood pressure and her BMI is below average. She's tiny. Always has been. She had a scan (a vaginal one) and the baby was measured and dated - 6 weeks, 4 days. I sat the other side of the curtain and neither of us saw the screen but knowing it was official and the scanner could see her child, my grandchild, broke my heart right there and then. I briefly saw the photo and went to pieces. I remembered the occasions I was scanned and I saw my girls for the first time and it was a joyous time. After receiving lots of information, we left with the appointment booked in for today at 2.30. I haven't slept since. She seems to be coping ok. I am so frightened about her going through pain, bleeding heavily, feeling ill. I keep imagining the worst case scenario that something will go wrong. I've been assured it's safe but there's always the 'what if's at the back of my mind. I'm worrying myself stupid and literally counting down the minutes until we have to go. I love my daughter so much, I can't bear the thought of her hurting. I'm sorry for waffling. I just need some advice. Has anyone else been through this? How can we all cope, not just through the process of aborting the baby but afterwards? Please help. Thank you ever so much xxx

One idea that really helped me with my termination was the belief (very common in Japanese culture I believe) is that the baby soul doesn't inhabit the body/cells/etc until just before delivery. I truly believe I didn't kill my baby but that my baby is still waiting for me when the time is right. Maybe your daughter might like to think of it this way - that her beautiful first child is still coming - when the timing is better.

That is a beautiful way of thinking about it. Thank you x

I just want to echo what other posters have said - you sound like a wonderful mother. I'm sorry that your daughter has had to go through this but the fact that she made her own decision and has had such wonderful support with no judgement will help her recover from it.

I had an abortion when i was in my late thirties and felt unable to tell my parents. I wanted nothing more than to fall into my mum's arms but i just couldn't guarantee what kind of reaction i would have received. I hope my children will feel able to come to me should they ever find themselves having to make a difficult decision.

Your daughter will be fine. I hope she'll be able to look back on it knowing that it was the right thing to do at the time with no guilt or regret. This is the start of her life. It sounds like she's already starting to take control and think about what she really wants which is great. I hope to goodness she doesn't let that waste of space back into her life either. Does he know about the abortion?

And I take comfort from Hellen's idea of the soul too.

Thank you TheLastPickleInTheJar. Annoyingly, he has now seen what he has done wrong (mainly because his mum has been in touch with me throughout the process and has told him how ill my daughter was) and he has started texting her, telling her how sorry he is etc. I only discovered this last night. She assured me she was keeping her replies very short and sweet and said she would rather he did ask how she was than totally ignore the situation. We spoke at length about how she feels about him and she said she will never, ever go back to him again and she hates him for how he's treated her. I hope she continues to feel this way. I just want to protect her now. Fingers crossed... X

If you've been in contact with his mother, can you ask her to ask him to stop contacting your DD? As she has no intention of having any kind of relationship with him, it might be better for her now if he pissed off and let the matter rest so she can get on with her life and get over the abortion in her own way. All with DD's permission of course.

I hope she will be okay and I'm sure it was the right decision for her, she sounds very mature and a great girl. I had a termination and my Mum came with me, she was there every step of the way and her support was invaluable - I don't know how I'd have coped without her!

ThoseAwfulCurtains I am a bit pissed off myself with his mother. She said they've been through several break-ups and back-togethers before and this time she's 'not getting involved'. I had to bite my tongue before I said 'well this time it is a little bit different. She discovered she was pregnant, syour son dumped her when she needed his support most and then had sex with another girl that very night'. The irritating thing is she knows what a vile creature he is. She told me herself this time last week when she threw him out of the house for his behaviour and lack of respect for not only my daughter but for everyone else around him. I just hope I never, ever have to deal with him or his family again. My ex-husband is even talking about getting a restraining / harassment order put on him. But on a positive note, she is feeling a lot better, if a little sad and quiet today, but her body seems to have recovered well and last night she went to work and enjoyed it. I spoke to her today about her feelings and she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore and she must put it behind her. Which is worrying me but I am looking for a counsellor for her to go to weekly - to talk about the abortion and also about her low self esteem :(

Hi I know these posts are older, but I wanted to as if anyone's daughters who had a termination are ok now that time has passed? I've just been told last night by my daughter that she is 9 weeks pregnant and goes in for a medical termination on Monday, it's the right choice for her circumstances and I'm being supportive (a bit in shock too) I m worried about the procedure and pain etc she will go through but the emotional side worries me more as she has anxiety and has experienced low mood periods,just wondered how others have coped emotionally any advice?

Hi mamaray68.
I had a medical termination at the age of 19. I was with a long term boyfriend and was at uni. It just wasn't the right time. I had zero support around me and my decision, which was tough. So its amazing that you care and want to support your daughter, trust me it's all she wants.
A medical termination for me involved taking a tablet by mouth at a clinic after a scan then going back the next day as an inpatient for the day where I had 2 pessarys to begin the process. For me it was like a heavy period. There is pain relief if needed, I did have some (although now 30 and 2 children later nothing close to the pain of labour). I did feel pretty rubbish emotionally for a while as I was very 'anti termination' but I know I made the right choice and I could never of given a child what it needed and I was still a child myself. All she needs is hugs and reassurance. She will be fine I promise x

I had a surgical termination at 18. Was absolutely the right thing for me, I had zero emotional trauma afterwards, honestly. Just went home, got up the next day, got on with living. If she has anxiety, maybe find out about getting her some help with that anyway.

Thank you both so much, I'm feeling quite emotional this morning, don't know why as I know she is doing the right thing, she just hotness her life back on track, has a place at uni in sept etc and I had thought she was anxious about this, now I know the real reason it's more understandable as she has been dealing with this herself for four weeks, I just don't want this experience to haunt her, she has always been a supporter of a woman's right to choose as I have, however I think it's been really tough and She has learned things are always so Straight forward the hard way, she has had help for anxiety etc and to be honest I can't actually believe she hasn't totally crumpled, so kinda scared it's still to come, anyway thank you both for your kind words, really means a lot

I know you experienced what I am going through now sometime ago but I want to know has your daughter coped ok since as I am terribly worried about mine? I wanted to tell her not to do it it wasn't too late I had said I would look after the baby while she finished college and I have supported and respected her decision but it has deeply affected me. I loved one comment saying " when the time is right they will be waiting for her". She is a strong girl and for her the time is not right now as it a big commitment and has to totally be her decision. I will never hold her decision against her and will support her in anyway I can until my dying day but can't help to grieve for all of us. RIP little one until we meet again xx