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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Daughter is having medical abortion today... I need help :'(

62 replies

mamala1970 · 09/07/2015 07:36

Hi. I'm not sure if I will get any help or support, this is after all supposed to be a happy site about becoming a parent :( But I feel so poorly and nervous and sick, I don't know where else to go. My 16 year old daughter is booked in to have a medical abortion today. We discovered she was pregnant 2 weeks ago. She was using contraceptive and was in a relationship for 18 months albeit a one-sided one where she was constantly being cheated on. Being the sweetest, forgiving and wonderful girl, she always took him back. Now he's dumped her. She is trying to be brave and strong but this is huge for her. She made the decision to have the abortion and I promised I'd support her either way. So did her dad. But I've read all the horror stories about it and I keep looking at her thinking 'you are so young to go through this'. We went to the clinic on Tuesday and she had all the tests and checks. She's no longer anaemic but has low blood pressure and her BMI is below average. She's tiny. Always has been. She had a scan (a vaginal one) and the baby was measured and dated - 6 weeks, 4 days. I sat the other side of the curtain and neither of us saw the screen but knowing it was official and the scanner could see her child, my grandchild, broke my heart right there and then. I briefly saw the photo and went to pieces. I remembered the occasions I was scanned and I saw my girls for the first time and it was a joyous time. After receiving lots of information, we left with the appointment booked in for today at 2.30. I haven't slept since. She seems to be coping ok. I am so frightened about her going through pain, bleeding heavily, feeling ill. I keep imagining the worst case scenario that something will go wrong. I've been assured it's safe but there's always the 'what if's at the back of my mind. I'm worrying myself stupid and literally counting down the minutes until we have to go. I love my daughter so much, I can't bear the thought of her hurting. I'm sorry for waffling. I just need some advice. Has anyone else been through this? How can we all cope, not just through the process of aborting the baby but afterwards? Please help. Thank you ever so much xxx

OP posts:

SirVixofVixHall · 09/07/2015 12:01

It is bound to be an upsetting time, and I completely understand how you feel about the scans. I would not have a termination myself, so I would find seeing the scan really distressing. But I have young daughters, and I am a realist. I hope if they were in this situation that I would be able to give them the support that you are giving to your DD. 16 is so young, she is not much more than a child, and even with my personal feeling about abortion I can see that a 16 year old schoolgirl is very very young and very ill equipped to become a parent. I think in your situation I would try to do just as you have, and support my dd either way, and leave the decision to her, while being there to help with the process and aftermath of whatever path she chose.
My close friends who went through terminations all recovered quickly, and there were no complications. All have gone on to have easy pregnancies later in life. They felt a bit rough for a couple of days and had some pain then, but just stayed at home and took things easy. I hope that your dd recovers well, and she is lucky to have such a thoughtful and lovely Mum.

Enormouse · 09/07/2015 12:17

You sound like a wonderful, supportive mum and the fact that your daughter could confide in you speaks volumes about your relationship.

I had a surgical abortion in January and it was the best decision I've made. I was ok immediately after physically and mentally. But I was hit by the emotions a few weeks later. So just keep an eye on her for a while.

I agree with DVD boxsets, chocolate and a takeaway or nice ready meal.

Brummiegirl15 · 09/07/2015 12:53

I've not had an abortion but I've had 2 x ERPC's which is pretty much the same thing.

I had no pain or bleeding afterwards and physically I recovered quite quickly - although the hormone crash did hit me so she will absolutely probably feel quite shocked and a bit empty

You are such a supportive Mum and your daughter is very lucky to have you

goodasitgets · 09/07/2015 13:03

I bled approx 3hrs after the second lot of tablets, heavily and yes it was painful. It was gushing before slowing down and I bled a lot for the week after - just be aware because I became anaemic afterwards
Pads, big pads like the thick ones I found helpful and wearing big knickers and leggings to feel "held in"
Mine was a different situation so I can't really help with the emotional side (forced)
After everything had passed - I had a v v strong pain increase and had an urge to push - the pain eased and I slept for a while

Loraline · 09/07/2015 13:18

Just wanted to say, you're doing great and this isn't "after all supposed to be a happy site about becoming a parent" - this is a site for people to talk about their fears and dramas too and in a safe space, anonymously. So come on here and vent your fears and your worries. Let it all out here. It'll leave you in a stronger position to support your daughter which is what you really want and what you're doing so well.

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 09/07/2015 13:31

I just wanted to say that the fact that your daughter knows that you and her dad would support her either in having a termination or keeping the baby has allowed her to genuinely make the right choice for her. This means, going forward, that she will have far less likelihood of regrets or sadness. Well done.

Can you book something nice for sat? Shopping, lunch, day trip?
For today/tomorrow, box set and chocolate and hot water bottle will all go down well.

horseygeorgie · 09/07/2015 13:40

I don't have much experience really but didn't want to read and run.

When I unexpectedly fell pregnant I seriously thought about abortion - to the stage where I went to the consultations and had an appointment booked. I decided not to go through it but the one thing that will always stay with me is the fantastic support I had from my parents, my Mum in particular.

You sound like a wonderful Mum and have let her make the right decision for her, which is what it should be like. Hugs to both of you and I will be thinking of you today.

Sleepybeanbump · 09/07/2015 14:07

I'm afraid I can't offer advice, but I wanted to say how sorry I am, and what a lovely supportive mum you sound. Mine would have been angry and made it a drama all about her.

I also wanted to say something about your daughter's relationship. I don't doubt she is a sweet forgiving person, and I say this in the gentlest possible way as someone who spent the ages 18-21 in an abusive relationship....be careful no to see the treatment she has taken from him solely as a reflection of her sweet nature. While that may be part of it, don't let it blinker you to other factors that might be at play and that you can support her with....immaturity, a compulsion to please, insecurity etc etc.

I know it's not your focus right now, but I wish I had had someone who understood the complexity of what kept me in my relationship, and been able to support me out of it.

Good luck to you both.

Original poster

mamala1970 · 09/07/2015 16:44

Hello all. Thank you for your really great messages of support and advice. They have calmed me down and realise that there are some fantastic people out there. Nobody has judged or said anything nasty. Thank you.
We got back from the clinic an hour ago. Everything went smoothly although she started to cry as she was asked to swallow the tablet. She knew what it meant and there was no going back but she took control and did it. The cramps started about half an hour ago and she's had pain relief. She's curled up with me and my mum watching Wimbledon and half-eating a Macdonald's. I've put some flowers in her room, tissues, a magazine and a box of chocolates, oh and massive sanitary towels although at the moment she just wants to stay downstairs with us. I am dreading the bleeding starting as I just don't know what to expect. The nurse at the clinic said it would be very heavy and how to gauge it but I think my anxiety is down to the fact I haemmorhaged after having my daughter and the memories stay with you. But she's doing well and feeling positive so far. X

OP posts:

horseygeorgie · 09/07/2015 16:48

You sound like such a fantastic Mother, she is so lucky to have such strong thoughtful support when she needs it. Hats off to you.

Appleblossom82 · 09/07/2015 17:10

Bless you both. You dound like a wonderful mum and i think your daughter has 100% made the right decision. Her future lies ahead with all sorts of possibilities

I wouldnt have had a termination post uni, but if id gotten pregnant before finishing my education i definitely would have done.

emwithme · 09/07/2015 18:07

I had a medical abortion age 18 (I got pregnant the day A Level results came out). I am now 38 and do not regret it one tiny little bit.

The couple of days after the procedure were a bit up and down (I had previously had Very Light periods so wasn't used to bleeding that much) but pain was manageable with paracetamol etc.

I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. I cannot contemplate being "linked" to my then-boyfriend (and his family) forever. I had a fabulous time in my 20s being "young, free and single-ish", am now married to my lovely DH and planning to TTC our first any time.

for you and your daughter and your choice of and

MissMartin10 · 09/07/2015 20:01

What an amazing mum x

Penfold007 · 09/07/2015 20:09

mamala your lovely daughter has made a very brave choice, I'm so glad she is safe with you and her gran. Hugs to you all and I hope the three of you get some sleep.

Kvetch15 · 09/07/2015 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mamala1970 · 10/07/2015 10:00

Thanks everyone. And yes, she has been in a bad relationship. We've repeatedly told her to get out of it but she is insecure and needed the security of him. I am going to get her to attend counselling when she as recovered so she can be clearer about things before entering into another relationship. As for the abortion. It was horrific. I won't go into details but she had every side effect going and at one time thought she was dying. The bleeding has been lighter than expected, bleeding into the toilet and very little on pads, which I've been assured is how some women to pass an early pregnancy. She couldn't take her antibiotics until this morning and has just been sick so I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor about that one. She's just gone back to sleep, feeling washed out but in no pain and hasn't had codeine since 12.30am. This experience is one she will never forget and so hard for her family to see her go through but hopefully there'll be no regrets and she can move on and have a happy, contented life with someone who deserves her.

OP posts:

ethelb · 10/07/2015 22:01

Sorry its been so hard. How is she now?

Sparrowlegs248 · 11/07/2015 00:17

So sorry to hear she has had a rough time. I had a surgical termination in my early 20's, with no support from anyone really. A friend came with me but i have never told my family. It was the best decision for me and I have never regretted it.

I suffered no real afterveffects either, harsh as it may sound, not everyone has feeling of guilt/devastation etc after. I do think i was rather detached from the whole process tbh but just wanted to say, she may well be fine and back to normal sooner than you might imagine.

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 11/07/2015 09:15

Hi mamala,

We're going to move this thread over to our Pregnancy Choices topic.

Sending our best wishes to you and your DD.

Original poster

mamala1970 · 11/07/2015 10:05

ethelb, she is so much better today, I'd even say 'back to normal'. Blood loss is as of a normal period and she's eating, drinking, sleeping normally. She wants to go to work this evening, which will probably do her good. I want to say a big thank you to everyone for all your support and lovely messages. They've helped enormously. An abortion is a highly emotive subject which divides opinions but it is a decision that my daughter thought long and hard about and I am proud of her for acting so maturely when she effectively still a child herself. Here's to the rest of her life x

OP posts:

Hellen77 · 11/07/2015 10:16

I cried reading your thread. It is so wonderful that you have supported your daughter through this. What a brave young lady - she has made the best decision xx

Weebirdie · 11/07/2015 10:22

You sound fabulous. Really.

xxx

ShelaghTurner · 11/07/2015 10:23

I have nothing practical to add, have never had an abortion (although had problem-free ERPC) but just wanted to wish you both well. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. I hope my daughters and I can deal with the future as well as you both have xx

sashh · 11/07/2015 10:41

Glad she is doing well, and you seem to be doing well too.

Original poster

mamala1970 · 11/07/2015 10:48

Thank you very much everyone :) I can't tell you how relieved I am now it's all over. I idolise both my daughters and like any mum, I want them to have happy, healthy lives. For them to go through any trauma is just awful as it's them going through it, not you and all you can do is stand by, support, watch. I've tried to be realistic with them both and explain that life is full of different experiences, good and bad, and this is just one of them. We all get through bad times. Some of us have more than others but that's just the luck of the draw. I think these past two weeks have changed everyone actually. My daughter views things very differently now and she's even decided that she wants to switch her college course next year because she realised she was doing her first option to please everyone else :( She's decided and admitted uni isn't for her and she wants to own her own therapy studio one day. All of this because she's had to grow up very quickly and think about life and what's out there in her future. I told her positives would come from negatives and already I'm seeing that. She made me cry last night by saying she'd never forget her first baby and hopefully it would understand that now wasn't the right time for her to be its mummy. I hope she never feels guilt or regret because her decision was right for her right now xx

OP posts:

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