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Pregnancy choices

Daughter is having medical abortion today... I need help :'(

62 replies

mamala1970 · 09/07/2015 07:36

Hi. I'm not sure if I will get any help or support, this is after all supposed to be a happy site about becoming a parent :( But I feel so poorly and nervous and sick, I don't know where else to go. My 16 year old daughter is booked in to have a medical abortion today. We discovered she was pregnant 2 weeks ago. She was using contraceptive and was in a relationship for 18 months albeit a one-sided one where she was constantly being cheated on. Being the sweetest, forgiving and wonderful girl, she always took him back. Now he's dumped her. She is trying to be brave and strong but this is huge for her. She made the decision to have the abortion and I promised I'd support her either way. So did her dad. But I've read all the horror stories about it and I keep looking at her thinking 'you are so young to go through this'. We went to the clinic on Tuesday and she had all the tests and checks. She's no longer anaemic but has low blood pressure and her BMI is below average. She's tiny. Always has been. She had a scan (a vaginal one) and the baby was measured and dated - 6 weeks, 4 days. I sat the other side of the curtain and neither of us saw the screen but knowing it was official and the scanner could see her child, my grandchild, broke my heart right there and then. I briefly saw the photo and went to pieces. I remembered the occasions I was scanned and I saw my girls for the first time and it was a joyous time. After receiving lots of information, we left with the appointment booked in for today at 2.30. I haven't slept since. She seems to be coping ok. I am so frightened about her going through pain, bleeding heavily, feeling ill. I keep imagining the worst case scenario that something will go wrong. I've been assured it's safe but there's always the 'what if's at the back of my mind. I'm worrying myself stupid and literally counting down the minutes until we have to go. I love my daughter so much, I can't bear the thought of her hurting. I'm sorry for waffling. I just need some advice. Has anyone else been through this? How can we all cope, not just through the process of aborting the baby but afterwards? Please help. Thank you ever so much xxx

OP posts:
Grewupinafield · 09/07/2015 07:42

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. It's such a hard time. Do you think she's 100% happy about her decision? You sound so supportive of her and that's the main thing.
I had a medical termination under general anaesthetic in 2011. It was over very quickly and the staff were amazing. I was in no pain at all afterwards. I bled for a week or so, maybe a bit more afterwards. Emotionally I was ok to begin with but then it hit me. My circumstances were very different though. All I can suggest is don't expect a reaction from her immediately. She might not feel much at all, but be there when she does. Just let her know she made the right decision, for her and her circumstances.
Keep talking to someone, your DH perhaps, if your daughter doesn't feel up to talking. My mum was incredible when I had mine. She was amazing and she's what got me through it.

I've had no complications and have gone on to have 2 very healthy very happy children.

Thinking of you all today Thanks

Toooldtobearsed · 09/07/2015 07:43

I am so sorry. |I don't have any experience of this to be able to help you, someone will be along soon who can really help.

I just wanted to hold your hand for a little while, and tell you it will be okay.

You sound like a lovely mum, and you know, it is worse for you, in some ways - it always hurts to see your children in pain, either physical or emotional.

Try to look forward, try to think of the future.

I am sorry I can't help more, others can and will, and ther will be no judging here, only support Flowers

Toooldtobearsed · 09/07/2015 07:44

sorry, c/p

ByTheWishingWell · 09/07/2015 07:44

Please don't read horror stories on the Internet, you'll terrify yourself. People post the worst and most dramatic stories.

I had a medical abortion (also after a contraceptive failure), and I was fine. The decision making and the waiting were the hard bits, and once it had been done I honestly felt like a weight had been lifted. I was also fine physically afterwards, just starving hungry and in a hurry to get home.

Just make sure your daughter knows that you're there for her whatever she needs, and stock up on pads and her favourite comfort food. I'm sorry you're all going through this. Flowers

thatduck · 09/07/2015 07:47

Sorry I have no advice but I wanted to say that as a young girl (ish) you sound like an amazing supportive mum and I'm sure you are making this much easier for your daughter by being so

PickledPorcupine · 09/07/2015 07:47

Nothing useful to add but just wanted to say you sound like such an amazing mum Flowers

mrsdavidbowie · 09/07/2015 07:48

Yes you sound like a lovely Mum.
She is young . There is no reason why the procedure should be complicated..pain can be managed and bleeding shouldn't be excessive
It's a hard decision but its one I would want my dd to make.
She is with you and loved.
I hope all goes well.

WishIwasanastronaut · 09/07/2015 07:54

Hi. I had one too. She will probably feel a bit empty and bewildered after. Maybe you could buy her some treats and a good dvd/series to watch after at home.
Don't let her see that you are worried/gutted/disappointed if possible. She has enough going on in her own mind probably.
You sound amazing and very caring. Your daughter is lucky to have you. X

HeadDreamer · 09/07/2015 07:55

I had an abortion when I was at university. And a ERPC from a missed miscarriage in my late 30s (it's the same procedure but not an abortion as such). It is a very simple and quick. I wasn't put under general for the abortion. But I was under general for the ERPC. I didn't feel any pain in either. It's the emotional side that is more traumatic. But your daughter has you and her dad to support her. That is very important.

The abortion is one of the best decisions I have made. I never regretted it. I finished university single and childless. Then did my postgrad. Moved half way across the world to the UK for a postdoc. Got married and now have two beautiful daughters. And a well paying career. I don't think I will be here today if I had a child young. And with a jerk as the father. As long as e abortion is what your daughter really wanted, it will be the best for her.

YonicScrewdriver · 09/07/2015 07:58

It's very early in the pregnancy and complications from a termination are statistically much more unlikely than an effect on her health from continuing the pregnancy and going through birth, let alone everything else.

Good luck Flowers

sashh · 09/07/2015 08:13

Ask the clinic if they can recommend someone to talk to, a counselor or someone else.

I once spent a morning in a clinic waiting for a friend, you will not be the only mum with a teenage daughter there.

This is the best thing, your dd has made a choice and that choice is right for her. It is also much less risky than pregnancy.

Expect a bit of emotion a couple of days after the procedure - hormones can do crazy things.

Do not think of this as your 'grandchild', it really isn't. And do you really want a grandchild when your dd is only 16?

Penfold007 · 09/07/2015 08:25

Your daughter has made a choice about her body and decided not to continue with an unwanted pregnancy. You need to support her today and hide your own feelings. After the procedure you need to continue to love and support her. Work on her self-esteem and self worth as well as her physical health. I'm sorry your family are going through this difficult time.

HighOverTheFenceLeapsSunnyJim · 09/07/2015 08:29

I had a medical abortion at 21. Best decision I ever made. Have since had 3 healthy wanted pregnancies. Don't read the horror stories.

mamala1970 · 09/07/2015 08:35

Thank you so far for the wonderful messages. I have to go to work now for the morning. I am absolutely dreading it. I will post again after we get home from the clinic... :(

OP posts:
ethelb · 09/07/2015 08:37

Sorry you feel crap. A medical abortion is much safter than her continuing with a pregnancy at 16.

Good luck. You may feel relief when all this is over and your daughter is fine.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 09/07/2015 08:49

What Penfold said.
If you go to pieces in front of her, she will have your emotions to deal with as well as all her own stuff. It's hard but be strong and supportive of her. You can cry your heart out in private afterwards. It's very sad that she's in this position but with a lovely supportive mum, she'll get through it. Personally, I still have 'what if" thoughts a few years later but I keep those to myself and look forward to grandchildren when the time is right. Agree with treats and distractions. Also if you are visibly upset maybe she won't want to share her feelings with you because she won't want to make her mum cry. Flowers for you both.

lauraa4 · 09/07/2015 08:54

Hi mamala1970 I had a medical abortion at the age of 19 so I know what your daughter is going through. It was over very quickly and I didn't feel much pain except a dull period ache for a couple of days. As for thoughts and feelings afterwards, I would say that time is the best healer. The thing that got me through was the never ending love and support from those closest to me.

She will be OK Flowers

IDontDoIroning · 09/07/2015 09:00

I know it's hard but it's not about you or your grandchild.
It's what she wants do don't let her see your feelings of regret,
Like pp I had a termination in my 20s and have never ever regretted it.

mamala1970 · 09/07/2015 10:48

Thanks everyone. I've just messaged her to ask how she is. She is nervous but there are no second thoughts. I support her decision totally and agree that she should not become a teenage mum. She has her whole life ahead of her. She's only just finished her GCSE's. I had her at 28 and even at that age, found being a mum a shock to the system. I'm just so worried it will distress her and cause pain but you are right, if it is managed well with pain relief and lots of distraction and love, she will get through it. Still sick to the core with worry though!

OP posts:
Preminstreltension · 09/07/2015 10:54

Your daughter has made a very thoughtful, sensible decision. I honestly think there should be more positivity around this decision. I had an abortion and it was the best decision I ever made and I haven't had a moment's regret. I have, however, had two wonderful children since and a good career.

I think you need to reframe this in your own mind. You need to see her as making a good decision, actively choosing to fulfil her potential, prolonging her own freedom and independence.

You need to show her you value her decision and are excited about her future. Lead the way by being pleased that she has this choice and has shown her maturity by making a really wise decision.

Superexcited · 09/07/2015 10:54

I had a medical abortion under general anaesthetic at 17 and I was very emotional on the day, I was in tears as I signed the forms and had everything explained but it was the right decision and I don't regret it.
I didn't have my mum to support me as I was too terrified to tell her so I went through it on my own and got the bus home afterwards.
I'm glad you are supporting your daughter as it seems the right decision given the circumstances.

SteggySaurus · 09/07/2015 10:59

You are such a supportive mum. I had an abortion at nineteen after getting out of quite an abusive relationship. I'm close to my parents but couldn't tell them what was going on. It wasn't a hard decision for me, which sounds a bit cold, but I didn't want any reminders if ex around and I knew I needed to take time for me. I was in no way emotionally ready for that responsibility. I went to the clinic alone and I was really scared. Your daughter will be scared but she knows that she has support which will mean so much to her. It hurt and I was uncomfortable but when I got home I felt so much better, like pp have said it was like a huge weight had been lifted.

I've gone on to have a baby with my partner and I'm so happy now. I sometimes think about what might have been, but it really has worked out for the best.

Hugs to you and your daughter. She's so lucky to have parents who love her and support her this much.

HoldingHerHand · 09/07/2015 11:26

Hi OP, I went through this with my daughter a couple of months ago, though she is a bit older at 18. Basically she had a ONS with a friend and a contraception failure, (she's had a lot of problems on the Pill and was taking a break). They got the MAP the next day and thought everything was done and dusted. Six weeks later she realised she was pregnant. She had a termination but it didn't work properly. A couple of weeks later she started bleeding really badly. A pregnancy test was positive and she ended up having a couple of nights in hospital while they removed material that had been left behind.

It has been so hard for her; she is such a lovely, soft hearted, sweet girl. I thought she would have chosen to keep the baby; we are comfortably off and could have helped out loads. Secretly I think it could have been lovely, but for us, not her. She has made the best choice for her.

We are a couple of months down the line now. She has a Uni place for September, a summer of fun planned with her friends and an absolutely lovely boyfriend who adores her.

What infuriates me is that the friend who was the baby's father has got in touch a few times and gone on about how devastated he is. He turned his back on her and told her to get rid of it when she told him she was pregnant. Now he won't even let her move on.

HoldingHerHand · 09/07/2015 11:31

My daughter didn't tell us she was pregnant, we only found out when she got the complications. She said she felt like an idiot who had let us down because I am always going on about being careful with contraception and protection.

I feel I let her down because she couldn't confide in me at the time, but at least she is sure she made the right choice without any undue influence.

differentnameforthis · 09/07/2015 11:44

How wonderful that she can confide in you & has your support.

You have no idea how rare that is.

I hope all goes OK for both of you today.

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