husband doesn't want baby, I do

[muddypuddles01]

We have been married a long time and already haveca gorgeous 5 year old.

I discovered a few weeks ago that I was 8 weeks pregnant. Bid had an op and forgot to restart my pill after the 7 day break. It took a couple of weeks for me to find the courage to tell him, and for me to adapt. In tbecdnd he guessed because I'd stopped drinking.

He is adament that he doesn't want it. He thinks I did it on purpose (as we rarley have sex). He feels we are only just getting our life back on track after our son and he doesn't want to go through the baby stage again, he says our son is perfect and it won't compare, that he doesn't want a girl, he won't come round to the idea and that he doesn't want it. We don't have family nearby to help and he says we can't afford it (we live comfortably so if we wanted to, we could).

I have gone through the motions to arrange a termination and have it booked for 7th. I really don't want to go through it, I had o e when one I was 22 because we both felt we were too young. I've always been sadanout that and do sometimes think I'd have a 17 year old now, but in my heart I don't know how I would have managed. This one is different. I eantvit and I've checked with the doctor and have been assured that the post op pillspills wouldn't have caused any problems.

If I go ahead with the pregnancy I feel I will be on my own, even if we continue living together. I worry about the impact ony son and the baby, my h said there will be bad blood between us and that he'll feel trapped and manipulated into it - and I know that he doesn't react well in these circumstances.

This is such s mess. I'm in bits when I see or hear anything baby related and found myself lying to the nursecst Marie stopes - have I made my decision 'yes' (no), is my mental health at risk by continuing with the pregnancy 'yes' (no - other way round).

Just want to cry.

I feel like hugging you OP. You've been so strong.

Fuck your DH. He has behaved like a total and utter arse.

You and your baby deserve so much better.

so with a disease dimwitted kid you're going to ruin our lives

I'm furious on your behalf op, what a horrible thing to say. I think you need to start planning to leave this abusive relationship now and not wait around for him to start being aggressive.

I would suggest you and D's leave now, call women's aid they can advise, as he is DH not D P , I am not sure if you can make him leave.

I don't have the time to write the reply I want to, but op I've been reading through this thread and I just wanted you to know, from one woman who left to another who can if she wants to, you can do it. My life right now is better than I ever could have hope for. I was in a desperately sad and (what seemed like) an awful situation and I got out. Yes my ex partner had tantrums, said stuff to try and get me back etc etc but I stuck to my guns and although it's taken time I'm so happy. I wish I could give you a hug. I wish I could hold your hand and show you the way. But you can do this xxx

I thought we were starting to make some progress, hecesnted to know where I thought we would put the baby and we landed on the room we currently use as an office.

But this morning he woke me up at around 4.30 to talk about it. He wanted to explain how he felt and said that we would struggle and that I would have to go back full time (I know this) as I'm the main breadwinner and that I was forcing him to be the main carer bracuse he worked for himself and his work isn't regular. He still wants me to hve an abortion, said I haven't thought it through and hadn't considered the practical side, ds starts school in September, so we have potentially two different drop off points, how would I manage if he wasn't there (due to work?).

Said I was ruling decision with emotions. He's making me question my decision. He said that I haven't thought about him, that I'd decided his future (to be left with baby for next 5years - esp if he can't find work - how does he take interviews etc with a kid?!) Its not his choice. Said and then implied we'd split up over it and we wouldn't be able to give ds everything he needs (or that he would like)

Feel very muddled.

OP, you poor thing, this is awful.
I'm a massive believer in abortions for anyone who needs them in any circumstances, but to be pressured into a termination you don't want is one of the most horrible things I can think of. Do not be persuaded to do anything you don't want to do.

Please don't let him guilt trip you into having a termination you don't want. If that happens I would imagine that the resentment you'd feel towards him would break up your relationship anyway.

And the practical side of things, one option would be a childminder who could take care of the baby and drop your ds off at school. And longer term perhaps both you and your dp could work pt to share childcare /working, I don't know if that would work in your circumstances but just a suggestion.

Really sorry you are struggling with your decision.

I am sorry you are in this situation. Have been there myself and it was the darkest time of my life. But it made me so much stronger.

Keep in mind that the legal limit to have a termination is 24 weeks. Basically you may have to endure terror and battles with your DH for all that time while being pregnant. This happened to me because my DH didn't want another child. It was hell. I can relate when another poster said up thread that pregnancy should be such a magical time but in my case it was a daily fight to keep the baby.

Not sure what else to say. I am so sorry and know that either of your paths now is going to be very difficult unfortunately. But there are women who have been through this and we are all rooting for you.

It is hard work having 2 kids, that is for sure. Your life will be more difficult alone based on that. It is likely that you lose your relationship, if you terminate or not.

But then, many men come round, and in rare cases the relationship will survive. But whatever you do, please remember that your husband was previously physically abusive to you.

Sending you hugs and strength.

Please don't get rid of a baby you already love and want for a man who treats you like this. My dd is 8 and we have an 8 month old. My dd1 was an only child for a long time and utterly doted on but she loves her sister. I have never seen her happier. Practicalities sort themselves out. They are the easy bit.

I had booked in for another appt for this morning, whixh I have again cancelled - the thought of it made me feel like I was gaving a panic attack. No more appointments - other than prenatal ones!

He's being a complete dick. Asking me to tell him where the baby will sleep and then saying no to each suggestion and calling me a f'ing dunce for not being able to solve the problem - we have 2spare rooms! He doesn't want to use them as they've just been decorated - he's obviously being an arse.

I'm not sure where we'll end up, I think more likely apart than together (esp if he keeps talking to me like this). I no longer feel I care too much - a light bulb moment was when Marie stopes counselor asked me why I stayed with him, I said I loved him, she asked me to explain why and I was a little stumped - he can be kind, but he's not being kind to me. He told me that he would only consider the baby for our D's, not for me - how could he not care about how I felt??

I think I know how things will work out for us, I just pray that my babies will be okay, and I can be strong for them.

Muddy he doesn't want this baby and you do. He feels he was trapped because you by your own admission didn't think to tell him sex was unprotected.
Without a doubt it's your body and your choice. I think you know your going to be doing this on your own so please take steps to prepare for this.

So it's either - terminate the baby and hate the husband or keep the baby and probably still hate the husband? Hun, he can't make you have an abortion and the way you're talking about it, I don't think this is something you'd ever forgive him for x

So it's either - terminate the baby and hate the husband or keep the baby and probably still hate the husband? Hun, he can't make you have an abortion and the way you're talking about it, I don't think this is something you'd ever forgive him for x

so sorry for you, OP. I am all for access to abortion AS A CHOICE - and the choice is with the woman who is pregnant.

but please start making plans to leave before the next physical kicking - you are already getting a mental one.

I'm glad you have the Marie Stopes counsellor to help you think clearly in this difficult situation (as well as all the Mumsnetters saying the same thing.)
You're probably not looking too far into the future yet, but if you're young enough to have a baby, I'm sure you'll have no problems finding another and more reasonable partner one day. There are lots of men, most of them in fact, who would be looking after you during this time, not waking you up to be nasty, and not every man would insist that you work full-time with two small children, or even that you should be the main bread-winner, (but then I'm old-fashioned). Not having sex very often seems sad too, in fact I can't see what benefit this man brings to your life.
Life must be really difficult for you at present, but believe me, the future could be so much better.