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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

husband doesn't want baby, I do

65 replies

muddypuddles01 · 31/03/2015 06:48

We have been married a long time and already haveca gorgeous 5 year old.

I discovered a few weeks ago that I was 8 weeks pregnant. Bid had an op and forgot to restart my pill after the 7 day break. It took a couple of weeks for me to find the courage to tell him, and for me to adapt. In tbecdnd he guessed because I'd stopped drinking.

He is adament that he doesn't want it. He thinks I did it on purpose (as we rarley have sex). He feels we are only just getting our life back on track after our son and he doesn't want to go through the baby stage again, he says our son is perfect and it won't compare, that he doesn't want a girl, he won't come round to the idea and that he doesn't want it. We don't have family nearby to help and he says we can't afford it (we live comfortably so if we wanted to, we could).

I have gone through the motions to arrange a termination and have it booked for 7th. I really don't want to go through it, I had o e when one I was 22 because we both felt we were too young. I've always been sadanout that and do sometimes think I'd have a 17 year old now, but in my heart I don't know how I would have managed. This one is different. I eantvit and I've checked with the doctor and have been assured that the post op pillspills wouldn't have caused any problems.

If I go ahead with the pregnancy I feel I will be on my own, even if we continue living together. I worry about the impact ony son and the baby, my h said there will be bad blood between us and that he'll feel trapped and manipulated into it - and I know that he doesn't react well in these circumstances.

This is such s mess. I'm in bits when I see or hear anything baby related and found myself lying to the nursecst Marie stopes - have I made my decision 'yes' (no), is my mental health at risk by continuing with the pregnancy 'yes' (no - other way round).

Just want to cry.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 06/04/2015 18:58

He is abusive and is trying to abuse you into having a procedure on your body you do not want.

Please contact WA!

If he frog marches you to the clinic, tell them you do not want a termination and are being bullied.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 06/04/2015 18:59

You can only do what you want in this situation. Please do not undergo an abortion you feel this strongly against.

He has made his decision, and if I were you I would be saying "the baby is happening, there is the door if you would prefer. But if you stay, you commit to this baby"

Id be shaking like a shitting dog as I was saying it but honestly, you could abort and he could still leave, still remain a dick. And you are the person who has to live with a decision you made without wanting to make it.

Wednesbury · 06/04/2015 19:03

What an awful situation for you. In your shoes I would not terminate: what is worse, living with a termination you don't want for the rest of your life, or your husband leaving? You will always have a relationship with your children. You will always have that love.

FWIW I have a 4 and 6 year old and have just had a baby. The elder two utterly adore him and have thanked me so many times for having him.

petalsandstars · 06/04/2015 19:07

This is such a hard decision but in your shoes I would keep the baby. He sounds like a twat and you could say precisely the opposite back to him which would achieve nothing as he's being a twat. He said having the baby will break you from his side. The opposite is likely to be true for you. And then you'll be left without the baby as well. Please if you go tomorrow tell them the truth and don't terminate just to stay married.

notasleep · 06/04/2015 19:09

If you have a termination you don't want you will resent him so much that it could lead your relationship to breakdown anyway..

Is there somewhere you could go and stay with your son for a bit?

IrenetheQuaint · 06/04/2015 19:15

"they'd be arguing about the telly"

This is the worst argument for termination I have ever heard.

Good luck, OP... sounds like you know what you want, so stick to it whatever your twattish DH says.

ashtrayheart · 06/04/2015 19:17

He sounds bloody awful regardless of whether you keep the pregnancy or not
Get rid of him!

Original poster

muddypuddles01 · 06/04/2015 20:20

He's said he'll give me one last chance, if I don't get rid tomorrow I'll have to do it on my own. He said that he feels manipulated into this position and he's made it quite clear that he didn't want anymore.

He feels manipulated because I had the coil removed ( I was feeling internal pain). I told him it had been removed and when I went back onto the pill he said that I should have told him I'd missed it (I didn't think too).

He's asked me to sleep in the spare room tonight. He'll becawy from early morning until Thursday night. We've been together for such long time his reaction is a bit of a shock - I just feel numb.

OP posts:

TeacupDrama · 06/04/2015 20:55

Actually tell him to go to spare room

As has been said on numerous threads any time you have sex a pregnancy could result there is not a single 100% successful contraceptive apart from sterilisation, if he was that sure he did not want more children he could have had a vascetomy .he did not choose this option you had coil it was not suitable, he is blaming you but he had options too.

There appears to be no fix if you keep baby marriage is over, you agree on your own though of course you would be entitled to maintenance, he can leave but as you are it appears the main career of ds you may be able to stay in the house.

If you have an abortion you don't want you will resent him and relationship probably not recoverable, don't. Put your own mental health in jeopardy by pressure to do what he wants, the right to choose is the right to keep a wanted baby not just the right to a termination in neither case does the fathers opinion have any legal stranding no man can force you to keep a baby or force you to give one up

Go with your heart, you will cope with 2 children alone and D's may well love baby brother or sister in fact he almost certainly will unless it is spun negatively.

Good luck

expatinscotland · 06/04/2015 21:03

'He's said he'll give me one last chance, if I don't get rid tomorrow I'll have to do it on my own. He said that he feels manipulated into this position and he's made it quite clear that he didn't want anymore.'

Part of his abuse is to hold you responsible for birth control, then it's all your fault.

He is abusive.

A termination will not change that.

He will continue to abuse you. So you will be abused and have the fallout of two terminations you didn't want.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2015 21:05

'He's asked me to sleep in the spare room tonight.'

Fuck him. He can sleep in it.

He operates by punishing you.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2015 21:05

And if he didn't want anymore, he should have had a vasectomy and used a condom.

bumpiesonamission · 06/04/2015 21:06

OP what an arse he is being. A 5 yr difference is a lovely gap.

Sounds like there's no budging him, how was your relationship the week before you found out? Were you staying put and keeping the peace before the baby?

I think you've made your mind up and you need to go with it. D(?)H is being an arse and you need to plan for a new, free life for you, DS and DB

bumpiesonamission · 06/04/2015 21:06

I agree with expat he is being very controlling and abusive.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 06/04/2015 21:11

Please don't abort a baby that you want.

for you. Your DH is abusive.

If he feels this strongly why hasn't he had a vasectomy? I'm guessing he feels differently about invasive procedures on his body...

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 06/04/2015 21:11

Sorry, your H. He doesn't sound very D.

whyhasmyheadgonenumb · 06/04/2015 21:29

I Don't normally post but had to, I've been in your shoes except my DD was only 9 months old and her dad wasn't physically abusive to me.
I too booked an appointment for a termination, got there and the light came on in my head - who the fuck was I doing it for? The answer was entirely for him and he wasn't worth it. He was a shit father and a shit partner. I walked out crying tears of relief, literally snot everywhere and drove home to tell him. He didn't say a word to me for about 4 days, refused to help with DD when I was feeling sick and shut himself in the study as soon as he got in from work.

Guess what - he's my ex now. I left his sorry ass 18 months ago. I had DS when we were together, we literally didnt talk about me being pregnant at all, he denied me all that wonderful couple stuff thats supposed to happen :( i bought everything and he wasnt interested one bit. When i told people i was pregnant they congratulated him and he just smiled, I wanted to throttle him. Exp came to the birth but he didnt want to hold him much, wouldnt feed him and the relationship lasted 9 months. I found a house to rent and now claim benefits whilst working 16 hours - you absolutely can financially survive as a lone parent.

DS is now 2.2 and guess what, exp loves him to bits. The DC stay there most weekends from Saturday evening until Sunday tea time and he is brilliant with them.

Sorry if this is waffly but i just wanted you to know that keeping DS was the Best decision I ever made and I promise you that you can do it by yourself if you want to. On the other hand a termination is your right and your choice too, please leave your P though. (The lovely people on here gave me loads of support when I was planning it)

ShoeShooChoux · 06/04/2015 21:56

I agree with the majority of posters here-your h sounds abusive and it sounds like you will be emotionally scarred if you have termination. You mustn't risk hurting yourself in order to protect him.

It takes two people to make a baby. Contraception isn't 100% effective; there's always the risk of pregnancy.

If any part of you wants the baby i would urge you not to terminate. If he loved you he wouldn't try to force you to do something like this against your wishes.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2015 22:35

'your h sounds abusive'

He has been physically abusive to the OP.

cosytoaster · 06/04/2015 22:45

if I don't get rid tomorrow I'll have to do it on my own

You really would be better off on your own. Keep your baby and get rid of the man.

ShoeShooChoux · 07/04/2015 08:13

Expat I hadn't rtft to my shame.

Scrap the 'sounds' from my sentence.

Your h is an abuser and i'm so, so sorry Please don't let this man force you into a termination.

I bet your ds won't care about the tv-what a stupid thing to say. Anecdotal evidence again but i have a three month old with a 6 and 10 year old. They adore their baby brother and they love to get involved with his care. They make him smile As parents we won't always be around; your dc will have each other.

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

6LittleOnes · 07/04/2015 08:42

Please please please do not let him force you into an abortion. Ltb, it's not good for your son to see you afraid of his father, and make your own decision on the pregnancy.

HouseAtreides · 07/04/2015 08:58

If you terminate, your H will still be an unpleasant shit and you will not be allowed to grieve for the baby or show your feelings. If you keep the baby, your H will still be an unpleasant shit but you will have the wonderful new baby and your DS will no doubt be smitten.
Can you not see a future where you are rid of this horrid, bullying man and living in peace with your two DC?

fluzle · 07/04/2015 09:40

Oh, OP, what a horrible time for you. I have a friend who went through a very similar situation a few years ago. In the end she agreed to go through with the termination, but the hospital refused to carry it out as she was very distressed and it was obviously not what she wanted to do. They insisted she returned with her husband but the relief she felt was enough to make her realise that she couldn't go through with it.
Wishing you all the best with the decision you make.

Original poster

muddypuddles01 · 07/04/2015 21:15

I cancelled my appointment this morning and have not re-booked it . I feel a sense of relief and nervousness over what lies ahead.

I sent him an email this morning, explaining how I felt, that I wanted us to be a family - basically I was showing him that there are positives. He responded be saying 'so with a disease dimwitted kid you're going to ruin our lives - I don't want to cope'. I couldn't be bothered to respond - he only ever sees the negative view, so if he doesn't want to be involved, so be it. I think if I pressurise him to accept the baby he will be aggressive after its born - and if he does then we'll be gone away.

Thank you all for your messages of support and observations - much appreciated.

OP posts:

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