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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Nervous and in need of advice

34 replies

Clemmers · 20/03/2015 19:59

Im currently 6 weeks pregnant and after a serious heart to heart with my partner, we agree that we just aren't in the right place financially and mentally to carry on with the pregnancy. He's been so supportive and wonderful but we know that termination is the only realistic option at this point in our lives.

I'm going to the clinic next Tuesday, to discuss next steps but I'm so nervous about the whole thing as I will be going through it alone and don't really know how to prepare for it mentally.

OP posts:
ShoeShooChoux · 21/03/2015 09:23

Sorry you're in this position. It sounds like you've got a supportive partner which is great.

Are you going for your first appointment next week, so a consultation rather than the procedure? Sorry, i'm on th app so i can't scroll up to see your message.

I think the only way you can prepare mentally is to be confident in your decision which it sounds like you are. Be prepared to experience a myriad of emotions and know that feelings of sadness / guilt / regret are quite normal and don't mean it was the 'wrong' thing to do. Of course, you may feel nothing but relief which is fine and quite normal too (and doesn't make you a bad person!).

And keep talking to your partner. Or talk on here if it helps.

Good luck Thanks

ShoeShooChoux · 21/03/2015 09:25

I see it's your initial appointment so they may give you a scan to confirm the pregnancy.

I'm sure the staff will be lovely and supportive and will answer anything you're unsure of.

Original poster
Clemmers · 21/03/2015 13:52

Thank you so much for your kind words, ShoeShooChoux, they are really appreciated. Yes, it's the first consultation.

I told my parents last night, about the pregnancy and the decision. They were fantastic and understand completely. I love my partner so much but we don't live in the same city, we don't have the means to move in together yet, we've never discussed children and neither of us is ready for such a life changing event. So while I feel guilt and sadness for the little bean, I also know that keeping it would do all 3 of us more harm than good.

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thisisnow · 21/03/2015 15:23

Good luck at your appointment, agree with ShoeShoo keep posting here for support if you need to or just somewhere to chat Flowers

ShoeShooChoux · 21/03/2015 16:13

It's wonderful that you've got supportive people around you; it makes such a big difference. I found that it was helpful to be able to talk to people before and after, either in rl or on here, and i was lucky to have some very supportive and level-headed friends.

Good luck.

Original poster
Clemmers · 22/03/2015 11:42

Thank you so much for your support Ladies, it honestly means such a lot xxx

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Original poster
Clemmers · 23/03/2015 12:20

I'm going to the clinic tomorrow, for my first consultation and have such a heavy heart today. I know it's the right thing to do, I knew as soon as I saw the result .... but I still feel so sad about it.

It's like my head is saying "yes. No question" and my heart is like " I know. But still..." So I Did a pros and cons list and the sole thing on the pros side was "I'm 42. this may be my only chance". That's not a good enough reason to go ahead with the pregnancy. I know that. I know that my heart is only seeing the fantasy version of serene motherhood, not the reality of finding a home, screaming baby, toddler tantrums, arguments over childcare, lack of money and teenage angst.

It's all such a mess. I want to feel normal again but am dreading the process.

OP posts:
thisisnow · 23/03/2015 12:41

Hope you're ok Clemmers. It is a crap situation to be in, wrestling with your head and your heart.

Original poster
Clemmers · 24/03/2015 11:57

The lady at the walk in centre was fantastic, so understanding. She has gotten me an appointment with the T.O.P service for next Tuesday. So the little berry will remain in situ for at least another week but I'm feeling more at peace with myself and our decision. I can now put it to the back of my mind for a few days and do some living. My partner has been so strong for me, and I'm feeling our physical distance more than ever right now, but I couldn't have wished for a better fella.

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notasleep · 24/03/2015 12:17

Hello op, sorry you're in this position..

Did the walk in centre offer you some counselling? That might help if you're still feeling conflicted. I think they are obliged to offer it free of charge.

Original poster
Clemmers · 25/03/2015 15:35

Hi notasleep, they didn't mention counselling but I have a feeling I will need some afterwards. I still have at least another week of pregnancy ahead of me, all the while knowing that the little berry is growing inside me despite the intended outcome. It's preying on my mind, to the point of blocking other things (like sleeping) out. This is a decision I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

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notasleep · 25/03/2015 17:57

Could you find out if you can see a counsellor before? It might really help, just to vent to someone impartial.

Original poster
Clemmers · 25/03/2015 22:14

I'm look into it tomorrow, I think it would be really beneficial. Thank you xx

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Original poster
Clemmers · 29/03/2015 13:00

I'm in such a mess today. Pregnancy hormones have really kicked in, I feel exhausted and nauseated, I can only eat bland food, and right now I hate myself. This baby is growing inside me, this baby that never stood a chance because all I can think is that I want it to be over. Who thinks like that?? It's so messed up. I can't hold a conversation with anyone, I'm on the verge of tears all the time and I just want it to be over and that breaks my heart. I'm not the person I thought I was.

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thisisnow · 29/03/2015 13:44

clemmers I hope you're okay. It's such a crap situation to be in. I remember feeling exactly the same way. It was literally agonising and I felt like I was going insane.

I don't have any answers for you I'm afraid. Have you seen your partner? I hope he is being supportive x

ShoeShooChoux · 29/03/2015 18:56

I too completely empathise. There are no words to make it easier for you. Hormones make every decision 100% more difficult.

Original poster
Clemmers · 29/03/2015 22:13

Someone in another website has just asked if I've considered adoption. I say I just want it to be over, so they suggest carrying to term and giving it away. It was such a mistake, posting on there. Now I feel even worse.

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ChazzerChaser · 29/03/2015 22:19

Clemmers, only you can know what is right for you. I've been in this situation, in an entirely different set of circumstances, and it was only through talking it through that I could see what was right for me. Which was entirely different to what I might have thought it would be. The advice I would have given myself was different to how I actually felt. So advice anyone else gives you only works if it works for you. You're what matters. How you feel is what matters. Nothing else.

nslw · 30/03/2015 07:29

Clemmers I am in the same position and I am struggling too. I almost feel like 'what is wrong with me, I must be a terrible horrible person'. I'm having a lot of self hate at the moment. All we can do is try to make the best decision for ourselves. There's no right or wrong answer- both options are utterly shit.

ShoeShooChoux · 30/03/2015 09:08

Carrying to term and choosing adoption simply wasn't an option for me. Had i carried to term it would have been because i was keeping the baby. And adoption isn't a magical stress-free choice.

People make different choices. Some terminate an unwanted pregnancy, some carry on with the pg and either keep the baby or put it up for adoption. Similarly some people decide to terminate for certain medical conditions while others continue with the pregnancy.

These are different choices. Different not better or worse.

Only you know what is the best path for you to take but it is about you because it's your life.

Good luck.

Original poster
Clemmers · 30/03/2015 23:03

So it's my first appt at the T.O.P.S clinic tomorrow morning and tonight my partner told me he is having second thoughts. I kind of guessed he was, after something he said to me a few days ago. But knowing how close the appt was, I needed complete honesty.

He's asked me not to go ahead with any termination procedures until after we've sat down and done a proper pros and cons this weekend, as that's when he's due to visit (he lives 3hrs away and this will be the first time I've seen him since finding out). I'm surprised, because until now he was on board with the termination. But I owe it to him to wait, because it's his baby too. I've been in limbo since since the test result, and never allowed myself the luxury of thinking we would be keeping it because I didn't think it was even an option. Now I don't know where to even start.

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BrockAuLit · 30/03/2015 23:09

Oh gosh OP. No words of advice I'm afraid,
not been in your situation, but just silent empathy for the struggle you are facing. So, so hard. I find it helps to try to take one day at a time. I know a day is a long time, it's bound to be on your mind every minute you're not doing something distracting. But with these matters another day and another day and then another one will be fine. You have some time still. The weekend seems far away but nothing will change very significantly inside your body. So hard, I'm glad you are able to think rationally.

Original poster
Clemmers · 31/03/2015 13:45

Well I went for my appt this morning, scan confirms I'm 7 weeks and 2 days (10 weeks if using the first day of my last period). I had a good chat with the nurse, who was lovely, and she has booked me in for next Thursday. That way, I know that if we go ahead with termination, it's already booked. And if we change our minds, it can be cancelled.

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ShoeShooChoux · 31/03/2015 19:35

That sounds like a good plan. Making an appt doesn't mean it has to be done. I hope things become clearer after a talk with dp.

notasleep · 01/04/2015 17:46

Yes good to have the appt should you need it. Hope you and your dp can work out what the best option for you is this weekend.