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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

any advice?

106 replies

PlebsLeague · 08/02/2015 09:34

I am 6 wks pg and 47. Have one dd already who is 7, pg accidentally and DH is not keen to proceed. I am also not keen to have another baby as feel old and knackered, and am retraining for a second career. A baby now would put me back again and may stop me from getting a job. I have no idea what to do. Have an appt at BPAS on Tuesday to discuss it with them, but the more time passes and the more I feel nauseous, and swollen the more I wonder if I can go through with it.

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tobysmum77 · 08/02/2015 10:56

I think you need to decide what you want, deep down. At the risk of being rude at your age you are unlikely to get another chance, which makes it harder. No one else (including dh) can make that decision for you.

I'd keep the initial appointment though, perhaps it will help you decide. Plus at 6 weeks you have a little time?

thisisnow · 08/02/2015 11:25

I agree keep the appointment, you might have a better idea of what you want once it becomes more "real". Hope you're okay x

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 08/02/2015 11:53

I feel really torn, whether to think of my (new and vocational) career, my DH and the impact on my existing family, or to think of the little lentil which is having such a physical effect on me, and arrived against all the odds. Not a very nice decision to make really.

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Iwishicouldflyfarfaraway · 09/02/2015 07:58

Hi op bpas will offer you counselling as your undecided , I found it useful to put my thoughts in order . Hope you are coping okay , it's a lonely place to be . x

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 09/02/2015 20:02

it is lonely. I feel my duty is to protect it, but I think it would put all of our plans back for ages, and mean that all my retraining has been for nothing. I don't want to go back to pushing a pushchair, and getting up in the night, or giving birth, but then how can I live with myself if I don't give it a chance. I'm hoping that the scan tomorrow shows it's vanished, but I doubt it will have. How do you ever make this decision and feel OK about it.

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thisisnow · 09/02/2015 22:16

You don't really feel okay about it you just learn to live with it really. I feel for you as you sound so torn. Someone told me that there is no right decision and we just go with what we think is best at that split second.

Iwishicouldflyfarfaraway · 10/02/2015 13:49

I understand how your feeling , I was hoping for exactly the same to happen at my appointment as then I wouldn't have to make the decision. as for making a decision , I'm not sure I keep swinging back & forth.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 10/02/2015 14:07

You're absolutely right, it's not a nice decision to have to make and it's not one that anyone else can make for you because ultimately it's your responsibility.

Personally I would be looking at the rest of our lives, mine, DH's and DD's and making the decision based on that, however, when emotions kick in, it complicates even the clearest of plans.

If you go ahead how do you feel DH will be as a new father again and will he support you throughout the pregnancy and beyond? or do you feel it would put a strain on your relationship. I mean your personal relationship not your family and parenting one.

Go to the appointment and talk things through with a view to reaching the right decision for you and for your family, don't be swayed by what you feel you should decide either way and don't forget that although this exceptionally personal, you're not in a unique position, women are making this kind of decision every day and carrying on whatever they decided. You'd still mourn if you have a scan and find the pregnancy isn't going to continue anyway, I'm afraid it's always going to tear at your heartstrings either way Iwish is right, it's a lonely place to be right now.

By the way I hope the above doesn't come across as harsh as it's really not meant that way, I wanted to say it's meant as prosaic, but that's not the right word. I mean not judgmental and more matter of fact or something like that.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 10/02/2015 15:38

Thanks everyone. I went to the appt today, made me very glad we live in wonderful liberal UK rather than bible belt USA, but the place was full of women in the same position as me and it was curiously comforting to know I wasn't alone. The scan shows I am 6 weeks and 4 days and I must say seeing the little blip of light on there made me think I want to hang on to it. but as you say, that's the emotion/instinct rather than the logic. I had a termination in my early 20s, and basically sailed through it, was with a bad news boyfriend and was about to graduate, so was in not doubt it was the right thing to do. Now however, I know how wonderful having a baby is (although a lot of drudgery too!) so it's impossible to be clear cut about it. DH is certain that termination is the best way, he is all logic, I am about 2% logic. Sheesh.

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tobysmum77 · 10/02/2015 19:16

I think you know what you want op and always have.

As you said yourself, you knew in your 20s it was what you wanted, so you got over it/ put it behind you.

You can't terminate because dh wants you to, it will tear your relationship apart.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 10/02/2015 19:50

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tobysmum77 · 10/02/2015 21:02

I' m sorry I didn't want to upset you . But the decision has to be right for you that's the key.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 10/02/2015 23:25

How about if you look at it from a totally different point of view. What would a new baby want? what would life be like for a new life to come into your family? can you all provide and give of yourselves as much as that child would like and need for another 18 years and beyond, when you will be 65/66+?

Think it over, be realistic, don't be put off because it might be difficult because if it's what you want then it can be done, but equally don't be put off making the other decision if that's right for you and your family.
You need to decide if the pregnancy is an unexpected and late joy or an unplanned problem that's going to take too much of a toll.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 11/02/2015 07:38

Funny you should say that enrique I woke up thinking baby would be 13 on my 60th birthday. Probably not much fun being the teen of an old lady. I need to give it more thought - DH would feel his life had ended having a newborn again dd7 would be thrilled, I would be exhausted.

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Original poster

PlebsLeague · 11/02/2015 08:44

And toby thanks for your messages - I was sad because you're right. I just don't know if my wanting something means that it is the right thing, esp considering my age & DH's feelings .

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EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 11/02/2015 16:08

Good luck with your decision PL

SarfEasticated · 18/02/2015 07:27

Hi there have name changed back. My H has made it v clear he does not want this baby - was furious when I told him I wanted to keep it - accused me if ruining his life, Fark. What am I meant to go now. Life seems to be descending into soap territory, v pleased DD is at her grandparents.

WinterBabyof89 · 18/02/2015 07:44

I'm so sorry to hear how your H has reacted when you voiced your wishes.

I definitely agree that you should not proceed with a termination based solely upon what he wants - stay strong & do what you feel is best.

And you certainly won't ruin his life if you keep it! This baby may have been an accident, but he had a pretty significant part in making it!
I hope you guys can work this out x

Booboostoo · 18/02/2015 07:47

I am sorry you find yourself in this position.

Your DH may be in shock but his response is not helpful and risks your relationship no matter what you decide to do. Not wanting another DC is one thing, being furious is unacceptable because the reality is that you are pregnant and it does take two people to do that. He needs to calm down and have a more balanced discussion with you about all the options.

SarfEasticated · 18/02/2015 08:54

Yes, it feels like the genie is out of the box, how can I trust/love him again. blimey!
Thanks all, you've all been so supportive :)

tobysmum77 · 18/02/2015 21:47

I'm really sorry to hear that things are so difficult . I was hoping you'd gone quiet because it was all sorted.

Zachmeister · 21/02/2015 20:11

I just wanted to share my experience with you to let you know you're not alone. 3 years ago I had a termination more for my dh's feelings rather than my own. I've regretted it every day since and had counselling etc. I really resented my hubby and was angry at myself etc however knew if our marriage was going to survive I had to find a way forward.(I already have 2 dcs) I had begun to come to terms with things and then fell pregnant again. My dh knew there was no way he could put me through our terrible experience. I'm now 20 weeks pregnant and in many ways it had made us stronger than ever, for me I feel a sense of atonement and my dh is finally speaking to a therapist re depression he has suffered on and off since he was a teenager. The sadness has now lifted for me. The counselling I had taught me that you can only be responsible for your own happiness ie I couldn't 'fix' my husband. I had to find the strength to say to my dh that he either comes with me on this journey or not...it was a horrible and scary conversation to have as he is my world but sometimes you need to find the strength to go with your gut. I hope everything turns out well for you, there's no easy answer xx

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 23/02/2015 08:53

So, after a lot of deliberation, I will be terminating. For lots of reasons, but mostly because of my age and the fact that I feel completely exhausted all the time, the fact I am half way through retraining for a dream career to work with children (which will be really full on), and to be honest, the thought of going back to baby phase horrifies me. DH was upset about it (see above) but we have since had lots of rational discussions about it, where he has said if I want to go ahead it will be fine. I guess I just don't want to. As much as I would love to give the blip a chance of life, I really don't see how it can work. I'll be 55 when they're 8. Thank you so much for all of your help and support, I have really appreciated it.

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Booboostoo · 23/02/2015 10:55

Good luck. I am glad you were able to talk things through with your DH and arrive at a joint decision.

Original poster

PlebsLeague · 01/03/2015 12:20

My appt is tomorrow, and I am dreading it. No idea how I will be able to live with the knowledge that I have killed my baby. OH has made it clear he is not interested in another baby, and that our lives will be easier if we don't go ahead with it, so I have the choice of living with this guilt for the rest of my life, or breaking up my family and my DD living in a broken home. I feel really wretched, and no idea what to do?

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