I'm pregnant and I don't want to be.

[feelinglikeaterriblehuman]

I don't want this. Probably 6 weeks along. Name changed for this. I need support. Please tell me about what's going to happen.

I'm frightened. And ashamed. I was on a new contraception. I thought I was doing it right but I obviously wasn't. I'm really ashamed. And I don't have anyone to tell but mumsnet.

I'm so pleased to hear it went well, feeling, and that you feel calmer now that you know what is going to happen. Only a few more days to go. Just relax as much as you can for those days and continue to be kind to yourself.

I understand what you mean about the pregnancy illness - well, to a degree, of course I have no idea what it feels like for you nor how brave you have been to move forward. But I, like other women on this board, terminated for HG. No one who has not suffered from some form serious pregnancy illness (mental or physical) can ever understand why you know, you really know in your gut, that you cannot go through another pregnancy. "So you felt a bit down? So you felt a bit sick? Tsk. No one breezes through pregnancy and babyhood, you know..."

Take care of yourself for the next few days. Trust your instincts and the gut feeling that tells you you have made the right decision.

Or people who say 'Mmm I had a touch of PND...' A touch? A fucking touch? I'm not trying to outdo people (I'm not) but 'a bit depressed' is not what this was. There is no magic bullet for this stuff. I tell people the meds and therapy helped because that's what people want to hear. In the same way they don't want to hear about the depths of my treatment. Spare the gory details and all that. No one wants to be friends with someone like that.

And the 'yes it's hard for everyone at first, but it doesn't last...' Except what about when it does?

thurlow I'm really sorry you've had that too

I've been following this thread since last week. Just wanted to wish you well for tues Feeling. You have been given amazing advise on here. I was in you position last week, which is how I stumbled across this thread. Do you know what I found conforting? When I read that the majority of women that have terminations are in their 30/40's and their reasons are to protect their existing family, whether financial reasons, mental health etc. at the end of the day it's the reasons that matter to you. So glad to hear you have a supportive partner also. I also distanced myself from all my friends for a couple of weeks, the last thing you need is people's opinions and constantly asking how you are. I wish you all the very best and will be thinking of you on tues

MN has opened my eyes over the years to a strikingly large proportion of women who say that are pro-choice but who still judge the reasons why someone has a termination. Ignore them all. There is someone out there who will judge everything we do. Sod 'em. We all should just do what we feel is the right thing.

You said you are feeling unwell again, which is not surprising - do you have access to counselling etc to help you at the moment?

myer I hope you are at peace with whatever outcome you had. It's frightening, isn't it? I feel like I've taken back control now, and that's important for me.

The advice on here has just been brilliant. So many wonderful women. I absolutely take my hat off to you all.

thurlow I do. BPAS have offered a referral and I will take it as it comes. I am rather hoping that with the hormones out of my system in a few weeks, and remaining open and honest with DH about my fears and thoughts as they crop up, the demons should stay where they belong.

That's great. It sounds like you are incredibly aware of how you are feeling, which can only be a good thing.

In Scotland, the pill option is fairly straightforward. You take one pill orally, then the other hormones are administered as a pessary within 48 hours. You're in hospital for day for the second one, as they like to confirm that there has been a complete evacuation. I had projectile vomiting and stomach cramps so bad they gave me morphine, but that all went as soon as it was over. I was home in my own bed that night, and back at work the next day.

If you've been offered counselling, I would take it. I wasn't offered, and had a few bad patches afterwards. Good luck x

Thank you, I felt total relief after. Very odd as for the last 9 years I've been telling my husband that i would love another baby, but a drunk accident happened and it made me realise that it actually isn't what I wanted at all. a 12 and 9 year age gap, sleepless nights, depression again and not being able to earn money and the huge impact it would've had on my kids and financial stress on my husband. My hormones now are all over the place and I feel tearful but I still feel we made right choice. Only time will tell.

Thurlow, you are so right. People say they understand but they look at it from their point of view rather than yours. Very few people understand true empathy, it's quite a skill to acquire

the demons should stay where they belong. here's hoping...but please allow yourself to be upset.happy about your choice & your situation.

I think I cried the whole way through my 3rd pregnancy. I finally terminated at 9 weeks (over Christmas, so had to wait as clinic was full, then closed, then I had pre-planned stuff with my girls that I didn't want to cancel) and I felt like I was under a black cloud! I have never felt like that before..

be kind to yourself, you are allowed to be happy/relieved when it is over & you are allowed to be sad too. Just let the feelings come & don't have any expectations of what you should be feeling.

Much love, I know what you are going through & I am happy to hand hold if needed.

(as an aside, my friend came with me & we spent the whole morning laughing about crap, which really helped!)

How are you doing today, feeling?

I'm up and down and that really is the hormones tbh. I'm aware of that so it makes it less frightening than last time.

I've also done some positive things today: I've chased up a new contract on better money (self employed), and made my family a big pie from scratch. Even though I'm feeling bad, I've still done those positive things. So I am a useful person, and my family benefits from me being healthy and alive.

Yes. They do. Not just because you do stuff. Because they love you and they love spending time with you.

Just checking in to see how you're getting on OP. Glad to hear things are moving forward and you feel secure in making the right decision. So sorry you've been so up and down. Pie and new contract both sound excellent though! It's important to remind yourself of how needed and loved you are, and how much life lies ahead with your family.

You're doing really well, feeling. Just don't overdo it. I know it's tempting to push on after having a difficult time.

And penguins is right, you mean a lot to your family because you are you. Not just for the things you do for them.

Hello again

feeling, thank you for your kind words and I'm glad that you are beginning to see a way through. Really hope you are feeling stronger.

If you don't mind, I will take you up on posting on your thread, there are so many amazing ladies here who have been so brave and helpful to post their experiences. Thank you in particular, Thurlow and Enormouse for also replying to my post - it made such a difference that someone was out there. Unfortunately, I'd gone into major blubbing mode having finally posted (I haven't told anyone in RL about this, except DH who has been wonderful) and it was clearly confusing poor little DS so I had to pull myself together, particularly with school run looming. "Poor little DS" has thoughtfully crawled into my bed again now though and I can't get back to sleep, head is whirling, so I thought I'd update - my apologies that it's going to be long and rambly.

So, I had my bpas consultation today - they were lovely but it struck me tonight that they didn't really offer counselling as such, just agreed that my reasons were valid and gave me lots of tissues. To those that asked, my gut feeling is not to continue - I don't want to terminate but I think it's just that I don't want to go through it if that makes sense. Every morning I wake up just hoping it's all gone away, which gives me my answer. But matters are complicated for me by being a Christian (ironically, I have always been much less 'convinced' than many in my church, have proceeded more in hope than anything, whereas now....) and I went to a very Catholic school which was massively pro-life. It's just not something I ever thought I'd have to contemplate.

But I do, and need to resolve it some way or another. I have booked for a medical termination a week on Tues (am currently 6 weeks) which gives a week to think things through. Much of my trouble stems from the fact that I think that we could manage another child, although I'm not sure I want to and most of it will fall on me -Dh is lovely (and being very supportive) but out of the house 6am-ish to 8pm-ish, so it's a long day. We have no family nearby, would all have to squeeze up a bit, but it could be do-able and I could always pay someone to help for a bit. And I'm sure if I went ahead I'd be delighted to meet a new baby. And things will be different - I won't have 3 under 5 this time, I could not EBF and share the load. It has struck me that the children may love a new sibling, DS would struggle initially but that's inevitable as the youngest

But, on the flip side, I've looked at the larger families board. There was a really interesting thread about whether or not people liked coming from a large family, and there were some who hated it (some loved it). Poor DD1 would doubtless end up helping lots, which she may or may not like, at least two of them will have to share a bedroom even when older (no possibility of extending, planning/money restrictions, though we could move, so not sure that's enough of a reason either) and it will restrict what I can do with them. DD1 will be in Y3 come September, and need more help with homework etc and DD2 will have moved up - and I can't help but feel that 3 to 4 children will be a massive jump and not really one I can deal with. And my little family is so lovely and I don't want to ruin it but feel that I'm going to whatever I do. And I'll be 42 this year and feel too old - but having filled in my medical form today I appear to be the picture of health. But I remember worrying about my parents when I was younger because they seemed so much older than other people's (and they were only in their 30s!).

My other thing is that it is just starting to get easier after a long time. I am pretty sure that I have had PND with 2 if not all 3 of my pregnancies, and that was after 3 very much wanted children. It was diagnosed with my 3rd but the support was pretty non-existent and I just had to battle through. I had a few attempts to get help but was so low that I took any set backs so personally that they just made me give up. I had started to feel stronger and had decided to try to find a counsellor, now ideally to help me before I take a decision and maybe that would help me if I had it, but I feel that I have been snappy and depressed for so much of DD1's life and this would just start it again. She'd be 11 by the time a new one got to this age and I don't think I'd be able to get things back on track with her. But I fear that a termination would also start it and that may never resolve itself because I can never undo my decision. I'm not sure that I could look my existing children in the eye.

So, I know what I need to do and want to do but am so so scared of doing it because then I can't undo it. I feel ashamed and guilty and fear that the only way not to feel like that forever would be to continue the pregnancy - but at what price to my existing DC. And I don't want to and surely it would be wrong to have an unwanted child, but then maybe I'd want it when I had it. I am going to spend next week making sure I explore absolutely every avenue practically and somehow or other hope that the hormones let me make a decision I can live with. Because at the moment it varies every ten minutes and I'm just so tired now.

Thank you to those of you who have got this far, this board helps so much - nowhere else have I found so many people who are so empathetic and kind.

xx

myheadhurts I hope you're okay. I know that Marie Stopes offer a telephone counselling service about a half hour appointment even if you don't go through a termination with them you can still get that service if you need it.

I do hope you manage to find some answers. I remember what it was like to be in that awful limbo not knowing which way to turn. I do think that continuing a pregnancy just out of guilt is not a great reason though I felt the same at the time of mine

myheadhurts for you. It's a very confusing time. Your reasons definitely are valid, I am pleased they told you that! It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, other than you & your immediate family.

My eldest was 5 & I found it hard to control the blubbing! She asked what was wrong & I simply told her I felt sick & was poorly. She seemed fine with that, and asked noting further. Good luck...please keep coming back & speaking to us, we know how you feel & will never judge you or ask your to justify anything! You can share anything, as we understand the process, both mentally & physically, of going through this.

OP (i refuse to call you by your NN as you are NOT a terrible human) I am pleased things are moving on for you.

When I had mine done (exactly the same process as yourself) I woke with nothing but relief & the hormones were out of my system pretty quickly.

I am so sorry you suffered horribly with your previous pregnancies.

Much love & good luck for Tuesday!

Myheadhurts - I want to say you're reasons are valid, but to say that implies that some reasons are invalid, which is not true, so instead, how about this - plenty of us understand your reasons. And plenty of us made the same choice. I feel for you so much though Keep talking on here if it helps

Op, glad you have had some positivity over the past few days. How was the pie?

My headhurts there is counselling available from bpas and Marie stopes, either over the phone or in person. They'll also offer a free post procedure counselling session. Keep posting here too, the ladies here are lovely and won't judge.

different I was the same. And I found the hormones and pregnancy symptoms were more or less completely gone after 2/3 days. A week on and my bleeding is very light.

Hello again, all.

Thank you so much all of you for your encouraging words and hand holding - it means a lot as there is no one in RL I know has been through this.

So, am feeling slightly stronger than last week. DH and I went away for a pre-planned night on Saturday and while this was in the back of my mind all the time, it did at least mean I got a full night's sleep - DS generally wanders in to our bed during the night (and you can guarantee on the nights he doesn't, DD2 does!) and at the moment I'm finding that once I wake, I can't get back to sleep. And then too many thoughts start swirling round my head and I end up more confused than before. And, having had a bit of sleep, it's amazing what a difference it makes - on the one hand it makes me somewhat cross that I have to take this decision with hardly any sleep and hormones raging - on the other, it is at least a reminder on how I struggle on a lack of sleep, and none of my 3 have been sleepers.

Anyway, I am as sure as I can be that I do not want another baby. I don't think I can manage another pregnancy, I will have even less time for each of my children individually (including a new one) and I do worry about the impact on my mental health, it's not going well thus far!! And I'm 41!! But alongside all of that, I am not sure that I can go through a termination and am really worried that i will will massively regret a termination (the act rather than the outcome, if that makes sense) and that will have even more of a negative impact on us all. So, while the gut feeling is that I don't want another, i am massively worried about what will happen if I go ahead - I have seen so many people saying that they regret it. So at the moment, I vary between being absolutely certain that I will terminate, and then convinced that the only choice is to have it, otherwise I will never be able to live with myself, I will probably be delighted when it turns up and the children (well, the DDs) would probably be delighted too. And possibly horrified one day if they found out I'd terminated a pregnancy and a potential sibling. It would make the next 3 years hard but who's to say that in 3 years' time I might sit and be really pleased that we did it. But at the same time, all I want is not to be pregnant and be able to get on with life with my family. But then I look at them all and think what lovely little people they're turning into and how they were this tiny once. Although I was feeling distinctly unsentimental after school run this morning and adamant there was no way I could manage any more!!

I have a medical termination booked for Tues-Weds next week and really hope to feel a little more certain by then. I went to see my GP today who was lovely but not really terribly helpful. I am trying to find a truly impartial counsellor (will book a phone appointment with Marie Stopes too) who I could then talk to on an ongoing basis and hoped she could refer to someone but no joy as yet. Another week of angst beckons. I really just want it to be over but worry that when it is it won't be.

Sorry, yet another epic rambly post - but thank you so much being there.

Feeling, I really hope you are ok. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

You poor thing, head. It's so much to take in, isn't it? And like you say, you're trying to make a decision when you are scared and in shock and hormonal.

Booking the appointment sounds sensible because then it is there if you want to take it, but you can of course walk away at any moment before you take that first tablet.

You know that sadly no one can tell you that what you decide will turn out to be the right decision. All I want to say, as just one very personal opinion and experience, is that not everyone regrets the decision. I know no one can promise you that you won't, but I just wanted to say that it is not a given.

myheadhurts I have been in your position and the to-ing and fro-ing you're doing in terms of making a decision is very familiar. The exact same things ran through my head. I'm also a Christian so i too had all that conflict going on.

Its so difficult. I remember feeling the same way-I didn't want another baby but i didn't want a termination either.

I wish you all the best and just know whichever decision you make will be the right one and you will be okay either way