Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

Ah welcome back NaiveNewbie. I'm glad you read the whole thread as hopefully you saw me reassuring you that people are listing the hard things because that's what you asked for. Please consider starting a thread asking what's so great because you'll be so pleased you did. I can sum up in a couple of paragraphs why it was hard at first. It would take me an age to tell you the exquisite perfection of seeing your own child grow, the utter agony of being so open and vulnerable to the most beautiful thing you have ever had the privilege of knowing. When you look back at the hard times, it is those things you remember. How your dh sobbed big manly tears the first time his dd giggled openly at his raspberry blowing, how proud you were of being the cleverest human alive to produce such a breathtaking creature and how you cannot understand why the world didn't feel empty before your child because nothing is as colossal as their very existence.

You are about to do something that is so wonderful and while bits of it are hard, being prepared in advance for how you might cope is the key.

Remember this. The hard bits get easier. They sleep longer. They feed less. They cry less. They communicate more. That bit is in constant flux. The great bits, the love, the wonder, the awe, that never changes but increases. That is why we do this over and over again as a species because you don't know your capacity to love until you have a child.

lovely post, SoH.

Just wanted to add one small thing, not sure how widespread it is but most of the mums I know in RL had it - day 5 post-birth can be a lot bit of a downer. I spent most of it in tears for completely unaccountable reasons - and then phoned some friends who said, ah yes, Day 5 - that's when the shock kicks in.
I don't know whether or not that is the reason, or whether it is the hormonal "come-down" or what - but it can happen.

Oh yes thumbwitch, he baby blues. Mine was day 4. It's normal when it happens NaiveNewbie and it passes. If it doesn't pass or worsens then talk to your hv or midwife, please. On day 4 I couldn't stop crying and didn't know what was wrong. It's the hormonal comedown and the adrenalin of labour/birth dissipating. Be so very gentle, prepare your partner and do whatever you need to get through those days in particular.

That was a lovely post ShowOfHands - you are so much more eloquent than me.

NaiveNewby - you will be just fine and remember if it really was so awful everybody would only have one child. Every single grandmother gets a bit misty eyed when they talk about their children being babies and toddlers. It is hard but so worth it.

ShowOfHands you have just made me cry.

I think eloquent is a nice way of saying waffly really isn't it TCF?

This thread has made me laugh so much, I have a 10 wek old sleep whi is a sleep avoider at the moment and it is so good to know that I am not alone and that there will always be people better off and worse off than me

Just before you completely despair Newbie you might want to read some of the posts VERY carefully and you will notice quite a common theme in them a lot of the posters while telling you how hard it is will also be comparing their children (plural as in they have done it more than once now would you really do something more than once which was all bad?)

It is hard work no matter how good your baby is but I have found that because I have entered the new born stage expecting it to be really hard it generally hasn't been as bad as I was expecting, I have read so many posts I can't remember who said that they had very low expectations of what they could get done and I think this is a very good frame of mind to be in that way everything you manage feels like an achievement rather than feeling you have failed to achieve everything

Relax and enjoy your baby they don't stay stay babies for long.

I have to say this post has made me feel so much better!

My boy is now 9 weeks old and we are having a "difficult" day, with so far a large vomit, a surprise squirty poo on my dressing gown and some overtired panicky crying. solution is mn via my Wii while he catches up on some sleep in my arms after a feed. Yes there has been gazing...

I managed to get a wash on, it`s still in the feckin machine though.

it's great even when your head is mince, when you see the wee face smiling at you

i distinctly remember wondering what on earth could be so difficult about it, all babies do is sleep, surely...?

and now i can't really remember it too clearly, and the little flashes of memory i do have are despairing of breastfeeding, bus-crash-fanjo memories.... but i also remember lying awake in the hospital after she was born looking at her and just feeling utterly amazed she is ten months old now, and still amazing. you'll be fine, the hard bits do pass

I found the hardest thing (apart from lack of sleep) was the loss of control over how your day will be. You don't even know what time you'll wake up, go to bed, or at what point you'll be able to do anything that you want to do. On the other hand, DS1 (age 2) makes me laugh much more than I ever did before he was born, and DS2 (4 months) has cheeks and a neck that are very satisfying to kiss and snuggle.

You sound like you're made of the right stuff, NN - flexibility is key, after all! I'm sitting here with 8 week old ds asleep, 3 yo dd playing postman and bringing me parcels, and they are such beautiful people, the pair of them, I'm amazed that I managed to make them. Now, I have only had 2hrs sleep in the last 24, but I feel great - it's wonderful. I

Ha Ha Ha!

It was not the eating or sleeping in my case but the crying that sometimes continued for ages. You have no idea what is wrong and it is just hard to listen too. Now that he is 6 months it is hard but in a different way - he is more fun to be around and so interesting but he just wants to be entertained the whole time.

People say all sorts of irritating things, some true, some not.

I have a four year old DD and am 23 weks with no2.

I would say that it IS hard to continue doing everything in exactly the way you always have, bsically because babies need round the clock attention and are relying on yo for everything! The most noticebale thing is the sleep deprivation, because tiny babies NEED to be fed every few hours for the first few weeks and you'll be up and down in the night which leads to extreme tiredness and irritation which then impacts on your day to day stuff. Plus, everytime you leave the house, you need to take a whole load of baby parphernalia with you and no longer just yourself and your handbag!

Anyway, it does change your life, buy it's wonderful.

Good luck
MLM

do buy a nice changing bag,for all the gubbins you will carry

lin & leo

oi oi

I wish I had someone who could help me when my kids were born. At the beginning you need to feed you child every three hours, day and night; cook, clean and find time to eat. If you have one child then it is a bit easier because you can find time to have a nap. But when my 2nd child was born I have hardly had any naps because you have to watch the older one who does not want to sleep during the day. If you have a nanny that could help then great, good for you. You will understand more when the kid is born. ;)

SOH - I'm so glad you wrote that. I am TTC at the moment and having read this thread was seriously considering sewing my fanjo up with a needle and thread and running off to become a nun. I may reconsider having read your beautiful post...

Showofhands - not waffly at all - made me cry (proper tears)before I go and put my gorgeous, fun, breathtaking 7mo DS to bed....

NN- she's right it is hard and tiring but the experience is the most overwhelming, amazing think i have ever done....

...and I never realised DS would be so much fun so early in life - I'm having a ball.

Off to give said DS a big kiss and cuddle.

NaiveNewbie - I've taken the liberty of starting an alternate thread for you here, I hope some people pop by and add their comments too.

Really interesting thread.

Personally, I found that some things were loads easier than people said they would be, and some of the scare stories were unfounded for me. e.g. I didn't feel like a 'completely different person', didn't lose all my previous interests, still had time to read books and watch telly, still went out in the evening - though obviously less often.

But in other ways it is terrifyingly hard and no-one can ever prepare you for that: the sleep (and I've been relatively lucky), the total responsibility 24/7 for another human being, the sheer relentlessness of it, the boredom and the domestic drudgery. Also the inequality - this was the main thing I found hard to come to terms with initially when my husband was forced back to work after 2 weeks due to our shocking parental leave system in this country (but that's a rant for another thread...)

DS1 was the biggest shock to my system in my whole entire life. Before his birth, whatever people said about it changing your life went over my head (la-di-do-da-di-do-da...). Nothing prepares you for a newborn baby. Lots of people here have great advice and have summed it up nicely. I had issues with DS1 from day 1 - he was tongue-tie, I had supply issue, BF-ing almost killed me (well, almost sent me into PND anyway), he was a screamer, a difficult baby, didn't smile for ages etc etc. I thought I would sail serenely into the sunset of motherhood, I didn't. I barely survived and almost drowned!

I just have one thing to add (if it hasn't been said enough already): DO NOT NEGLECT YOUR DH OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. You do not know what kind of parent you are going to be until you become one and it is so hard on your relationship when you are stressed, sleep-deprived and just cannot just get out for some perspective (not when you have a newborn who depends on you). Hard as it may be, try and get out for some couple time early on. DS1 was PFB and DH and I never went out or left him. He is now 21 months old, he started staying overnight with my in-laws lately, I have a friend who takes turns to babysit so we can have couple time and we have rebuilt out relationship but it was very touch and go for a while... And keep talking to each other. DH and I probably came closest we ever had to breaking up in the first year of DS1's life.

We now have a 3-week-old DS2 and I feel so complete now. Things are so much easier the second time round. You do what you can to survive - whether that is feeding the baby while trying to lob food into DS1's mouth in front of the TV (another one of those I-will-never-do-this-when-I-become-a-mother out of the window...). DH and I are enjoying parenthood the second time round much better. And DS1 is now such a beautiful boy despite of the difficult start we had. It's the domestic drudgery that is doing my head in at the moment though - I forget how boring it can be with a newborn that sleeps and wakes at unexpected times! Good luck!

tbh,mat really confirmed for me that i missed work

i missed a conversation about anything other than
baby wt
feeding
red book
i found it largely stultifying and the domestic grind so dull. got envious of dp heading out the door to work

Before I had my first, I also really wondered what the big deal was... I think what threw me was if I hadn't just given birth I would have had no problem looking after a newborn. But my body was exhausted, tired, lacking iron etc. etc. and I hadn't considered that I wouldn't be operating at full strength. Then of course there is the lack of sleep and those crazy hormones doing crazy things to your normally rational mind. But hey - it really doesn't last forever and my third is now a year old and it is hard to remember back to why it was so hard.