Don't shoot me but... what exactly is so hard about having a baby?

[Naivenewbie]

Ok, I know that sounds like I'm be deliberately provocative. I'm not really. But I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks (eek!) and am just wondering what specifically it is that turns your world upside down? Don't they just eat and sleep at the beginning? Seriously, don't think I'm taking the piss. I am just genuinely wondering why my house has to turn into a pig-sty, why I apparently won't be able to get out of my pyjamas before bedtime, cook a meal, wash my clothes etc. People keep implying these things to me and, whilst I am open to them (rather like my PJs actually), Im just wondering why it's the case...

I said to my friend recently about her new-born, can't you try to sleep when he does? And she said it's not that easy, you find so many things to do. And I'm wondering - WHAT?

babies arent devious creatures who seek to trick or be smug. they are emergent personalities learning about a big new scary world and mum is suposed to help you understand that.by picking up and responding.not tutting thinking - hmm smug again

Attention seeking? Yeah, right, all these drama queen babies.

If babies aren't picked up they just stop bothering. What a lovely lesson to learn in your first year of life - that nobody can be bothered.

of course people are bothered,but there is a big difference between a whimper and a needy gutsy cry, surely?

Sleep deprevation? nappies? feeding? crying...? Ahhhh, what bliss!
At least theyre there under your constant watch.The hard work comes later when they become teenagers, go out & innocently forget to call while you remember the mischief & potencially dangerous situations you used to get into as a child. When you look at the clock & realise with your heart in your throat that they shouldve walked through the door 15 mins ago & you wonder why they haven't yet...
I have a 14 year old girl & a 6 wk old boy. Forget the house work or what people think you should do. Just hold baby, hug & kiss them at every oportunity because this part is the easy one & it won't last forever....

Hard about having a baby? Nowt! In comparison to the next 18yrs

My MiL and AlyPaly must have had the same midwife. She said don't pick DS up, let him cry or he'll always expect you to be there, get him in his own room at 1 week. Stick him in his cot during the day so you can get on with housework . I am so glad I knew she was a twat early on so didn't take any of her advice. OK, you can leave a 9 month old to grizzle for a bit in their cot in the morning whilst you pop to the loo and get your dressing gown on, but I wouldn't even dream of not picking up a crying newborn.

What everyone else said. We could never put DS down, so it took hours to achieve anything. And I didn't ask for enough help, as I'm an idiot.

Looking after toddler is a breeze in comparison to newborn (so far!).

My view is that a very young baby spends a lot of its early life working out what kind of a world it has dropped in to. There's evidence this happens as early as in the womb (see the excellent Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers for a long explanation of why). If you convince them they are in a loving home by giving them lots of cuddles they will become secure - and as a result be happy to be by themselves for short periods because they trust all is well.

I held on to this view while being constantly warned in the early days of my DD's life that if I didn't leave her alone she'd never want to be put down. And I maintain that now - at 13 weeks and quite happy to bash at things in her gym while I Mumsnet get on with stuff - that early intensive cuddling has worked.

If it was really so horrendous and terrible no one would ever have more than one.

So the truth is that no matter how terrible all of these experiences seem, there must be something enormously good about it too.

And there is.

It's the reason lots of new mums are intensely boring, and something you cannot explain until you're in the middle of it (and then no one really cares, because they've either done it themselves or don't know what you're going on about).

That love feeling that you have for a child is not the same as the love you have for anyone else. I love my mum, my brothers and sisters, my friends, my husband, but I love my children with a ferocity that is in its own class. IT is all consuming, incredible, and something that you won't know until it happens.

And it makes up for all the cracked nipples and sleepless nights and the tough bits (which all pass in time).

Those days when you are tired beyond words and hurting, but smiling as you look at this little blob doing nothing in front of you, filled with, well, fullness I suppose. Worth every second.

ah but you dont know til you have one.cant hand em back

imo better to honestly admit it can be horrendous initially. better than the much touted etheral-new-mum-high-on-motherhood-living-the-dream who still manages to run a cup cake business and keep trim

no one said dont cuddle them ever...just doesnt have to be all the time. My boys were cuddled and are cuddled andare loved and cuddled even in their teenage years and have never had any feelings of insecurity whatsoever. They know hey are loved and they love both mum and dad

Quite insulting bambino about my midwife....never did us any harm at all..we are a very close unit....2DS's and me

my friend who is alot older than me has become the guardian for her granddaughter as parents have gone off the rails. She is a screamer and has been since birth...she is now four. My friend has picked up and carried this child,attached to her hip for 4 years and she crioes all the time when she is put down. Now grandma is so stressed as she cant live without granddaughter riding on hip..to stop her crying. She just wants to be picked up all the time...it is like pavlovs dogs to me any way. She told me she wished she hadnt got into that habit as she cant do anything around the house

But, Alypaly, I love my MiL

Yes they do just eat and sleep in the beginning but some of them also cry really badly. The feeding is almost constant and the crying can be as well. If you use a sling it helps cos you can be feeding, cuddling and comforting them all at the same time as cooking and cleaning if you wish to do so rather than just vegging out on the sofa because you are so sleep deprived. If you only have one you can sleep when they do but it doesn't work if you have more than one child. Even if you do sleep when they do napping is not as good as a long stretch of sleep which you won't be able to do for a good while.

Aly - I think you may have a point - sort of - but using language like "baby is smug" "they do it for comfort" and "Pavlov's dog" is not helping your message IMO.

If you'd said "you might find it useful to explore other ways of comforting your baby when he cries" then I think people wouldn't have got so prickly.

Your tone was a bit too Verity whatserface for comfort.

Naivenewbie this has all been said already... But I'll give you my two pence worth. I'm 8 weeks in of being a first time mum and can tell you it is not easy!! (But so rewarding - my DS is so beautiful and I can't believe how lucky I am. Anyway gushing over)

I breastfed - which meant I cried nearly every night for the first 3 weeks as couldn't do it properly.

DS is a velcro baby - he sleeps near/on me or DH. When you have your baby asleep you spend most of it awake staring at him lovingly or in a paranoid manner checking his breathing.

Housework - get a cleaner, seriously. I barely have time to have a shower let alone wash up as I'm either feeding, holding a sleeping baby, changing nappies or entertaining a baby. I can only mumsnet via my mobile whilst feeding - not able to get on the computer!!!

Good luck! And as others have said, keep your OP and read it when your baby arrives. And congratulations - welcome to mummyhood

please tell me which post i said baby is smug and i will have a read.

I said 'so smug,NOT'.....referring to me,(is i had a prem baby,so i know it can be hard)unless you have misinterpreted the post

funwithfondue....im not 90 yet.

@12.33

"babies can be the best 'salespeople in the world'...i.e i cry,you pick me up...now im smug baby cos youve responded."

you are really trotting out the clichés now aly

never did us any harm
let them fit in with you...
dont pick them up all the time...
you will make a rod for your own back,crying doesnt kill.

babies cant be trained or shown who is boss,you build a relationship which initially centres on meting their needs. you prioritise to their needs, these priorities change over time

"babies can be the best 'salespeople in the world'...i.e i cry,you pick me up...now im smug baby cos youve responded"

This reads as the baby is "smug" because the mother has responded.

If you didn't mean it that way then please clarify what you did mean, because I'm not the only person who interpreted it that way.

Also your advice about the baby not needing to be in the room is completely contrary to cot death advice.

definite smug.inferring manipulative baby smug it controlled mum

Also the Pavlov's dog comparison is odd - I am not sure who is supposed to be the dog, the baby or the mother, but either way it's the completely the wrong way round.

The Pavlov's dog experiment is to show a conditioned response to a stimulus. The dog has been trained to act in an unnatural way (there is nothing instinctive in salivating at the sound of a bell).

A baby crying because they need comfort, or a mother running to her baby because it cries is completely the opposite - it's NOT a conditioned response, it's a natural hormonal instinctive response.

Just read what alypaly said - reminded me of something that happened the other day. A mum of a 2 month DS was letting him scream his head off (bright red, fists clenched etc) and she just looked at him lying on the floor and said "you're fed, clean etc what do you want?". And ignored him while cooing over another baby FFS (I was riled big time and kept thinking AIBU).
She also kept looking at him and telling him he shouldn't be "awake" - naughty sneaky baby for not following his routine.

Crying newborn babies cry because they need something.They dont have the brain power to manipulate - they can't even control their arms/legs yet!!

I've taken the conscious decision to tend to my little DS and not leave him to get hysterical - as a result he hardly cries. This is because he tells me when he is hungry/tired/bored before crying. And yes, I can leave the room and he happily plays, he occasionally sleeps in his cot (but as a co-sleeper he sleeps with me). I don't plan to spoil him but at this early stage, you can't.

Maybe I've created a rod for my own back but I'm in awe of just how much my DS can communicate already. That rod will make me stand up and be proud!

How smug do I sound..? Oh dear.