I've been depressed for about a year and a half now and have taken it all out on my DW. She has been patient and kind to me and I have been abusive an cruel back (not physically abusive, but emotionally nasty). I told her it was all her fault that I was down, and she just took it and looked after me. I convinced her that she had issues and smashed her self-esteem, so that the focus wasn't on me. I refused to get help until one night when I finally took it too far and humiliated her in front of my friends. We managed to sort things out and she persuaded me to get counselling and start taking ADs.
Unfortunately I knew best and stopped taking them - which led to the day she had to take me to the doctors to stop me from doing something really terrible.
A couple of months after this I decided I was better (I now know that it was the ADs kicking in, but I didn't want to be the pathetic man on ADs), so stopped taking the ADs - without telling her or my GP or my counsellor. My behaviour towards her got worse. This coincided with us finding out that she is preg with dc3 (something we both wanted, although the timing was terrible). We had had miscarriages before and so the first few months were very stressful for her.
I didn't do anything to help as I was spiralling down again. In fact I shouted at her when she cried or got sad because it made me feel worse.
Then the day of her scan - when she asked me to be there for her because she was so sure the baby was dead - I went walkabout and left her to cope on her own. She even forgave me for that. But I kept on being nasty and selfish and cruel to her. And she was being there for me less and less, so I got worse and worse. Until she found out that I wasn't taking my ADs and was so upset. I told her it was none of her business - which I regret, but it was how I felt (which is ridiculous when you consider that she was the only person being really affected by my behaviour).
She was so sad. I told her I would get better and went back on ADs - but a lower dose. She said she couldn't cope with me anymore But I knew I could be her husband again if she let me.
She is so scared of losing the baby and I keep making everything about me.
She has given me so many chances and I have blown them all. I want to be better, but it's so hard to keep thinking about her needs.
She's now in her 3rd trimester. She's sad and lonely and crippled by hip problems. She says she doesn't know if she wants me to be at the birth or not, or if we can make it.
I can't help but take it personally if she is hormonal or upset. I find jobs to do around the house so I don't have to be in the same room as her.
I want to make her feel special. I've barely even treated her as a human throughout this pregnancy, let alone as the mother of my children and the goddess that she is. I promise her the world and deliver nothing.
Please, please, please can you suggest ways that I can make this up to her. How can I treat her in a way that is real and not just papering over the cracks. I want to show her that I love her. I am trying to change my behaviour, but I need to make it up to her too.
Any suggestions? Leaving the house is diffficult for her and the dcs are always here too. I need little ways to treat her everyday and big ways to show her that I'm thinking of her.
All you lovely mums out there, please help.