I have treated my pregnant wife like utter cr*p. What can I do to make it up to her?

[Badhusband]

I've been depressed for about a year and a half now and have taken it all out on my DW. She has been patient and kind to me and I have been abusive an cruel back (not physically abusive, but emotionally nasty). I told her it was all her fault that I was down, and she just took it and looked after me. I convinced her that she had issues and smashed her self-esteem, so that the focus wasn't on me. I refused to get help until one night when I finally took it too far and humiliated her in front of my friends. We managed to sort things out and she persuaded me to get counselling and start taking ADs.

Unfortunately I knew best and stopped taking them - which led to the day she had to take me to the doctors to stop me from doing something really terrible.

A couple of months after this I decided I was better (I now know that it was the ADs kicking in, but I didn't want to be the pathetic man on ADs), so stopped taking the ADs - without telling her or my GP or my counsellor. My behaviour towards her got worse. This coincided with us finding out that she is preg with dc3 (something we both wanted, although the timing was terrible). We had had miscarriages before and so the first few months were very stressful for her.

I didn't do anything to help as I was spiralling down again. In fact I shouted at her when she cried or got sad because it made me feel worse.

Then the day of her scan - when she asked me to be there for her because she was so sure the baby was dead - I went walkabout and left her to cope on her own. She even forgave me for that. But I kept on being nasty and selfish and cruel to her. And she was being there for me less and less, so I got worse and worse. Until she found out that I wasn't taking my ADs and was so upset. I told her it was none of her business - which I regret, but it was how I felt (which is ridiculous when you consider that she was the only person being really affected by my behaviour).

She was so sad. I told her I would get better and went back on ADs - but a lower dose. She said she couldn't cope with me anymore But I knew I could be her husband again if she let me.

She is so scared of losing the baby and I keep making everything about me.

She has given me so many chances and I have blown them all. I want to be better, but it's so hard to keep thinking about her needs.

She's now in her 3rd trimester. She's sad and lonely and crippled by hip problems. She says she doesn't know if she wants me to be at the birth or not, or if we can make it.

I can't help but take it personally if she is hormonal or upset. I find jobs to do around the house so I don't have to be in the same room as her.

I want to make her feel special. I've barely even treated her as a human throughout this pregnancy, let alone as the mother of my children and the goddess that she is. I promise her the world and deliver nothing.

Please, please, please can you suggest ways that I can make this up to her. How can I treat her in a way that is real and not just papering over the cracks. I want to show her that I love her. I am trying to change my behaviour, but I need to make it up to her too.

Any suggestions? Leaving the house is diffficult for her and the dcs are always here too. I need little ways to treat her everyday and big ways to show her that I'm thinking of her.

All you lovely mums out there, please help.

Just a question - Is there anything you need from her? anything she can do to help?

Thanks for all the replies.

protecting - I'm not sure how to answer that. I need her to be there for me, but I know I'm currently demanding too much and I find it hard to be there for her in return. I guess I need her to accept that everyone makes mistakes. But again this is hard when the mistakes outweigh the successes. I find it very hard to see her pain as anything but an attack on me - which is selfish and unfair.

We seem to be stuck in a circle of :-

1. She forgives me for doing something hurtful/forgetting to do something important
2. I feel reassured
3. I do it again

I don't understand why I do it again. I don't want to. I know it hurts her. But I do.

And now I'm whining again. I just find it so hard to stick with this and the harder I find it the more I beat myself up for being useless. It's just so stupid.

No you are being honest - that takes a lot of courage

Starlight that's a brilliant idea. That way I'm not building up her expectations with promises of what I will do, I'm just doing it. And I do like lists.

I need to get myself together and start making a real effort to talk and listen to her every day. This was one of the things she asked me to do - to instigate an indepth conversation as often as possible to try to help get communication going. But I haven't done it even once. And I know that makes her sad too. (The only talks we have are the ones she instigates). But I do find it difficult as she often ends up frustrated by me, and from what you lot are telling me, that might have something to do with the whining.

Badhusband, I've only read your OP, so apologies if I'm misrepresenting or repeating.

I think the first thing you need is to make sure you tackle your depression head-on. When you're depressed it's the last thing you want to do; however for your sake and the sake of your family you need to ignore your lack of motivation and just take the necessary steps to deal with it.

Have you ever had any kind of non-drug therapy for your depression? It can be enormously beneficial by helping you to understand the causes of your depression, what makes it worse, what makes it better, how you can override certain tendencies, etc.

A good friend and therapist highly recommends a school of therapy called Human Givens. On this link you can search for a therapist. Their approach is broad and holistic so (in my humble opinion as a psychology graduate) has a stronger potential to help than some therapies which have a narrow view of what makes us human.

I really hope you can find a way to overcome this. It will take many years of work but things can and will get better. This would be the best gift you can possibly give your wife.

All the very best to you!

lots of great advice here
Could I just say also that if you do do as starlight has suggested, don't expect anything in return. Don't expect praise or thanks and don't feel hurt if you don't get it. You will not be going out of your way, you will just be fulfilling your proper role as a caring, loving husband. Obv if she notices and is grateful then that's great. But the worst thing would be to do that for a week and then get huffy with her because she hasn't been eternally grateful!

Good advice Dracula, and I will try not to expect anything - even her noticing. In fact I will try to do nice things that she won't notice too, just because they need doing. But most importantly I will try not to use "doing something nice" as an excuse to avoid talking through something hard.

DW said something to me the other day. She said that the time she feels closest to me is after we've had a teary and heartfelt conversation - even those with arguing in the middle - and we have listened to each other. Which is odd because I feel closest to her when we are not arguing or crying, when we watch TV together and laugh at the same things. I find it so hard to see any confrontation as a good thing and so do everything in my power to avoid it. But she sees it as positive and sharing.

We can't help you, what on earth are you doing here - there's nothing we can do to take the pressure off you really.
You need to get some professional help not come here being grandiose
It is attention seeking, sorry
I think it's awful.

She is already telling you what you are asking us to tell you

If you won't take it from her, what hope is there?

Because I don't always think straight. Because I am ill. Because the more help I get the more help I can give.

That's why I'm here. I don't mean to be attention seeking, but to be honest I mostly don't know why I do things these days. I have lost the link I had with my motivation. Having you lot affirm what DW tells me helps me to work out what is real and what is created by my illness.

But I do need to take responsibility for not listening to her. And the only way I can do that is by listening.

I want to be better. I want to be better for her. Is that so bad?

Oh I so identify with your dw on the feeling closest in that scenario. Maybe she doesn't see it as confrontation but as a positive step? You can talk and even argue without it being confrontation per se.

madamdeathstare, you're right. I need to stop looking for a quick fix and be in this for the long hall.

Dittany as hard as that is to hear (and it is) I cannot tell you you're wrong. There must be a payout for me. The obvious one is that by avoiding talking I am avoiding doing the difficult bits, but this always leads to bigger negative consequences afterwards, for both of us - her because she's angry and hurt, me because I feel guilty and have to deal with a bigger confrontation.

Do I want the attention? I don't know. I'm trying to be honest. I want to scream that "No, I want it to be all about her" but I need support. I need understanding. I need to be propped up by her. Which is unfair and selfish and drains her dry.

This has really made me think. I think about myself so negatively all the time, but I don't think I ever really look at the bits of me that are negative. I do think I'm rubbish and pointless and unlovable. But I avoid thinking that I am unreliable, irresponsible and self-centred. Because it hurts and it's true. And I have no idea what my point is.

What was your mother like?

Especially if you ever knew her pregnant, ie with a younger sibling

I'm the youngest.

She was... is, very domineering - her way or no way at all. I never stood up to her.

Why?

Because usually the way you treat a close partner, whom you love, is likely to be an extension of how you felt about/would like to have treated your mother.

A way of (subconsciously) getting your way at last iyswim.

And if your mum was a scary type you would be likely to go about it in a passive aggressive way - ie getitng depressed and being horrid rather than getting outright nasty without mitigation.

It makes a loe of sense in this case I think and if you are aware of it and your feelings towards your mum perhaps it might help you stop. Or I might be way off.!

Thanks ThePGhedgewitch.

I am certainly more unreliable and irresponsible now, but I've never been the most grown up husband around.

sit next to her on the couch to watch crappy tv and talk during the ad breaks

make her cups of tea and sit her down with a kiss to drink them while you tidy up in that room

go to bed at the same time as her rather than hours before or after

give her a backrub in the evening, she must be in bits with 3 kids and heavily pregnant, i know i am!

send her little texts during the day and ring her occasionally, just to say hi and check everythings ok.

pay attention and notice what things she's struggling to do with her bad hips/massive bump and help her do those things... don't just walk into another room doing random jobs... do the things that would actually make her life easier right now.

give her lie ins while you deal with the kids, without her having to listen to you getting grumpy and cross with them

bring her little treats when you come in and surprise her by arranging an evening out (ie you sort the babysitting, reservations, etc... not tell her you're bringing her out and expect her to deal with it all)

obviously do the things other wise posters have suggested too and some of my suggestions may not be applicable to you (i'm basing my presumptions of behaviour on my own depressed partner) but these are all things that would make me so happy after years of dealing with dp's depression.

another poster said 'depression is catching' and it's true..... you've probably already infected her so now it's your turn to mind her and make her feel better about herself.

Watusi that is interesting - I might bring it up with my counsellor.

Pinktulips - thanks, will do. Without expecting to be praised or get something back for any of it.

Ok
It can be hard to take things like that on board, and painful as well as scary

But deffo worth bringing into the picture imo particularly as you instantly identified a trait in your mum that would make most people angry.

Depression= turned in anger