I have treated my pregnant wife like utter cr*p. What can I do to make it up to her?

[Badhusband]

I've been depressed for about a year and a half now and have taken it all out on my DW. She has been patient and kind to me and I have been abusive an cruel back (not physically abusive, but emotionally nasty). I told her it was all her fault that I was down, and she just took it and looked after me. I convinced her that she had issues and smashed her self-esteem, so that the focus wasn't on me. I refused to get help until one night when I finally took it too far and humiliated her in front of my friends. We managed to sort things out and she persuaded me to get counselling and start taking ADs.

Unfortunately I knew best and stopped taking them - which led to the day she had to take me to the doctors to stop me from doing something really terrible.

A couple of months after this I decided I was better (I now know that it was the ADs kicking in, but I didn't want to be the pathetic man on ADs), so stopped taking the ADs - without telling her or my GP or my counsellor. My behaviour towards her got worse. This coincided with us finding out that she is preg with dc3 (something we both wanted, although the timing was terrible). We had had miscarriages before and so the first few months were very stressful for her.

I didn't do anything to help as I was spiralling down again. In fact I shouted at her when she cried or got sad because it made me feel worse.

Then the day of her scan - when she asked me to be there for her because she was so sure the baby was dead - I went walkabout and left her to cope on her own. She even forgave me for that. But I kept on being nasty and selfish and cruel to her. And she was being there for me less and less, so I got worse and worse. Until she found out that I wasn't taking my ADs and was so upset. I told her it was none of her business - which I regret, but it was how I felt (which is ridiculous when you consider that she was the only person being really affected by my behaviour).

She was so sad. I told her I would get better and went back on ADs - but a lower dose. She said she couldn't cope with me anymore But I knew I could be her husband again if she let me.

She is so scared of losing the baby and I keep making everything about me.

She has given me so many chances and I have blown them all. I want to be better, but it's so hard to keep thinking about her needs.

She's now in her 3rd trimester. She's sad and lonely and crippled by hip problems. She says she doesn't know if she wants me to be at the birth or not, or if we can make it.

I can't help but take it personally if she is hormonal or upset. I find jobs to do around the house so I don't have to be in the same room as her.

I want to make her feel special. I've barely even treated her as a human throughout this pregnancy, let alone as the mother of my children and the goddess that she is. I promise her the world and deliver nothing.

Please, please, please can you suggest ways that I can make this up to her. How can I treat her in a way that is real and not just papering over the cracks. I want to show her that I love her. I am trying to change my behaviour, but I need to make it up to her too.

Any suggestions? Leaving the house is diffficult for her and the dcs are always here too. I need little ways to treat her everyday and big ways to show her that I'm thinking of her.

All you lovely mums out there, please help.

Okay...now having read BHW...
Holy Moley...
Badhusband...... talking is nice but only actions can repair the damage. Sounds like you're forgiving yourself and don't feel like doing any of the hard stuff??

I've been trying to work out where to go for weeks if I'm honest. If I go to my family (they know about his illness, unlike his own family) they will do everything in their power to persuade me to come home - it's all they've done so far, often feel as though they are more worried about him than me.

My closest friend is abroad and has been a brilliant support, but has no room for me (even if I could afford flights) let alone dcs.

I need someone who will support me in my decision, as obviously I want to be convinced that being with him is the solution.

The other option is that he just moves out and I cope without support - which is probably the most sensible, but will also be hardest (particularly physically), and it relies on him being willing to go (which he isn't).

A few weeks ago when I broke down in front of my mother and said I couldn't cope, she just said that we all make mistakes and this wasn't the time to talk about it

Don't worry about number of dcs - I lose count sometimes

Ah it doesn't sound like your family fully understands the enormity of what you're going throguh, then

Or maybe doesn't want to. Lots of people find it hard to recognise that things aren't all rosy in a marriage. Which doesn't help you much really.

Okay, there is the option of him leaving but I am not sure how you could accomplish this.

Obviously it would be best for the children and for you - any upheaval for them isn't good at the same time as a parental separation, even a temporary one - and if it is temporary, staying put will be much easier all round as they'll still be able to carry on witht heir usual lives and school and so on. So if he does care about you all as much as he says, he will have to consider it.

I think you might be wise to get some advice about this from others on here - I've never been married or had a house together with someone, so am not sure how it works.

But I don't think either of you need fear a temporary split. It is a choice you both have about whether to continue with things the way they are, or to try and sort your respective selves and lives out initially then perhaps go abck to it.

Nobody is going to make you divorce, you get to take some time and think about it.

I hope someone else can advise you further.
Sorry you're going through the mill. xx

Thanks Flight. I think this thread is a bit long for anyone but the most dedicated readers to make it to the end

Not up to starting a new one at the moment. I'm going to have think and maybe call someone.

Thanks again to everyone.

Why don't you start with a friendly ear. The samaritans are a fantastic sounding board to sort out how you're really feeling.

Right, have started my own thread here

Divine I am seeing my GP this afternoon, so hopefully get some support there. Thank you

badhusbandswife - what you said about him having to take responsibility for his actions despite his depression........I totally agree. There are personality issues there that he needs to deal with. He started a thread seemingly wanting to tackle his issues, yet his stance still seems way too passive. You asked him to organise a holiday and he wouldn't do it, yet he's asking for advice re big gestures. Not surprised you're angry.

I was in a relationship with someone very similar to you six years ago. The only thing that made me leave after months of dreadful emotional abuse was when he actually hit me. You say you haven't gone that far, which is very good, but I do know what the emotional abuse feels like.

Even now, married to a wonderful man, I bear the scars of that relationship. I often think my ex only broke me down to convince himself that I really loved him - when I was a dreadful mess, crying slumped on the floor, it made him feel he had some control over me. He also used to storm off, which was incredibly stressful too.

My question to you is, are you capable of putting someone else first? As a husband, and a father, you should be. Until you can get your head around the idea of caring about someone else's needs above your own, you won't get anywhere. So have the CBT, and anger management, and anti-depressants, and stay on them. Anything less, and you will damage your children as well as your wife. Your wife should go for her own counselling as well. If she's gone through what I went through, she will need it. Her self-esteem will be in tatters.

As far as big gestures go, it's not about Paris or flowers or any of that rubbish. It's about taking your tablets at a proper dose and not being selfish.

Erm, obviously I'm talking to the husband, not the wife!

I'd start by showing her your post. Then I would go and see your Dr and discuss your meds to make sure you are taking the right ones and some counselling or some CBT. Sometimes it takes a few tries to stick treatment through to the end. It took me 3 tries over 10 years to actually stick it all through until I really started to feel better each time I thought I was better and I jacked it in but I never stuck it long enough for it to make a lasting difference.

There is nothing to be ashamed of in being depressed or in taking ADs or seeking therapy. It's an illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain and it needs treating just as any illness does. It isn't something that you did wrong that made you depressed and it isn't because you are weak or you failed in some way, you are just ill.

Depression takes its toll on the people around us as much as it does on us. There is a book called sunbathing in the rain that you and your wife could read which casts a bit of light for both parties on what it is like for the other half in this situation.

bother, sorry badhusbandswife I should have read thread to the end.