I have treated my pregnant wife like utter cr*p. What can I do to make it up to her?

[Badhusband]

I've been depressed for about a year and a half now and have taken it all out on my DW. She has been patient and kind to me and I have been abusive an cruel back (not physically abusive, but emotionally nasty). I told her it was all her fault that I was down, and she just took it and looked after me. I convinced her that she had issues and smashed her self-esteem, so that the focus wasn't on me. I refused to get help until one night when I finally took it too far and humiliated her in front of my friends. We managed to sort things out and she persuaded me to get counselling and start taking ADs.

Unfortunately I knew best and stopped taking them - which led to the day she had to take me to the doctors to stop me from doing something really terrible.

A couple of months after this I decided I was better (I now know that it was the ADs kicking in, but I didn't want to be the pathetic man on ADs), so stopped taking the ADs - without telling her or my GP or my counsellor. My behaviour towards her got worse. This coincided with us finding out that she is preg with dc3 (something we both wanted, although the timing was terrible). We had had miscarriages before and so the first few months were very stressful for her.

I didn't do anything to help as I was spiralling down again. In fact I shouted at her when she cried or got sad because it made me feel worse.

Then the day of her scan - when she asked me to be there for her because she was so sure the baby was dead - I went walkabout and left her to cope on her own. She even forgave me for that. But I kept on being nasty and selfish and cruel to her. And she was being there for me less and less, so I got worse and worse. Until she found out that I wasn't taking my ADs and was so upset. I told her it was none of her business - which I regret, but it was how I felt (which is ridiculous when you consider that she was the only person being really affected by my behaviour).

She was so sad. I told her I would get better and went back on ADs - but a lower dose. She said she couldn't cope with me anymore But I knew I could be her husband again if she let me.

She is so scared of losing the baby and I keep making everything about me.

She has given me so many chances and I have blown them all. I want to be better, but it's so hard to keep thinking about her needs.

She's now in her 3rd trimester. She's sad and lonely and crippled by hip problems. She says she doesn't know if she wants me to be at the birth or not, or if we can make it.

I can't help but take it personally if she is hormonal or upset. I find jobs to do around the house so I don't have to be in the same room as her.

I want to make her feel special. I've barely even treated her as a human throughout this pregnancy, let alone as the mother of my children and the goddess that she is. I promise her the world and deliver nothing.

Please, please, please can you suggest ways that I can make this up to her. How can I treat her in a way that is real and not just papering over the cracks. I want to show her that I love her. I am trying to change my behaviour, but I need to make it up to her too.

Any suggestions? Leaving the house is diffficult for her and the dcs are always here too. I need little ways to treat her everyday and big ways to show her that I'm thinking of her.

All you lovely mums out there, please help.

I do not mean to beat you with a stick: you are clearly doing a great job with that yourself. What I am trying to say, is it would be more useful if you redirected your energies at getting better because this is what will make your wife happy, not any kind of treat.

It sounds like you have been unwell for a while and in principle have had a lot of advice and help. A combination of AD and some form of talking therapy is usually v effective. Be honest to yourself: if AD help you and you have made the experience when you stop them too early (and I am guessing quite suddenly and without support)you get worse again, learn from that and stay on them.

Significant depression is a dreadful illness that unfortunately a lot of people still feel is some kind of "weakness" - it is not. True strength is to get through it and to accept that in order to get better/well you need to do certain things ie take meds. If you broke your leg and were in plaster, would you take it off earlier than recommended because this would be more "macho"?? Probably not.

protecting - that is very honest of you. Thank you.

You might find this helpful:

www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/27001305/

First of all you are not a bad husband. You have had ishooes which you seem to be addressing.

Stay on the ADs even when you feel better, Do as CD said and write yourself a letter that you will see if you consider coming off them again.

Totally agree with all the other posters that the absolutely best thing you can do is to stay on the ADs and show her, over time, that things are going to change and you are going to look after yourself.

She has been through trusting you and being let down, so you are going to have an uphill battle, but you sound like you really, really want to do this for yourself as well as for her so I am sure you can manage it.

At the moment, she probably feels like she is looking after three needy children with another one on the way and is probably emotionally and physically exhausted, not to mention stressed up to the eyeballs.

Some good ideas on this thread already about lightening her load and doing things that are normally down to her. Could you arrange a pamper day at a spa for her while you or someone else looks after the kids? Could you arrange for her to go on a night out with some of her girl-friends?

Tell her every day that you love her and appreciate her and you are going to change the bad stuff (but don't whine, just tell her in a normal voice)

Make her a cup of tea and take it up to her in bed in the morning.

Ask her if she wants cake and if so, bake one (or pop to greggs)

Baby steps...

leave her notes ... my Dp does that (he works away) and all during the week I find notes, just saying hello - and other soppy stuff, he plants them all over the place, its a little thing that makes me smile and I dont feel so lonely being at home all week with DD

This sounds very hard - sympathies to both you and your DW.

tbh, I'm not sure a gesture is what is needed. I thnk that honesty and acknowledgement of what she has been thorugh and a determined effort to help heal yourself will be far more effective, and you are doing this.

If you are not able to give all the practical and emotional support she needs because of our own problems, can you help her get suport from elsewhere to see her through? Look after the other children while SHE goes for counselling - counselling can realy help people who are supporting people with depression or other chronic conditions. Could you pay for a cleaner or take on the weekly shop to help with her hip problems?

Be careful that you are not putting more of a burden on her by 'over-apologising'. If you spend a lot of time telling her how crap you have been and how you want to make it up to her and how bad you are feeling about it al, what you actually end up doing is putting her in a position where she feels she is being asked to sympathise with poor you for feeling so bad about it all! That's also the issue with a 'grand gesture' - it obliges her to be grateful, but isn't actually what she needs.I'm not having a go at you here, not at all, just trying to give a perspective that helps you focus in what will and willnot help what you do want to do - give her support and love.

Mummyfor3 - I know you didn't. I do get caught up in blaming myself rather than fixing things. DW has told me she doesn't want to be put on a pedestal because it's not real. She just wants her DH back

I find it very hard to stay focused on anything. At work I am as efficient as ever, but at home... I can see she is hurting, so I fill the dishwasher instead of talking to her. It's ridiculous.

A genuine heartfelt SORRY goes a long way too. Tell her that your family mean so much to you that you will do anything for them and that includes taking your medication and working on your ishoos. Obv along with the donuts Krispy Kreme glazed ring ones if you can get them!!!

Show her this thread.

The advice you've received is wonderful and I can't add to it, apart from the above. Let her know that you realise what you've been doing...that'll be the turning point.

I second what BLU said.
Very best of luck to you and your family - and best wishes for when latest addition arrives.

squonk, onlywantsone, blu - you are all absolutely right. I do apologise a lot (with whining) - I will endeavour to stop and act instead. I definitely whine too much.

Now I have to disagree with you there
Krispy Kreme are vile, they are too sweet and have no substance
You need a proper CHEWY doughy doughnut
With jam

Honestly the yoof of today wouldn't know a decent doughnut if it bit them on the arse

So we have

Keep taking the tablet
Keep on with your therapy
Maybe do couples therapy or your wife could try some of her own
Be kind to her
Be thoughtful to her
Buy doughnuts (but not krispy kreme)

and don't whine
it is most unattractive and totally pointless

When dh whines it makes me immediately. Whining is for people who are too lazy to think.

I have been the partner in this situation to (luckily before DC though) and it's all so familiar to me as well.

This is a great start - that you want to change, you want to make life easier for her, and you are committed to ADs and therapy. Brilliant - please don't let that slip.

But (oh, you are SO like my DP was!) at the base of it all there is still a selfishness to what you say. That's OK - it's normal for depression - but I think you need to think it through. What you are saying is - I have been so crap, I feel so shite, I need to feel better about this, I need a gesture to make my wife feel happy, then this guilt will go away.

Instead, try making the mental leap to put yourself in her shoes. Actually, genuinely, imagine you are her, and think about her feelings - and what she really needs, which is for you to be honest, caring, committed to recovery, and the real man she needs, which is someone who can accept and respect himself, warts and all, and live up to his responsibilities. This is the most important thing - an impressive "gesture" that is followed by more selfishness will just infuriate her.

Agree with others that the best gestures you can do, are things like giving her a break, doing housework and childcare, and listening to her and being honest about yourself - day in, day out, not as a one-off. Say sorry, and mean it - because it's to her, not because it's offloading guilt off you.

I want to say well done to you for getting this far - and also to reassure you that my DP did step up in the way I have described and made a good recovery (though it takes time) and our relationship has been great for me, and I think for him - so much better than before - ever since, and we have a DS now and I feel I live with a proper "man" who is a responsible and loving father and partner. The reason I feel that about him is because he put in the work when he had to.

1 more - This place and other forums have been a godsend to me. I am not great at letting out my own feelings so having a place I can go to rant without people knowing who I am is GREAT. Even this thread has helped me, writting stuff down gets stuff in perspective. Maybe suggest an outlet for her (You ARE NOT allowed to know her nickname).

I third the whining thing - 1 Genuine Sorry then move on and show you are sorry by doing something to avoid doing the same thing over again. Move on.

Thank you Countess - she is more a jam doughnut lady - although she does like a good iced bun. So maybe I'll get both.

I resolve to stop the whining and act instead of talking about acting, and to listen instead of talking, and to talk instead of avoiding. And if they all seem contradictory then so be it.

Thank you very much to everyone who has replied. All suggestions are welcome - any more ideas will be appreciated too.

Here's something we do when we want to re-connect: Make a date, even if it is at home. A day and time when you are both going to sit down together (kids in bed) and enjoy each others company. Plan dinner, both of you get involved - do a course each. Make a yummy pudding or buy some chocolates. Enjoy your date and do some talking - not necessarily about your problems (though you probably will at some point). Talk about a possible holiday, or things you would like to do with the kids, or baby names .

We do this when our increasingly busy lives pull us apart and things loose their spark - it reminds both of you that you are sharing your lives with a very special person.

snowleopard and protecting, that is sound advice. Yes, I am finding it very hard to put myself in her shoes. Yes, my motives are often to alleviate the guilt for myself (as well as making her feel better), and this should not be my focus.

I do keep collapsing when the going gets tough and either retreat into denial (where I think I'm all better now) or utter despair. Do you think this could be an indication that I should be on a higher dose of ADs? I went up to what I was on before, at the start of December, and although I have been feeling better I still cry and fall apart a lot (hard to admit). Should I up the dose again? DW thinks I should talk to my GP, I'm currently on 40mg Citalopram.

lionstar that seems like a nice idea, I will suggest it.

agree with Lionstar about how to re-connect. take an interest in her interests and her life in general.

Definitely talk to your GP about whether you should be upping the dose or not.

She doesn't want you to be sorry - she wants you to be better. (something DH said to me when I was depressed). Try and find other outlets - writing/blogging can help for the "sorry I'm so crap" type thoughts.

We cant tell you what dose you should be on. If you trust your GP and can talk to him/her go to them and tell them everything including your medication concerns. Make today your turning point make the appointment and maybe ask your DW if she will come with you (She will be reassured that you are getting help and not just saying you are and she will also feel that she is an active part in your recovery)but only do that if you are comfortable with it

You just dont realise how many depressed people there are out there. All of whom feel like they are alone. I have had depression myself as has/does DP (obv), my best mate shows definate signs and more and more people on here. It is an incredibly common thing and NOTHING anyone should be ashamed about as long as they are addressing it.

My consultant said a great thing (I was reffered despite my depression being over 8 years ago) - "You put enough pressure on anyone and they will crack. Depression doesnt make you weak" (If anything it made me stronger once I came out the other side)

That prob seems a long way away for you but you can get there. Your DW obv still cares about you.

Different ADs suit different people and it is worth experimenting with different doses and meds. Citalopram didn't work well for my DP for example and he ended up with Amitriptaline (sp?) which suited him (not saying you should necessarily have that, but you get my point).

Also it is a struggle, there will be setbacks, it's normal. You can say "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I am feeling xy and z again, I know it's not ideal and it's not your fault." Then if you are in that kind of mode, see if there's something useful you could do and get yourself out of her hair at the same time, eg the food shop or take DCs to a soft play.

I agree with most of the advice set out here. Especially to show your wife what you say here. It's brilliant that you've acknowledged and admitted all of the crap you've put her through and really shows that you have a desire to change.

I think where you're falling short is the execution. You say you want to make your wife feel like a goddess - well goddesses don't have people throw chocolates at them and simply run away. Goddesses have people sit with them for hours on end simply to talk to them, spend time with them, share a little bit of their lives. It seems the hardest part for you is the interaction bit - that's why you invent tasks for yourself that will take you away from her. You say that it's difficult for you to see her so sad. The fact that these things are difficult for you, is in my mind the very reason why they will make the difference if you actually do them. Talk to her, even though it's painful for you to do it.

I definitely think there's also an element of impatience. At this point you feel you know you're on the road to recovery, but it's going to take a while for her to trust that you really are this time around. Unfortunately, all you can do is continue to be attentive and helpful and WAIT for her to believe you.

Also, I know our relationship starts heading for the rails whenever we lose our "team" spirit. As someone said, I can see how your wife may feel she's taking care of three children with another on the way. You need to step up to be her equal and her partner - that means doing your share of stuff around the house (or even more seeing as she's very pregnant!), showing a united front in front of the children, family and friends and generally looking out for her as much as she's looked out for you.

One of the most attractive qualities about my husband is that he never gives up on us when the going gets tough. There have been many times where I've been ready to throw in the towel, and he's always the one to say that's not what we want, we love each other, we want to stay together, we want to make this work even though it's bloody hard work. Be that person for your wife.

Well done on coming this far. Best of luck to you!