Pregnancy After Miscarriage Part VII - Gusset Reporters and Knicker Checkers welcome

[SparkyMalarky]

oooh, I do love a new thread

Pops up to say - still here . Going in at 1 and have been warned theatre is very busy today s could be late.

Lovely to see you Ronnie - you're right.. its been a long time, will be fantastic to meet the baby at last !

Crunch - no probs, you'l make me cry /

Let you know asap - off for one last walk just in case !

Morning ladies

need some advice please - have woken up this morning to some spotting. Not red thankfully, it's brown. Not a huge amount but noticable. I have the odd twinge but wouldn't describe it as cramps.

naturally am now not sure what's going on and worried that this is following the same pattern as the last two m/c's.

My question I guess is who do I get in touch with? Seen gp but yet to book in with midwife. 2nd m/c ended up in EPU so have some history with them.
I should be 5+6 today - my preferred option I think would be to get through to the EPU somehow (do I have to go through the doc?) as they might then scan me which will be the only conclusive info I can get.

Typically today the ms is practically non-existant so my brain is running wild.

scarlotti you poor thing. Depends on your EPU whether you need GP referral or not. I would give them a call to find out. Also call GP and make appointment for asap (you can always cancel it if you don't need it).

It could easily be nothing at all - and I really hope it is. Thinking of you.

Scarlotti, Poor you, try not to panic (easier said than done I know). I have had some brown spotting this week but scan was fine and haven't had any yest or today, so fingers crossed for you too.

I would definitely ring EPU and explain. Make sure you speak to one of the nurse specialists or similar, not just the receptionist. If they say you must be referred by GP then you could get your GP to do it over the phone without seeing them. Until you know what is happening, have a duvet day and really pamper yourself. Thinking of you xx

My name is Pootle and I am a Gusset Checker Anonymous - have realised how true this thread title is. Whenever I get a minute to myself, I check for bleeding, but am then scared to go to the loo in case I find anything - mad, eh?!!

scarlotti ring your epu and they will advise you. Brown spotting doesn't necessarily mean anything - I have had it with this pg and ds1. With my 3 mc's it started as bright red blood straight away and quickly worsened - really you need a scan to know. Good luck.

Hi Scarlotti Sorry to hear you're having this brown spotting! I also had this early on with this pregnancy - I was due to be going on holiday at the time, I had the brown for 3 days and was prepared for the worst, had a flash of red - got a scan and everything was fine.. Please try not to worry at the moment. I chose to go privately for the scan though, because of the memories the EPU would have brought back, however when i had spotting the first time round - the EPU wouldnt take me without referral from my doc.. i got a scan the very next day though.. although i know that 1 night was the looooongest night ever! I would phone the EPU in the first instance and explain your history - You can prob get their number of the NHS website if you dont still have it... if they wont take you directly go to your GP today and tell them you want reffering to EPU as soon as possible.

I know that this is easier said than done, but please try not to worry..

Big hugs and let us know how you get on. xx

Pootle I know exactly what you mean... Scared to look when you actually go to the toilet but just have the urge to check all the time.. I have calmed down a lot now.. but still check every time i go to the loo. Congratualations on your fantastic scan news..

Wheely GOOD LUCK!!!! :D Photos ASAP!

Lola yes always want what i cant have.. I am so impatient etc too! I am SO excited for my sexing scan on Saturday... I speak to the baby every morning to say it would be really lovely if they could let mummy and daddy have a really quick sneaky look on Saturday... dont know if its going to work though... I have had 7 baby boy dreams.. however all those around are sure its a girl.. obviously i'll keep you all updated xx

scarlotti hope you've managed to get through to the EPU. Thinking of you.

Wheely will be expecting immediate notice the second LO pops out - ok, maybe not the second, but pretty soon after Hope it all goes well. GOOD LUCK!

Hi All

Thanks for all your messages. I rang my EPU and they've booked me in for a scan on Monday morning at 8:15. She said to wait until then as they have more of a chance of seeing something as I'll be 6+3. it's going to be a long weekend.
Funnily enough, when I told her I'd been in for an erpc on xmas eve, she said she thought she recognised my name. First name terms now - not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Am taking comfort from the fact that it's brown spotting and both my m/c's had red. DH and I did 'get it on' (can't call it bd anymore!) the night before last so hopefully that's all it is.

Thanks again, all the support on this thread really does make a difference.

As to gusset checking - I've been doing that now since last August and do wonder whether it's a habit I'll ever actually break

scarlotti it's very common after sex, so fingers crossed that's exactly what it is. Make sure this weekend is all about you and whatever you want to do. I recommend chocolate and pampering (but not sure your MS would agree ) x

wheeley am so excited for you. Hope all goes well and you have a squirming noisy gorgeous bundle in your arms very soon.

scarlotti fingers crossed for you. Its the uncertainty of whats happening thats a killer. But like crunch said it could have been getting jiggy that did it. Lets hope so!

I only have 7 1/2 working days left till ML.Am so looking forward to getting some sleep in before this LO arrives. DS has been wetting the bed for the past 3 nights - it could be 4, I've lost track of time - and am exhausted. DS and I are going to a farm park with some friends this afternoon so am bracing myself for a muddy time! Hopefully time for acoffee cake and chat with my pals at the end of the afternoon.

Am off to centre parcs this weekend with DH DS and my folks to celebrate my pa's birthday. Ihave booked in for a pregnancy treatment at the spa. Cannot wait!!!!!

Good luck Wheely!!!! Can't believe the day has finally arrived!

And good luck Scarlotti. I'm sure it's just a bit of post-jiggy jig cervical oddness.

I have a quick question - has anyone had quite sharp pains, right in the middle? Sort of on the midline between belly button and pubes? I think it might be wind, but hope it's not something else...

I'm also beginning to get a pain right at the front of my pubic bone, and where my legs join my pelvis, when walking. I do hope this isn't the start of SPD...

Anyone have any advice on how I can wheedle my doc into referring me for an earlier scan..? Here, they only give the dating scan at twelve weeks, rather than ten, as they did in Oxford (where I had my first). I'm not sure I can wait six weeks to find out if I'm carrying a live foetus (always assuming that I don't have a more obvious loss this time...)

I'm also going to have to pay privately for the nuchal in this area, so I'd rather have the NHS scan earlier so I don't pay £170 for a 'Whoops, no heartbeat' announcement (not sure how this argument is going to go down, but since it's my doc who told me to go private for the nuchal last time, I hope he'll see why we don't want to pay unless we've had some reassurance that there's a heartbeat there...)

Tamlin My MW recommended deception (but she was very sympathetic and I was very scared), we both said I'd been having period type crampings and with history of miscarriage was given an appointment within the week.

It is immoral, but I think it's so unfair to put unnecessary stress on pregnant women, depending on where they live.

I would wait until you're a least 8 weeks by dates as after this time the chance of everything being ok shoots up.

herby sorry but it does sound like SPD, try to keep your legs together and not stretch things - hope it doesn't get worse. Not sure about the sharp pains (I do get lots of pains around that area though), could be round ligament pain?

Oh scarlotti - I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this worry again. Keep trying to think positively - though I know how difficult that is. WE're at about the same stage (think I might be a week or so further on than you) and I've had 2 mcs before tto - so I can easily guess how you might be feeling. Thinking of youxx

Thanks all. Spotting has now stopped so I'm hoping it was just an energetic romp. Am going to take it easy this weekend and hopefully monday morning will bring some reassurance when we have the scan. Not sure how much they'll be able to see this early on but I guess anything is better than nothing.

herby hope it's not spd - think the other pains could well just be normal stretching pains.

scarlotti I hope things are ok and you're able to take things easy. Will be thinking of you all weekend and have all fingers and toes crossed for you.

wheely I'm sure you won't be posting just yet, but I hope it all went well yesterday.

I'm feeling a bit weepy today. Went to Relate last night for our first consultation. It started really well as I tripped on my way into the building and cut my knees quite badly (big clumsy lump that I am). I was quite disappointed by H's attitude. He did a long and teary speech about how he would do anything to sort things out - which I have heard a hundred times before and know not rely on his words, only his actions (something his therapist says too because of his PA). I made the mistake of saying that I had heard it all before and could no longer believe his promises. And so the counsellor turned to him and started talking about how my negativity must make him feel like he can't do anything, so that was why he then didn't do anything

So he gets a bit more reinforcement that it's not his fault and he doesn't have to take responsibility, and I get the blame for it all, again

This is not at all as important as what some of you are going through, and I'm really really sorry for complaining again, but I'm feeling really alone in this. And ds2 keeps asking me why I'm crying. I can't seem to stop

Crunch - I'm sorry that Relate was so crap. That must be the last thing you need at the moment. Do you think that Relate is the right place for you to be going? If he can manipulate the counsellor that easily, it doesn't sound like it will be that helpful? (I know nothing about Relate, so feel free to ignore me.)

And please don't apologise for complaining - of course what you're going through is important. Sending you hugs, in the hope that you can get some proper ones soon.

Oh crunchy, I think you need a non-mumsnet-style hug. Mmmmmm.... there you are.

It's so desolating when the people you rely on to understand and make it all better let you down. Can you see the counsellor on her own to put your side of the story?

Thanks cornflake and herby I'm hoping next time I'll have more of a chance to get my side across. In some ways I was more disappointed that for all his protestations he still couldn't be honest and actually try to sort things out

He is very convincing (and it's not that he doesn't mean the words, it's just that he finds any effort too much and never tries) and even I have to remind myself to trust his actions and not his words sometimes.

crunch sending you big hugs. See how you feel after your next relate session but I agree with the others, it's important you feel you can trust the counsellor and they're not going to just go with the flow. I've been to relate along with a few other counsellors, and to be honest I found relate a bit apathetic. Too much 'hmm' and 'poor you' type responses and not enough 'well have you thought of it from this angle' or 'how do you think that reaction makes x feel'. I ended up scrapping relate and going for CBT type counselling (cognitive behaviour therapy) as they are more proactive and challenge your thinking.

It's a personal decision but bear in mind there are lots of different types of therapy. I just felt for me I could talk to my friends to get an ear to bend, but I wanted something more interactive and proactive help from a counsellor.

p.s. thanks for your thoughts, things seem to have settled down now so I'm managing to stay on the positive side of numb, iykwim.

Oh scarlotti you shouldn't be thinking about anyone but yourself right now! I really appreciate the advice. I will see how things go at the next session and if they're heading along the same lines then I will be a lot more proactive in pointing out my side of it.

Everything's so up in the air: We've not split up, but we're not in a relationship and we're not living together. Do you think this would be easier if I just said it's over for now?

Ah crunch it's two fold, always happy to support another and share experiences plus it keeps my mind occupied. Always easier to thinka bout soting someone else's troubles out than focus on your own I find

Only you can answer your question. it would certainly make things clearer and give you a clean break to focus on your dc's and yourself. Whether it would be easier though is a different question. I guess if you want to try and think it through, you need to try and identify how you feel - i.e. do you miss him or miss the company/help etc. When you think of the qualities you'd like a life partner to have, does he (or did he) have them? If it was the did he, do you think he can find them again? Are you willing to wait for however long it takes for him to sort it out?

See, so much easier to pose questions at others

scarlotti

We used to be best friends. We used to have the same very odd sense of humour. Liked all the same things. He was the optimist to my pessimist and we met somewhere in the middle. He was fun and I was sensible and again we met somewhere in the middle. We could spend 24 hours a day together and enjoy it.

I miss that him.

But then after the miscarriage (and that was more than 4 years ago) we both got down and although at first it brought us closer together, he threw himself into his work and we spent less and less time together and he got more and more aggressive and unpleasant to be around. And when he got depressed (more than a year ago now) I gave him all the support in the world, but it wasn't enough and he took all his sadness out on me. He wasn't there for me at all in the first trimester and was quite nasty at times (told me I wasn't allowed to be sad because I was affecting his treatment, and wasn't there for me for the scans) And I kept hoping that my husband would come back but I'm beginning to think that he's gone forever.

So the very complicated answer is:-

I want my husband back, but I don't want the cruel and selfish stranger he has become.

crunch bless you, what a situation to find yourself in. Sadly it sounds like it's outside of your control as he has to want to find the old him again.
You are about to go into a new phase of your life (I find life changes again with each newborn) along with a whole new set of joys and pressures. Personally I think you deserve to start being a bit more selfish and concentrate on you and the dc's.
Sometimes being supportive and there all the time just allows them to be more depressed and hurtful (I have been where you are/were). Whilst it is them that are at fault for their behaviour, we can also be at fault for accepting that behaviour and allowing it to affect our happiness.
You may find that by taking a clean break (and it might not be a permanent one) that you allow both of you the freedom to fix your own selves - only once that's happened can you both then work out whether you're still the same people you were when things were great, or are a new combination of people that work together.

Of course, that's just my amateur psychology bit and I don't know either of you so I might well be way off the mark

scarlotti you make a lot of sense

Part of the reason I wanted him to move out was so that he had to find a way of coping that didn't involve squashing me. He is no where near ready to begin taking responsibility for everything he has done (as was demonstrated last night and in a particularly pretentious email I just received from him). I am sad that these past two weeks don't seem to have made a blind bit of difference to his thought processes, but perhaps it was naive of me to think that anything would happen so soon (if at all).

I think I do need to formalise this "break" into something less vague. At the moment I'm in a limbo of both not having any responsibility for him, but in reality still taking on some of it.

Ok, no clearer in fact, but getting there and have stopped crying (so that's a bonus).

Now I hope you have a large bar of chocolate and plans for a long indulgent pampering session for yourself later on. I cannot believe I am whinging at you, with all you're going through! Argh! I have become the self-involved one. Stop being supportive, this minute, scarlotti, that's an order!

(But thanks )