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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant but my husband wants me to terminate baby so sad

66 replies

loganberry12 · 28/12/2008 14:08

Hi im 5 weeks pregnant. It was'nt planned although i havent used conraceptives for 2 years now i have polycystic overies so didnt think id fall pregnant as well as being 42 i thought my time was up for babies. I have 4 children already all grown up ages 24 to 13. I also have 2 grand children. We have been married for 2 years. When i told my husband he was angry and said id planned it and that if i keep the baby he will leave. my youngest son of 13 is his. He even said to me its probably not his !!I dont want a termination but i dont want my husband to leave either. He says we are on the bread line now and cant afford the baby which is true but i cant bear the thought of aborting. One minute im excited and happy the next depressed and confused.He isnt even talking to me much at the moment just sulking about. on top of that i feel so sick and very tired i cant remember feeling like this in the past pregnancys. I really dont know what to do so thought id post on here for some points of view

OP posts:
Flihgtattendant · 28/12/2008 14:10

oh gosh, I am sorry for you

You know he's being a bully don't you?

You get to choose about the baby, it's your baby, so nobody is going to make you do anything to it.

LiffeyanFiaRua · 28/12/2008 14:12

He doesn't sound like a husband worht holding on to.

YOu could cope. Your biggest problem sounds like your controlling unpleasant husband tbh.

Do what YOU want to do. Go away for a few days to think it through. How can you come to your own decision with him bullying you and telling you what to do??

compo · 28/12/2008 14:14

Is your relationship with your dp worth saving?
It would be terrile to have an abortion you're not sure you want and then to split up later on due to resentment.
Why is he so against the idea?

reindeercantdancethetango · 28/12/2008 14:16

He sounds like a manipulative bully Just think how much you will resent him if he makes you do this. If you want to have an abortion thats fine but only if its YOUR decision.

Money wise you could cope - you say you have grandchildren so surely they have baby thins you can borrow, can et things from freecycle etc and make sure you are etting all the benefits your allowed.

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 28/12/2008 14:17

I feel so sad for you. Do you think your husband is acting like this because he is scared? Doesn't he realise that if he makes you terminate he will probably lose you anyway? It sounds like a choice, is your DH prepared for you choosing the baby?

backalleysally · 28/12/2008 14:21

I personally wouldnt want a husband that forced me to choose between him and his unborn child.
Dont terminate this pregnancy on his say so....your relationship wouldnt survive.
You have to do what you feel is right. Lots of people bring up children with little money.....it can be done, the state wont let you starve.

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 28/12/2008 14:24

I think you would leave him if he made you terminate and he would leave you if you had the baby. Purely being simplistic but trying to make it easy to work out what the choices are.
So sorry for you.

ElectraInExcelsis · 28/12/2008 14:26

If you don't want to have an abortion please don't do it - I do think that if you are not certain that is what you want you will regret it. Your husband is being very unfair indeed and although I appreciate how difficult the position you are in is, I think you need to shut out what he is saying and concentrate on how you feel, otherwise you may make the wrong decision for you.

Do you have family / friends to talk to?

BabyTalk13 · 28/12/2008 14:36

In my opinion if you abort YOUR baby your relationship with this 'so called' husband will probably go bad and finish anyways as I dont think youd forgive him. Once your baby has gone, thats it and I think youd prob hold that against him which is just going to cause rows and upset anyways.
I think, if you want this baby then keep it and dont let him bully you into thinking different. Im sure it will make him think how hes acting towards you and if he still wants to walk then let him, he doesnt sound worth it and certainly not a man if he walks away. Hope you make the right choice for you

BlueSapphire77 · 28/12/2008 15:04

I don't want to say anything to upset you but this baby, although a shock, given all your problems (PO) ect, is obviously a god given miracle.

Congratulations

I hope that you make up your mind and your DH pulls his head out of his ass and stops being such a nob.
I hope you both come to an agreement or that you make a decision that is right for you and your family whatever that may be, i don't feel in any position to judge..
Good luck sweetheart xx

snuffyp · 28/12/2008 15:26

your poor thing i,m with the others if your husband loved you in anyway he would support you is,nt love unconditional? for him to treat you the way he has and said those things he does,nt deserve you or that precious baby i know its a shock but i,m sure you,ll get your head round it if you had a loving husband i,m sure you would feel it was a wonderful thing.i have,nt been in the position but from what i,ve heard many woman end up regretting a abortion and is that something you want to live with?regret,guilt? all because your so called husband? think carefully baby aside is he the loving husband you want? take care hope it all works out xxxx

milliemoocow · 28/12/2008 15:26

Hi u must do what your heart tells you to and not your husband i no as ive been there myself... i did abort... i regret it everyday and you no what he left anyway about 3 month later! i beg you to do what you want and not listen to anyway else because you and only you know whats right! and i no its easy to be pressured when your hormones are all over but try to be strong and do what you want x

LJ29 · 28/12/2008 15:27

This is an incredibly difficult situation but I think everyone has also forgotten that to just walk out would mean separating an existing child from his father. This will surely impact on his relationship with a new sibling? Not an enviable decision to have to make.

WorzselMummage · 28/12/2008 16:04

Your husband sounds like a git and a half !

You might be better off away from him anyway tbh.

Congratulations on your unexpected pregnancy, I hope you find the strength to do whatever is right FOR YOU and no-one else.

expatinscotland · 28/12/2008 16:12

Electra is spot on.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 28/12/2008 16:34

thanks for all your kind words. I will be seeing my mother tomorrow so will have a chat to her, i dont have anyone else to turn to. Im also frightened of my older childrens reactions as well.
Another point i wanted to ask i have really bad cramps at night and during the day and feel very very sick all the time i didnt experience this before im worried there may be something wrong, or maybe its my age this time as im 42 and had the other children very young.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 28/12/2008 16:58

Hi loganberry,

That sounds like quite a surprise! But congratulations to you.

If I'm being charitable, it sounds like your dh is in shock - but it's about time he came out of it. Even so, the others are right - his behaviour is unacceptable in a grown-up. He has no business being such a godawful bully.

As for sulking - where, I ask, is his responsibility for this pregnancy? You say you(singular) haven't used contraceptives for two years, well, quite clearly neither has he! Why didn't he take responsibility for his own fertility if he's so hung up about it?

Not surprised you're happy, confused and depressed at the same time. You shouldn't have to put up with his childish threats. He should be supporting you.

Good luck, Poppy

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 28/12/2008 17:03

Try not to worry too much about aches and pains, this is baby number 5 which takes it out of you and also you are quite a bit older than when you had your last baby. I was shattered and everything hurt with my third one.

lastboxoftampons · 28/12/2008 18:22

Just to play the devil's advocate for a moment...Did your husband know you weren't using contraception?

I think many men couldn't possibly fathom what it means to terminate - having an abortion sounds like an 'easy option' to them. Does he understand how difficult it would be for you to do?

I hope you can work it out between the two of you - remember it's his child too. Good luck.

metoo2222 · 28/12/2008 18:40

Hi, I am pg with an unexpected third. I too have PCOS and was told I would have trouble conceiving but we still used condoms..except once! am now six months pg.

At first DH wanted me to talk to GP about terminating, wouldn't talk about having a baby etc, I was in tears most of the time.

However I couldn't go through with terminating, or even talk about it, so I went ahead with my 12 week scan and DH came with me and he was sure then that I was doing the right thing.

Now he will talk about it and I think is quite excited!

good luck xx

googgly · 28/12/2008 18:47

imo, if you don't want to consider an abortion then don't. I can't imagine anything worse than feeling like you'd chosen to kill your child for the rest of your life and regretting it. And thinking about it everytime you see a child the age it would have been. I don't mean to be judgmental about abortion per se, I can see that it might be right for some people.

fgpl · 28/12/2008 18:47

What a complete nightmare of a situation for you.
Difficult however you look at it but if you have any, and I mean any doubts whatsoever about a termination then you really do need to follow this gut instinct.
Men are sometimes so black and white. He may change his mind. He may not, but as said before where's his responsibility in all this?
I really think you could do with some third party help such as a counseller or a sympathetic GP.
Please don't rush into anything until you are more sure.
God I sound like a pro lifer. I don't mean to but maybe i just detect a degree of uncertaintainty with you.

Do keep posting
good luck

flynn1984 · 28/12/2008 18:48

Hi there

I would hate to be in the position your in at the moment and tbh I would not know how to deal with it myself!

Firstly a HUGE congratulations a lot of people with PCOS would like to be able to fall pregnant without all the hassle of trying.

Secondly...do what your heart tells you to do, like the others have said if you do abort you may go on to resent you DH and you might end up splitting up anyway.

Please take time to think this thro and remember everyone on MN is here to listen to you any time you need to

Take care x

snuffyp · 28/12/2008 19:55

talk to your husband tell him how you feel your just as shocked as him but point out as your husband you expect his love and support and he should,nt put pressure on you if you decided to abort you,ll end up hating him for making you do it anyway.i know it was,nt what you both planned but he helped make that baby as for money its hard for us all but you manage hes just seeing it from his ponit of view how does he think you feel??? please make sure whatever you do is what you want not what others want as your the one who will have to live with it

dreamydowler · 28/12/2008 20:02

Hi there Im 42 and pregnant with my 8th child. My eldest are 20, 18, 17,16 My 18 year old has a 1 year old little girl too so I am also a grandmother. I also have a 10 year old a 5 year old and a 2 year old.
Some of the good points are

breast feeding at my age helps to reduce the risk of breast cancer

The older ones are always happy to babysitso we dont lose our independence

Its lovely to be given the chance to go through all the firsts again nativity xmas walking, etc

It keeps you both upto date and young at heart

As for expense breast feeding is free reusable nappies are excellent value

ebay friends family etc are a great source of help for clothes etc as is having a baby shower

Lots of friends you make in life are through your children

I understand the fears and downsides too the worry of illness as you get older leaving young children to care for you
the increased risks in pregnancy and post natally to yourself and baby

I think some of your husbands fears and thoughts should be understood the been there done that dont want to go there again but some of them need looking at carefuly and he needs to be reassured that you can still work still go away for weekends alone together still go out for evenings together etc

I hope you feel you can contact me anytime with your worries and above all else you have to listen to everyones thoughts and fears discuss your own feelings with everyone and then do what is right for you your body and your family good luck xx